on long distant relationship

I am currently dating a wonderful girl who is just as madly in love with me as i am with her.  our situation is very complicated and I will try and explain my situation as best i can. she is 18 and i am 22.  She attend school over 200 miles away.  she is in a sorority, a freshman ambassador, in her first semester of school, and of course has classes she attends. i on the other hand am almost done with school and don't really have a busy schedule by any means.  she makes it home about every other weekend and I usually get to spend half of the time she is home with her. on saturday we usually either tailgate and attend the football game at my college or do something a little more personal with our night like dinner and a movie or just spending time with the two of us just catching up and remembering why we love each other so so much. on sunday we attend church(just the two of us).  my issue is that although i understand she has many other obligation i feel like i am put on the back burner in her life and not appreciated.  some days we text alot and i feel important and other days we don't talk all that much or at all but i see her tweeting or facebooking with others.  we have been dating for over a year and at first she was never this busy and i was given alot of attention but she has gained a much much larger workload.  this is the start of a relationship i hope to be very promising and has the potential because we both want it. i just want some help in pin pointing things i can work on in regards to how i react to her busy schedule and what i can do to try and regain that attention. She hasn't changed the way she feels for me she has just changed the way she shows it because she is constantly busy and when she finally has time she either is so stressed out that all i can really tell her is to get some rest and try and forget about her day. she does tell me she loves me and how much she miises me and looks forward to seeing me.  i just struggle because i dont know how to handle the lack of communication.
i am looking forward to yals feedback thank you!        

[Life360]

Hi and welcome. You start by saying there is a lot of love between you both and then you say she is putting you on the back burner. I don know if all people are like me, but when i love a person, my knees were weak with thoughts of her. She is very young and needs friends and a social life as she is still developing her place in society. They say a persons brain is not fully developed till around 24 so she has some growing to do. I personally think your doing all you can to get her to love you as stronly as you love her, and if you push her it might make her drift further away from you. Usually 18 year olds have more in common other with 18 year olds. For some reason it is like that at this age. I had the same experience at your age and it did not end up well for me with her but looking back, she really was not the one for me anyway.

[RockRose]

willy,  she HAS changed the way she feels about you and that's why she's changed the way she's showing it.  When one member of a couple goes off to freshman year out of town for college,  the relationship usually doesn't last past that first semester.  

This is painful,  but this is life.  She hasn't been forced into this new workload and priorities - she's willingly accepted it.  The classes she has to take - all the other stuff - the sorority,  and her time consuming position in the sorority - is all her choice of how she wants to spend her time and energy.

I wish you the best - but this is probably not going to last.  She's just very barely begun a 4 year adventure that she's embracing with full force,  and you're 200 miles away.

[Londres70]

"I am currently dating a wonderful girl who is just as madly in love with me as i am with her.".........Well, I don't know about you, but if someone is "madly" in love with me he isn't going to put me on the "back burner."  

Given her age and your age+distance+freshman in college+ "she makes it home about every other weekend and I usually get to spend half of the time she is home with her" = this relationship probably isn't going to last.  This is not unusual for this age group and is pretty much the norm.  

Wish I had a more optimistic opinion for you, but I have been there and done that.  

[willy225]

well if i wanted to try and make it work.  what should i do

[Londres70]

Well.....does she know how you feel at all?  

[willy225]

she text and calls as much as she can.  thats what im trying to figure out.  obviously im being hard headed in some aspects of my relationship but it could be possible that she is just that busy.  she does take time out of her day to call me and skype me.  she does do cute things for me and she does still love me.  my question was not how will my relationship turn out.  my question was how to i deal with her busy scheldule and how do i still find time to develop our relationship as she is building her own with herself?

[willy225]

how i feel about being put on the backburner? No. i am trying to pick my battles and the way i approach situations with her so that i do them with thought and actual meaning and not out of anger and or reaction. that would be why i posted this.

[thatquietgirl]

If you want to make it work, you need to sit and talk with her about how you're feeling.  Tell her you understand her busy schedule but would like to set a day or two (and specific times) a week when you two can just talk on the phone or via Skype uninterrupted (or whatever number of times you think is reasonable).  Because you have to realize she can't spend every moment texting you.  It's not healthy to be that reliant on a person, and she needs other friends to figure her own self out just as you do.  What matters is that she loves you and spends time with you when she has it.  If she's not willing to come to a compromise on how to work this out, it won't last, but you do need to understand that she will be busy from here on out.  Unless she hates the sorority after a semester, it's unlikely her duties and such will change.

[willy225]

im trying to figure out how to tell her!

[willy225]

thank you!  

[Londres70]

It is as simple as figuring out a schedule that is doable for you and her.  Just tell her that you would like to chat with her more when she is away and that you just don't feel like that is happening now and she what she says.

Please keep in mind there are only so many hours in a day and she needs to have time for other things, i.e. school work, other friends, etc.  

[willy225]

thank you for understanding my want to make my relationship work, instead of being negative.  although it may seem to me like i am being put on the back burner she may be doing it unintentionally and not realizing the damage it causes. also you mentioned not always texting each other.  i know it depends upon the relationship but what do u think would be an appropriate amount of space to start off with?

[willy225]

thank you!

[Londres70]

I don't think some of the comments were meant to be negative or mean to you in any sense as most of us are much older than you and we have seen and know trends to certain situations, not to say yours will not work out as I can't predict the future to the exact.  

Plus, I was in this situation years ago myself and I surely don't want to see you setting yourself up for heartbreak and hurt and I have a son who has gone through the same situation you are in too.    

[willy225]

well unfortunately i have either set my self up for heartbreak since we have been together for over a year or i have set myself for a tough relationship atleast a tough relationship for right now.  which it is very tough right now and i'm trying to figure out how to make it much easier on myself

[Londres70]

Well....just talk to her and set up specific times and days that are good to chat that you both can work with.  

Can't you drive to see her?  It is quite a distance though.  Perhaps on the weekends she isn't home you can drive to see her.  I am just throwing ideas out....not sure if they are doable though.  

[willy225]

if the lack of constant attention is expected in a LDR how do i know when to get mad or upset with the lack of communication

[Londres70]

Are you in school at this time?  Do you have other friends or activities?  

BTW:  Constant attention should NEVER be expected in a relationship regardless of whether it's long distance or not as that is not healthy.  

Secondly, a lack of communication in a relationship should make you concerned but not "mad or upset."  I wouldn't recommend anyone getting mad or upset but to work on the communication issues by just opening up and talking to the person you are having the issues with.  It doesn't have to be some scripted chat, but it shouldn't be any anger-fueled nastiness being vented at someone.  

[Londres70]

Just talk with your gf and see what happens.  Either she will agree or not.  

All the best.

[Life360]

Just tell her how you feel and get it off you chest. Its all you can do to see what her plans are. Tell her the whole truth about how you feel and ask her how she sees the future for both of you. You will know where you stand by her answers. After you tell her your conserns and want to know how all this will end up, come back here and tell us and we will help to give you our feed back. Dont drive your self crazy with all these unknowns.Tell her now, not tomm but now.

[TTinKKerBBell]

It sounds to me like She IS being attentive but She has an active schedule 200 miles away and when She does come home She probably wants/needs to spend time with Family as well.  You are in Love, You want more time with Her than She has to give BUT She IS giving You time and professes to be in Love with You.

You say You are almost through with school and You don't have as busy a schedule as She, so why not move closer to where She attends school?  Keep in mind, She would still have the busy schedule but perhaps if You lived closer You could be together more often.
Good Luck

[willy225]

she has initiation tonight and will be home tomorrow.  i will see her and i do plan on talking to her i just wanted to make sure i wasnt being unreasonable which it sounds like i have.  i dont mind being wrong.  but on the other hand if i can prevent something like handling this situation wrong with her i will and yal have been very helpful

[Life360]

Your not being unreasonable, you have the right to know where you stand. You have feelings and have put your lifes time into this. This is time from your life and only belongs to you. Things will be ok either way.

[willy225]

i cut it off this afternoon

[RockRose]

willy,  you are a wise,  wise man for your years.  Not many young men have the stones to leave while they're in love -

You did the right thing.  And who knows - maybe after some amount of time you both may decide to get back together - but there's nothing attractive about a lover who is clinging when the relationship is waning.

You're smart,  and brave,  and spared yourself worse agony.   We all know how painful this is -

Best wishes.

[Londres70]

Agree with RR.

So sorry.  

[willy225]

thank you.  im still not ok with my decision, but i do hope when she grows older maybe there will still be something there.  and that we have built a foundation for us and our future. hopefully a future together  

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Coming in on the tail end of this and see that my peeps have been very helpful.  This is a special time in her life.  She's just starting something that will help set up the direction of her life.  She is a go getter and embracing her college experience.  

I'm sure it hurts.  Part of what happened with the two of you is timing.  If you'd met 6 years of more from now, things may have been different.

And I think sometimes if we had a great thing going with someone, they let us sort out our life on our own---  we come to the realization that we gave up something pretty awesome.  She may realize that at some point. Give her space and live your own life in the mean time.  

good luck and peace

[willy225]

thank you.  and i agree completely about the timing.  im just not one to hurt people and or loose people that im close to.  i have very deep friendships and i love working on them and making them better and i viewed her as my best friend for the past year and a half and it's just hard for me to stop protecting my friend/the person i love.  im just scared for the two of us because idk how i will hold up and idk if my actions will not let me be able to open my heart back up.  although i know we are both young and may think it is love but im sure i was in love i never doubted that feeling and i know i still am in love thats why i hurt. with time i know i will get better but im just honestly not ready to leave a relationship like this. in our relationship we fell back on each other when we where down and i dont want to loose it. nor do i feel like anyone else can truly replace that roll in my life

[willy225]

she said that she wants to try and make it work and that she will try and be better at giving me more attention.

she also said that she is busy all week and can't really give me attention and even her friends attnetion at that.  so when the weekend come she wants to hang out with her new friends.

I'm stuck.  i love her and want to take her back, but i think that it will only drag out.  im scared more than anything of loosing her.  but where im stuck at is that we are in a long distance relationship so should i expect for her to want to spend time with both me and her friends and that maybe by being upset with her when she gets the free time to chose them over me is wrong because i have to share her?

i know i said i broke it off, but my heart is telling me to take her back.  

what do i do

[nursegirl6572]

You said you're afraid to lose her, yet you broke up with her...did you not view that as final?  Was that some kind of a ploy to make her work harder?

Honestly, these set ups are rarely successful.  It is hard enough to maintain a relationship when the people that are in the same place.  Like SM said, this is an exciting time in her life, with new experiences, new people, and she IS indeed BUSY.  I think, if this has any chance of working, you're going to have to keep your expectations very low on what you're going to get from her.  If that's NOT okay with you (and IMO, it probably shouldn't be)...then you need to both move on.  Moving on means saying goodbye, grieving over the relationship and starting over.  It doesn't mean pining away for her, that somehow, some day...things will work out for you two.

Tough decision either way...you have to think with your HEAD, and not just your heart, your heart will tell you to stay every time.

[Life360]

The only thing you will be taking back is the unknown. She seems to want the best of both worlds, her friends and you. I think there is some ego involved with her (not that its bad) she is torn in giving attention to people? What does she have that everyone wants?

[Londres70]

I just don't think this is meant to be at this time.  There is too much going on with her and really can't see how any huge difference can be made with the amount of time she can devote to you as she is trying to establish her new college life.  

If you do go back to her you will have to accept she probably still is not going to have loads of time for you.  Plus, I think it is healthy for her to have other friends and activities and not spend all here free time with one person given the fact she is ONLY 18.  

BTW:  Are you still in school or working?  Just seems you are sinking all your time into this and not focusing on yourself, your life goals, etc.  

I am sure you were just as busy your freshman year in college so you should try to understand her predicament and not put too much pressure on her about this.  

After reading all your posts I just think this timing/schedule issue is a deal breaker for you.  I just don't see BIG change and everything going back to status quo and you being disappointed and upset.    

Think about this THOROUGHLY before entering back in.  

[willy225]

i'm not quite sure what her friends see in her(not saying she is a bad person).  but when we dated when she lived here she was an absolute sweetheart and was almost like addicted to me we hung out all the time and we had a great relationship.  so thats what i got used to.  no that she is gone we barely talk and she is constantly busy

[nursegirl6572]

i'm not quite sure what her friends see in her(not saying she is a bad person).

HUH?

Maybe the same thing (being a complete sweetheart) that YOU saw in her?


but when we dated when she lived here she was an absolute sweetheart and was almost like addicted to me we hung out all the time and we had a great relationship.  so thats what i got used to.  no that she is gone we barely talk and she is constantly busy .

The above is the problem.  Those days are gone.  Situations change, people change.  You should be happy for her that she isn't depending on you and being so clingy, that was unhealthy for her.

You both want and need different things at this time in your lives.  I say let her go.  You're trying to hold onto part of her that is gone...and gone for good reasons, btw, she is growing as a person.  Let her do that.

[Londres70]

Agree with NG.

The more I read your posts, the more I am beginning to be believe you want this girl to be focused on you and ONLY you and a "clingy" guy in my opinion isn't attractive by any means especially if a girl such as your (ex) gf is trying to establish a life for herself.  It is NOT like she is off somewhere doing nothing but partying and having fun 24/7 without you; she's in college for heaven's sakes and she wants to establish new relationships.......sounds pretty healthy and normal to me and you should probably be doing the same thing.  

"i'm not quite sure what her friends see in her(not saying she is a bad person).  but when we dated when she lived here she was an absolute sweetheart and was almost like addicted to me we hung out all the time and we had a great relationship.".......Not being harsh, but this comment sounds 100% immature.  I mean, what guy would say he didn't see why anyone would like his gf?  Then, the other part of your statement is very concerning.......do you really WANT someone to be addicted to you?  An "addiction" to anything or anyone is in no way, shape or form healthy.

I really, really, really, suggest you let this one go and focus on establishing your own life apart from hers and work on your inner issues and maturity.  You need to get busy with you own life and not make her or a gf a 24/7 forefront, pressing priority.  

May I ask have you ever had any other relationships before her?  If so, did this situation happen before?