need advice

[riaa0815]

My boyfriend&  I have been dating for 7 months. He's had my heart since the beginning and I think he always will. We disagree over the most littlest things which causes us to break up. Usually for a short period of time though. We now are expecting a baby (im 9 weeks) and its been alot to deal with. We both love each other but we've realized that when we argue its because of lack of communication. When he's mad he doesn't want to talk but I would want to, then when I'M upset I want to talk and he doesn't. We talked about it last night but it made me realize other things I don't like. I constantly show him that I care and I kiss him or hug him out of random but he doesn't hardly do it to me. Maybe he's just not used to randomly showing his affection but im not sure how to take it. Am I being overdramatic about the situtation? Am I just trying to get too much attention from him? What should I do.

[specialmom]

Must agree.  If someone chokes and pushes us, they are dangerous.  You need to take that seriously and understand that this is not an every day issue in a relationship,  Violence is serious and a couple that is violent with one another can not be together unless one or the other seek intensive therapy/treatment for anger issues.  

Please do the right thing and keep yourself safe.  Peace

[Londres70]

Evie1029 is correct.

After reading your post in the Abuse Support forum I would determine this relationship is abusive and toxic.  

You need to leave NOW and not return to this relationship before this escalates  to something worse than being thrown onto the floor while pregnant, which would be ENOUGH for me to leave and never look back.    

Please consider your unborn child's safety and well-being.  

RockRose definitely had some good insight into the root of your issues.

Seeking therapy is HIGHLY recommended.  

[Evie1029]

I'm confused.  I read a post of yours in the Abuse Support forum that your boyfriend has choked you and pushed you with all of his strength twice while you were pregnant.  This makes me assume that he's pushed you more than twice.  I know you love him but you need to LEAVE, like yesterday.  It's only going to get worse, situations like these NEVER get better.  Every time he hurts you he's putting your baby at risk of getting hurt too.  

[riaa0815]

Well I was raised by my grandparents so their way of relationships were very old fashioned. They rarely showed each other affection as I was growing up. I'M mother never was good with relationships. Her&  her boyfriends always broke up and she always yelled at them his mom has never had a stable relationship either. His mother raised him&  6 other of his siblings. Maybe we both have insecurities since we never really never seen stable relationships go on. We are trying to work through our problems but I've just been so heavyheaded lately. I don't know if because of my hormones but I know I need to stop. I just want things right between us because I love him with all my heart&  I want usto be great parents together.

[RockRose]

riaa,  do either of you have parents with successful marriages?  It sounds to me like neither of you have any experience watching long term relationships where the couple goes through difficulties but are mature enough to handle each other with love and respect.

[sweetcheeksuk01]

I have been seeing my bf just over 2 months and as you said he's got my heart and I think I got his but he's not been used to showing affection he's a little embarrassed about, especially in public! When it's just me n him he's fine, loving caring and won't let go. As like you we argue and broke up but found that its more to his mates interfering and we talked about this!

I find the distance between me and my fella gives us both time to calm down and were not always living in each others pockets so space could be a good idea.

Hope you work things out for you and your child and congratulations I am dying to start a family with my guy :)

[specialmom]

Oh goodness.  Well, when we are coming to blows then YES there is a problem.  

As I said, pick your battles.  When you CAN walk away from something you disagree on, do so.  It takes self control but if you are going to be a mother you have to exhibit this.  When you are feeling anger that could turn to rage building--  you need to recognize that and have something that you do instead, a plan.  You go for a walk on your own, you go into the bathroom and sit there by yourself to calm down, you have a journal to write in and you go and do that rather than blowing your top.  Each of you respect that the other is trying to cool off and give the other the room to do that.  It is anger management that you must work on before this baby gets here because guess what==  kids can push our buttons too.  Have your boyfriend also have strategies for himself to keep situations from escalating.  Using I statements rather than You statements helps because people become less defensive when talking.  "I feel so unappreciated when you don't thank me for dinner" rather than "you are so ungrateful, you never say thank you".  

I'm a little concerned because you have a baby on the way----  hopefully you two can get this worked out before then.  If you really have grave doubts about this and think the home would be a bit unstable with fighting, then either try to do some counseling together or consider that the relationship might not be great to raise a baby in.  Ugh.  let us know how it goes.

[riaa0815]

He loves when I give him kisses or random hugs but he says that sometimes it can be a little too much but he still appreciates it. We realized that when we argue&  make up we never make a plan St deal with the "what if we argue again, what do we do" were trying to work on coming up with solutions for when were mad especially since now a child is involved in our lives. Three nights ago we had gotten so mad at each other that it caused me to actually hit him because I let all my built up anger get the best of me.  Him being a man he didn't put his hands on me he just picked me up put me on the bed told me to calm down. But then he left me there to get breathing space. I thought after that we would be done but he called me last night, first our words were anger but we some how calmed down talked about everything shared some laughs talked about what happened. He asked if I wanted to work things out&  get back together, usualy I wouldsay yes but I told him "look let's have some space to breathe for a little&  to just relax&  collect ourselves and by next week we can talk again&  if you want to still be with me then let's do it" he agreed but everyday I realize how much I miss him but I think this space between us will be good for us so we can learn a little more about each other. I told him that we should start from scratch&  focus on working together as friends.  

[specialmom]

Well, I don't know----  is there ever too much love that a partner can show us?  

Ya know, I married a man that was a little different than me.  'We grew up totally differently.  He had 'old school' parents and wasn't shown a lot of affection.  So, he wasn't the best at it himself.  I show him affection and he is happy for it.  He likes it.  Does your boyfriend like it when you randomly show him affection or does he pull away?  That would really bother me.  However, sometimes, if the problem is just that he doesn't always think to do it himself, then TELL him that you like it.  Ask him to do it more.  Then he can remind himself to go up and give you a random hug.  Yeah, then it isn't random and more planned but you still get your hug.  Baby steps, right?  But helping someone along for meeting our needs is part of meshing our life with someone.

As to the arguing,  Well, I'm really glad that you both recognize that you need to work on this.  This will really help in solving the problem and working through how you talk to one another.  I found for a happy marriage, I definately pick my battles.  Lots of little things I let go so that if something really does matter, it carries more weight.

I'm sure being pregnant is scary.  It makes things much more serious and now you realize that you are forever tied to this man.  It is always best to make sure we want to be before we make a baby, but oh well.  Work through the issues and hopefully it will all be just fine.

I do wish you luck and let us know how things go!