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realizing

So I came to the realization with counseling and with talking to exs from the past and I asked them If I was clingy and smothering and pushy and all and how was I and how can I help it? I don't want to be this way, in fact I didn't realize it was THAT big of a deal until now really... I really want guys and girls advice women and men... what is a good enough amount of communication? What's too Much? Too little? How do I fix this?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, I don't really think there is any SET amount that is right or wrong.  The issue is the way it is handled most likely.  The best way to not be clingy is to be secure in yourself and be your own person. This means that you don't need ANYONE to enjoy yourself, you can do your own thing without having to have a boyfriend involved.  THAT is very sexy to a lot of men verses the other . . . needing constant reassurance.  Do you.  Worry about the guy and relationship less.  And until you are really confident, I'd not date for a while.  

I was very attracted to successful, ambitious men when dating.  But with that comes the knowledge and acceptance that my husband is busy and working hard.  It would be inappropriate for me to call to just talk for no reason during his work day.  I can call him if I need something or have a question and he calls me for the same.  We don't sit and talk though, we get the issue covered and get off the phone.  Same with email, same with texting.  I respect his schedule and how busy he is.  Sometimes when he is out of town, he is out to dinner with customers or has evening internal meetings to get ready for a presentation the next day.  I do usually talk to him once an evening in between these things or after right before bed.  But I don't ask for heavy communication at that point.  We just check in with one another.  Then when we want to or need to talk, we do it in the evenings after work or on weekends.  

does that make sense?  I respect who my husband is and his schedule and let that dictate our communication level during an average day.  HE respects me.  I have a touch of anxiety and one of my anxiety things is his travel (the travel itself).  he religiously calls our home when his plane arrives wherever he is and either gets me at home in person or leaves me a message.  He's never landed and not done that since we've been married except if it is in the middle of the night (when going to Asia).  My husband travels a lot so that is our routine.  If I'm home when he calls I say "awesome, glad you made it, call me later when you get a chance" as he is usually at the airport still.  

So, my point is, each relationship is different in terms of the right amount of communication.  But it will depend on both people in the relationship.  Your security level and having a full life on your own will really help make you less in 'need' of reassurance.  

don't know if that makes sense.  ??  
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes it does thank you for your advice. I guess there is no set rules or amount but yes I understand. I just want to fix this as I am already doing so, didn't know it was such a huge problem and I think it became wayyyy worse after being cheated on in the relationship before....
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973741_tn?1342346373
Yes, that can make us insecure.  So, work on strengthening your inner self and that will help.  It really does!
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Avatar_f_tn
Also I thought I was being loving and caring and worrying about them but obviously it was more then that and its not taken or seen the way that I am trying to come across... I guess I knew to a point I was this way but not nearly as bad as others thought or by the way I came across ...i didnt realize it was this bad until now really since i think this was one real reason why I was broken up eith and it ***** cause I wish I could fix this and get him back... since I fell like it was mostly my fault now...
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Avatar_f_tn
So.... update... I left him alone for a while 2 weeks... I finally called yesterday he actually picked up we spoke for 25 mins then texted for about an hour and a half just normal convo about life and what we both have been doing... I asked him if he wanted to hang out he said yes to hanging out today after 4:20pm yesterday I didn't hear from him (texted about 3 times within a 5 hr period) no response. Today since we were supposed to hang out I called 2 -3 times from 11am-530pm nothing and texted a few times. I don't get it cause on the phone he was fine actually sounded happy to speak to me.... I could have bet $100 he wasn't going to pick up and he did now he won't answer me at all again it just makes no sense. I'm trying very hard not to text often or call or be overbearing and the 2 weeks I was thinking worked since we spoke finally.... then this again... I'm so confused at this point I just want a friendship but this is confusing
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so confused and really need some advice on this one how do things seem okay one second then the person dissapears the next when u are sitting there thinking u are cool and hanging out then get ignored. I don't even think its intentional I just think this is how he is as a person.... idk
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480448_tn?1403547723
Well, sweetie, to be 100% honest with you, you don't seem to be learning any lessons from these situations.  The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  His past behavior said he wanted left alone, did not want a relationship, you continue to ignore that and try to manufacture something that's NOT there (and probably never was...you had a VERY brief relationship that was primarily texting....this reaction is not normal hon!)

You are going right back to where you were.  Sounds like this man was being friendly with you, probably didn't know how to come out and just say "no".  Hon, if he was interested, you would know it.  People who are GENUINELY interested MAKE it happen...he's avoiding you completely.  He would be reciprocating...but he's not.  

You have ONE phone conversation, after not speaking for a while...a convo YOU (again) intiated btw...and then YOU again pursued him, asking him if he wanted to "hang out".  You haven't heard a peep from him since, yet you continue to call/text him multiple times.  Sweetheart, you're getting to the point where you're making a fool of yourself.  I don't say that to be mean, but it's absolutely the truth.

My advice (which is the same)...LEAVE HIM ALONE, he's totally NOT interested in having any kind of relationship.  You NEED to get help and move on.  This kind of behavior is NOT healthy and is beginning to be a bit irrational.  This is TOTALLY one sided.

You keep asking for advice...and we keep giving it to you, and you just disregard it.  It doesn't matter that he's not TELLING you he's not interested...his actions are screaming it.

PLEASE be kinder to yourself and don't wait for tiny crumbs from a man who only responds in a positive way when you finally manage to get a hold of him.  Good luck to you.

(And please..DO seek out that therapy we've all recommended..you need to figure out why you're having problem with impulse control and moving on from a relationship that had NO foundation at all)
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480448_tn?1403547723
One more thing....

... I'm so confused at this point I just want a friendship but this is confusing .

NO, you HAVE to let him go...100% move on, no ideas in your mind about ANY potential relationship.  With your seeming obsession with this man who isn't even remotely reciprocating...you continuing to hold onto hope of ANY kind of relationship is only going to hold you back from getting over this.

Lastly, you HAVE to be careful.  The way you contact him, to the point of being relentless, would absolutely be considered harrassment, maybe even stalking.  This is just out of hand hon.
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Avatar_f_tn
Stalking really? And y would he even pick up and answer and talk for that amount of time? It just doesn't make sense to me. He didnt need to pick up at all. And he said it was nice talking it just males no sense. I don't wanna seem crazy and I don't think I am I just don't get it when he seemed interested in speaking and evem texted after. I think hr has the problem honestly but okay....he didn't have to answer to anything and there was a reason I waited for 2 weeks... I thought things were okay after the convo
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not trying to be "obsessed" and if he didn't care at all y would he pick up or respond at all and say he did wanna hang out? Makes no sense to me... idk maybe its just me but I wanted him in my life and I thought with space things would be better
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm not trying to be "obsessed" and if he didn't care at all y would he pick up or respond at all and say he did wanna hang out? Makes no sense to me... idk maybe its just me but I wanted him in my life and I thought with space things would be better
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Avatar_m_tn
ok, so skimming trough your post this is how i would call out your situation, have you ever seen the movie "he's just not that into you" if not watch it there is a character in that movie very similar to you, her names Gigi.

Honestly there is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you are, if you're a clingy person - that's who you are embrace it because there is someone for everyone, and someone will love you for being that way trust me.  1st rule of a sucessful relationhip - NEVER conform to a cliche'd standard, because if it's not you somewhere down the line the real you will always always surface.

Also, you are obsessed!  This is coming from a psychology buff - when you break down timeframes and numbers for your contact with him like you're in the FBI or CIA or something - that's how you know you are obsessed with this dude.  Texting him once without response should have been enough of a sign to tell you that 'he's just not that into you' - He's a guy, if he really wanted to talk to you HE WILL FIND A WAY to talk to you -NO EXCEPTIONS.

so bottomline is, i know he's giving you mixed signals, he really is - that means he's a player - stop obsessing over this guy and move on.  Furthermore, incase you don't listen to this advise and i'm strongly feeling you won't, if by some miracle he actually contacts you and you guys date - do not expect much from him, you will be greatly disappointed, trust me.

best of luck
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973741_tn?1342346373
I agree with the others.  I think you read too much into everything he does in order to convince yourself that he has some kind of feeling but it really doesn't seem like he does. Do yourself a favor and move on.  You don't want to set up a pattern in which you constantly think about a guy who doesn't do the same about you.  

I actually do agree with the idea that you are moving in the direction of stalking behavior.  "I left him alone for two weeks" and called him and "he actually picked up".  That isn't a good situation.  If you have to force yourself to leave someone alone and then break down and call, ugh.  He's not calling you.  He's not pursuing you---  at all.  He simply answered his phone.  

I have been stalked.  The person called over and over.  I eventually answered the phone because I was like WTF.  I was polite but it got really really old.  And this guy very well could be saying to his friends "what's up w this girl.  She keeps calling me."  And then they make fun of you.  NOT WORTH IT!  

Move on and focus on more productive things.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I guess I'm the crazy one here... although I honestly just think this is how he is he always said how he didn't get girls and I think it is true. And has so many insecurities for someone so hand so.e and has everything going for him. He suffers from anxiety, social anxiety, depression , severe stress and is so insecure. Idk if this has to do with his disappearing acts or if its just me on how I approach him or that he wants nothing to do with me either way its weird cause I don't ever ignore people and I'm nog used to being ignored I feel it so disrespectful but idk if he has some problem or it is all just me. And no I don't Want to be clingy and I tried hard to calm that down the old ms would have blown up his phone yea maybe it was still too much but not compared to how I was before so its a work in progress. Its confusing cause I didnt even think he would talk then he did and did seem happy to speak and now its like the cycle starting all over again.... I tell people the whole thing and they think its obviously both our faults but something is up w.him
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Avatar_f_tn
The reason why I left it alone was to give it some space as we had just broken up and handnt stopped talking... so I gave space to see if that could help in anyway in hopes to speak on a friend basis...
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Avatar_f_tn
He is pretty much a loner except when it comes to family (parents, cousin his cousins friends and brother) doesn't have any friends really. He even told me this. So I guess that explains it... Idk maybe that's a better understanding or maybe I'm still "crazy" who knows.
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973741_tn?1342346373
How are other things in your life going?  How's things with your friends, your hobbies, work, school?  Throw yourself into those things to distract you from him as that isn't going anywhere.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Other things are going pretty well, school, friends, fmaily ...and I try my best to distract myself I guess maybe I am looking for a "reason" or something since I have never been treated this way.... idk sorry I am brothering u all I don't mean to come across that way at all. I don't know why I am holding onto it. Maybe because he had everything I ever wanted in a man.... and I feel like its my fault I lost him....
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, a guy that has everything you want in a man is a guy that is really into you sweetie.  Sometimes it is hard to let go.  And our ego can get in the way.  But a match made in heaven doesn't involve one person wanting it much more than the other.  peace
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you u are right I just thought since I was home now there was potential for us... I guess there isn't. U can't make anyone do anything or change or realize.... it ***** but it is what it is... :( wish he could realize and see what he's doing or maybe he knows and doesn't care. I'll never know Iguess it just ***** feeling this hurt when I feel like there was something there and could be potential for it to be something great... maybe I'm.nuts I really don't know.... so confused
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480448_tn?1403547723
No one said you're crazy...but you do have an unhealthy obsession.  The only person who sees it the way you do is you, essentially.  You say you've improved, and you have a little maybe, but you're still not getting it.  Not even a little.

You HAVE to look at the FACTS and not all of your assumptions and deductions.  Fact is..a person who is interested in any kind of relationship will contribute in SOME way.  Fact is, you are having trouble letting go.  Fact is, YOU have been the one since before you "broke up" who has initiated and maintained ALL of the contact.  Fact is, you had a very brief relationship that involved MINIMAL in person contact and time spent together.  Just that alone makes your reaction inappropriate.  You said yourself you only "hung out" a few times.  And, I'm sorry, but I don't consider him answering your call as "effort" in any way, ESPECIALLY when he then totally blew you off after that, never followed up in any way to pursue the "plans" YOU made with him.  He probably either was caught off guard and answered accidentally (did you block your number perhaps?), or he was trying to get the guts to tell you to leave him be.

He sounds like he just doesn't have the guts to be tough with you and tell you enough is enough.  I kind of wish he would, because maybe you would finally get it and be able to accept that it's over...and the idea that you're going to turn this absentee guy into a "friend" is ludacris.  Who would WANT a friend like that anyway?  Why would you keep putting yourself in the position to get rejected and ignored?  You may not be "used to" that kind of behavior from people, and you may not treat people like that yourself, but he does...that's ALL he has done recently, and even for a good portion of your VERY brief relationship too.  You've posted about that as well, that only after a few weeks, he was asking for space, and then the contact became totally one sided.  He basically said a few things to you after you tried to become very serious very fast, which you ran with.  I'll be honest, I've read all of your posts on this, and I think from the beginning it's been one sided.

What I think is SO unhealthy is that you continue to pursue him despite absolutely NO evidence that this guy is interested in having any kind of relationship.  He's actually STRONGLY sending you the opposite message.  There is verbal communication and non-verbal communication (a person's actions or inactions)..BOTH are important to pay attention to.  His non-verbal communication is telling you loud and clear that it's time to move on...completely.

Seriously, this is not a healthy situation, it's definitely an obsession, and it's all one sided.  You're trying to grab onto any little thing and make sense of it to work in your favor...he's anxious, he's not real social, this is his personality....I don't care WHAT the reason would be....if it were me, I'd take the hint.  You don't want to make a fool of yourself dear.  NO person is worth that.  Like sm said, most likely, he's having discussions with his friends and family as to ways to "shake you".  That's not cool.  Have some pride in yourself.  It's becoming embarrassing for you.  That's not a good position to put yourself in...you're causing a lot of unnecessary stress and turmoil in your life.  If you had decided you needed to move on, and TRIED to do that, you would be just about over him by now.

And again, (and again)......PLEASE get yourself some help.  Your actions are not a normal reaction to the situation.  Unhealthy is putting it lightly.  Short of having a billboard telling you he's just NOT going to be a part of your life in any way, shape or form....I don't know what else will convince you.  You absolutely need to figure out why you're subjecting yourself to this, why you cannot control your actions (contacting him despite knowing it's going to be more of thre same), and why you have to be so "clingy" in a relationship.  You're so young, and could be doing all KINDS of fun things...things with your friends, hobbies, work, etc.  Don't waste your time on a man who doesn't even respect you enough as a person to return a call or a text.

Quit trying to figure this out or make sense of the senseless.  It's simple...he's NOT interested, which means you stop contacting him...totally.  Not for a few weeks, or a few months, but forever hon.
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