not sure what boyfriend wants

[what2do2006]

Hey all Im really confused. I'm 19 and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is 24. We love each other so much. He is such a sweet guy. We have lived together the past 2 years. Well here lately we have been trying to have a baby. We planned to get married later. Well Ive started wondering why are we doing it all backwards? Well when I said somthing to him about it he said "marriage is a huge step", then I said that Having a baby was one as well. I asked him if wed at least be married by the time our baby was 1 and he said he didnt know. That pretty much caught me off gaurd. So I asked him not to be mad at me but Id like to wait until we were both ready for the same things and wait for us to be married first, he got so mad!! Im so confused he wants a baby so bad so do I but I just want things to go the right way. I really dont know whats going on. I feel like Im good enough to be the mother of his baby but not good enough to be his wife. We had an aguement over it last night and I went to the bathroom and cried. When I came out I went and got in bed with him and told him I was sorry and that Id have his baby married or not and it was dropped.. we went to bed. This morning he got up to go to work and was just as sweet as ever but im so hurt still. Even if he was to propose now I dont think I would because Id be afreid he was just doing it for us to have a baby and so I wouldnt feel so bad... like I forced him into it and thats the last thing on earth Id want to do. Dont get me wrong I know he loves me anyone can see that. Im just so confused and hurt right now can any1 give any advise?

[siren of the sea]

My take on this is he is ready for a baby, since your are the one to care for it. But marriage is a binding contract that isnt something he is ready for. I agree to wait, you are only 19. Are you in school? Do you have an idea of what you want out of life? I would put both on hold at this point, he doesnt sound ready. If he has to ties to you such as marriage, then dont think a baby will keep him around either.

[sdp4314]

I agree with Siren 100%.  Marriage is a big step and so is having a baby.  You are still so young and deserve the whole package.

[what2do2006]

We both got our Geds together. He is so confusing to me because hes looking for a small house for us to buy - to put in both our names. I mean I dont think he is going anywhere but it is making me think of starting some kind of a school so I will have a career to look in to in case anything ever happens to us... Im just so hurt right now. I dont know whats up. Thank u so much for your resonse.

[jojo24]

Do not depend on him for anything!  Go to college and get your education so you can be independent with or without him.  Based on your last comment that is what you need to do.  If you have a baby and don't have a stable career and he leaves you, you are going to be screwed.  Do what you feel is right.  If you think you should be married first, then don't set aside your feelings to please him, because you may end up regretting it or resenting him for it.  I got my GED too, and I almost had a baby with someone who I loved very much, but I didn't and I'm glad I didn't because he did not want to marry me and I cannot even fathom having a child now (not that I don't want one because I want one so bad), because it is so hard now.  I have been in college since I was 20 (I'm 24 now)and I work 2 jobs and go to school full time, but I know that it will pay off.  Get your education while you are still young and able and before you have a child because it will be so difficult to go back to school if you ever want to and you have a child.  Plus I think everyone needs to have the "college experience."  You learn so much about life and it really helps you grow as a person.  I'm sorry to preach, but I stress to people how important it is to have an education.  You have to think about how it will benefit you in the future.  And there is nothing quite like having a career of your own and making your own money and knowing that you can support yourself (and your offspring) if you have to.  I have told myself that I don't want to struggle when I have a family.  I would like to be financially stable and that's where I'm working to get right now.  I may be 30 when I have a baby but at least I would be able to give it a good life.

[udontknowme]

I agree with siren also, I think you should wait. You have so much time to get married and have babies. If he isn't ready for the commitment of marriage I don't think he will be ready for changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night with a crying baby, etc... Having a baby is a HUGE responsibility!!!

[anxiousmomtobe?]

He wants a partial committment, one he can define.  You should be with someone who wants the same things.  You will regret it if you have a baby with him.  I don't think he will be around all that long.

I agree with above posters, you are so young, I am old enough to be your mama and I still feel like a kid.  Find your passion, get an education, decide who YOU want to be.

And you will meet someone wonderful to build a life with....maybe it's this guy, but I have my doubts.

Don't sell yourself short.

[Liza55]

If he loves you like you think ('anyone can see that') that my God he can support something as big as waiting for a baby. I can promise you that a baby adds a ton of work and stress to a relationship, so it should be quite solid before you take on such responsiblities. It almost sounds as though you don't want him mad at you to the point where you'd have a baby to keep him happy? Not healthy. Plus I know it sounds cliche', but I promise that between 19 and 30 soooo much will change for you- what you value, what you want to do with your life, what you look for in a mate and future father,etc. Wait, wait, wait.

[happybaby23]

You know that you want to be married first and have a baby second.  Don't settle for anything less than what you want.

You have you're whole life ahead of you.  I agree that you should get an education and better yourself.  Be in a position where you don't need to depend on him or any man.  

I hate to say it, but if your boyfriend isn't supportive of the decisions you want to make in your life then you may want to rethink your relationship with him.  I'm not saying this is the case, but you are too you to be tied down to someone who doesn't have the same goals as you.

[pixijal]

Personally, I wouldn't consider marriage or a child with him.  I COMMEND you for recognizing that he should want marriage if he wants to make a baby.  Please don't go back on that.  You absolutely shouldn't have to do this backwards.  Live your life and love your life, you are only 19 years old...come on.  I understand you are a grown adult that can make her own choices, but you'll realize when your older that sometimes things are much fuzzier at 19 as to what the right choices are.  

So far, you are in a good situation, and you shouldn't rush.  Believe me, during pregnancy and child rearing, you'll strongly desire a commitment with your spouse.  There is a level of commitment that marriage does provide.  You have a good head on your shoulders, and don't go through with this.  

You only deserve the BEST, and you have a huge future in your hands that you have complete control over at 19 with no strings or hardships attached.  That is a lot more than some of our women on here who have worked SO HARD to have what they currently do....they are very strong....but, why do it the HARD way when you can do it the smart way?

[MICHAUN3000]

i just went the same situation but a little more complicated.  I got pregnant by my now ex-boyfriend after only 3 months of being together.  I had stressed to him how i wanted to be married before i had another child.  and on top of that what he does for a living is illegal.  I have 2 children from a previous relationship.  He doesn't have any.  He is and was very upset by my decision to terminate my pregnancy.  But not only did i have to do what was best for my unborn but I had to do what was best for me.  although i am very hurt over our breakup i feel like i made the right decision.  JESUS died for my sins past present and future.  But don't complicate your situation the way that I did.