Aa
need advise on my relationship/marriage
My husband and I were married a year this February and have a 1 year old daughter (July 9th)and he has a 6 year old son. My husband seems to forget he has a family. He does what ever he wants to do and doesn't worry about my or my daughter. He takes her to daycare in morning. She gets up at 7:00 and he normally has her to daycare by 8:30. When he comes home from work and weekends he does nothing to help with her. He says he takes care of her Monday-Friday in the mornings. I can't get him to help out at home. I am not a stay at home mom, I work 40 hours a week. One of his jobs is the garbage. Which is picked up on Monday mornings. During the week if the bag gets full, he'll keep piling stuff on top until it is over flowing. I'll ask him to take it down so I can put a new bag in and he says it's not garbage day. He'll tell me he has no clean underware. I tell him unless I do laundry I don't get into his drawer to notice he is out. I ask him why can't you throw a load in if you know you are getting low. He'll come back and tell me I am suppose to check. I can't even get him to put a dish in the dishwasher. His excuess all the time is I didn't know if it was clean or dirty. I reply back open the door and check. He expects to be waited on hand and foot. He acts helpless. When I start B----ing about things he tells me to shut up and get out of his face, he doesn't want to hear me. He won't even get of the couch to get a tissue to blow his nose. He'll keep sucking it in until I can't take it no more and get up and get one for him or throw the box at him.
Come weekends we agree about his son. I have issues on him not disciplining his son and his eating habits. His son doesn't eat well. He is always sick and has no energy. If you ask him to try something he acts like it is going to kill him. I refuse to cook two meals. My daughter has to try everything we eat, well the stuff she can try, being only 1. If I try to tell his son something I get yelled at. I can't even tell his son to eat over plate without getting yelled at. Or cover his mouth when he coughs. He tells me come weekends he is going to stay somewhere else with his son. On weekends he'll take off with his son and not help with his daughter. It's like he only has his son when it comes to weekends. I know we only have him on weekends but it would be nice to get some help. We should be doing things as a family. I know they need their daddy son time but to completly push us away and act like we aren't there come weekends isn't fair. I am sick of us getting into fights and feeling like a single mother half the time. I have suggested family therapy but he has I am the crazy one that needs therapy. Plus we have another baby on the way due Jan. (on pill and got preg-not planned) I don't know if I can take 50 more years of this. Please help.
Come weekends we agree about his son. I have issues on him not disciplining his son and his eating habits. His son doesn't eat well. He is always sick and has no energy. If you ask him to try something he acts like it is going to kill him. I refuse to cook two meals. My daughter has to try everything we eat, well the stuff she can try, being only 1. If I try to tell his son something I get yelled at. I can't even tell his son to eat over plate without getting yelled at. Or cover his mouth when he coughs. He tells me come weekends he is going to stay somewhere else with his son. On weekends he'll take off with his son and not help with his daughter. It's like he only has his son when it comes to weekends. I know we only have him on weekends but it would be nice to get some help. We should be doing things as a family. I know they need their daddy son time but to completly push us away and act like we aren't there come weekends isn't fair. I am sick of us getting into fights and feeling like a single mother half the time. I have suggested family therapy but he has I am the crazy one that needs therapy. Plus we have another baby on the way due Jan. (on pill and got preg-not planned) I don't know if I can take 50 more years of this. Please help.
Michigan Mom, let me first say I admire you for not lashing out when things are said to you that are confrontational. and probably hurtful - that's a really nice side of you that you can reply back always keeping a civil tone.
But. i don't know if you go back and carefully read through your posts after you post them, to refresh your memory about what you said and the tones you use to describe your family, but you and your husband disagree about a LOT more than just discipline. This whole thread is about sharing equally in the workload, and mutual respect, and you feeling abandoned a lot of the time. You've only been married 6 months and your marriage is on the sharp hard rocks. I am not suggesting that you do lhe tasks in the house - but that you treat your husband with love and affection - rather than snapping at him or throwing a box of tissues at him. When you say you don't have to be "nicer to have him around" - you're wrong. You do have to be nicer, and warm and loving, or you won't have him around. You may decide you don't want him - but if you do want to stay married, you have to be loving or he'll leave.
And I don't think limited diet is the reason he's so small and thin - I have a nephew who is a high school football player whose diet is every bit that limited, and he's a big robust boy. This boy isn't thriving because he doesn't have a warm comfortable loving homelife where he feels at ease. Honestly, that stunts kids growth.
Best wishes.
But. i don't know if you go back and carefully read through your posts after you post them, to refresh your memory about what you said and the tones you use to describe your family, but you and your husband disagree about a LOT more than just discipline. This whole thread is about sharing equally in the workload, and mutual respect, and you feeling abandoned a lot of the time. You've only been married 6 months and your marriage is on the sharp hard rocks. I am not suggesting that you do lhe tasks in the house - but that you treat your husband with love and affection - rather than snapping at him or throwing a box of tissues at him. When you say you don't have to be "nicer to have him around" - you're wrong. You do have to be nicer, and warm and loving, or you won't have him around. You may decide you don't want him - but if you do want to stay married, you have to be loving or he'll leave.
And I don't think limited diet is the reason he's so small and thin - I have a nephew who is a high school football player whose diet is every bit that limited, and he's a big robust boy. This boy isn't thriving because he doesn't have a warm comfortable loving homelife where he feels at ease. Honestly, that stunts kids growth.
Best wishes.
Just a thought. It sounds like there is a lot of stress in your house right now, and your stepson is probably picking up on it. Sometimes when children are picky with food, it's because they desire more control over their life. Your stepson can't do much to change the stress and tension in the house, BUT he can control what he eats. Eating the same food everyday may give him a sense of security - something reliable that he can depend on each day. It's like a toddler who refuses to potty train. And it's a symptom of he's feeling, akin with the home environment. I suspect that if/once you and your husband create a happier, more stable emotional arrangement, your stepson will find his confidence to relax and try new things. Just a thought - good luck!
Rock Rose-
In regards to my step son not trying things, the only reason why I make it a big deal is because of his health. He does not eat health. I know children like a variety of foods. But when a child is under weight, is sick all the time and has no engergy for a 6 year old becuase of his diet, it is a problem. My family and husbands family can see it's an issue but he can't. That is my concern. If we could get him to try things maybe he would eat healthier. List of what he eats.... Cereal and waffels is the breakfast food he'll eat. Lunch & dinner foods- mac & cheese, mc donalds chicken nuggets, P&J, grilled cheese and pizza. That is it. How is that healthy for him to grow and develop? It's not. That is why I push for him to try things. It's not to be mean it's for his own good.
I didn't pick my husband without knowning him. We went to highschool together. I have known him for about 15 years. You don't know our situation on getting pregnant before marriage. I have medical condition and they told me they didn't think I could have children. I had surgery 2 years ago and the dr said if we wanted to have children this was our best time after the surgery. So we didn't have a choice. I had two miscarriages before I got preg. with my daughter. And on the second one, it wasn't planned-I was taking two pills a day for problem. I was suppose to have a hysterectomy this past June because of problem but I found out I was expecting. My husband and I have alot in common. The only thing we disagree on is, disciplining children. He doesn't believe in any and I do.
He wasn't the way he is now before we got married. He helped around the house and with his son. He didn't expect me to wait on.
Now, he works maybe 5 hours a day, comes home for an hour, leaves for three hours to go mountain biking and comes home around 8:30 p.m. He does that monday-friday. Well wednesdays he is gone from 5:00-anywhere between 11:30p.m-2:30a.m. He bowls and than he goes out afterwards.
Why should I have to change and become more tolerant? I don't have to be nicer to have him be around. Marriage is a partnership. It's about meeting in middle and sharing responsiblities. I was brought up in a household, like I said above where both my parents worked a full time job and shared responsiblities around the house. He has to learn to be nicer as well and not treat me like I am a slave. I am his wife and I should get some respect as a wife.
confused-one.
You said you can't imagine acting the way I do, how is that? Asking for some help and being treated like a wife not a slave.
I am sorry you have to have back surgery 3 months ago.
You think 2 hours in the morning monday-friday, is helping a lot with our daughter? Being a father is a full time job just not 2 hours a day-being parents in general is a full time job. I could see if he said before we had our daughter that he wasn't going to help much, and I still decided to have a child than fine, I knew getting into it before hand. But that wasn't what was said.
I am glad you do all those things for your husband because you love him and you aren't his slave. But just because I ask for help doesn't mean I don't love my husband. I won't mind getting him something if I was up in kitchen or getting myself something. If you think by doing those things that show him you love him than, ok. But to me there is more than just that to show someone you love them. Since he doesn't do those things for you, does that mean he doesn't love you? I don't mind taking care of the house but it would be nice to get a break and get help. To be a wife and mother doesn't mean you have to do everything around the house, take care of the children and wait on your husband-at least now a days it doesn't.
Things weren't like that between my husband and I before we got married and had a child. So I didn't sign up for that.
I love my child and husband very much. Keeping the family together shouldn't be all on me.
You said quit worrying about how "hard" it is for me...why should it be 100% easy for him? That isn't the job of a husband and father.
In regards to my step son not trying things, the only reason why I make it a big deal is because of his health. He does not eat health. I know children like a variety of foods. But when a child is under weight, is sick all the time and has no engergy for a 6 year old becuase of his diet, it is a problem. My family and husbands family can see it's an issue but he can't. That is my concern. If we could get him to try things maybe he would eat healthier. List of what he eats.... Cereal and waffels is the breakfast food he'll eat. Lunch & dinner foods- mac & cheese, mc donalds chicken nuggets, P&J, grilled cheese and pizza. That is it. How is that healthy for him to grow and develop? It's not. That is why I push for him to try things. It's not to be mean it's for his own good.
I didn't pick my husband without knowning him. We went to highschool together. I have known him for about 15 years. You don't know our situation on getting pregnant before marriage. I have medical condition and they told me they didn't think I could have children. I had surgery 2 years ago and the dr said if we wanted to have children this was our best time after the surgery. So we didn't have a choice. I had two miscarriages before I got preg. with my daughter. And on the second one, it wasn't planned-I was taking two pills a day for problem. I was suppose to have a hysterectomy this past June because of problem but I found out I was expecting. My husband and I have alot in common. The only thing we disagree on is, disciplining children. He doesn't believe in any and I do.
He wasn't the way he is now before we got married. He helped around the house and with his son. He didn't expect me to wait on.
Now, he works maybe 5 hours a day, comes home for an hour, leaves for three hours to go mountain biking and comes home around 8:30 p.m. He does that monday-friday. Well wednesdays he is gone from 5:00-anywhere between 11:30p.m-2:30a.m. He bowls and than he goes out afterwards.
Why should I have to change and become more tolerant? I don't have to be nicer to have him be around. Marriage is a partnership. It's about meeting in middle and sharing responsiblities. I was brought up in a household, like I said above where both my parents worked a full time job and shared responsiblities around the house. He has to learn to be nicer as well and not treat me like I am a slave. I am his wife and I should get some respect as a wife.
confused-one.
You said you can't imagine acting the way I do, how is that? Asking for some help and being treated like a wife not a slave.
I am sorry you have to have back surgery 3 months ago.
You think 2 hours in the morning monday-friday, is helping a lot with our daughter? Being a father is a full time job just not 2 hours a day-being parents in general is a full time job. I could see if he said before we had our daughter that he wasn't going to help much, and I still decided to have a child than fine, I knew getting into it before hand. But that wasn't what was said.
I am glad you do all those things for your husband because you love him and you aren't his slave. But just because I ask for help doesn't mean I don't love my husband. I won't mind getting him something if I was up in kitchen or getting myself something. If you think by doing those things that show him you love him than, ok. But to me there is more than just that to show someone you love them. Since he doesn't do those things for you, does that mean he doesn't love you? I don't mind taking care of the house but it would be nice to get a break and get help. To be a wife and mother doesn't mean you have to do everything around the house, take care of the children and wait on your husband-at least now a days it doesn't.
Things weren't like that between my husband and I before we got married and had a child. So I didn't sign up for that.
I love my child and husband very much. Keeping the family together shouldn't be all on me.
You said quit worrying about how "hard" it is for me...why should it be 100% easy for him? That isn't the job of a husband and father.
Wow, I'm sorry but to an extent I have to agree with Rose, my dad is like you he thins my son is spoiled because he will taste his food by putting his tounge to it, if he doesn't like it I don't mke him eat it because he will throw up. As for your DH, I posted on here because I am trying to save my marrage & I cannot even imagine acting the way you do. I work more than 40 hrs a week, I had back surgery less than 3 months ago, my MIL lives with us because she is disabled & can't live on her own, I get off work & take care of my son, my DH doesn't help as much with our son as you say your Dh does with your daughter, I go to Dr appts, I take care of our home, I am not even 25 yrs old yet & guess what if we are sitting on the couch watching tv & I notice his drink is low, I get up & get him more. I do laundry often enough that he has never had to run out of underwear. I make him a lunch to take to work with him every day. I don't do these things because I'm his slave, I do them because I love him & yes I get less sleep than anyone else in the house, I knew that when I signed up to be a wife & mom & I'm ok with it. If you truly love your kids & your DH you will try harder to keep your family together & quit worrying about how "hard" it is for you.
Sorry you are going through this...here are some things that might help out...
1. Discipline must come from the biological parent. Unfortunately, as much as you would like to discipline or help your step-son eat healthy, it must come from his dad. You can work out a behavior plan together (this is something I would sit down and do with my hubby--ask your DH what he is comfortable with you doing or saying) but it will fall to him to discipline. With your 1-year old, that will fall to you, although since she is so young and she will most likely see your DH has her father, it is possible that he may have a larger role to play in the discipline. The other thing is that you are about to have a new child together, so together you will raise the new little one...there must be a behavior plan in place that both of you are happy with which will reduce frustrations as a whole.
2. I would buy as much healthy food as possible, but I also would allow your step-son to come grocery shopping with you and decide on one or two choices. Even if the one or two choices are not healthy, your overall grocery purchases will be healthy so he will have a balanced intake of food. Let him choose sometimes what he wants for dinner too, based on what you have purchased. (I would give a 6 year old only two or three choices, maybe on Friday nights or another night).
3. His lack of energy could also be a sign that he is just unhappy with things. Kids can suffer from depression or even withdraw if they are in a house hold that sees arguments or hostility. I would address his lack of energy by suggesting to him activities he would like to get involved in--sports or swimming or even riding a bike. The key with this one, though, is that you do it together with him.
4. Take time to spend alone with your step-son. This could be when your daughter has gone to bed (if she goes to bed slightly earlier than him) or on a weekend. Even just an hour dedicated to spending time with him would help him adjust.
5. It is obvious that the more you push your DH, the less he is willing to do and that he backs off completely and will run the other direction. Instead, it might be better for you to have a conversation, when the children are not around, about which chores he would want to do and which chores he would rather you do, etc. The thing here is that he has expectations right now and you have expectations right now and they are not the same...that is what is causing you conflict. It is over expectations. I would deal with your top three jobs around the house first. Let the other ones slide for a while. Address the ones together that both of you find are most pressing.
6. I would make sure your hubby knows you feel underappreciated and alone in the marriage. Don't tell him this in the middle of an argument, but do set aside time to let him know that. Ask him too if he feels that way. Maybe he is balking at chores because he feels unloved. Men tend to be more willing to do things if they feel that they are loved, encouraged and supported. Women tend to feel like a man doing the chores shows her love, support and encouragement!! Men don't always understand that connection--that to us, doing chores is showing us how much they love and support us.
7. Get some support for yourself, whether that be from a counselor or from a community group or a church or from extended family. You are going to burn out if you don't have this.
I hope this helps. This is going to take time and you won't see results instantly. As well, you are pregnant, so you have to also know that right now you are most likely exhausted, hormonal and needing to just relax in a warm bath and have some peace. Since this is an unwanted or at least a bit of a surprise pregnancy for you, you are going to be having mixed emotions about this too. The less stressed you can be, the better it is for that little baby inside of you.
Take care!
1. Discipline must come from the biological parent. Unfortunately, as much as you would like to discipline or help your step-son eat healthy, it must come from his dad. You can work out a behavior plan together (this is something I would sit down and do with my hubby--ask your DH what he is comfortable with you doing or saying) but it will fall to him to discipline. With your 1-year old, that will fall to you, although since she is so young and she will most likely see your DH has her father, it is possible that he may have a larger role to play in the discipline. The other thing is that you are about to have a new child together, so together you will raise the new little one...there must be a behavior plan in place that both of you are happy with which will reduce frustrations as a whole.
2. I would buy as much healthy food as possible, but I also would allow your step-son to come grocery shopping with you and decide on one or two choices. Even if the one or two choices are not healthy, your overall grocery purchases will be healthy so he will have a balanced intake of food. Let him choose sometimes what he wants for dinner too, based on what you have purchased. (I would give a 6 year old only two or three choices, maybe on Friday nights or another night).
3. His lack of energy could also be a sign that he is just unhappy with things. Kids can suffer from depression or even withdraw if they are in a house hold that sees arguments or hostility. I would address his lack of energy by suggesting to him activities he would like to get involved in--sports or swimming or even riding a bike. The key with this one, though, is that you do it together with him.
4. Take time to spend alone with your step-son. This could be when your daughter has gone to bed (if she goes to bed slightly earlier than him) or on a weekend. Even just an hour dedicated to spending time with him would help him adjust.
5. It is obvious that the more you push your DH, the less he is willing to do and that he backs off completely and will run the other direction. Instead, it might be better for you to have a conversation, when the children are not around, about which chores he would want to do and which chores he would rather you do, etc. The thing here is that he has expectations right now and you have expectations right now and they are not the same...that is what is causing you conflict. It is over expectations. I would deal with your top three jobs around the house first. Let the other ones slide for a while. Address the ones together that both of you find are most pressing.
6. I would make sure your hubby knows you feel underappreciated and alone in the marriage. Don't tell him this in the middle of an argument, but do set aside time to let him know that. Ask him too if he feels that way. Maybe he is balking at chores because he feels unloved. Men tend to be more willing to do things if they feel that they are loved, encouraged and supported. Women tend to feel like a man doing the chores shows her love, support and encouragement!! Men don't always understand that connection--that to us, doing chores is showing us how much they love and support us.
7. Get some support for yourself, whether that be from a counselor or from a community group or a church or from extended family. You are going to burn out if you don't have this.
I hope this helps. This is going to take time and you won't see results instantly. As well, you are pregnant, so you have to also know that right now you are most likely exhausted, hormonal and needing to just relax in a warm bath and have some peace. Since this is an unwanted or at least a bit of a surprise pregnancy for you, you are going to be having mixed emotions about this too. The less stressed you can be, the better it is for that little baby inside of you.
Take care!
Michigan mom - I wouldn't have posted what I did had I not read your posts about your step son before. All we know about you is what you write - and you sound like you're constantly sniping at both your husband and this boy. Who cares that your one year old eats a variety of foods, and that you have a "rule" that she has to try everything? What does that matter? Some kids like a variety of foods, and some kids are disgusted by different tastes and textures and will vomit if made to eat them, it's so disgusting. Your daughter isn't that way. Your stepson is. Stop making a battle out of his weekends by making him put food in his mouth that is vile.
You picked this guy, without knowing him, and chose to get pregnant before you got married and now as time goes on you've picked someone you're not matched with, and you're making life hard for this little waif of a boy.
If you don't change, and try to be kinder and more tolerant, you won't be married in two years. Regardless of who does or doesn't do the laundry - you picked him - and if you want him to be around, you have to be nicer.
I said this before - take ONE weekend, and don't say ONE negative or naggy thing to this boy, and see what a difference it makes in your marriage.
Best wishes. I don't think yo'ure going to fix him by nagging.
You picked this guy, without knowing him, and chose to get pregnant before you got married and now as time goes on you've picked someone you're not matched with, and you're making life hard for this little waif of a boy.
If you don't change, and try to be kinder and more tolerant, you won't be married in two years. Regardless of who does or doesn't do the laundry - you picked him - and if you want him to be around, you have to be nicer.
I said this before - take ONE weekend, and don't say ONE negative or naggy thing to this boy, and see what a difference it makes in your marriage.
Best wishes. I don't think yo'ure going to fix him by nagging.
How am I doing a lot of complaining about nothing? I work 40 hours a week. I come home and have a house and child to take care of. Is it asking much to get help from my husband around the house and with our daughter. It would be different if I was a stay at home mom, than I can see be responsible for all the house stuff and my daughter.
When it comes to my step son trying food-I am worried about his health and eating habits in general. He doesn't eat health. He is sick all the time. Has no energy for a 6 year old. Is that a crime for being concerned about his health. If he doesn't start trying new things and eating healthier I am affarid of what will happen to him.
I was not raised to wait on a guy hand and foot. Both my parents worked and share the house hold responsiblities. My mother might have done a little more than my father. But he still helped with laundry, emptying the dishwasher, with us kids, or cleaning the house. He didn't expect my mother to service him and wait on him. He has two legs and arms just like my mom and so does my husband. I have no problem getting him something to drink if I am in the frig. but if I am sitting next to him on the couch and he wants something, he can get up and get it himself.
All I was asking is how to get him to see what he is not doing and doing to me.
Would it hurt if he put a load of cloths in washer if he knows he is running out of underware, I don't think so. Or even asking him to do that, that isn't asking much.
It would be nice if I could have a day to relax and do nothing and have someone wait on me. Like I said I work just as hard as he does.
Regarding to helping out with daughter, he wanted another child too, not just me. With that there comes responsiblities. Not just 1 1/2 hours a day. It's 24-7.
For my marriage to work, I don't have to find a way to be more tolerant and affectionate, there needs to be some understand on his end and meeting in the middle on somethings, like helping out a little around the house.
When it comes to my step son trying food-I am worried about his health and eating habits in general. He doesn't eat health. He is sick all the time. Has no energy for a 6 year old. Is that a crime for being concerned about his health. If he doesn't start trying new things and eating healthier I am affarid of what will happen to him.
I was not raised to wait on a guy hand and foot. Both my parents worked and share the house hold responsiblities. My mother might have done a little more than my father. But he still helped with laundry, emptying the dishwasher, with us kids, or cleaning the house. He didn't expect my mother to service him and wait on him. He has two legs and arms just like my mom and so does my husband. I have no problem getting him something to drink if I am in the frig. but if I am sitting next to him on the couch and he wants something, he can get up and get it himself.
All I was asking is how to get him to see what he is not doing and doing to me.
Would it hurt if he put a load of cloths in washer if he knows he is running out of underware, I don't think so. Or even asking him to do that, that isn't asking much.
It would be nice if I could have a day to relax and do nothing and have someone wait on me. Like I said I work just as hard as he does.
Regarding to helping out with daughter, he wanted another child too, not just me. With that there comes responsiblities. Not just 1 1/2 hours a day. It's 24-7.
For my marriage to work, I don't have to find a way to be more tolerant and affectionate, there needs to be some understand on his end and meeting in the middle on somethings, like helping out a little around the house.
It sounds like you are very stressed out and you feel powerless. Perhaps one evening when you & your husband are both in a good mood, you can go out to dinner and then tell him that you feel stressed (if that is the case) and that you need him to help you out more around the house.
Good luck... I hope everything works out for you.
I remember your other post, but I don't agree with RockRose. I think you are talking about the other half of the same problem. I think you are in a really hard spot with your husband. He has no respect for you, and I am not sure how you can get respect from someone who treats you the way he does.
Your story sounded so familiar I went and dug it out of the child behavior forum.
I know you can't see it, because you do have some legitimate complaints, but you sound like you do a LOT of complaining - some of it about nothing. For example, this is the second time you've talked about how your baby tries new foods but your husband's son won't. There are a LOT of complaints here that you can just give up, and live with, and stop worrying about.
You sound so angry - this time, the focus of your complaints isn't your "abnormal" step son, but your lazy husband.
Somewhere, somehow, if you want to stay married you're going to have to find some way to be more tolerant and affectionate.
Best wishes. It doesn't sound like the atmosphere in your home is tolerable.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/17927
I know you can't see it, because you do have some legitimate complaints, but you sound like you do a LOT of complaining - some of it about nothing. For example, this is the second time you've talked about how your baby tries new foods but your husband's son won't. There are a LOT of complaints here that you can just give up, and live with, and stop worrying about.
You sound so angry - this time, the focus of your complaints isn't your "abnormal" step son, but your lazy husband.
Somewhere, somehow, if you want to stay married you're going to have to find some way to be more tolerant and affectionate.
Best wishes. It doesn't sound like the atmosphere in your home is tolerable.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/17927
read it again and i have a few more comments.
1) realize that you are in an emotionally abusive marriage. your husband is abusing you and the sooner you realize this, the more options you will retain to get yourself the help you need.
2) his actions are inappropriate and shameful on so many levels, i can't even get into all of them
3) it may be too late for this, but you need to sit down and divvy up chores. make him do ALL of his own laundry. don't budge on this, not even for a minute. make the rule that if one person cooks dinner, the other person cleans up after. if he balks at this idea, tell him he's welcome to cook the 3(4) of you dinner every night. tell him you refuse to live in a pig sty and you will expect him to keep up on the chores within reason. if you get really REALLY mad about the trash, take the garbage and dump it into his car trunk :) this is an evil, evil last resort, but it will certainly teach him a lesson!
honestly i see very little that is salvageable in this marriage. i hate to be a projector of doom, but i don't see how you're gonna be able to turn this one around. i hope, for your kids' sake, you can.... but it's going to take a LOT of work on both of your ends. if he's not willing to work on the relationship, nothing you do will turn it around. marriage takes two to make and one to break. don't forget this.
if he doesn't shape up, leave. take your toddler and leave. that will send him a message that is much louder than whatever words you're using currently. protect your money also. make sure you have enough stashed away in an account he can't access in case it comes to this.
1) realize that you are in an emotionally abusive marriage. your husband is abusing you and the sooner you realize this, the more options you will retain to get yourself the help you need.
2) his actions are inappropriate and shameful on so many levels, i can't even get into all of them
3) it may be too late for this, but you need to sit down and divvy up chores. make him do ALL of his own laundry. don't budge on this, not even for a minute. make the rule that if one person cooks dinner, the other person cleans up after. if he balks at this idea, tell him he's welcome to cook the 3(4) of you dinner every night. tell him you refuse to live in a pig sty and you will expect him to keep up on the chores within reason. if you get really REALLY mad about the trash, take the garbage and dump it into his car trunk :) this is an evil, evil last resort, but it will certainly teach him a lesson!
honestly i see very little that is salvageable in this marriage. i hate to be a projector of doom, but i don't see how you're gonna be able to turn this one around. i hope, for your kids' sake, you can.... but it's going to take a LOT of work on both of your ends. if he's not willing to work on the relationship, nothing you do will turn it around. marriage takes two to make and one to break. don't forget this.
if he doesn't shape up, leave. take your toddler and leave. that will send him a message that is much louder than whatever words you're using currently. protect your money also. make sure you have enough stashed away in an account he can't access in case it comes to this.
oh honey... i didn't even see this post until after i finished writing you a novel over on the nutrition board.
i guess my intuition was right. your husband sounds like an immature, unmotivated nightmare.
therapy is probably your best/(only?) option for marriage survival. i'm curious... why did he and his first wife divorce? you can learn a lot about a person by knowing the truthful answer to that question.
if he refuses to take stepson to the doctor, make the appointment yourself and take him there yourself. like i said over on the nutrition board, it's time to grow some balls and take charge of this situation. stop enabling his childish behavior and show him how a parent is supposed to act.
was he like this before you two married or is this behavior out of the blue? what made you decide he was the right one for a lifetime?
i guess my intuition was right. your husband sounds like an immature, unmotivated nightmare.
therapy is probably your best/(only?) option for marriage survival. i'm curious... why did he and his first wife divorce? you can learn a lot about a person by knowing the truthful answer to that question.
if he refuses to take stepson to the doctor, make the appointment yourself and take him there yourself. like i said over on the nutrition board, it's time to grow some balls and take charge of this situation. stop enabling his childish behavior and show him how a parent is supposed to act.
was he like this before you two married or is this behavior out of the blue? what made you decide he was the right one for a lifetime?
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