phone numbers?

[ksanden]

i have been with my bf for 2 years. we have a 3 month old together and i also have a four year old with someone else. im curious to no what everyone thinks about other women being in your bfs life.
i feel that at work it is acceptable but to have other womens numbers on phones should not be accepted. i feel that i should be the only women. what does anyone else think about bfs being friends with other women. am i just crazy jelous or is this normal for a relationship. i dont no what to do. i told him i didnt like it and that if we are together in a relationship there shouldnt be anyone else and if i would be doing it, like having other men in my phone hed not accept it and be upset thinking there was someone else. so what gives him the right to do it to me.. any advice i dont no what to do.
ksanden

[laura1977]

I don't think she has issues because she looked at his cell phone.  Heck I look through my husbands cell phone, not because I believe there is another womans phone number on there, but to see if his work has called him for overtime.  
I personally believe that most people cannot be friends with opposite sex when they are married.  Seems to get ALOT of people in trouble.  Take for instance the other poster on here that stated that her husband and her weren't communicating and she found her best guy friend was more open and they kissed and messed around a little.  
The thing is I trust my husband and I know that he wouldn't go out and cheat on me, but he also knows that he doesn't have girls phone numbers on his cell phone.  He has no need for it.  He works somewhere where no one needs to contact him except for overtime.  I had a couple of guy friends before I got married, but we stopped contact because I didn't need that anymore.  
There are lots of men that do not have friends of the opposite sex that they hang out with.  To tell you the truth I can name more that don't then more that do.  Understand though that these guys are married and commited to their wives, and not just dating.  There is a little bit of a difference on that.  But you two have children together so he should commit to you or tell you that he can't.  You know though from the sounds of it you said he did errase the numbers off his cell.  If you can't trust him then maybe it is time to move on.  Trust is something that is earned.  

[peekawho]

You both have issues.  

[laura1977]

I'll say one thing regarding that you said at work it was okay.  Do you know that alot of affairs start with someone they work with.  So, I wouldn't say it is OK with women at work.  Think about it, that is where he spends alot of his time.  It's okay if it stays professional.

[mami1323]

Glad you were able to communicate openly with him and that he understood how you felt.  Sounds like he respects your feelings.  

[ksanden]

the reason i started to look at his phone is because he started to do it to me. i dont have anyone other then family and one friend on my phone. he thinks because i am a stay at home mom that i have so much time to go out and get someone else.i have 2 kids of my own and my step son. so he started checking my phone. so in return i started to do it to him, he seemed to be hinding something so i went on his phone and founded a number i had no clue on. he talks to me about everything on women and he had never mentioned this one to me. which made me upset. he called one of my cuz thinking that it was some guy and here is was my girl cuz and he blew up on me saying it was someone else so he called it and talked to them saying it was the wrong number. when he started doing it to me i started to do it in return but i dont call anyone up on his phone i ask him about it.

he erased all the gurls numbers he had on his phone and he agreed with me on how it is so it was nice to have him understand if i cant do it... why should he.
ksanden

[BearHitch]

Well, I think that there is a fine line between just someone who is an acquaintance / friend and someone they have an emotional connection between.  My DH is friends with people at work and at school, and I am fine with this.  However if he were to start confiding in these women, and really forging a bond with them, then it starts to really cross a dangerous line.  Also, just on a side note- I keep men and women in my phone sometimes just to screen calls.  If you were just going through his phone and noticed other women, don't jump to the conclusion that it is something more.  Just my thoughts...

[peekawho]

The more important issue is why are you checking his cell phone for new or strange #s?  I think that's a big warning sign by itself.  

If you think he's cheating, enough to violate his privacy by looking for #'s, your relationship is in serious trouble.  

[ksanden]

just wanted to say thank you for all of your help..
ksanden

[mami1323]

I agree with slow_healer, it is better to communicate openly.  We can't expect them to read our minds, we have to share our expectations and feelings in a relationship or else there is no hope for it.  Good luck ksanden, I hope it all works out for you and that your boyfriend will respect your feelings.

[slow_healer]

mami, why not try your suggestion? If jealousy and trust are issues here, let it come to a head so that it can be confronted. Enough double standards and beating around the bush!

ksanden, In my relationship both my boyfriend and I keep friends' numbers on our cell phones - male and female. Friends of the opposite sex from before the relationship are fair. Any new friends of the opposite sex we are sure to mention to each other, especially given our lifestyles. My job has me meeting other men regularly, and because of the evening/weekend style of my work, I often call my male coworkers from my cell. My boyfriend can handle it. I suppose the point it that neither of us wait to surprise each other with a new number. Normally we just let each other know ahead of time.

Why not try outlining some rules like that (esp since it's creating problems in your relationship)? Sometimes we assume these rules are commonsense, but that doesn't mean your partner is aware. Tell your partner that if he meets any new girls, you would like to meet them too BEFORE he starts building a friendship serious enough to be calling her. Same goes vica versa.

[ksanden]

i have thought about that but i thought if i did it iwould be in trouble by him he woould think that there was someone else and i dont want to really fight with him more about it. no what i mean. i shuold just do it so then he can see what he is doing to me who nos.
ksanden

[mami1323]

You can go either way on this.  Either you trust him 100% and try to let your past go or you can demand that he gets rid of the numbers to make you feel more comfortable.  Frankly, I feel you on this subject.  I hated seeing girls numbers on my fiance's phone, just as he hated seeing men's numbers on mine.  Even though they were innocent and platonic friends, I just didn't like it.  He has one female friend that at first bothered me but then I got to know her and she even invited us to her wedding and baby shower.  She is completely not interested in my man.  He also works as a personal trainer and has his client's numbers on his phone.  It's all about trust and understanding.  If it's an old number that's one thing but new numbers is another.  If you don't like it I would plug in some fake guys into my phone just to test it out and when he sees them I would say well you are doing it so than so can I.  Maybe if the tables were turned he will see where you are coming from.  I know that may sound like childish games but if he's not listening to you and taking into consideration how you feel than you have to do what you have to do.  I will probablly get bashed for this comment but oh well.

[ksanden]

we even have fights about this yes. because he thinks its not that big of a deal being he is a guy btu if it was the other way around it would be a big deal. im checking his phone alot finding someone new. where did he meet these girls. Unknown. ive talked to him about all of this. but nothing seems to work i dont understand.
ksanden

[chellybeans]

hrmm. Ben and I both have friends of male and female persuasion. the females he is friends with are people he has known since before he and i were together and the men i am friends with have been friends with me from before. i felt no need to terminate friendships unless someone crossed a line. thankfully that has not happened. he did have a firend flirt a bit, but he told her (in front of me) that he was not interested and found it to be very rude and disrespectful. they aren't friendly anymore. he doesn't hang out with them unless i am there and like wise for me and my guy friends. we actually usually hang out as a group anyways.

i think it all comes down to letting go of the past and not judging him by what others hav done in the past. it's not fair to either of you to be punished for the past. learn from it and move on. unless he has given you reason to be insecure. then i totally understand not trusting him.

best wishes :)

[bip]

I wouldnt like that either having my husband  having other girl phone number.   You are together with kids and he should be focusing you and the children.  I really wouldnt tolerate either you have very right to be upset.  How did he get the phone numbers? Where did he meet them?
Talking to girls @ work is one thing but phone numbers that is different.  

Let me know how everything is. You can email me to if you want to talk....

[sara......]

I suppose that both of your past experiences make you both have the trust issues, is this something that you guys actually have fights about, is it a really big issue in the relationship? Are you both constantly checking up / questioning eachother? Communication is the best tool in a relaionship, can you talk to him like how you have expressed yourself here to me?

[ksanden]

i think that it is my past experiences but i have always thought that a women being a mans friend ment always more then that.. same way my bf thinks he thinks and women being friends with men mean they are doing things. so if i get question for men shouldnt he be questioned about women? i dont no..
ksanden

[sara......]

I'm really sorry you have been cheated on. It's easy for me to say what I did when it hasn't happened to me. I relation to your question, thats a hard one as it would depend on the guy. I know I have seen on medhelp forums who are devestated because they have cheated and regret it, usually alcohol seems to be involved. But not all guys would, even if drunk and a woman is makin herself really avaliable. What does your gut instinct tell you about your boyfriend? Do you think you are worried about stuff like phone numbers because of any aspect of his behaviour or do you think it is your past experiences?

[ksanden]

i have thought about that myself (Trust) its so hard to have trust when you have been cheated on before. my bf hasnt cheated on me that i no of and i trust that but i just have a hard time when he has a past of cheating and so do i. women that live here in this area that im in, seem to be very easy. i feel i can trust him then i dont im so unsure about trust, but if a women is throwing herself at a guy what do yuo think would happen? i fear that.
thanks
ksanden

[sara......]

Hi, my boyfriend has lots of female friends phone numbers on his mobile and it does not bother me, for eg female wind surfing friends, I think if you are comfortable in yourself and relationship and self esteem is okay it should not be a major issue, just my opinion though!

[ksanden]

i am in the same thoughts as you. i feel that same way. thanks

[mayflowers]

Call me old fashioned  or whatever you want, but I don't think men who are in relationships should have other women's telephone numbers on their phone.  Now, I know that there are some cases where men & women can be friends, but from what I've experienced and seen in my life, that usually isn't the case.  One person will want more from the other person.  This is just my opinion though and I could be wrong in some of the cases.