my family-husband relationship

[whala]

Dear Dr. Hello!
My question is regarding relation between me, my husband and my family (my sister in particular). I am from a very warm family and I have a very very close relation with my family. I also have a very good relation with my husband, he is very understanding person but he wants me exclusively for himself. I work during the week so I have a very limited time to meet my family/sister, and during the weekend my husband does not like to go to my family, he likes to be together and have fun just two of us. But for example my sister is student and she is alone at home, she likes to go out during the weekend and I also relly like it but my husband does not let me to pick her. they treat each other very well but I don't know why he wants just me! or many times my sister wants me to go for shopping together but I can't leave my husband alone at home and go for shopping with my sister. If I want to go I need to take off hours from my work!!!! I really don't know how to manage this with my husband, even if I meet my family every 10 days, he does not change his mind! maybe it is useful to say that he is the same with his family. he does not miss his sister even if he meets her every 10 days!!!! plz give me advises :)

[Judy246]

Hi, you can find the doctor in the "Relationship Decisions Forum", but I can share my opinion on this topic. Your husband is being unreasonable. Family is family and not even your husband can break or come between the "blood" bond of family. I also think he is controlling and insecure. Scared to lose you or wants you all to himself. This is selfish. The key to a good relationship is communication and trust and to be able to discuss problems and issues without them escalating and threatening the deteriorate the relationship. Tell your husband you will spend quality weekend time with him and make time for family also. Tell him it's important to  you and you need your family, so it's unreasonable for him to feel threaten or overbearing behavior with your family. Have him invite a few of his friends over to watch sports, but not to cause unecessary stress and problems over family. Remind him that family is forever.  Judy

[whala]

Hi Judy, thank you very much for your useful reply. The problem is that I don't know how to say to him that I want to go for example for shopping with my sister. Me and my husband both work and during the week after work he prefers to stay at home because he feels peaceful. But for me I prefer to go to my mother or mother-in-law (at least once a week) to have dinner and rest some. Everything at my home is managed very well, perfect cooking, washed and ironed clothes all the time, clean house, ..all is fine and we have a very good personal relation, nothing is missed and he appreciates this and even he says that I do more than I should. But he likes home! or we go out together (we often go to do some sport together or he goes with his friends) when is weekend my mother calls to have lunch or dinner together he does not like, or for example when we are going there he says to me it is 13:30, we leave on 16:00!! and when we are there he is bored all the time. Or for example my mother has prepared cake, of course it takes after 16:00, he does not accpect to stay and says we should go. I feel very bad becasue my mother does this favor for us!! ok if I met my mom very often this is acceptable but when I meet her late why not to stay more? and look after 16:00 we go out, anywhere...ok in a weekend afternoon I would like to take my sister also if we are going to the movie (i.e)...but when I ask should we go alone? he says YES, I don't know how to say my words to him!! please give me some guides about "how to talk with him and how to say my issue". to know his personality he is not bad tempered or angry. he is a nice man in all other aspects but he just wants my time all for him.

[Judy246]

I think it's time for you to stop fearing him. He is dominating in an unecessary way. Maybe he is watching the budget and that is his concern, not so much that you are with your sister, as to spending.  Talk to him about this unless it is your own personal money then you can do whatever you want with it.  If spending is the concern to him, it needs to be addressed, if it's your sister, then it's just too bad for him and tell him, "(sister's name) invited me shopping and will pick me up at 10 am, so I'll be back, don't wait". I'll call when I'm on my way home".  If he starts a fight, tell him to stop, you had enought and you will see him when you get back.  He's just going to have get use the fact that you have a mind of your own and you can't be afraid of his reaction, that is unhealthy, controlling, will effect your self esteem and other negative reactions to you and he has to be made aware that he is effecting you and the relationship in a negative way. If he is a house man, wonderful...we should all be that lucky, but it is also ok for you to have your private time also. You have earned it and he's just going to have to accept you as you are. You need to SPEAK UP and tell him that it's ok if he does not want to accompany you to family events, but that he will be the one having to explain to them why and you don't want to be put in a position of having to lie or come up with excuses for him. Tell him, if he doesn't want to come, fine, but if asked you will reply he decided to stay home and whatch sports or simply wanted to stay home. It sounds as if you have a good marriage, it's just a marriage issues that is quite common.  I have a sister who's husband comes to visit and starts to pace like an animal and yawn. It's obvious he doesn't want to be here and I would prefer if he would just stay home...Good Luck, Judy

[whala]

Oh Judy :) you speak very beautiful. The issue is not money at all and he also is not the type of controlling, he is in some way but I think that's normal as the man of the family. The issue is what you mentioned very correctly, he likes to stay home watching TV or films and he likes to be with me! He likes we go for shopping together even the smallest things and I don't have problem with all these, even when I want to go to my friends (just girls) parties he does not have any problem. He stays at home or he makes some plans for himself. The issue is exactly family events. Ok with his family, we don't go very often and even when we go to their home we don't stay very much, although I don't have any problem to go there at any time and for me it is better not to cook after work and just sit and talk and rest and even his mother says "why don't you come more", but he should like to meet his parents. (I mean the issue is not only with my family). But the problem with my family is that I want to meet my family more often and he feels bored there. He doesn't want to be alone at home and he doesn't like to stay there also! even we are there I should always be careful he doesn't feel bored. so I always ask myself when can I meet my mother?! when can I talk to my sister?! for example my mother cooks jam (cooked fruits) for us, ok I like to help her while cooking, but I really don't find personal time! or for some events, like new year I like to be with them for wrapping or decorating things, but we must go after all :( why? becasue my husband feels bored there! although my parents have wireless internet or TV DVD player, a big personal library, a very nice park close to the house... he can't (or doesn't want) to manage his time alone...what to do...when I find even 30 extra minutes (going somewhere), I go to visit my momy, and I don't say to my husband because later in the weekend he would say "you have recently met you home" (not angry of course). I don't know...well as you mentioned my "Private time" is the issue. I should learn how to treat with this. any idea??

[megochick101]

There is nothing wrong with having private time in a relationship or with visiting your family. If he doesn't want to go with you to visit your family then just leave him at home and go. Have him invite friends over like Judy said if he doesn't want to be alone. Just tell him that you'd like to see your family at least once a week, and it upsets you that he doesn't want you to do that. If he wants to go with you that's fine, if he doesn't want to go with you that's fine too, but tell him that you're going either way. Leave the choice up to him.

[Judy246]

He will just have to either come along or stay at home. Let him choose. Tell him you have been invited (wherever) and plan on attending and tell him to let you know if he is coming or not. Put the burden of his presence on him, but you deserve some private time, withouth getting the guilt trip at home.  Judy

[whala]

Thank you very much :-) I will try to speak better with him ;-) I think the problem is from my side, I interact very sensitive. I don't want to do anything which makes each of us upset and also my husband he is an understanding person, but becasue he has been independent from his 18, he is not very close to his family, he loves them of course and he likes to meet them but not as often as I do. for example he likes to buy clothes with me and with nobody else but for me this is not the case, I would prefer to buy some things with my mother or sister, but he thinks I should feel the same :-S that is what I should try to let him understand and I think the way of speaking is very important, I want to speak with him in a time that I am calm and peaceful...

[Judy246]

Hi Whala, it's called "passive" communication. You are a good, kind hearted person and want to avoid argument and it's time to be able to effectively communicate with him to your advantage. You want to avoid conflict and this journey called life is all about how you can effective deal with everyday life, stresses and situations and avoid conflict with him, but stand your ground when need be. You are correct when you say that he doesn't have the closeness and warm of family and that's sad, BUT it doesn't mean that he needs to interfear in your relationship with your family. That is the answer right there...he lacked family bonding and lacks this understanding of family bond. He loves you and you are his word and wants you all to himself, but the reality is that you also need to your own independent person also and learn to stand on your own always.

Tell him, "honey, my sister invited me out, would you like to come (that way he knows he is also included or invited). "I will be home soon (not setting a time frame on the outing), would you like me to bring you something or do you need something". That's just a few ways of telling him, "I'm going out with my sister and will be home soon...don't wait up and you were considered...bye"   Good luck, Judy

[whala]

Oh thanks Judy :-)
I think today will be a good day for practice. My mother called me and she said "I have bought a lot of fresh vegetables today, if you come here tonight I will cook (name of a food) special and fresh for you". Now, I really like to attend and I want to say this to my husband that I prefer to have dinner there tonight, ok please consider that, this won't end up to a fight or discussion usually but I know that he prefers not to go. well, I am thinking how to say this...what do you think? :-p

[Judy246]

I would like to see you think of a good respond without depending on others ok. I would like to see you good communication skills to your advantage. I would tell him, "Mom, bought new fresh vegetables and invited us both for dinner tonight, I plan on going, would you like to come or stay home and watch something special on tv? This is one of my favorite dish and would love if you come with me, if not, they will understand". Remember to always extend the invitation, but let him know that yes, you are going with or without him. Tell him you will be home soon and give him a great big kiss....Good Luck, Judy

[Judy246]

p.s. I love fresh vegetables and it sounds as if you have a very special family. He should be lucky to have both of you.  Judy

[whala]

Oh Judy as you state very correctly, I am very weak in communication skills. Ok if you see me I am a very social and kind person with a lot of friends and having good skill in communicating with friends and colleagues but not in my personal relation! I found this about myself after my marriage, the problem is that I can not have personal requests or reject other's requests. Although my husband is an understanding man and we love each other very much, but I feel I am weak in communicating with him. When he says something I can not reject or when I want to do something I can not ask him, I don't know why but MAYBE I always think that I may hurt somebody with my request!!! I never ask him for anything. Even when I want to buy something I can't tell him until he suggests. I don't know why but I know this is a problem from me. I can not say my words to him! and I should learn since it will cause problems in future specially after having children. I don't know how to practice.

p.s. about that night (with vegetables food) we went there and it was a very nice fun. I went home from work, I had some funny time with my husband, we talked and spent some personal time (as he likes) then I suggested (or invited) him to have the fresh food and he liked. We went to my parents and my brother and his wife also were there, so we had a very pleasant night, but before saying to him I was in a big struggle with myself about how to tell him :p