mid life crisis

[therese83]

My husband left. One Sunday afternoon, just left (had wanted to leave for six months) It has been hell for me.  He went binge drinking and celebrated 'i am free'??

He fancied other women, but has not made any progress there. He wants to 'see me' 'see how we get on' he says he misses female company. It is so offensive, i was such a good wife to him and lover.

I was completely devastated by his rejection, his love gave me power and helped me, though he had became increasingly grumpy in recent years. He slept with me, he acted like he wanted to be a father to the kids. He left at a really bad time, 6 days before sons exams.  No explaining. He says he couldnt consider any of us, only himself.
If i cry or ask for an explanation, he says i am a stalker, after 25 years.

I know he is killing me psychological i am not up to this, i am suffering from major depression now, i tried so hard to make it work.  He says he should 'feel it ' and he doesn't.  But maybe he will again?  He is so immature.  I am lost confused.  He had a role here that he has completely rejected, he lives alone as a single man i am left with the kids.

How can i or should i resist this man, the father of my four children after 25 years. I have lost so much, but should i accept that i am his 'girlfriend' now.  While he looks around, doesnt feel anything for me?  Who does he think he is and why do i accept this treatment.  When he left i actually ached for him, woke up and though he was there, total bereavement symptoms only he is still alive. And if i am 'good' /please him, he might show me some affection.  What the hell is going on?

I dont know a better marriage than the one we had.  IT wasn't perfect but as good as i have ever seen. I adored him.

Somebody advise me, i am feeling so bad and confused.  How can i make myself tell him to 'go to hell'?  i should after what he has done, but i miss him.

I am a fool

[jenstam]

I don't think there's anything you could do at this point to make him change his mind. Sounds like some type of midlife crisis or something. Once you stop hurting, you need to get angry! Become a new woman and explore YOU. Call up your girlfriends, get out, enjoy life and carry on. Lots harder said than done, I know...but eventually you will get there. HUGS

[imanaddict]

You will get the strength to tell him where to go when you have finally had enough. And by enough I mean enough of the mental abuse he's been inflicting upon you while he's out "celebrating" his now free lifestyle. That hurts!! You have every right to be upset, hurt, sad, depressed, etc. but don't let it affect who you are. You will become stronger from this soon. I guarantee it! it takes time to heal and allow yourself that. I wish you the best and I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[therese83]

Thank you so much
I gave a lot

I don't know if it was all a fantasy,

I will try to rebuild myself

But thank you some lovely kind words + direct , i needed that.

[peaceinknowing]

Your husband left because he's nothing less than a coward. He obviously has no clue when it comes to a woman that loves him and has done so for the past 25 years. Your post touched me in a way that I don't think any other post ever has on any of the forums here. When I read through your words, I pictured you sitting here reading them as I went along. I could never go through what you have and pray to God I never have to, either. To be able to retreat to a public forum such as this one and tell the world your story shows right off the bat to me and others that you truly are a strong woman. Stronger than you give yourself credit for, believe it or not.

If he wants his space so much, then give it to him. Allow yourself this time to clear your mind and go over everything that has happened in the past 25 years that might have seemed perfect to you, when in reality, it was far from just that word. This is much easier said than done, but I'm only giving you the advice. Only you know what is best for you.

[Judy246]

Oh sweetie...how my heart hurts for you, but you have to accept what you can't change. The only person that you can change is you. When a man tell you he's not feeling it, it means he is no longer in love with you and he proved it by walking out on you, your children and your marriage and committed adultery.

I find it dispicable that he went out and had an "I'm free" party. Reality check, he is still legally married and has financial responsibilities to you and your children and make sure he pays child support.

You are right when you said you feel the loss. When you love someone and it's gone, you grieve that love as if he would have died and it is a process that takes 1-2 yrs. to start feeling human again, but you are stronger than what you give yourself credit and NEVER, permit any man to ever not only treat you abusively (this is a form of abuse), but have that much control of your emotions to where they will become dysfunctional and debilitating.  He is the cause of your depression, but depression is very treatable. You can go to counseling for the loss of your marriage and a regular physician can prescribe anti-depressant to stabalize your imbalance. It's ok to admit you are dressed, but once you accept what you can't change and prepare yourself for what is to come (divorce), you will begin the healing process one step at a time.

Don't every give him the pleasure of knowing that you can't live without him, because you can and will. Leave him, because he left you! and you said, it correctly, "I don't know a better marriage than the one we HAD"...accept that this marriage is over and then you can begin to heal and move forward. Surround yourself with family, good friends, your children and a healthy environment and you will florish in your new life. Good luck~

[teko]

You said: I dont know a better marriage than the one we had.

What you had was a fantasy.  If it was as you think it was, he would still be there. You also said: his love gave me power and helped me
This also was in your own mind.
A loss of a marriage or long term relationship brings about the grieving process just like losing someone in death. These feelings are normal. You may also consider some counseling. You are bound to feel lost, not knowing where or how to turn after living a certain way for 25 years.  You need to get away from him and give your head time to clear and c what you want out of life.  Is it a life that you can enjoy or are you so dependent on being an extension of this man that you simply cannot function without him.  I have seen people like that and it is soooo sad. My heart goes out to you but run do not walk to a counselor, get something for the depression and hopefully the counselor can help you figure out where you go from here!

[lost_myself]

I am 40 and left an 18 year marriage under similar circumstances ..just not as coldly.
I will say it is not you or all you. After working 60 -100 hours a week for our entire marriage, I felt empty. i would do super nice romantic things for her at times ( not often enough) and all i would get is a plain cold thanks or that was nice of you. She would want me to go places and do things and i was always too busy or tired. i think people tend to take each other for granted and grow different directions after time. i dont know your situation, or the two of you you but, i can say for me i want (need) to feel excited about someone and i want to feel like they feel like that about me as well. I want to be appreciated, loved and made to feel special in genuine from the heart kind of way  not in a say the polite thank you, i made you dinner because you worked all day (routine) kind of way..

My point is dont lay all of this on your shoulders ,you're not a fool . Your human and loved him for a long time. It takes TWO and you might have been able to do  some things better ,but he shares in that. I just dont want to see anyone carry the entire burden of a situation. I hope you 2 can talk , maybe seek professional help. I wish I had before it had gone too far . we are best friends now (even live on the same property) but live our own lives. Hind sight is 20/20 and there were TONS of things we both could have done if we had not been so selfish and lazy toward each other. Please dont take your situation as a reflection of WHO you are its just a result of your situation, i hope you 2 find a resolution and you can find some peace. Good luck and God Bless .

[mami1323]

You are not a fool hon, you are a woman who loved a man for 25 years and had children with.  He is the fool for not seeing the gold he had in you.  He comes back to you because he knows that the grass isn't greener on the other side but the way he wants you is not good enough for you.  It wouldn't be good enough for any woman who has given her husband everything she knows how and he turns and walks away when he feels like it.  You are greiving because it is a loss.  I suggest counseling, because you need to find out how to get the strength to say, it's in all the way or out all the way.  He can't have his cake and eat it to.  He's not respecting his wife when he does this.  I think you need individual counseling and perhaps talk to him about some couples counseling.  He didn't only throw away his wife, he also tossed aside his children.  That's just something you don't do.