Aa
my husband gives up on everything
So my husband and I have been together for 5 years, married for two. Since I have been with him he has made many mistakes, including getting arrested (mostly for anger issues with the cops, he has some childish authority issue) he drives like a maniac, will not slow down, he's now lost his license and made it super difficult for me as I have to drive 60 miles total a day to take him to and from work. He works about 32 hrs a week at a job he hates. As in, threatens to quit almost daily. He has quit probably 5 jobs since I've been with him and put us in several precarious financial situations. I work two jobs and go to school and we barely get by. I have to spend my lunch and my evenings going to get him at work and sometimes feel like I'm gonna pass out from the stress or have a break down.we are doing ok since he has had this job, able to at least get by and pay our bills but it's never enough for him. We've racked up thousands in debt because of his poor choices, including spending a crap load of money on a muscle car he had to have or he wasn't "happy". It's now 1am and I have to 've at work in 7 hours. I just picked him up from his job and he had a breakdown getting upset how he hates his job he hates how we never get ahead in life, blah blah. He won't talk to me now and I'm crying and stressed. If you took his childish behavior and the stress out of our lives then I would tell you we are happy. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me. But he can't ever man up and grow up and I'm so tired of bearing the burden and waiting for him to grow up. I literally am out of answers, I told him sarcastically that it he can't handle his job and it's making him so unhappy that ill just work more. Take on more. It made him very angry and he won't talk to me. I was trying to make a point that I have twice the stress on my plate and I have to comfort him. He's good husband and person, he's never physically hurt me, he makes me laugh and is my best friend. As long as he has no responsibility he is great to be around. I feel like I weighed him down with marriage, but he asked me right? He made the plunge. I'm 30 and he's 25 and he cannot seem to grow up. Sorry if I'm repeating myself I'm just so tired and done. Thanks.
I agree that he needs to take responsibility for his losing his license. And that does mean not overtaxing your already hectic schedule. Maybe it's time for you to take a dive, tell him you're losing it and need his help. you cannot continue to do this all by yourself. Maybe even set up an appointment for yourself so he can see what it looks like to take responsibility for your own mental health issues.?
Was his mother controlling? Did she run the family? and wear the pants? Often when a person is surrounded with very strong controlling family members who want to do it all, the children (and adult children) are left bereft of their own confidence in their own abilities and they seek out Type A personalities to keep the ship afloat. This may have been done to him. If he was never taught how to live as an adult in this world, he is without any frame of reference.
If he sees you going to a therapist, unable to "fix" all his problems, because you simply "cannot" he may rally up and do some more for himself. I realize that if you were not to drive him to work, then he probably will lose his job. and that on top of your already stressed out life. Maybe you could downsize? for awhile to reduce the financial stress? Maybe he loses his jobs, because he was never taught to go to college and make a lie working in a career that he would enjoy? I realize that if a person has been spoiled, he might not see themselves as enjoying "work" at all, but i think that frame of mind could b e tweaked. As i said, maybe he's never had anyone take an interest in what he'd like to do? Is he artistic ? maybe graphic design. He he health conscious? maybe working in a hospital.Perhaps if he went to a career counselor (like he maybe should have when he was 17) he could find something to get excited about.
Exercise is important to health and well being. Does he get any exercise? Can he ride a bike to work? or to school? can he get a loan to go to school? here in canada our student loans are such that if a person does not get work, the government will pay the interest for you, until you make more than minimum wage. They are pretty forgiving here, and i was speaking to my banker about my son's student loan, and he said that even with a hefty loan, it would not necessarily keep (my son) from getting a mortgage himself. So it's maybe needn't be restrictive for future home ownership..Maybe it will take more than one course. Here you can go to school for 10 years, back to back. if you learn that you don't like one type of career, you can always go and take another course. Nothing like pride to change a person's whole outlook. Remember, i'm assuming that he did not have parent's who cared to find out what their son's hearts desire is. Its' okay for you to take that role. Better than role, than doormat or driver.
Something to think about. Good post. Maybe even you two could go for (hot) yoga or something together. Yes, it would be you nurturing him. Rather than just picking up the pieces of his not being raised to look after himself. you could teach him what you seemed to have learned at a young age? Different way of looking at it. for sure. And if he is up to going to college, he will realize what you've done for him.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Maimonides
Was his mother controlling? Did she run the family? and wear the pants? Often when a person is surrounded with very strong controlling family members who want to do it all, the children (and adult children) are left bereft of their own confidence in their own abilities and they seek out Type A personalities to keep the ship afloat. This may have been done to him. If he was never taught how to live as an adult in this world, he is without any frame of reference.
If he sees you going to a therapist, unable to "fix" all his problems, because you simply "cannot" he may rally up and do some more for himself. I realize that if you were not to drive him to work, then he probably will lose his job. and that on top of your already stressed out life. Maybe you could downsize? for awhile to reduce the financial stress? Maybe he loses his jobs, because he was never taught to go to college and make a lie working in a career that he would enjoy? I realize that if a person has been spoiled, he might not see themselves as enjoying "work" at all, but i think that frame of mind could b e tweaked. As i said, maybe he's never had anyone take an interest in what he'd like to do? Is he artistic ? maybe graphic design. He he health conscious? maybe working in a hospital.Perhaps if he went to a career counselor (like he maybe should have when he was 17) he could find something to get excited about.
Exercise is important to health and well being. Does he get any exercise? Can he ride a bike to work? or to school? can he get a loan to go to school? here in canada our student loans are such that if a person does not get work, the government will pay the interest for you, until you make more than minimum wage. They are pretty forgiving here, and i was speaking to my banker about my son's student loan, and he said that even with a hefty loan, it would not necessarily keep (my son) from getting a mortgage himself. So it's maybe needn't be restrictive for future home ownership..Maybe it will take more than one course. Here you can go to school for 10 years, back to back. if you learn that you don't like one type of career, you can always go and take another course. Nothing like pride to change a person's whole outlook. Remember, i'm assuming that he did not have parent's who cared to find out what their son's hearts desire is. Its' okay for you to take that role. Better than role, than doormat or driver.
Something to think about. Good post. Maybe even you two could go for (hot) yoga or something together. Yes, it would be you nurturing him. Rather than just picking up the pieces of his not being raised to look after himself. you could teach him what you seemed to have learned at a young age? Different way of looking at it. for sure. And if he is up to going to college, he will realize what you've done for him.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Maimonides
Your mess might be sorted out if your husband would get proper counseling. He needs someone outside the family to help get straightened out. Also, he needs to sell that muscle car, since he can't drive anyway. He needs to stop having you drive him to and from work, whether he takes the bus, gets a ride from a fellow worker, or whatever.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. I must say I agree with above.
As I just had a super hectic day with all of my responsibilities, londres comment really hit home for me . . . of course he is great to be around when he has no responsibility.
Honestly, he is what he is and as long as you allow it, it will continue. I think you need firm boundaries and an exit strategy if he doesn't live up to expectations. For your own peace of mind hon.
good advice all the way around in the above posters comments. good luck, this is hard. But I think you know what would probably be best for you (and for him if it forced the issue of his becoming a responsible adult.)
As I just had a super hectic day with all of my responsibilities, londres comment really hit home for me . . . of course he is great to be around when he has no responsibility.
Honestly, he is what he is and as long as you allow it, it will continue. I think you need firm boundaries and an exit strategy if he doesn't live up to expectations. For your own peace of mind hon.
good advice all the way around in the above posters comments. good luck, this is hard. But I think you know what would probably be best for you (and for him if it forced the issue of his becoming a responsible adult.)
I think your last line is the most hopeful - that you're done.
There are things that young men do that are mistakes - and he is still quite young at 25 compared to your 30 - but rage isn't really a youthful mistake.
I hope you are on very reliable birth control while you sort this out.
There are things that young men do that are mistakes - and he is still quite young at 25 compared to your 30 - but rage isn't really a youthful mistake.
I hope you are on very reliable birth control while you sort this out.
Counseling! He sounds like he's got an emotional problem that has to be dealt with immediately. If he is going to own up to anything, and stop the destruction, he needs to take responsibility for his emotional well being first. I hear a lot of fear going on in his head. Counseling, meditation, time for himself, are all things he can do. What you can do is keep giving him love and affection, while kicking his butt to be accountable at the same time...this doesn't mean yelling or blaming; but, just tell him how his behavior is making you "feel"....name calling, and accusations will get you nowhere. Make the counseling appointment for him if you have to. Offer to start with him; but, don't take no for an answer...something has to give, or you relationship is terminal.
"He's good husband and person, he's never physically hurt me, he makes me laugh and is my best friend. As long as he has no responsibility he is great to be around. I feel like I weighed him down with marriage, but he asked me right?"................Of course he is great to be around when he has no responsibility especially when you are willing to pile most of the responsibility on your plate.
I am comfused. Did you want a child or a husband? This sounds more like a child/mother relationship vs. a marriage. He sounds like a teenage boy wanting to do what he wants, reckless and throws a tantram when he doesn't get his way (anger issues).
I would say you really, really need to reevaluate this marriage and quit enabling him. You are contributing to the problem.
Has he sought any help for his issues?
This is NO good match for you. He is in NO way, shape or form your equal. An immature guy getting into trouble with the law who has severe anger management issues.............I would say get out while you can.
BTW: A best friend doesn't take advantage of you.
You may love him but he is NO good for you.
I am comfused. Did you want a child or a husband? This sounds more like a child/mother relationship vs. a marriage. He sounds like a teenage boy wanting to do what he wants, reckless and throws a tantram when he doesn't get his way (anger issues).
I would say you really, really need to reevaluate this marriage and quit enabling him. You are contributing to the problem.
Has he sought any help for his issues?
This is NO good match for you. He is in NO way, shape or form your equal. An immature guy getting into trouble with the law who has severe anger management issues.............I would say get out while you can.
BTW: A best friend doesn't take advantage of you.
You may love him but he is NO good for you.
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