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need to vent
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need to vent

I posted in the past about a guy I like, he is recently divorced and i do understand that he needs to find himself and take a break from any thing that may feel binding. Two weeks ago he gave me a ton of attention and I enjoyed it so much,, but it was so quick and then he pulled away. Nope, no sex just almost. I later asked him about the shift and he said that he just was not ready to get into any type of relationship. Ok, I understand as I really don't want to be in one either- I just like him. So, I told him how I felt about him and I do not think this is a bad thing, but now I feel sure that I can't just say, I do feel this way but I also just want to be friends too. The deal is I also just noticed his FB page and I feel rather dumb as I see a bit more who he is, ok, so he is like I thought he was just it was more in my face- other girls, drinking, titty bars...ok, so he is a guy. I know with out a doubt not to say anything more at least right now, but it's killing me not to want to say something. So what do I do, how long do I need to wait to say anything more. In some ways I feel so dumb to have fallen for this guy when other's told me to stay away from him, as they knew a bit more than I realized. But I still like him, I just don't see forever with him...even thought I really want that.
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Avatar_f_tn
If I may be frank:

If other people are telling you to stay away, I'd listen to them.  If you don't see a forever with him yet want a forever, then you NEED to stay away for YOU.  You will be hurt very badly in the end if you continue this little fantasy, especially if he does decide to date you and he's really the kind of guy you seem to think he is based on his Facebook and what people say.  If you want a forever with him and he's not into forevers or he has behaviors that keep him from seeming like the type you can have a forever with, then what point is there?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh my goodness, the gives you attention and then pulls away is a real sign that he is in a confused state.  You seem so desirous of something from him that you read any and all signs to be that he is interested.  Get on with your life, find someone without baggage and stear clear of drama.  This is my best advice to you.   good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I LOVE what you both said. I think what i got from him is we can joke the same way, we have fun in that manner and it had been a very long time for me to find someone that we had such a great connection like that. I realize more and more that he is just like two other guys that I was involved with years back, I just did not catch all the signs until recently. I still want him as a friend, just I think a forever with a guy that does not understand what forever means is useless .  He did pull away, but he just divorced and this is is second marriage. I think he did not want to drag me into his mess that he needs to figure out who he is before he can allow someone into his life type of thing. For me this is healthy for both of us as he does bring out something in me that I need to explore more- for me, not him. None of us are perfect, we are all just evolving into what we are to become.
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3060903_tn?1390303996
HI ZOE, it's great to see your post. Wow, so things got a little steamy with the object of your affections huh? He pulled back because he respects you and doesn't want to lead you on Zoe. He knows of your affection and your seed has been planted. That's all you can do. You know how people try for years to have children, and then they decide to adopt, and right after they adopt they get pregnant? I think you should get involved with a dating site, and look at some pictures and read some biographies and do some dating. You need to have some fun Zoe, and why not go out to dinner. I know that we've talked about that before, and you said that you're not as young as the other women, but Zoe, that really doesn't matter. Take a chance, and be yourself, your personality does come out online. I've talked to you extensively on line, and your personality does shine through. Please think about giving it a try? What have you got to lose buddy? and remember the analogy I used. Stranger things have happened. Don't worry, be happy~~
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973741_tn?1342346373
Thank you for taking the advice in the light it was intended.  I really am glad that you understood one of the key points.  That something within you is sparked by this rather unhealth situation.  That is definately something to explore as you say.  peace and luck dear.  

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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you both so much for the uplift. I am at a healthier place today. I told one of my guy friends what happened and he said what do you plan to do next, I said nothing. I plan to work on me and since I enjoy working out again, I will just keep doing that. There is a singles meet up that I get updates on in my area and I now feel like I am ready to explore more on that. I do deserve someone good.  I don't want to get mixed up with someone who is stuck in collage days and drinking, they are fun to have as friends but not so much forevers. I love Steve H. Book, " Think like a Man, Act like a Woman" I have the book and the movie, really great advice.
Thank you all for allowing me vent here. My guy friends tell me when I tell then I wonder if I am goodenought for him, they tell me, that I am goodenought for anyone.   You know when I read others post on here I realize we are all searching for the same things. I also find it interesting that so many people settle for the wrong person than realize that they are not happy, that I find sad.  
Nighthawk61, that was so sweet of you to tell me that my personality comes out on here- that was so uplifting, thank you !!!
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1268057_tn?1379102055
I do remember your other posts.  Some of the info about your situation I am reading for the first time, so my opinion has changed a bit about this.  

This man is giving you ALOT of info about him and you need to take heed.
........Has been married TWICE
........You have seen his concerning FB page
........NEWLY divorced
........Pulling back
........"he said that he just was not ready to get into any type of relationship" meaning ANY kind.  


Sounds like you two are on VERY different paths.  

I think I told you in another post not to push this because this man was just coming out of a divorce.  I have experienced divorce and the process of dealing with the emotional aspect of it takes TIME even if YOU wanted the divorce.  You need time to ABSORB what has happened and it is definitely NOT the time to be establishing new relationships.  

I find that most men usually give women important info early on that they should take HEED to whether they are doing that directly or indirectly and we NEED to HEED to these things and NOT ignore or pretent they aren't there.  

Listen to the WORDS he is saying and the ACTIONS he is doing and take the focus off this notion of how you want or wish things would be or could be.  He is NOT ready for any meaningful "connection" whether it be friends or more.  

Totally agree with SM and TQG.  
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1268057_tn?1379102055
BTW:  You ever wonder why he has been divorced twice?  
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Avatar_f_tn
I know why he has been divorced, well to the best that I know. One woman told me that he cheated ( yeap, total "L") on his first wife, then on the second one I knew her and she was always going off on him and others. Now, the question is Why? He does seem to be a womanizer, so maybe he could not change and that was the real issue in the marriage. In some ways he seems deeper and then their other ways he just seems like a kid that does not want to grow up. He has money and I guess he thought that would bring him happiness?
I keep asking myself, " why do I like him"? I can handle him as a friend only because I have friends that do a lot of crazy things but I still enjoy them. I so agree with what you posted, and I also am understanding more what two of his collagess have warned me about him. One told me he is a prick, and told me that she thought he was hard to live with.
Ok, so marring him is out of the question, we will all agree with that. But I still enjoy him as a person. he is just like all the other guys I ever feel for- this is sad and why I stay single!! LOL  
Something about him makes me come alive, I think that is what I don't want to lose. I started working out more and feeling better about myself. Maybe one day I will look great again and feel more like going out with other guys.  
My close friends are right, I am too good for him.
I feel so dumb not to have figured him out sooner.
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Avatar_f_tn
I would stay away from anyone who I knew to be a womanizer, no matter His "excuse".
  
Don't feel "dumb" because You felt attracted - as I'm sure He has attractive qualities - ("womanizers usually do, and they know it!! - hence, much of the problem!!)

"dumb" would only apply if, knowing what You know, You decided to become involved and get serious with this Him anyway, when You know Him to be a risk.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you, that was nice.

I woke this morning to realizing that I think he only has mostly superficial friends. I am not saying that I could be more of a friend to him, just I was thinking about all the other guys that I was attracted to that were just like him. When I thought about what they all have in common, they were highly successful men but very lonely too, and turned to drinking and parting to fill the void. I do not want to get involved with someone that has a need to drink. When I saw his FB and he posted what he likes to drink, that to me is a sign of someone with issues. I still like him, but it will be on a friend level for me always.
I guess it's time for me to find a good medium to find new friends and potential life mate.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
Sweetie, you are obsessed with him and you are worrying me.  You analize his every move, his life and are thinking about him way way too much.  I know it is hard but you need to find somewhere else to place your thoughts.  This is a bad idea and sometimes you admit that but you still don't seem to be in control of yourself.  This is something to work on.  Strong crushes are not love.  And I've been there before with someone that wasn't a good pick for me.  I pushed it away and guess what---  next man I met turned out to be my future husband whom I've now been with for 16 years.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I like what You said here.

You realize You have attracted to the same personality:

"all the other guys that I was attracted were just like him".

This is a real clue that You need to understand what it is about YOU that causes You to attract to that type of Man - so that You don't keep making that choice.  Love IS a choice and We need to make good choices.

Sounds Like You Are On The Right Track!!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh, yes,  tink is right.  Sorry I missed that.  You ARE trying to work past him.  Good!!  I think you will be much happier in the long run.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you both,

I recall when one of his workers pointed out to me whom I told what I felt about him some years back, she said " he is a prick" I told her, I always fall for that type. She said, " you know, you really need to take a look at that". I love her for pointing that out., as I never forgot that.  I just did not see him for who he was till now. As I said, I will enjoy him as a friend but I am ready to move forward now. He put a spark in me that needed to be lit as many years ago I went through some trauma that made me close down, that was why I had to learn so much about him. I had to understand  so many "why's'' .  
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973741_tn?1342346373
Is the same guy you write of as a player zoe?  It seems for a long time now he was actually not a great match for you and you were going to end it.  

If it isn't the same person, I would consider a pattern you have of finding unavailable men.  

good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes, same A-H guy.
The pattern is not about unavailable men, only that I find the charmers that I had not realized were actually players. I guess some of us are slow learners. He did not care that he hurt me, he only cared about the money I was paying him for my dogs care. Others that had used him as a vet told me he is charming, but it took them awhile too to see who and what he is really about.
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973741_tn?1342346373
well, back in January, 9 months ago, you had an inkling that he wasn't the right guy but didn't act on it.  

I just think the best thing in these situations is to understand where WE ourselves made a wrong choice and not acting on what you said here and breaking it off means that you enjoyed what you got from it a good deal.  

That he didn't want more doesn't necessarily make him a player.  
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