relationship falling apart

Question

i really need some advise. i have been married for 51/2 years but have been with my husband for 10 years. we have two small children 3 and 1, recently things just seem to be falling apart. we fight and bicker. i feel like there is a wedge growing between us. i do harbor some anger towards him because he goes out once sometimes twice a week with friends while i'm home with the kids. i work a couple days a week but primarily am a stay at home mom. i don't know if the stress of all the responsibilities is getting to me but i just feel like i do everything for the kids while he goes out and has fun.  he has told me to start going out but i feel guilty going out and leaving the kids.  i'm just so confused. i don't want to end my marriage cause i love my husband but i just feel unappreciated and taken for granted..    i need some advice  thanks to all who respond

specialmom · Accepted Answer

Hm.  Couple of thoughts.  I do find it hard to understand the concept of going out with the guy friends once or twice a week.  What are they doing?  Are they playing tennis, biking, doing something productive or just sitting in a bar like single guys?  Okay--------- see where I am going.  I encourage my husband to have friends and don't hold him back but have some boundaries.  Do I think two times a week is escessive?  Sitting in a bar drinking------- yeah, I do.  We get married and have a family and for a few years we don't get to do everything we want to do.  I asked my husband a question one time----------  I asked him if he ever remembers his dad not being around on a Friday or Saturday night because he was out at a bar or out drinking with his buddies.  He said he did not remember one time.  Then I asked him what kind of dad he wanted to be.  Now this is not probably popular----------- and my husband will go out occasionally----------- but I've it has never been an issue because he takes his role as parent and spouse seriously.  He goes out and he misses what the kids are doing.  There are really only  a few years that the kids care to spend time with you . . . they outgrow it pretty quick----------  so yeah, I think going out to a bar with buddies twice a week is too much.  Playing tennis, well I can live with that because it is exercise.  Going to lunch-------- couldn't care less as it isn't infringing on "our" time.  Really------------  my friends that have husbands that go out all the time and feel like they have no control over it------------  they end up very resentful and bitter.  I'm a fan of being more forthright and laying down some boundaries.  Don't be unreasonable---------  but let him know what you are comfortable with.  And I often say to my husband if he has a call from someone to go out----------  hey, I think we need a date instead.  And we get a sitter for an hour and a half or two (or more if we can afford it).  Hey, I'm his friend too, right?  We need couple time as well.

Now, on the other side of things, you may suffer from something called "hyperresponsibility".  You feel like the life of your kids would fall apart without you.  YOu have to be there for everything.  They depend on you for their very existence.  It is good to be needed but way too much pressure to be "that" needed.  I think time out for exercise, time with some girlfriends, time just for ourselves is important.  You will be surprised how well they will fend without you!  

I didn't go out much either but found that when I start thinking of grocery shopping by myself as a fabulous outing, I need to rediscover myself again!  So I do encourage you to take some time for yourself.

The reason why I split this up is that there are two things going on.  Just going out isn't going to make you think it is okay that your husband does it often.  On that issue, you have to communicate and get on the same page.  And most important--------- don't just be two ships passing in the night as he does "his" things and you do your things-------  do somethings together and stay connected.  good luck

em31 · Answer

thank you to all who have reasponded so far  i have taken all answers into consideration

imanaddict · Answer

Take your husband up on the offer to go out once in a while. Just because you go do something without your kids does NOT make you a bad mom. You are not just a mother, but a woman and wife too. It is completely okay to get some space from the daily motherly duties. I think once you get out of the house, your resentment toward your husband will fade. You don't have to feel guilty about leaving the kids. In fact, it's good to every now and then!

teko · Answer

LOL, yes, it is absolutely normal for the first couple of times until you realize it was not only good for you to get a break from them but is good for them to get a break from you as well! YES Absolutely normal and the only way to get over feeling that way is to do it. Make it for a couple of hours the first time and go from there. They will be fine you will see!

em31 · Answer

thanks for the advice  can you tell me if it is normal to feel guilty leaving the kids to go out.  that is one of my main reasons for not going out, i just feel like a bad mom, like i'm leaving them... thanks again

teko · Answer

In any relationship there has to be balance. You said he goes out one or two times a week and has told you to as well. You need to have friends and do things with them too. Friends are very important thru out our lives and it seems more and more when couples get together they forget everything and everyone else except each other. You said yourself, you work part time but other than that you are a stay at home mom the rest of the time. You are burned out and need something more. Go out with friends once in a while in the evening and check to see if their are any moms groups in your area where you can make friends with others like you in your situation. My daughter has a moms group where they get together and do things with the kids once or twice a month and they also have a support group where each family gets a night out with the hubby while someone within their group watches the kids. They all get a turn. It is quite fun and a good way for not only you to make friends with other moms, but your kids will love it as well. If you do not do something for you, you will harbor resentment as you are beginning to now. It will improve your life, your kids life and will help your marriage immensely. This is one option, and I am sure the others will provide others, so just think about it. Look on the internet for moms groups in your vicinity, they are all the rage right now. My daughter has had hers for several years and absolutely loves it!

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