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rocky relationship
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rocky relationship

I have been on/off with this man for almost 2 years. He has a history of meth use and could never keep a job. right away he moved in with me and started lying. I have such a big heart and he had no where to go so I let him back every time he would lie or leve for days and not come home. we broke up for 6 months last year and have been back together since oct or 2013. In oct, he claimed to be sober since july and so I started dating him again. in dec I went thru his phone and found he had used 4 times since we were back together. yet again, I took him back in January. the last month of march he has been very distant, doesn't talk to me very often, doesn't even sleep in the same bed as I do.  one night I went out and ran into a man that I have known for years. When I got home he wrote to me on facebook stating he wanted to come over and talk with a winky face.' the conversation went on for a while. flirting back and forth. I know it was wrong but It felt good to have someone show me some attention.  i had no attentions on doing anything physical... long stoy short. my boy friend saw it and immediately broke up with me. he is making me sound like a *****. I never had this man come over I never touched him. Is there no hope for us to have a healthy relationship? is there any advise on what I can do and he can do to have a happy life together? I love him so much and I know he loves me but maybe this roller coaster relationship needs to be over...?
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi, Meth use is extremely habit forming and actually develops into life style much like what your going through. Unless he gets intervention with a drug program this will continue for years to come. If your willing to put yourself through this then by all means stick with him and get him professional help but the feelings you just experienced with then new person are what are real and true and something you should consider. Him continuing with his drug use and lying and not showing up home for days on end, are examples of how he cares more for himself so in return you should care also for yourself and get off the roller coaster ride. Always remember these rides always end up in the same spot from whence it started.

I think as we get older one of the worst feelings we will experience is a life of what could have been! He has chosen this road not you. This is something he as created, not you.
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8041739_tn?1396374770
Thank you for that comment. I know in my heart your right. I am getting older and all I want is to be happy with some one who wants a family. I don't think I will find it with him. ive tried to get him help many times. But he 'doesn't have a problem' is what he says. its time to move on and focus on myself. Thank you again!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh my goodness.  Well, I'm confused---  you have a boyfriend but let the old on and off drug abuser over to winky face talk because you enjoyed his attention?

I would look into codependency.  There is something going on that doesn't allow you to really judge this situation properly and to keep finding yourself in the same pattern.  Repeating pattern.  And unless you address that within YOU, it will find a way of continuing to repeat even if it is new people that have issues that you bring into your life.  Unhealthy people find unhealthy people to put up with them.  You are the unhealthy person that puts up with unhealthy people.  

If you need attention so badly that you will put aside what you know about someone, that is a true internal problem.  

I would consider al anon to learn about your codependency as well as some professional therapy to get to the root of your own unhealthy thinking that leads to this continued pattern.  

good luck (and yes, obviously end the roller coaster ride.  I just believe you won't be able to unless you work on why you stayed on it for so long already.)  
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5840009_tn?1395493115
I say NO! get out and stay out! Let him get clean and work on his life and you work on yours! Just my opinion! Nothing healthy about this relationship!
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8041739_tn?1396374770
I agree with all of you. I am starting therapy next week and will look for a al anon group in the town where I love

*I have let my drug abuser boy friend back in multiple times. the man that was giving me attention was someone completely different. And is a great guy. I liked the attention because I wasn't getting the healthy attention that I need to feel complete.

Today is the day I start over and work on myself to get healthy and eventually be happy with who I am.

Thank you everyone. it helps to have you all reassuring me that this is the right decision to make.
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8041739_tn?1396374770
I just don't understand why I feel that I need him He doesn't do anything positive for my life. Its this stupid co-dependency thing.. I just want to get over it...
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Its not that you feel you need him, its that you feel he needs you and by nature we are givers.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Life, codependency is about her needing him too.  He fulfills something within her and that is why the pattern continues.  It's a 'takes two' scenario ---  and women and men in relationships with addicts often do indeed believe they need the partner.  It is only when they address the codependency that they find they never needed them for real.  :>)
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973741_tn?1342346373
PS:  a very real reason that people end up in these relationships is because they are in a way safe.  The addict has no where else to go.  You find that those that are codependent often fear abandonment.  
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You nailed it SpecialMom!! :

Those that fear abondonment become co dependent.

This I know is tru.
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5840009_tn?1395493115
I am living proof that EVERY word you just said is ABSOLUTELY truth @SPM
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3149845_tn?1386354841
I was making reference to her need of him as she does not know why, im saying that her need is to be needed as we are givers by nature. What a wondering thing to be asked a question. What a wonderful thing to have extra money to help the needy, what a wonderful thing to give ourselves to someone.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, that is true but codependency isn't healthy.  Both people are unhealthy and it is thus, an unhealthy union.  People who are in these relationships find it very hard to separate from one another.  

It is indeed nice to be needed but not in that codependent way.  That's a burden.  
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Its not healthy but with many people its better than nothing as lonely ness is also a burden. Sharing is an important part of  society and those most people most often will end it if something better comes along. This is an example of that. She met someone and is here questioning if she should leave.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Oh no.  I disagree. A codependent relationship with an addict is he double toothpick and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.  Codependency isn't a real relationship as it is based on unhealthy things.  

She is not thinking clearly and has unhealthy, codependent thinking and that is why she is having difficulty leaving.  Healthy people will go ahead and be self protective.  Settling for a sick partner is no way to live in my opinion.  

This is a very common pattern for addict and their codependent partner.  It's just not healthy on any level.  

Now, I'm in a relationship with a man and part of my relationship is caring for my husband and he cares for me. That is very different than one of us doing something like meth while the other one takes care of us.  Mutual loving and caring and giving is one thing but in a codependent relationship, it is very one sided.  

I hope she gets out and finds help so that she doesn't find herself in this situation ever again.  And I'm speaking from my heart and my own experience.  
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973741_tn?1342346373
he double toothpick is H-E-L-L and I personally would rather be alone than live through that nightmare.  The worry, dread, anger, hurt . . . it's terrible.  Been there.  
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I completely agree about the meth, I was merely making a general statement of the need to be needed.
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I STILL agree with SpecialMom !!

My own personal relationship did not involve drugs or alcohol but Her observance of co dependency is right on the money.  It's evident in many other dysfunctional relationships as well.  It is never a good thing.

I also agree that a codependent relationship with an addict is even more problematic!!  

On that subject I speak as the Daughter of an Alcoholic which was the creation of my co dependent personality.  I saw this in my Father and Both my Brothers.  My Brothers carried this behavior into Their marriages as well.  EveryOne I know has been hurt even more deeply by Their own co dependent roles in the relationship.   I do not agree that it's "better than to be alone"

Whats "better" is to become healthy and then CHOOSE a healthy relationship.

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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, yes.  In a general sense, being needed feels good.  For sure.  
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8041739_tn?1396374770
I wish i had all of you in a support group with me! I came home last night and he was methd out with all of my boxes packed. It shouldn't be this hard to leave him. It makes it easier that he doesn't want me back tho too. I do like feeling that he needs me. I know its time to work on me. I am worried that now he won't have a job or food or a place to live. I shouldn't care but i can't help it. I am very embarrassed. All of my friends and family tell me similar things about my relationship. I guess i should've listened. Thank you every one again. Today is already a hard day.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Did you say you are in therapy?  Remember that this is about YOUR unhealthy thinking and not him.  He's irrelevant.  And in fact, you've contributed to his drug problem by being codependent with him.  You are helping him by staying out of his life.  

That's the cold hard truth about codependency.  You think you are doing things out of love but his addiction is actually part of why you are together.  It's hard to look at it that way but unhealthy thinking keeps one attached to an addict.  That he has now packed your things and asked you to leave is quite a blow, I'm sure. but very telling as to how deep into denial and your codependent ways you've become.  

PLEASE go to an al anon meeting.  PLEASE go to counseling.  If you have a child that you are exposing to this relationship, she is learning from you.  Don't keep this cycle going as it has little hope of ending well.

good luck and DO get help for your end of this bad lifestyle.  
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8041739_tn?1396374770
Not in therapy yet. Trying to get in somewhere.  Still struggling today. Reading ur comments really help. I have read them over and over and it helps me to get thru the day. Thank u.
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