my ex is makin my life hell..idk what to do anymore

[getlykemc10]

I broke up with my ex-b/f of 4.5yrs & father to our 16-month-old son a few days ago cause he had issues with bein honest with me. We argued for a bit & he admitted to bein happy to bein single cause I'm too much "drama". He also said he wasn't sorry for lyin & everythin was my fault. Eventually we agreed to be friends & to continue to raise our son under the same roof so it would be easier. Afterwards he was bein really nice to me & I started to feel better about my decision. I didn't feel comfortable sleepin in the bed with him so I said I'd sleep on the couch but he kept askin me to stay in the room with him so I did. He was still bein nice to me which I found odd at first, but I just ignored it. He even made a few sexual passes at me durin the night which I turned down. The next mornin when I woke up I had this bad feelin that wouldn't subside. I went to lay on our bed when I noticed his cell phone unlocked on the nite stand. I knew it was wrong (& plz don't judge me) but I decided to read his txts to see if he had mentioned how he felt about me in any of them. I came across a bunch of txts btwn him & my (twin) sister that were sent a lil bit after we agreed to be friends. In them he told her that he never ever loved me, he hated me, & everythin he did was purposely to hurt me. He told her that a few days before I broke up with him he planned to throw me out but we were on good terms so he changed his mind. He called me selfish, a b*tch, childish, immature, & said I was crazy. He said he was glad I ended it cause he was tired of my "bipolar episodes". He said that idc about our son & that I never do anythin for him & don't take care of him rite. He said he treats me with respect & does w.e I ask but I'm never satisfied. He also said he planned to go after for me for rites to our son. He said he just wanted me to leave & go elsewhere & he didn't care what happens to me. He said he's a grown man & if he wants to talk to other females & lie to my face he has every rite to. Then he revealed somethin VERY personal about me that only he knew & he swore he'd never share. To make matters worse my sister was agreeing with everythin that he was sayin & tellin him he was rite. She was also givin him advice on how to "deal" with me & get me to leave him alone. I wasn't shocked cause she has always done stuff lyke that to me & idk why. I broke down after that cause I was just so hurt-4.5yrs & the whole thing was a joke to him & my sister badmouthed me too! He saw me cryin & he asked with a smirk on his face if I had seen the txts. I said yea now I know the truth bout how he feels. I told him I couldn't believe he would stoop so low as to tell her private info about me knowin how damagin it could to my reputation. He laughed in my face & said he knew that & he also knew my sister would agree with him on w.e he said & knowin it would upset me he did it anyway. He explained that he left his phone open purposely figurin I would look at his txts & be hurt. He said he was just "venting" but I told him it takes a lot of hatred & animosity to say the stuff he said. Again he just laughed in my face & when I asked him why he was doin this, he ran up to me & started literally screamin in my face sayin that I deserved it. He said he wasn't wrong bout lyin or anythin bad he said about me-but I was wrong for lookin thru his phone. I said now that my sister knew personal stuff bout me she'd probably tell my mom (who wasn't speakin to me cause of him). He kept askin me if I was gonna kill myself (I was suicidal yrs ago) but I said no I was just upset since I can't trust anyone. He told me if I wanted to kill myself to just to do it so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. He also told my son to his face that I didn't love him & afterwards my son didn't wanna be by me. I sat in our room & cried for hrs feelin betrayed & alone. Later I came out so I could eat & when I was headin back to the room he came up, hugged me, & said he was sorry. I asked if he really meant it & he said not really he said it just so say it. I told him I can't believe he's bein lyke this to me when I've done nothin to deserve it. I said that I loved him & always have & I did everythin to make us work. He said it wasn't my bipolar that made him give up he never really tried. He said he got tired of me gettin mad when he lied to me. We argued some more with him just slingin insults at me tellin me what a horrible person I am & he doesn't give a d*mn that I'm hurt-that's what he wanted. I went back in the room & decided to check my emails & I noticed my sister had written me cussin me out. She said he txtd her & told her I said the reason why I didn't want them speakin was cause she secretly lyked him & wanted him. He also told her that I was in the bathroom threatenin to kill myself. She told me she didn't care if we were broken up or not she's gonna be friends with him either way. She said there was nothin I could do to stop it & just cause my mother & I decide that we want nothin to do with him for what he did to me doesn't mean she has to. She said if that's the way I feel about it then she had nothin else to say to me. She was lyke "he's my friend & will always be my friend...I wasn't goin behind ur back I was just keepin it real with him & helpin him out". I was beyond pissed at both of them & decided I'd had enuff. I asked him why did he lie to her lyke that & if he was purposely tryna turn ppl against me. He just sat there with a smile on his face as I cried sayin I couldn't understand why he was doin this to me. He wanted me to break up with him in the first place & he got what he wanted. I said there was no reason for him to continually get back at me when I did nothin wrong. He admitted that he was purposely tryin to ruin my relationship with my sister & that he made sure to tell everyone it was my fault. I asked if he told ppl the real reason why I left him was cause he was a liar & he said no cause he wasn't a liar. I told him congrats for accomplishing his goal of makin everyone hate me & he said his goal wasn't accomplished yet. I told him I was gonna move out & find my own place. He told me it was w.e & if I wanted to go then go he was tired of my presence anyway. So yesterday I spent most of the day lookin at apts online & pretty much found nothin. I don't work since I'm a SAHM mom, my only income is from SSI which isn't much-I can only work so many hrs if I wanna kep receiving it, if I move I'm gonna have to have some serious help not only from him but from other sources & nothin was in my price range. I found one place that was decent but with the rent, utilities, things for my son & myself, & things for the apt-I'd never be able to afford it. When he got home from work I told him about lookin for an apt & he said that I didn't need to leave. He said it would be easier on me financially if I stayed here (which is true) & said he didn't want me to leave. I told him that he repeatedly said he wanted me to leave cause he was tired of me but he said he didn't want me to. I also said that I see now what lengths he'll go to when he gets mad & I don't wanna bring him to that point. I'd rather leave than to be publicly humiliated in case he decides to "vent" again. He said he wasn't gonna do that anymore but then got mad & said if I didn't do certain things he wouldn't be mad. He told me I needed serious help & I said I already see a therapist & I have an appt with her soon. But he said that I needed more help than anyone could ever give me & I need to start tellin ppl what I did to cause all of this. Minutes later tho, he was back to bein nice to me but I said the damage was already done & I still plan to move I just need more time to find somethin I can afford.

I'm so tired of the unnecessary anger & the mean things he said. I've already accepted that he never loved me even tho it hurts. I just don't know what to do anymore..advice please?

[cheekydonna22]

all i can say GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE u r beautiful and ur son is gorgeous dont let him get u down any longer if u have to move to ur mothers house even if its only for like maybe 3 months it gets u out of that house with that arse and then u can save and find a house of ur own in ur price range just see houw u go darlz get out of that nasty house and never speak to ur sister thats low what she did

[Becca323]

well he's about short a mile then b.c he is doing more harm than good.  I live only 10 mins. away from Altoona.  if HUD isn't providing in time, then contact emergency shelter.  they provide a roof over your head immediately for pregnant women, mothers, and in general anyone in need to get out of a dangerous situation...and this IS a dangerous situation.  once in ES, you can continue with the HUD process until everything falls thru and you have a place to call home.

seriously, he does sound bi-polar, so imanaddict is right saying he's calling the kettle black on that one.  and i lost count how many times i heard that "i'm sorry baby, i didn't mean it, i'll never do it again" bullshat stories.  you can only put up with abuse for so long before it explodes into a really bad senario.  and yes, IT IS ABUSE WHAT HE'S DOING-VERBAL, EMOTIONAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE.  you're a strong chica.  

my mother was the same d*mn person as yours, lol, and i finally had to just say to her, look i need help and i need to get out of this situation...she'll say "i told you so" yada yada for awhile, but it's worth it in the end.  if i had listened to my mother in the very beginning of my now ex fiance's relationship, i would have never gone thru the worst heartache of my life and financial turmoil to the umpth degree!  get some gonads and tell her straight up what is about to unfurl...you need to get out so either she can take you in for awhile til you get on your feet or you're going to an emergency shelter with a 16-month-old child.

Hun, he can be a good father all he wants and that's fine, that's why there are visitation rights.  But right now, he's putting the wefare of you and your child on the line because of his selfish, borderline psychotic actions.  it actually sounds like he doesn't want you to leave because he'll have no one to help him with the apartment AND that'll also mean he pays child support AND it's a controlling issue-you leave, no one to control...so many reasons.  

I hope you can get out and move on with your life.

PS: your son is a cutie!  

[getlykemc10]

Thanx for all the advice everyone & sorry I haven't responded in a couple days. I've been very busy looking up apartments & agencies that help single moms. I've gathered up any information that I will need to get out. I intend to contact HUD this afternoon to figure out what my options are. I know my situation isn't good & that's why I want & NEED to leave. I just can't believe how this situation has turned out. I'm not even upset about it anymore I haven't shed tears over it in days...I'm just numb. It just hurts my heart that he feels as though I'm a bad mother. I've done everything I can for my son so for him to think & say I don't care about my son & I'm a bad mother is a shock. He says he didn't mean it he was just venting but he's been tellin that to numerous ppl on diff. occasions so he must mean it. He can't leave the apt cause according to our lease he is considered the head of the household & I could never afford to stay here on my own. I wanna be away from him cause he isn't gonna change but I want him in our son's life. Despite what he says & does to me he is a good father & is always willing to go that extra mile for our son.

I promise to keep you all updated & thanx again for the advice it really lifted my spirits.

[teko]

He sounds like a narcissist to me. And evil. And dangerous. With him the way he is and you being bi polar, this is a very explosive situation and if you dont get out of it asap, it could escalate into something even more ugly. What about subsidized housing? Or how about he be the one to leave? Why should you uproot the baby? He sounds more like enemy number one than a loving person you had a child with. Gone!

[imanaddict]

Your son does NOT need to be seeing those kind of arguments between you two. He is getting that age where he will mimic and if around it long enough, will start to treat you the same way and other women as well. It's not a healthy environment is what I'm trying to say..lol. Second, I was in a situation like you when I was pregnant with my first child. The only difference was my ex would beat the snot out of me. Even when I was pregnant. From now on, document EVERYTHING he says to you while arguing. Keep a journal with dates, times, etc. Should you ever have to go to court over custody, use it against him. And he cannot use the bipolar thing against you either. It sounds as if HE is bipolar so that would be the pot calling the kettle black. There is a lot of help out there, you just have to find it and utilize it. When you are dealing with assistance, you have to jump through hoops and there is lots of red tape, but it's worth it in the end to get you and your son out of a dangerous environment.

[AnnieBrooke]

Providing your son with the best you can might mean taking lesser digs and getting away from your abusive situation, rather than staying where you are and having everything tense and crazy all the time.  Even a lot lesser digs.  I wouldn't refuse a safe and sane place to stay merely because you want your son to have a better material situation.  He needs a better and more solid emotional situation to grow up in, first and foremost.  You risk letting yourself be stuck.  

[dlr2007]

You've got a lot going on, and I know that's rough when you have a small child to take care of. But it's also a reason to be really strong and just keep focused on what you need to do, not all this manipluative bullsh$t going on around you. Sounds like your ex is very much into playing mind games, and your twin sis has gotten wrapped up in it too. Some ppl are extremely good at twisting things around and getting people to believe them, even when what they're saying is a complete lie. You need to hold your head up and try to ignore all the hurtful things they are saying to you. I would simply not talk to your twin sis right now- she will only upset and distract you from what is important: finding you and your son a safe place to live. I know you want the best for your son- most of us want our kids to have everything we didn't have. But right now your son doesn't care how big your apartment is or how much $$ you have- all he cares about is being loved and safe and happy, and you can provide all that. Even if you need to live in a rented room right now, who cares? As long as there is a safe place to sleep, a bit of room for your son to play and a bathroom with a locking door where you can give him a bath or shower, it's fine. When kids are young, they're not materialistic. Wait til he's a teenager like mine- lol.
  Just hang in there and know you're doing the right thing getting away from your ex. You can get your $$ in order later- right now I think you just need to get outta there. He sounds very unhealthy and emotionally abusive. It's bad for your son to be there, cuz he can sense your upset and your ex's hostility. It seems like your mom and uncle want to be helpful but they're too intent on battling with your ex. It's understandable that they're angry with him, but maybe you could try explaining to them that it's really damaging for your son to be around people fighting. Perhaps they could pick you up when your ex is at work, or you could meet them down the street? It will all get better, I promise- it always does. Just focus on you and your son's basic needs right now and everything will fall into place later. Good luck hun :)

[getlykemc10]

To penswriter:

Trust me I tell my son I love him everyday @ least 100 times a day. My sister & I haven't spoken since Friday which is when all this happened. I did try talking to my mom but she just got mad cause I didn't wanna do what she asked me. Any time he & I have ever argued (it could be about somethin stupid lyke food) she's always sayin to pack up & leave. I told her that every couple argues & I can't just leave everytime we have an argument. So she got mad & said I was bein a "doormat" & she didn't raise me to act lyke that. I tried explaining to her that I know what's best for me & I can't let others make my decisions. She got pissed off @ me & said she never wanted to hear about our relationship again. We spoke but she said she won't talk to me if I mention anythin about our relationship. Plus anytime I've come to her for advice she always involves my aunts & uncles in the situation & it gets blown outta proportion. We broke up for a couple weeks back in March & my aunt told my uncle about us not gettin along & the day of son's first bday party he came down there in "fight mode". I was pissed cause we had been gettin along that day & I told them not to say anythin about it to him or me durin his party. But I ended bein pulled aside & questioned about his behavior while we were there. I understand they were tryin to help but that was not the time or place. I did try to leave before I had all our stuff packed but when I called my aunt she was at a function for one of my cousin's school. She told me she'd call my uncle & have him get me & he said he would be here in the next hour or so. I ended up waiting for lyke 6 hrs before I heard from them. By then it was after 10:30 PM & my ex always gets home by 11PM. They asked if they could come get us after midnight but he was already home & my uncle said if he saw him when they came to get us there was gonna be problems. I told them that fightin with him is only gonna make the situation worse & it was unnecessary but my mom & my aunt tried to convince me otherwise. I told them to just come get me but don't even say anythin to him but they said they were goin to. They couldn't reassure me that if they came there wouldn't be any fightin or arguin so I said to forget it. I thought about stayin with my aunt who lives in Philly but she has kids of her own & the last time I stayed for about three days to celebrate my 20th bday my son cried the whole time we were there, the house was really overcrowded cause she only has 3 bedrooms so I ended up sleepin on the floor while my mom shared a bed with my son. I wouldn't mind stayin with my mom but she lives 3hrs away from in Altoona, PA which is where I moved from. The city is nice but I hated living there & I said I'd never raise a child there. Plus I have a 6yr old brother who lives with her & he has many discipline problems. He has ADHD & bipolar so he throws a lot of tantrums, hits, kicks, bites, & etc...any time my son's ever been around he has a tendency to get hurt. She also has some financial problems of her own due to her inability to work cause she's disabled. There's no way he could ever prove that I'm an unfit mother I do everythin I can for my son. My only issue is that he's said things about how I treat my son to so many ppl & the subject of me bein bipolar is always involved in that. My son was really fussy for a couple weeks (cause he was gettin his molars) & he told his brother that it was my bipolar that was makin him upset & his brother believed him of course. I know it would be easier to stay here & raise him but with the way he treats me I won't put up with that. I told him he needs to get anger management & counseling to figure out why he has issues with honesty. I do want to leave & I haven't stopped my search for an apt I just want to have some kind of financial security before I go anywhere.

To AnnieBrooke:

I did see a place that offered shared housing & it was nice but they we're only renting the upstairs part of the house & it was one bedroom. It was also just a few hundred dollars out of my range. I know I might sound picky but I grew up not havin alot cause my mom was a single parent & she struggled tryin to raise us. I just want to provide my son with the best that I can. I did look up mommy & me groups but the closest one was 45 mins away from here & unfortunately my driving is terrible lol. My therapist also looked up some for me but she couldn't find anythin close by either. I know he's just messing with me & I'm not worried about losin my son. I'm just worried that one day he'll tell the wrong person about me & things will get a lot worse.

I just wish none of this ever happened cause I feel lyke an outcast in my own home & the ppl who I could normally turn to can't really be trusted as much now. Thanx for all your advice hopefully I find somethin soon.

[AnnieBrooke]

There might be shared housing you can find, you don't need to have an apartment of your own, you could just get a room or two rooms in a shared house.  I'd get out of there immediately, and start to put together a track record (one good way is going to church and making friends there) so if he comes out with all this misleading trash talk (especially in a court) you will have character witnesses.  He's messing with your head and it is so not worth putting up with it.

[penswriter]

First thing you need to do is tell your son you do love him. Then cut ex and your sister out of your life. You and your son do not need that. Have you tried talking to your mom? Or anyone else that could help you. It may be easier to stay with your parents, grandparents or an aunt until you can get the money for an apartment and everything you need. There are also government agencies that will help out a single mom. They can help with housing, food and money. Get in contact with them asap! There is always a way out!

And unless your ex can prove you to be an unfit mother, he will most likely NOT get your son. If he does take it to court just get a good lawyer. Most judges are reluctant to take a child away from it's mother.