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please help... is he cheating??
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please help... is he cheating??

need to know what u think...
my husband and i have been through alot we have been together for 11 years (with about a 8 month break), we went through some real hard times two years ago, we just didnt see eye to eye. just seemed to me that i cared alot more about our relationship and kids then he did. but anyway we worked it out got back together and ended up getting married last july.
i have a 4 1/2 year old, a 15 month old and i am about 6 1/2 months pregnant now. not so sure about the babys health and i have been going to alot of appts and specalists.  plus my son has had 4 surgeries, and is constantly back and forth to the doctors. i also work full time, i drop the kids off every morning, pick up the kids everyday after work, clean the house, make supper, bath the kids, and put them to bed.. while he does nothing!
so the point to this is i havnt really felt like having sex. i really dont feel attractive, i look like im 9 months preg because my body is producing to much aminoitc fluid and he does nothing to reasure me that he still cares about me.

my husband has been doing everything he can to stay away from me, every nite when he comes home from work he has somewhere he needs to go. usually he has to go mow, or he needs to go talk to his dad, or he wants to go fishing with the guys, or even to the races. i wasnt looking that much into it cuz he was taking our son with him most of the time, but now its like everyday. i honestly dont know the last time he was home all day or even most of the day.

about three weeks ago he started getting these weird txt messages from a phone number a couple states away (i love u baby)  and i didnt think much of this either. well one day i got annoyed with it and i told him to tell them to quit texting him and calling him. so his solution to the problem was to ask them for a picture. she replyed by sending him a picture of herself and thats when i started to worry. he still claimed it was nothing so one day i txt her with his phone and said listen i have a wife and three kids and i would appreciate it if u wouldnt txt or call me anymore, and she replys with but baby why, and i said i dont know who u are u must have the wrong number, and she says no this is my boyfriends number, but when i asked her what her boyfriends name was she says nevermind. she quit texting but later that nite she calls and my husband just kinda peeks at it and ignors it... wtf???

then last nite i had a massive migrane (migraine) so i went to bed right after i got my kids to bed.. i wake up at 1a.m. and my husband is not in bed so i go downstairs and find him in the computer room looking at porn titled asian *****. i asked him what the hell he was doing and he said he got stuck there and he wasnt doing anything! so i go to bed and he is not to far behind me and we say nothing to each other, no goodnite from him or anything.

so this morning i get up early and i look at the history on the computer and it shows that he has been looking at tons of pictures of naked women and one of the sites he was in was adult friend finder, for the area he works in.. i immediately woke him up and confornted him.. and the first thing he does is go in the computer room where i have the history and pictures pulled up and he deletes it.. then he says i did nothing wrong and if u dont quit accusing me than ur going to make me do it.

he says thats what happens when u get turned down everynite. :(  i dont even remember the last time he asked me for sex, let alone had sex.
is he right, did i do this to myself??

sorry this is so long, im just emotional!! i mean we just found out last week that the baby im carring could possibly be mentally retarded, and thats all i can think about but apparently hes thinking about other things still
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303824_tn?1294875001
You definitely have a right to be suspicious. Who wouldn't be with those type of text messages! I would suggest finding out who this girl is and where she is. You can try a reverse look up by typing in her phone number. Something is definitely not right there. Has he been out of town lately in order to meet someone from a different state? Or do you think he met this girl online? Either way, it isn't right.

I'm also leaning toward that maybe he is just as upset about the baby's medical issues as you are, only he is expressing it differently and acting out. Keep in mind that men don't think the same as we do and when it comes to crisis, they will most likely react way different than we would.

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303824_tn?1294875001
You definitely have a right to be suspicious. Who wouldn't be with those type of text messages! I would suggest finding out who this girl is and where she is. You can try a reverse look up by typing in her phone number. Something is definitely not right there. Has he been out of town lately in order to meet someone from a different state? Or do you think he met this girl online? Either way, it isn't right.

I'm also leaning toward that maybe he is just as upset about the baby's medical issues as you are, only he is expressing it differently and acting out. Keep in mind that men don't think the same as we do and when it comes to crisis, they will most likely react way different than we would.

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303824_tn?1294875001
And I'm sorry to hear your baby may have medical problems! I know that must be hard on the whole family! I'll keep you in my prayers...
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145992_tn?1341348674
I'm sorry about the baby's medical issues and your son's surgery.  It's even worse when you aren't getting the support you need from their father.  Here's my concern, he seems to be escaping and that could mean very well that he isn't being faithful.  I agree, the text messages are suspicious and I would also do a reverse phone look up to find out who she is.  I would also call her from his phone and have a conversation from her.  Non-confrontationally ask her who she is and from one woman to another, is she having a relationship with your husband.  Usually when you are nice, they won't feel threatened and will tell you what you want to know.  Either way, your husband's behavior is not appropriate.  Adult friend finder means he's looking and he's used the cliche line of "well if you're going to be accusing me I might as well do it".  Which most likely means he is doing it or will do it soon.  You need to confront the problems in this marriage head on.  Ask him if he would be willing to do some marital counseling.  Perhaps he can come clean about things there.  He's obviously resentful of the lack of sex in your marriage but I don't blame you for not wanting to sleep with him.  He doesn't sound like he's paying much attention to you, nor helping with his parental obligations.  
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1019167_tn?1315591948
I already feel so unattractive.. i cant stand the way i look and i no it bothers him!! i just dont know what i would do if he were cheating.

he dosnt have to go out of town for work, so the only thing i can think of is that maybe this text girl is a college student here from another state and maybe he meet her at work since he does work at huge production plant.

i understand men need to have sex, but i just dont get looking for it in other places and thinking its perfectly exceptable if their not getting enough at home.

the last thing he said to me before he left for work this morning was u need to just stay the **** out of my stuff and quit checking on me all the time!!  if i didnt feel i had a reason to i wouldnt do it!  

ive told him several times if he wasnt interested in me or if somthing happened and he decided he wanted to go his own way i would understand just as long as he told me, but i would never forgive him if he cheated!!

im going crazy, maybe i should just have myself commited!!
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1019167_tn?1315591948
O and as for calling her and talking i have tried. i even tried calling from my husbands phone right in front of him.

its rings once and then i goes to some sort of error code and says the number u are calling cannot be reached
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm very sorry about your possible issues with the baby you are carrying.  Remember that downs syndrome has a high rate of false positives.  A very high rate.  Hopefully everything will be fine.  If not, you sound like the kind of mother that will deal with it and love your child regardless.  You are definitely overwhelmed being already pregnant with baby number 3 while tending to a 15 month old and 4 year old.  That is a lot on your plate plus with working and all-------  Mama could use a break, I am sure.

I think something that happens when we are having the kids, taking care of them, looking after home and work, etc. etc etc.  We tend to forget our relationship.  That is actually pretty common and understandable.  But it can have grave consequences if left to continue.  Couples can wake up one day and feel like they are living with a stranger that they have no romantic connection to.  It is important to not let that happen.  Even if tired and overwhelmed, a spouse has to be a primary focus.  That doesn't mean having sex with them every time they ask.  But it means being on the same page, making time for one another, and being a couple over and above being parents.  I have to remind myself of this all of the time as I too can become consumed with the day to day life of kids, house, etc.  But couples that stay together and are happy in the end never lose sight of this goal.  To be connected to their spouse and a couple above everything else.  

It sounds like your husband showed signs of being overwhelmed with life prior to having baby number 3.  And now a new pregnancy and one that may have some issues may be making him act out as was said above.  He may be crumbling under the pressure.  Really.  Men can do that.  

I'd be highly upset and suspicious about the texts.  That was beyond odd and probably more than a coincidence.  I don't  know what happened.  I'd probably want to know but you have to decide if you want to.  She's clearly changed her number and if no new numbers are showing on your husbands phone-----  then the issue may be over.  The porn, well---------  that is not cheating.  The looking for singles where he works . . . not cheating yet and could lead to it.  But those may also pop up randomly and he might have just taken a look vs. actively seeking.  I am sure with all of this together you are uneasy.  

But he seems to indicate that he wants to stay.  So . . .  you need to get serious about working on this marriage.  Date night, better communication, sex when you feel like it, rekindling the connection.  That is how to save this marriage.  If he is a dirt bag and has been or plans to cheat---------  it will come out eventually.  Until then, work on a solid relationship between the two of you.  good luck
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145992_tn?1341348674
She must have changed her number after your texting.  You're not crazy, believe me, they tend to make you feel that way sometimes.  I know when I went through it with my fiance he made me feel like I was imagining things.  When I found out, all I could say was "I knew I wasn't crazy!"  It's harder when you're pregnant and have all these fluctuations in your hormones.  But I think your suspicions are dead on.  I usually like to go with my gut on these types of things.  And even if he wasn't cheating, his behavior is not copastetic (sp.?).  Do you have access to his phone records?  If you do, see if you see a number pop up all too often, and if she did change her number, you would be able to see it from the phone bill.  I'm sorry, I know this is tough, but you do need to relax and focus on your pregnancy.  As hard as it is.  I always believe that it will eventually come to the surface if he is doing something wrong.  So try to have patience and back off of him.  The more you are snooping in his face, the better at hiding it he will be.  So make him think that you have let it go but just keep it in the back of your mind and keep your eyes open.  I've been where you are at and it's not a happy place, I only wish for the best for you and your children.  
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1019167_tn?1315591948
thanks guys, and i will try to use all of your advice..

it is so hard to think there is a possibilty that he is doing somthing, i mean i can get over it but i dont want my children to have to live a split household, and have to stay one place one night and another the next!! i watched my sons heart break the first time my husband and i split and i dont want to do it again.

:( need to quit crying and toughen up, things happen for a reason!!
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145992_tn?1341348674
Infidelity doesn't have to always mean the end of a relationship.  Some couples use it as a wake up call and can rebuild there relationship.  I have done it and am still working through it with my fiance.  We are in counseling and we are learning to make our relationship stronger than ever.  We have a son together so it was worth it to at least try.
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1019167_tn?1315591948
i dont know how u work past it... i just think if i found out he was unfaithful there is no way i would ever be able to trust him again, nor would i ever feel like its me he wants.. id always be thinking he was with someone else everytime he went somewhere...

im glad u found a way to forgive, but i dont think i could
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145992_tn?1341348674
You know, when you are in that position you don't always do what you think you're going to do.  I said the same thing as you but then when I had him begging and pleading for another chance, it was hard for me not to make it work.  I have a good friend who also said the same as you and she's now working through it with her husband.  It's not easy at all but it can be done.  Trust is never the same but if both people are willing to work on the relationship, it can be a better relationship than it was before.  
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1019167_tn?1315591948
thanks for that i guess ur right i dont really know what i would do. i no i dont want it to be true
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1019167_tn?1315591948
i searched this txt girls phone number and it comes up as a land line in MO????

he swore to me the other night that he was doing nothing wrong..
i really want to believe him.  he is now on vacation for an entire week, and i said great now i wont have to pay the babysitter for an entire week, and his response was i didnt take vacation to bbsit, they can still go there and u can pick them up when u get off work!!!
WTF.  i hope he was just kidding because its going to get really ugly in our house if he things he dosnt have to do anything!!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  I think that it would be awesome if you could get a day off to spend with him.  He seems to be in his own world.  Is he going to be doing work around the house or anything that isn't just for him on those days??  Isn't it funny?  Women and men are so different.  We'd have like a gazillion things planned with the kids, things we needed to get done around the house, etc. as our whole vacation and they want to do things that revolved soley around them.  ugh.  I really think that communication is key and you need some dates.
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145992_tn?1341348674
specialmom you have me rolling here...yes, we are so different.  They think vacation is all about them and our vacation is all about family time.  Did you get a name when you did the reverse phone look up?  Perhaps it's a flirtation going on.  But I would talk to him about maybe you taking off a day and spending it with him and see what happens.  I think specialmom has it correct, you need to connect again.
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1019167_tn?1315591948
maybe your right... but ill have to talk to him about it, i just find it so strange that women and men are so different.. they would rather pay a babysitter to watch their kids when they are doing nothing then spend some time with their kids???

i thought maybe it was just him, like maybe he didnt want to spend time with them or me, but maybe it is all men. **** heads!!
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145992_tn?1341348674
Lol...my fiance comes home and he still will let my mom watch our son.  He goes to nap or takes a shower and assumes my mom wants to keep watching him.  When I'm home or I get home from work, her job is done and I take over my responsibilites.  I don't expect her to do my job but yet he doesn't care.  They are weird creatures.
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1019167_tn?1315591948
Well i guess i shouldnt expect so much out of the lazy lil ***** then!
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145992_tn?1341348674
Well you should though and he should behave as a partner.  Will he?  That's another story.  It's not excusable if he doesn't help, but just know you're not alone.  There are ways to communicate to him without him getting defensive and say you're nagging.  Plus, you have to learn to pick your battles.  
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1019167_tn?1315591948
why cant they just do as there told... lol??

he stayed home with the kids today :) apparently it made him feel bad when my son asked him why he is always gone!!
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