recovering from cheating

[questions01010]

How long do you guys think that it will take me to recover from having a boyf for 3 years who I was very much in love with then finding out that he had had another girlfriend the whole time who he lied to me about seeing most weekends and him instantly deciding that as she is more fun, better looking etc that he was going to choose her? Been 6 months so far and things still seem quite raw. For a variety of reasons, I have no one to tell.
Any ideas on likely timelines.  

[mami1323]

Oh for sure, it's not that easy to let go of the hurt and anger.  But the more you obsess over him and what he's doing and her and how happy she is, the harder it will be for you to move on.  But it will take time, I'm not expecting you to just get over it.  You will when you feel like you are ready to let go.  

Thank you, it wasn't easy and it's still a struggle but we both learned from it and our relationship is stronger than ever.  We worked hard on the recovery and we have our son to think about.  Can't be selfish anymore.  He learned that very quickly.  

[questions01010]

I agree, but easier said than done! I admire you greatly for staying with a man who holidayed without you - you are more forgiving that I would ever have been

[mami1323]

I feel like I've seen this post before.  You seem to be so focused on his happiness and what hand he's dealt.  You have the power to make your life better.  Stop worrying about what he's doing and how he's feeling.  He's of no importance anymore.  The best revenge is you moving on with your life.  You can't predict the future, you don't know how his life will turn out.  Stop wondering.

[questions01010]

Whilst I agree with you, I still think some people get dealt a better hand and he has certianly been given a good one where regardless of his actions and his lies he doesnt suffer any consequences. He just proceeds merrily on his way and like he said "things always work out for me just as I want".

[Judy246]

oh...correction!!!! God did not deal you these cards, since He give's mankind free will on decisions, path takn and choices and this poor example of a man choose to take this actio not God ok. Keep the faith strong and realized it's a blessing in desguise!!!  

[mami1323]

Um yeah my fiancé cheated on me when I was planning our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it wasn't until I caught it did it end and that was when my son was 9 months old. That's a 2 year affair and I was promised to be his wife. I had been with him for 5 years. He spent a couple of holidays with her and spent time away from me and our son to be with her. Even though he chose me I would say his affair was both calculating and hurtful. At least you don't share a child. I know you feel like they are all lovey dovey but you can't predict their future.

[questions01010]

Thanks everyone.
I guess that you are right, but they stil have each other and enjoy spending time together and have a happy future planned out as a couple.
She may never 100% trust him again but many men cheat and at least she knows he chose her.
I guess he came out of this best, then her and me who will never ever forget this horrific experience. I may trust again but I think that for a long time I will finish relationships with anyone I like ver yquickly as if I were to stay with him I would always be wondering whne he too would find someone better.
I have the play the hand God dealt me, but some of you post on here a lot and have you ever read a more calculated and hurtful betrayl??

[Judy246]

Well said teko and it will be a matter of time that he will probably cheat on her too (Karma!).

[teko]

She may get the temporary uplift of feeling chosen over you, but in the longrun the truth will slap her in the face. She is the unlucky one and if she does not realize that yet, she will in time. Actually does it not make her seem pitiful to have been chosen by a cheating, lying poor excuse of a man? I think it does. If he did it to you, he will do it to her. Just a matter of time. You are the lucky one here. I am not making light of the pain you feel but you will come to see this with time. Hang in there! Your future looks bright, hers not so much.

[Judy246]

I promise that this will all catch up with them sooner or later, so do consider yourself luck that he will never hurt you again, but you can't live your life wondering what they think, feel, etc. or you will make yourself crazy. Start making a plan for you and put your needs and wants ahead of what has happened. They are not worth your thoughts, pain or tears. Put them where they belong, in the past behind you.

[mami1323]

She probably does feel good at first but then she will go through the emotions and she will probably never trust him ever again.  They will have a long road ahead of them.  He was dishonest to you both so she's left with all the questions.  You are the lucky one in the situation because you were able to get away from him.  You may not feel like that now but you will in time.

[questions01010]

Hi - I would also like to understand how you think that she is feeling too. He has said that she feels really good to be chosen! Incidentally we are all in our 30/40s so not kids.

To those commenting already thanks, we are no longer in any contact and he is certainly not going to be taken back if he were ever to change his mind although he doesnt think that!

[teko]

I would say to you that you are lucky that you found out what a total jerk he is and you will have a better future because of it. I no it does not feel that way right now, and the hurt is out of this world. But, if you knew who he really was all this time, would you have wanted him anyway? No, I doubt it. People wear many faces for many reasons. You are blessed to have found this out now and not after you married the jerk and had a couple kids. You are free to find the right guy and if you had stayed with that jerk, you never would have. Do not give this loser anymore of your self. He is not worth it.

[Judy246]

Although he has cheated, sooner or later his conscience will catch up with him, especially when something negative will happen to him, but I agree, he didn't care about your emotions or how his infidelity made you feel and hurt you, so he is very selfish and putting himself first and above everyone, so you step back and out and let him think twice on the pain he has caused, because it will catch up to him.

We are humans and although at the moment we don't think, it will catch up to him sooner or later and he will be sorry, but probably too proud to say it. It doesn't mean that he won't turn around and do it again, so walk away and don't look back. He's not worth your love and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

[mami1323]

He's saying that to make you feel better and there's a tiny possibility he's saying it to keep you dangling just in case he wants to come back again.  He's not a good guy.

[questions01010]

Not sure that I care, just wondered as he is always saying he will regret it!

[mami1323]

Don't worry about how he is feeling, worry about how you are feeling.  I'm sure deep down he does miss you but it's not enough to want to be with you.  He made his decision.  So take it for what it is and try not to think about what he's doing or how he's feeling.  It's not worth your time and energy because he wasn't thinking about how his actions would affect you or her.

[questions01010]

Bit of an odd question, but how do you think that he is feeling right now?

[Judy246]

You will trust again, because this was not your fault. He failed you, you did not fail him and there are some pretty terrific guys out there and you should never judge another person base on what some loser did to you. A new relationship will be a new beginning, with new experiences and you will need to open you heart and let him in.

It's a blessing that you found out what type of loser this guy "is", and now that you have become wiser with the negative experience, you will be a little more selective in getting to know them, but never judged them base on your negative experience, because you don't want them doing the same to you. I recommend that you take some quite time to get to know yourself again. Time to reflect on what has happened and beginning the healing process. It's going to take time. You will have good days and you will have terrible day, but I promise you that healing will come. Start putting away anything and everything that will remind you of him, because if you keep items visable, it's a step going backward and avoid him like a plague.

Start by taking care of you and I promise that life has a way of always falling into place and there are several terrific guys out there, just waiting to meet you. As a song say's "I just havent met you yet"!  Hugs, Judy

[mami1323]

If you don't take the steps in working on yourself now, you may bring this into the next relationship or may have trust issues moving forward.  It's hard not to carry hurt over but if you recognize it and you say I won't let this man control my future and my happiness, you can change.

[questions01010]

So do you think it is ever possible to properly trust again or do you think that this horrible situation will impact any future relationships that I may have as I will probably act pretty insecure and it will be hard to properly commit to anyone in case they also decide to leave me for someone better?

[Judy246]

I agree that it's very important to start thinking of yourself and what is best for you. Infidelity can have long term effects on your self esteem and it says with you for quite some time, but I also believe in Karma, "what goes around comes around" and he will one day realize that the grass was not greener on the otherside.

Take some time to just think and heal and start making a plan for yourself; what do YOU like to do?  As mami stated, join a gym. I've started exercising and yesterday, started walking outdoors for 1/2 hour and I feel great inside and out. I made a plan to lose weight and get to the ideal size for me and I'm reaching my goal (I'm very pleased with myself and accomplishment on weight loss).  

So, accept what you can't change and change what you can. Start with the self, set goals, take a class, which is a great way to meet new people. Surround yourself with a positive environment, good friends family and you will flourish. You do have to completely step away from anything that has to do with this man, even if it means changing your cell phone. Time does heal all wounds. It's  painful journey, but you will become wiser, stronger and will never permit a man to treat you this way again. Good Luck, Judy

[mami1323]

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry, I know how devastating an affair can be.  You feel so sad and hurt and betrayed and unloved and your self esteem does hit an all time low.  My fiance cheated on me for 2 years but we managed to stay together and recover from it.  Even though we stayed together, the feelings of rawness are still the same.  Because even though I still had him, he wasn't the same man I had fallen in love with.  My trust was gone, so repairing our relationship afterward was the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my life.  There really is no time frame on when you will recover and move on, everyone handles things differently.  The best advice I can give you is don't let a cheating man make you feel less about yourself because frankly what did she actually win?  She has a man who cheated on her for 3 years and you know what, he will probably do it again.  People like that who don't see any error in their ways, never change.  My recommendation is to do exactly what Jennifer is doing, go out and live your life.  What I did when I would be heartbroken is go back to the gym and work out.  Not only is it getting healthy but the natural endorphines from exercise make you feel good mentally.  Plus, you will look hot.  Use your ex as a motivation, like say to yourself, if I were to ever bump into you again, I'm gonna look hot...lol.  I know it sounds childish, but it works.  Then once you are in shape you can buy some new clothes.  Basically when you start taking care of yourself and looking and feeling good, your self esteem will increase.  But time does heal all wounds and you will be fine.  One day you will look back and wonder how you could ever get so upset over such a loser.  Good luck.

[Judy246]

Hi, I'm sorry for the situation you are in and your b/f infidelity. I recently wrote this advice to "She90" and instead of re-writing it, I copied it, but this is exactly what I wanted to say to you ok:

I"m sorry to hear you have experienced the hurt and pain of infidelity and it's a blessing that you are no longer with that man. He has proven to be unfaithful, untrustworthy, dishonest, selfish, self centered and cold hearted. To answer your question, there is no specific time frame for grieving a loss. Yes, "grieving" the loss, because this man was part of your life, whom you loved and now that man and love is gone, so you grieve him as if you would when someone you loved is gone. It's like a death (death of a relationship), but he's alive and well.

You start by acknowledging the reality of the situation...the relationship is gone, he' no longer in my life and it's over. Then you take some quite time to reflect on what has happened, you grieve the loss and then you gather strength that you didn't realize that you had within you to accept what you can not change. Then you start to take care of the only person that you have control over...you. Take care of your appearance, health and surround yourself with family and good friends and then make a plan. You plan what you would like to do...go back to school.

Start slowly by focusing on you, start jogging, exercising, take a dance class, go for a long bike ride, a long walk or just sit and absorb the sun. Invite your friends to lunch, a movie, just to hang out, go dancing, but it's very important to tell them that you are going through a difficult time and would appreciate them not brining your ex in conversations at this point in time. Tell them you need their support and not bring him up. Also, I recommend that if you are tempted to call him, change your phone number if you have to. I had to do this and it worked for me. Put away all gifts, pictures, stuff animal, anything and everything he gave you, because this can trigger a relapse and then you are back to square one. Put them away and one day you will be able to take them out and view them with fond memories.

A broken relationship if not handled properly can be damaging, emotionally debilitating and dangerous to the self. People that do not have the proper copeing skills have attempted or committed suicide over a loss love and life is a precious gift and no man or woman is worth taking that gift away over. Good luck and if you have any questions, just send me a quick message....Hugs, Judy