my baby's dad

[mommyof2nowtp]

My baby was just born and is two weeks old. I haven't been with his father through out my pregnancy. He got a girlfriend shortly after I got pregnant.  I have been lieing to myself saying I don't want to be with him and that I'm OK, i deserve better and whatever I needed to tell myself to not let things bother me.
I'm on maternity leave and have been feeling so lonely and it's been bothering me that he hasn't really seen baby since the hospital.
I know we won't be together and a part of me really doesn't want to be because he chose to be with someone else. But he's been on my mind and because of him not wanting me I am starting to feel bad about myself. I feel really down and lonely lately I don't know what to do

[g27gear]

Mommyof2,
It's hard to keep someone off your mind, especially when you've gone from working to having a baby and being on maternity leave. You mind has different things stimulating it right now and it's quite possible that thoughts of him are filling in where they shouldn't be.
What might help is realizing that as much as you might feel for him, it's never worth it to have to chase someone whose feelings for you aren't there. The balance of who loves whom more will always be offset against you, and no one needs that in their life.
I have feeling you're already doing a great job with everything. Focus on a positive future and your positive attitude will reflect. And, nothing is more attractive to a good man than a positive attitude in a woman that's facing life's challenges.

[mommyof2nowtp]

I feel like if I was a very depressed person and read this , although I am very thankful for your advice,  the way you make it out that, "I am a very bad mother who spends no quality time with her kids because she is so wrapped up in some guy, and now has another child", would really send someone who is depressed overboard. I know you have nothing but good intentions but maybe take my advice and approach posts like this more gently.  Again thank you for your advice and you are right on all that you said I just feel it was very critical but was taken openly and will be put into perspective.

[Nighthawk61]

I guess in short what i mean to say is this,..

there's a great man out there... right now... waiting for  a GREAT WOMEN AND MOTHER....

if you want a GREAT guy, you need to be a GREAT WOMEN and MOTHER...

[Nighthawk61]

Hi honey, feeling the way you do under these circumstances is normal. I wish you would consider talking the advice that's been given to you throughout your posts, and consider now looking for a therapist to talk you about ho to make you can make your life better, for yourself, and for your children. You need help to move on from the relationships in your past that have not worked out, in order than you can go forward and experience a true commitment. and true love and real  support. There are many many unhappy unfulfilled people who go around and around in circles, wishing and wanting, but without truly committing themselves to finding how they can help themselves and put themselves in the best position to find what is just and good and lasting. You cannot control what your son's dad or your daughters dad do or don't do. for their kids, but you can control how you choose to commit fully to parenting your children. You have to act like you are all these kids have as a role model. They deserve the best of you, and you cannot continue on as you have been doing. You are unhappy and lonely, you've said it so often here. Only you can do something about that. Just as these men you've chosen to have children with are the only ones in control of what they do to better their children's lives, so too are you the only one in control of what you choose to do to better your life, and therefore your children's lives.

You are wanting commitment primarily from the father's of your babies. I implore you, do what you ask of them, show your own commitment to your kids, above and beyond what you are able to do without the aid of professionals that CAN help you. Professionals that have spent their lives studying to be able to help women in exactly the position you find yourself in.

After reading your posts, one positive change that you could very welll make omes to mind. You've said that you hate your job. You can change that. You can get a student loan and go back to school, and fight for a better happier life for you and both your kids.

I don't know if you ever lived with your ex boyfriend or not, or what happened between the two of you , or your daughters dad, only you and they truly know what happened. But you can talk about this with a therapist, and work out how to avoid these breakups from happening again. Instead of blaming the fathers of your children for you being alone, why not figure out how to be strong while you are alone,? Why not be committed in finding out how you can look for the right partner, that CAN help you co parent your two kids.? You are in control of two three lives. With great control comes great responsibility. You need help to get to a happy place, and that doesn't mean finding a man. It means finding personal fulfillment, when you find that... your love life will happen.

Mostly, people say that you must find a good relationship that has lasting qualities, like a commitment, at the very least, before bringing kids into the world. Kids thrive with two parent homes, yes, but they can also thrive with a one parent home. But, not if that one parent is lamenting and grieving over the fact that a relationship that was never fully committed, broke down and fell away like dust.

My advice to you is to find a young professional female therapist that can mentor you in areas of relationships, and career, and spirituality. Let your fixation of finding a man right now go. There was a time for that before you had kids. You can work on what you did wrong in your relationships. Let the men work out what went wrong if they don't want to repeat their mistakes, Please consider working on you and how you can change you to make a better life for yourself and your kids. Let these men go, if that's what they choose, You've mentioned your ex kissing you while with his gf. This is not the type of man that you should be spending your time missing. You need to let him go out of your thoughts, other than if he is action responsibly and co parenting. But do you really think that your kids would be best served by you going back and forth with that drama? Or would your kids not be better served if you concentrated your efforts on raising your own expectations and standards, in life, in love and in your career?

Your time is NOW. This is your time to prioritize your kids, and get some help for yourself. You need motivation. You need a mentor. You can do this for yourself, you ARE worth it, and your kids DESERVE it.

I hope I have not overstepped, it is not my intention. I'm older and wiser than I was when i was a young mother. I wish i had of had someone move me to change my life instead of waiting for someone else to make me happy. This is not just about you being lonely. This IS about whether you are going to settle for just anyone to fill the void, or whether you are going to learn to raise your expectations.