Hi, im new at this online stuff but feel like i have no one to turn to. I need to figure out what is wrong with me! I used to be very careful with sex, pretty much never having it unless i really loved a guy. i had 2 partners in my twenties (none before), and i really thought i was going to marry each of them. I am still with the second guy. he and i have been together for 5 years with no major problems, but something inside me changed when i turned thirty. i resented him all of a sudden for wasting my time and i began to cheat on him like crazy. with anyone who paid attention to me! i feel so ashamed. i don't know if i need the attention or if im just an awful person:(. the only other thing in my sexual history is that i was assaulted by someone close to my family when i was 23, and my family chose to believe their friend rather than me. i really don't think that is any excuse, especially since it was so many years ago.
One thing sticks out in my mund, you said you have been with this guy 5 years, and then you said you resented then for wasting your time, could it be because you really wanted to marry them and they hasve not asked you if so you have wasted your time, also 30 may be a turning point in your life and you resent this guy beacause you could be married and with a family, i really do not thinkl there is anything wrong with you maybe you hace a right to be resentful just guessin luck jo
jo, thank you for thinking there is nothing wrong with me and also just for answering! i realize i have to figure things out but there is much less anxiety when there is someone out there who listens, i DID want to marry my current boyfriend, but i no longer feel i deserve it, and somehow that makes me want it less and less each day. i appreciate your thoughts:)
I do believe you may be tired of your current relationship and are looking for more. However, I feel like the best thing for you to do is to end your current relationship. There is no point in continuing with him if you are going to be cheating. Apparently you aren't happy in the relationship and so just to get your head on straight you should take a break.
I'm sorry to hear that you were a victim of assult. I don't think that you are no longer in love with your b/fm because too much time is passing and he is not taking the relationship to a higher level and you are aware of it and are possibly lashing or acting out by being unfaithful. I think you should seek counseling to help you with past unresolved trauma(s) and get to the bottom of your problem with you b/f and why he has not at least givin you an engagement ring by now. You might also want to re-evaluate your relationship if you want to continue in a dead end going no where relationship or both seek a counselor to try to sort out the problems. Good luck, Judy
Turing 30 is a difficult time for a woman. You start thinking about the big picture, and what and where you thought you would be by now. Most of your friends and family members were probably married by this time. Now in days people get married a lot later in life. If you feel like you are at the point in you life, were you NEED a commitment then you need to communicate this to your b/friend.Why stay with someone who does not wont the same thing as you do. It could be just the opposite you may feel this is the time to have fun and meet new people. Your in your 30s you probably have a career that you have worked hard for, and not had the time for yourself. In any case you need to communicate what ever it may be, to your b/friend its is not fare to ether of you to be in a relationship that is full of infidelity
You need to do what makes you happy, if you are unhappy it will reflect on any relationship.
Forgive your self, every one makes mistakes remember you are only human and if he is not giving you what you need or wont then you need to make the decision to stay of leave. You didn't have a ring on your finger when this happened.You had not committed your self to him. I'm not saying that it wasn't a bad choice, but you were not married. It would be totally different if you took the vow of marriage. So take a leap of faith and do what makes you happy, you should always come first.You are the most important person in your life.
thank you everyone. i have a counseling appointment actually next week, to discuss this very issue, i am confused about my relationship, that's certain, but more so im afraid that "once a cheater always a cheater" might possibly be true -- i am scared that i've gone done a path that will never change no matter what guy i am with. thats why i don't want to use the assault or my boyfriend's procrastination as an excuse until i know im not "one of those girls."
i am so relieved to have found a place like this where i can freely discuss my concerns. last night was the first night in months i didn't cry on the way home, thank you to everyone.
"once a cheater always a cheater" is not true. People can change if they want to change. I'm not going to sit here and say that your boyfriend deserved it because he didn't marry you after 5 years because that's just a load of bull. Sorry no offense to anton42 because to me there is no excuse to do that. You are hurting another person regardless if he puts a ring on her finger or not. There is commitment there and trust and she broke it. I'm not trying to kick you when you are down, those aren't my intentions, I'm just trying to show you that there could've been other ways to deal with your unhappiness. This is something you will need to learn and can learn in therapy. If you weren't happy with him, you should've communicated it to him and if nothing changed after that, then you should've left prior to pursuing other men. Cheating to me is just a way of being selfish, you are getting to keep your boyfriend and getting to experience other men as well. Not exactly fair and I don't think you would appreciate your boyfriend doing that to you. You would hope that he would tell you if he was unhappy. But this is neither here nor there because you can't change what has happened. You don't have to be a cheater, you can learn from this experience. That's what we do, we live and we learn. If you know you don't want to be this way, then take the steps to change your behavior. Therapy would be the first step and then having some self control and being conscious (sp.?) of the consequences to your actions. I wish you the best but I do have hope that you can get yourself together and that you will become a better person because of this. Good luck.
mami1323, i appreciate ur honesty. its true i have been selfish. im not trying to defend myself, when say that i am not trying to have my cake and eat it too, part of the reason i haven't broken up with my boyfriend is because financially he can't stand on his own two feet, and not because he is a loser. this is because he takes care of his mother (who i adore, and part of the reason i love my bf so much is because he helps her. that is rare among American children to help parents. i am Asian where that is to be expected). his finances are another reason he doesn;t want to get married yet. i feel like i would be abandoning him if i broke up with him.
has anyone been in a similar situation?
Thank you for not getting defensive. So many people tell their stories and when people state their opinion they get upset. Your boyfriend sounds very sweet and very admirable. Is he aware of your indescretions? What is it exactly you need from him? You said you had resentment for him and weren't clear on why that was. You can't stay with someone only because you feel like they would be abandoned or because you feel guilty. You need to be with someone because you love them and can't see yourself without them. You are short changing him and yourself if you stay with him for these reasons. You don't need money to get married, you can go get a civil ceremony done at city hall. But I just don't believe your relationship is ready for marriage. There is too much going on here to work through. That would be like putting a band aid on a cut that needs stitches. Perhaps we can help with more details...if you want to share that is.
i have no reason to get defensive because i need the help! my boyfriend IS very sweet, kind. he is not aware of any cheating on my part, it would kill him if he found out.
i think the reason i resent him is because although he says wants a marraige/family with me, it has to be on his timeline. truthfully most things have to be on his timeline. its his way or the highway. where we go, what we eat, our plans for holidays. ok, so i get thrown a bone once in a while but to be honest if he says "where do you want to go for dinner on saturday" im usually indecisive and that gets hime upset, at some point in our relationship i stopped caring what we did on the weekends. i just gave in all the time, but not unhappily, just because it really didn't bother me. the things that I really really want from him are for him to quit smoking (no money for bills but money for cigarettes!!), for us to find a hobby together (i know thats so corny and lame!) and to get couples counseling, all of which he resists.
in the beginning of our relationship i could entice him to go on a trip or something if i paid for it, but now he doesn't want me to spend my money on frivolous things. he has no problem if i spend money on myself. but he won't let me take US out. i realize this is another admirably quality in him (because he doesn't want to take my money) but honestly i would rather invest my money in US than in the bills we pay together! relationships are so complicated and fragile, and i haven't made it any easier or stronger by cheating. if anything a part of me wants to break up with him because he deserves better:(
oh yeah. another thing i want from him -- more sex. not trying to be funny or cute. we have sex once a week like clockwork. again, ive always been more of a prude than a sex vixen, but i would love to have that physical connection with him more often. not a reason to cheat at all, since all of the men ive cheated on him with have given me only superficial sex. i want depth.
your last post put a different light on the situation you said your boyfriend had to have his way or the highway, i do not believe one should always have their way they should both make the decisions so take a break and think on these things then you may see more clearly luck jo
Ok, that's a little bit more to work with. I understand now why you are a little resentful, you feel a bit controlled and you feel a little trapped. Most men won't go to counseling unless there is a huge reason to. For example, my fiance and I had serious communication issues in our relationship. Constant arguing and I suggested couples counseling to work through our issues. He refused! It turned out he was having an affair and he would argue with me because it was his guilty conscience and also because it would give him an excuse or justify his behavior (like see, we're not getting along). After I caught him, he was the one who was asking me to go to counseling with him. I think your boyfriend would go if he felt that there were serious reasons to go. To him, he probably doesn't see the issues you do and perhaps doesn't realize how unhappy you are. If he knew to the extent of how your unhappiness has led to your cheating, then he would understand. Now I'm not saying to tell him but I feel like he's not understanding how bad it truly is for you. You need to take some initiative. If he asks you where you want to go, you need to tell him. Don't procrastinate, make a decision. Tell him, I want to go see this movie tonight and we can eat at the restaurant down the block. Take charge of the plans. As far as taking trips, well go ahead and purchase the trip and surprise him. Like for Valentine's day. You just have to come up with tools to work around things.
As far as the sex thing, well, it takes two. Again, you seem very submissive with your boyfriend. You allow him to take charge and make all the decisions. Is there a reason for that? Same with sex, initiate. If you want it more frequently, go after it. Keep the spark going. If he pushes you away or comes up with reasons why he doesn't want to then you have another issue. Of course, he needs to be more domineering with the sex as well, he can't just sit back and let you put all the fire into the sexual relationship. Again, its all about communication.
wow i never really thought this would help but you guys are opening my eyes up quite a bit. first off Mami1323, for somone who has been cheated on, you have been so kind and helpful to me. what a truly generous thing to do, give me advice. i would think you would have more negativity directed at a cheater like me:(
i never really thought about WHY he might not want counseling. and i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that maybe HE feels guilty for putting his family as a priority instead of us, and having to depend on me financially. maybe its even why he needs to be in the drivers seat all the time, to feel more like a man??? anyone have any input to my theory?
i AM usually submissive and to be honest i think that is why i am cheating: just to be a different person, a sexier version of myself, if i try to be sexy with my bf (i.e lingerie, even suggested porn), he resists...he has always been a creature of habit --same brand cereal, sneakers, shampoo, and sex forever. stability is good but i guess with my limited sexual experience i didn't really know what turned me on, , so i just went with it. the past few years each time i intitiated sex with my bf, he says is tired, (unless its is Sat night, lol, that is "our" sex night for the week)....he DOES wake early for work (345 am) but the rejection hurt. made me feel very unattractive,
when i get hit on (i think its because im Asian, guys are funny with wanting to try a "new flavor")that makes me feel attractive, boosts my ego, and now im always looking for a guy to hit on me.( im such a loser. ). i never used to encourage it. in fact i rarely make eye contact with men (another Asian thing lol). but now i am verrrry aware of the glances and body language of men and if they might be interested in me. at some point (really, it was on my 30th birthday 2 years ago) i started to flirt back. then it got to the point where i liked myself as this flirty, fun, sexy girl. the first time i cheated i was stunned and shocked at myself. then, after that, i started to look forward to meeting these guys, making them want me. so disgusting. so pathetic. i broke up with my boyfriend during one the affairs, because i thought i really wanted to be with the other guy, but my bf begged me to come back (he didn't know that there was another guy), and i came back becuz i loved him more for wanting me, and i felt more loved also. i know, i am worse than pond scum.
it sounds as if you are starving for attention my dear! After being with someone for so long, the sparks fly out the window. Relationships are work and BOTH parties are responsible for keeping it together. If he is a creature of habit, then he's in a comfort zone and is probably naive to all of these feelings of neglect. It's definitely time to take charge and hopefully he will take notice of the "new" you. Keep talking to him about how you feel and make sure he knows you are serious about the things you say. Communication is always key!
as for sex, there has got to be something that will turn his head and you may have to do/try a lot of different things to get him going again, but don't give up! Ask him if need be what turns him on.
The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" is NOT true. It can be if the person lets it, but it does not apply to everyone. You have got to stop that cycle and quit while you are ahead and find other ways to express your unhappiness. Your feelings of guilt are bringing out all these questions when normally they wouldn't even be an issue. I hope it all works out for you and I hope you will keep us posted!
thank you, imanaddict, It's half my job to keep my bf's attention and i have to really work on that. like i said before i am actually going to see a therepist next week and i hope she can help me with my communication skills and quite obviuously with my self-esteem.
i DO want to break that cycle. i don't want the "next guy" or the "next hook up" to be the only thing i look forward to, or the only thing that gets my spirits up. deep down i want to be the "good girl" i once was and i really think that wanting it is the first step.
I usually do, I guess I'm growing as a person as well :) I think I am more negative towards people who do it and don't have remorse or do it and don't want help. Like the women who post about having an affair with a married man and love him and hopes he leaves his wife for them. Those types of people seem to rub me the wrong way. To me, it seems you really don't like how you behave and want to change. Everyone makes mistakes in life and that's how we learn. You put yourself out there for people to judge and took criticism without becoming defensive and angry. That says a lot for a person. You aren't a bad person, you just got lost somewhere along the lines. imanaddict gave some good advice, your boyfriend is very conditioned to his likings and is comfortable in his ways. Try approaching him differently than you normally do and see how quickly he responds to you. I know that when my fiance and I are starting to fall back into our old comfortable ways I will snuggle up and kiss him and not expect him to pull me to him and hug me. I don't sit and tell him I want his affection, I go after it myself and he likes it. Before I used to internalize it and get resentful that he wasn't affectionate with me. Or I would complain about it and he would feel forced to having to do it. Now if I want a hug, I go get it. Of course my fiance has learned a lot to, he learned he should do these things for me as well. He should try reaching out to me more and showing me he cares more. But let's just take it slowly first. You can't change him, but you can change how you behave or react to him. You are like every normal human being...you want to feel wanted, loved and admired. These other men did that for you, they are basically your drug of choice. You live off the high you get from their attention, from them making you feel sexy and special, it's not about the sex. The sex is just more enjoyable because they boost your ego and that allows you to let go and become someone that your boyfriend doesn't bring out of you. You need to find that confidence within yourself and not rely on these other men, nor your boyfriend to make you feel like that. Know you are sexy and beautiful and use that to work on your relationship. That's if you want to stay in your relationship.
mami1323, we are all always growing and changing...this time i want to change for the better! its ironic to me that i make certain that each of the men ive cheated with do not have a girlfriend or wife..., i could never face the wife of a man ive slept with yet i look into my boyfriends eyes every day. very strange how within ourselves, our minds, hearts, desires, morals, decisions, etc all conflict with each other, no wonder relationships are so complicated.
im happy to hear that ur with someone who is learning to be part of a two-some with you! you have been so right about so many things. i am definitely internalizing my wants and needs instead of expressing them to my boyfriend. it is definitely not about the sex, but it is certainly addicitive. like you said my drug of choice --- i've fallen into a pit of lonliness and low self esteem if i don't "get some." a few years agowould never ever have thought this would be me. life takes us down a certain path but its up to us to turn around.
as for my relationship i don't know what i want, mostly because at this point i feel so so awful about my "transgressions" (sorry to use Tiger's words, but i might as well be him) that i can't tell if i just feel too guilty to leave him (he would be homeless if it wasn't for me) or if i really really love him. that is a whole seperate issue but thanks to all of you im at least sorting through the trash in my heart now.
We do all grow and learn. That's what life's about right? Relationships are hard no matter how great the person we are with is. Two people coming together for years at a time is never easy. Add to that, financial woes, losses and gains of jobs, children, personal growth...factor all that plus more and understand why it takes so much work to have a relationship last. You have to learn to handle the stress in your relationship in a different way. Some find it easier to turn to other people but as you grow, you will see that it only hurts you, not helps you. I think maybe the best thing for you and your boyfriend is to take a break. This way you don't feel the guilt and you can make some smarter choices. Work out a situation where possibly find somewhere to go or figure out how he can support himself and his mom.
As for me finding someone who works as a two, well it's the same man who had an affair. He cheated, we worked through it and now are working on being better people and a better couple. We have a son together so it's worth the fight. He has become a much better man and a better father and it's made me a better person because I was able to forgive him for what he did. The things he did were rotten but he's not a bad person. He's a little like you....made his mistakes....felt remorseful for what he did and wanted to change. It takes a big person to admit their wrong doings and a bigger person for getting help for themselves.
life is definitely about growing. adapting. there are so many variables that sometimes it amazes me how civillization has survived lol!
i do think my bf and i need a break. im not sure how ican fix a relationship if im not fixed yet myself!
good for you and your fiance, i wish you both so much joy. it gives me hope that maybe one day i can be like him and work through the mess ive made.
everyone have a great weekend:) wish me luck at the therapist on monday...
hope everyone has had a good weekend...im still learning this website and enjoying seeing other people's profiles. it puts a personality on these otherwise anonymous usernames, so i feel like im getting advice from people i could call friends|:)
i went to see a therepist on Monday. basically told her the same things as ive told you guys and i feel like the weight on my back might be one day lifted. a lot of what she said was similar to the advice i received from all of you....the only thing that ***** is that im second guessing my current relationship so much now. i was in a self-blame/self-hate frame of mind for the longest time, now im seeing that my horrible actions, though completely my fault, maybe wouldn't have choices i would have made if i was happy with my bf.
ive talked to him about couples counseling again and he is just getting fed up with my asking....
Glad that you are getting some help with your issues. I don't think people who cheat are happy but every person has their individual reasons for cheating. If your boyfriend is unwilling to work with you on the relationship than you need to continue to work on yourself. In that time, you may realize that he just isn't the right person for you. If that is the case, you will have the strength to leave him. Good luck.
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