please suggest what to do

[bashoo]

iam a 22 yr old girl....i was in a steady relationship for almost 4 yrs during my engineering graduation period.....d guy ws very simple and innocent in d beginning and loved me a lot.....so did i....v wer a happy couple...though v had numerous fights b/w us....v alwys somehow managed 2 pull thru all d time....then things started changin as i got better grades than him....he used 2 stop talkin 2 me and frequently broke up wid me.....i used 2 b very sad...and used 2 keep on goin bac 2 him....cryin nd all cos i cud nt liv widout him....v wud patch up also and things will b fine fr a while.....bt again v wud brk up fr sum reason or di oder....1ce v had a long term brk up fr about 4 mnths.....he insulted me a gr8 deal ova fone...stopped talkin 2 me etc.....bt aftr 4 mnths came bac and v wer 2geder again....all my frnds askd me nt 2 go bac 2 him...but i wanted to...so i went...but aftr a few mnths...same probs surfaced...he wud brk all cntacts wid me if anythin went wrong wid him....and wud tel me dat he neva loved me.....it used 2 hurt me a lot bt i used 2 forgiv hm each tym thinkin he ws immatured and dat he ws in a bad circle of frnds who encouraged him in smokin grass etc........aftr our colg ended, aftr sum days he started avoidin me....stopped receivin my calls.....his frnd told me he ws goin 2 sum oder city fr his job and wsnt lukin fr commitment fr d tym being...bt he dint tell me dis face 2 face.....he just stopped communicating.....i got pissed by d fact dat he told his frnd  via email dat he wanted 2 end dis relnshp as colg ws ova.....then i blocked his mail accounts as i knew his password.....and also insulted him on public forum sayin dat he shud leave me alone as he dusnt deserve me....i also sent hm sum very insultin messages regardin his looks nd all.....actually i did all this cos i ws angry nt becos i dint love him...i felt betrayed dat aftr doin so mch fr him he turned out 2 b such......bt sumwhr i knw that he truly loved me....and i have no clue y he did sumthin lik dis 2 me.....he had also made a superb portrait of mine wch cn b dun by sum1 who loves u......i dunno wats wrng....now v r not in tuch and i miss him like anythin....i also want 2 applogise for all dat i have dun but iam scared of him ignoring me once again......actually in our relnshp i had my faults too...i ws too taxing at tyms....nagging and also suspecting....bt these wer becos i loved him a lot nd feared losing him.....i still love him....and b'liv he also does......pls sugest wat i shud do....as i dnt wana lose dis b'ful relationshp f mine.....i fear nt 2 b able 2 fall in love again....presently a guy has proposed me f marriage and i talk 2 him....my ex must be aware f it....but i still love him,....i dunno wat i shud b doin 2 end my confusion....iam slowly getin in2 severe depression it seems.....i sumtyms dnt feel lik talkin 2 anyone and switch my cell off.....my parents get anxious.....i dunno....i miss him badly...its been 5 mnths that v hav nt spoken 2 one another......should i tell him a sorry......becos he neva abused me.....neva said anythin 2 hurt me....also had wished me good luck fr future.....i had done those stupid things actually 2 save my face as he had broken up wid me many tyms before and i had gt insulted in front f mine and his frnds.....dis tym i wanted 2 hav d situation under my control and made d world c dat i broke up wid him and nt he.....pls suggest sumthin..............

[Judy246]

Hi, reading your post was difficult because of the "short hand", so we would appreciate if you would respond without all the shorthard...it's just easier to read thanks.

I think that you are codependent on someone who is not returning the same love. If he loved you he would have never broken up with you and it's time to learn copeing skills to deal with this dysfunctional relationship and start learn how to move forward with your life. You start by accept the reality of the situation that he wants out of the relationship, which mean he is just not "in" love with you and I understand how painful and hurtful this is for you since you have developed strong feelings for him.

It also serves no purpose to get into a relationship with someone who has already proposed marriage when you don't love him or know him at all. I think that's crazy to propose without knowing you. Here is what I suggest for you:

* Accept what you can not change. The relationship has always been dysfunctional
  and he shows signs that although he might care and love you, he is not "in" love
  with you, so accept this and begin the stages of healing a broken heart and
  move forward.
* A broken relatinship is a loss, like the death of a loved one where you have to take
  time to grieve and there is no time frame on how long you grieve, everyone grieves
  differently, BUT not let your emotions get to the point where they are dibilitating and
  not facilitative where you can function like a human being.
* Stop all communication with him. Even if it means changing your phone, putting away
  pictures until you are able to view them again in time. Informing all friends and
  relatives that the relationship is over and you will need their support and not bring
  him up in conversation or ask question either.
* Take quite time for just you. Get to know yourself again. Take time to just think
  and re-evaluate you status, new beginning, direction and new focus.
* Surround yourself with family, good friends, focus on your career. Start something
  new in your life, excersing, running, jogging, bike riding, go for your Ph.D., keep
  active, eat properly, go shopping, treat yourself to a spa, but take care of you.
* Counseling if necessary. If you don not have the copeing skills, then I recommend
  that you seek a counselor through the school or private to help you understand
  your emotions and help you develope the necessary copeing skills needed
  to confront every day life situations and struggles.  I wish you the best and yes,
  you can do this and when you least expect it, Mr. Wonderful will be right around
  the corner, just waiting to meet you. It will happen naturally, but in the mean time
  take care of the self.  Judy

[treazzure007]

4 years was a long time to be dating someone as young as you both were.  i feel you're a bit more ready and willing to be involved in a serious long term romance while he's not as mature.  he's not on that level which is the case w/ most young guys.  that's why he's back and forwards, in and out.  if he was a mature young man, you'd likely be the woman he'd want to settle down with, but that's not happening now.  you never know if it'll ever happen, that's why you have to move forward w/ your life as if it never will.  

the good news is, if you 2 ended it on a good note with wishing each other farewell, leave it at that b/c that's good.  if this love is meant to be, one day you'll cross paths and he may be a completely different man that you'll notice right away.  a mature man you could possibly strike up a new relationship or even romance with (i'v witnessed this happen w/ so many of the guys i knew from highschool and college.  they do grow up!)  
not to brag, but i have even had the guys who were, years ago, complete jocks w/ egos the size of the universe come looking for me when we were all grown up!  here they were looking for the girl they called lovey-dovey and lame (only to find i was engaged or married myself lol).  that's just the way these things work out it seems so good luck w/ your journey

[whala]

Yes - I have the same idea with the two above comments. For the time being you need to stop thinking about him even if you receive any positive signal. This kind of personality has "unreal self confidence". It takes time for them to grow up and if you leave such unmature person you don't lose anything. Of course it is very difficult for you since you have hurted emotions but once you find yourself independent, you will see that your peace, your self cofidence and your personality has improved so much. Try to love yourself more. Wear beautiful cloths, go for sport in nice weather, eat what you enjoy, pass your time with positive friends and who make you laugh, start your post graduation studies or try a new job...you will find that your world is so beautiful and is more worthy. After that you can judge yourself, you will see a lot of people meanwhile and you can see if there are matured guys around who can give real peace, understanding, love, joy and happiness. Don't close your eyes on the reality for the time being, if it is a true love, it will come back to you :-) don't try to protect yourself in a new relation, be in friends community but not have personal relations for a while :-)
Be positive and try to enjoy your youth, the time that you are so beautiful and attractive for any young man.

[bashoo]

thanks to judy,whala and treazzure007 for your kind words.......iam feeling a lot better trust me....i was at a loss for a while but now everything seems fine.....iam pursuing my MTech for the time being and i keep myself busy in my subjects......regards....