saving my marriage or letting it go

[ccic]

Hi,I am hoping that some of you can offer advice to me. I have been married for 23 years, have 2 teens one 16 and one 17. I married my high school sweet heart, though he is 6 years older than me. For the first 5 years we were happy, but after my boys came, and I do mean my boys, although they are his he calls them mine because I wanted them and not him. He drinks but goes to work every day, comes home and has never ever strayed. I work full time and make more than he, and in his own way he is not pleased with that. I have never thrown that in his face. Well now to my problem, I love him but I am not in love with him.  He does not make me happy, and he is always picking on me for something. I have met someone, well I have known him for over 3 years, he smiles at me, asks me how was my week, how am I, and hugs me just hello and good by like my husband use to do. I see him once a week. He wants to become friends he says we don't have to have sex, but he says that life is to short for me to live with a person who is simply there because we are married. Is it wrong for me to me for lunch, and get those hugs that I know I want and need? I don't know where this relationship will lead to. He knows I am married and we spend a great deal of time talking about what is going wrong and he always ends up hugging me in the end and saying, I am here if you want me, you have more to lose than me but I promise I won't drink and will never push. Can he be real can a guy really just want to make me happy? I haven't been happy in such a long time, please give me advice any to help me.

[RockRose]

Yes, it's wrong what you're doing.  You only have two more years with your children before you can consider leaving your husband.  These are two vulnerable teenage boys.

This man is an idiot,  and a user.  If you leave your husband for him,  you will be sorry very very soon.

[ctsmom]

well I suggest trying to work on your marriage, and there are so many people who come on here with these situations, would you be wanting to leave your husband if this other man wasn't in the picture?  what if you did leave and things didnt work out with this other man?  How would you feel if your husband had this kind of "friendship" with another woman, these are just my opinions but if you can stick it out and work it out, great, if not, take into consideration your children and wait until they have graduated and then leave

[pertykitty]

your marriage im sorry to say sounds at the end. i wouldnt wait untill the kids are adults. its pointless to stay in a relationship that for years has been bad. i dont think that they should see what goes on though. you do what feels right. i dont think staying for a few more years for the boys sake is worth while. im surprised rockrose thinks that, she feels that you should give up yur baby if nobody is in the room with you!! go after what makes you happy.

[ccic]

Thank you, all you.  After getting off line last night I tryed talking with my husband and he just wanted to go to sleep.  He was already into his 9th or 10th beer by then. I know that I have to think things through.  But I should have also mentioned that both my boys ask me now at least 2 times a week, why do you stay with dad, and why does he need to be the way that he is?  Both say they will never get married.  I try to explain to them that this isn't the way a marriage is suppose to be.  Thanks for offering your advice.

[browneyedsc]

To say that a person cannot leave an uhappy marriage until her children are 18 is ridiculous! Teenagers and even young children know when their parents are not happy...they can sense tension.  As a child who mother did exactly that, waited until my brother and I were in college to divorce...I know firsthand that there is no point.  Your children love you and want you to be happy...the are old enough to see your unhappiness...going to lunch and getting a hug from a friend is innocent enough...if you cross that line into an intimate relationship...that is very wrong.  Sometimes people fall out of love...it happens and there isn't anything you can do about it.  If you are not happy...change it so you are.  If this means walking away...do it.  But be careful, being so unhappy in your marrige may be making you see this guy as a way out...he might be the one for you...but if you are going to leave your husband because you aren't happy...that should be your only reason...not because something better came along.  Good luck!

[ccic]

thank you, I will listen to words carefully.  And he certainly would not be the reason for me to leave.  I need to just think and try and talk to my husband again.  But, I am not sure it will do any good.  I was offered a job yesterday an hour and half away from home.  He said take it, visit on the weekend.  Not sure but maybe he has already given up.  Thanks

[jojo24]

I must say that first of all even though you are not sexually involved with this other man, you're still cheating emotionally, which in a sense is wrong but you can't get that emotional support at home, so I feel it is justified.  Every woman deserves to be happy and if you feel like you're not getting that and your husband refuses to even take you into consideration then maybe it's for the best that you pack your things and go.  As hard as it would be to end a 23 year marriage you would probably feel very happy and free afterward.  My parents were married for 22 years and got divorced when I was 18 and even though my mom went through some hard times, I have never seen her happier.  

It's true as a previous poster said, that you're children can see your unhappiness.  They are probably just as miserable as you are living in that situation.  I just advise that you be careful when you make your decision.  Don't ever talk bad about their father to them, no matter how mad you are at him or how mad they may be.  And don't argue with him in front of them or involve them in any of the adult issues.  My parents made that mistake.  I was still living with them while they were going through the divorce process and even though I couldn't stand my dad and wanted my mom to get divorced, it was still hard to actually have the whole thing unfold right in front of me.  My parents bad-mouthed each other, argued in front of me, and my dad even resorted to hitting my mom right in front of me, something I had never seen before, and it traumatized me. My dad even blamed me for their divorce. I had to take anti-depressants for years after that and I dropped out of high school with only 3 months before graduation.  You don't have to wait for your kids to grow up before you get divorced, but just know that it's a drastic change for them because all they know is the two of you so you have to make sure they know it's not their fault, and show them lots and lots of love, and don't let them see or hear you argue.  I think you will be okay.  God bless.

[pixijal]

It's not wrong what your doing it your actually looking to have an affair.  The choices you have been making will make you CLOSER to him, and FURTHER from your husband.  For the sake of YOUR BOYS, try to limit your exposure with this man.  Your not the only married woman to experience these feelings, and you did take an oath.  I understand the 'pull' you have towards him, it is very strong and sometimes feels very right.  Don't let it win.  You have to control this, and attempt to make your marriage 'work'.  If you leave your husband, and actually end up with this man, I can GUARANTEE that soon enough, there will be things about him that you dislike.

The relationship with your husband is REALITY.  
The boyfriend relationship is FANTASY....you haven't had to pay the bills and take care of the kids and live REAL life with him!

Again, this happens to MANY married women, you are not the only one.  It is up to only YOU, what choices you make.

[PlateletGal]

"To say that a person cannot leave an uhappy marriage until her children are 18 is ridiculous!"


I agree 100% and I also know that children really do know when thier parent's are unhappy.

I hate to throw religion in any discussion and I'm not very religious.. but God wants us all to be happy.

[spade22]

Since you have been married for such a long time and have shared so much of your life together, in my opinion, you owe it to your husband, and yourself, to discuss how you are really feeling (when he is not drunk and can fully comprehend what you are saying) - prehaps he shares the same sentiments?  Marriage counselling should also be considered before "giving up" on him.  

If he feels the same way, or nothing changes, you need to do what makes you happy - if that means getting out of the marriage, thats what you need to do.  There is no point living in a situation that makes you miserable - life is way to short for that!

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I think you are wrong in pursing a relationship with another man while married.  cut off contact with him, try to work through things with your husband.  If you are unable to do so, separate.  Then, once you are divorced you can date.

It NEVER works out when you leave a marriage for someone else.  This other man sounds like an opportunist who is preying on you while you are vulnerable.  He is not your friend.

[Trialanderror]

Yes, always be cautious with men who show up when you are distressed. They always have some of their own agenda up their sleeve. If your boys want you to be happier, too, you can teach them a great lesson of integrity if you do not leave your marriage for SOMEONE but for your own sanity. If you have to wait for your husband to be sober to even be able to talk to him, it is bad. And if he has always conveyed the message that he never wanted the boys, it must have hurt their feelings for a long time. Whether you wait another two years or not is not the point. Your sons must have seen you as the enduring victim of this marriage, I am just assuming. Make sure they also witness you as a woman who gets her act together and moves forward rather than being passive. You can be a great role model that way, whether it means you find ways to re-configure your marriage or get out and build your own life.

[sparkeler]

Do not stay in the marraige because of your boys.  I can't believe people still suggest that.  I am a child of a broken home & my parents finally decided to divorce after 18 years of marriage.  I say finally because all they did was fight.  I could tell they didn't love each other & to witness all the bad blood between them was heartbreaking.  They tried to do the right thing by staying together, but in the end it was 10 extra years of damage to their kids.  I have suffered from anxiety & depression & I believe that their marriage is the root of it.  I also have had to work very hard at relationships  because I have had such a distorted image of what one was supposed to be.  Anyway, kids can sense when someone is unhappy.  

If you think that the love is gone or you don't have a reason to stay with your husband, aside from your children, then do what you have to do.  Alot of people meet somebody while their still married & that gives them the push to finally leave the unhappy marriage.  It's not necessarily that your leaving for someone else, but a glimpse that life doesn't have to be about a dead end marriage.  Sometimes these people, however, are too good to be true.  So I wouldn't be so trusting just yet.  I do feel that you should cool it with this guy, who you are  obviously begininning to have feelings for until you are out of the house & seperated.  It can be a sticky situation, especially when their are teenage kids involved.  Approach the relationship after you've moved out & settled in to the change.  Good luck!  

[lifeisgood70]

I understand the situation you are in.  I too believe you should not stay in an unhappy marriage for your 2 sons.  It is so hard for women to move on sometimes because we are the nuturers.  It sounds to me like you have probably put up with a lot, to include verbal & emotional abuse.  It sounds to me like you have tried throughout the years to make it work and that this "new guy" has given you the strength to actually move forward and think of life without your husband, and that you maybe better off.  If you leave I know it isn't because of this "new guy".  It will be because you have finally come to terms with your marriage and realized their isn't much of a marriage there.  God cares more about the individual than he does the institution of marriage, and divorce is a way you can begin again and show your boys that it is okay to be strong and admit that the marriage is not healthy and that it is time for you to move on.  The only thing I recommend otherwise is that you focus on getting yourself settled and your boys into your new life before even thinking about dating.  You need to give yourself that time.  My prayers are with you and your sons.

[Jaybay]

Your husband is a functional alcoholic.  Does he recognize that he is an alcoholic?  That's really the crux of the issue here: his substance abuse.  In my book, that is a reason to leave if he refuses to do something about it.  Alcohol has robbed you of a husband, lover, friend, helpmate, father - you get the idea.  Have you both ever seriously discussed the problem, or is it like the elephant in the living room that everyone tries to ignore?

Instead of seeing this as a "stay or go" problem, maybe a separation would be a better choice.  Clearly state that you want to save the marriage, but only if he gets treatment for his alcoholism.  If you need to separate to make that point clear, so be it.  Give him the time and space to figure out exactly what he's going to be losing, and give yourself some time to see how you do on your own.  Just make sure you have no regrets from making a too-fast decision.  If you know you've done everything possible to save your marriage, you can then move on with a clear conscience.  

I makes me so sad to see people split up a family just because they've met someone else who "makes them happy."  YOU are the only one responsible for your happiness.  Be happy within yourself first; then think about sharing it with someone else.

[anon001]

Everybody seems to be saying one of two things: either try to make your marriage work because it is what is real or worry about yourself and be happy.  Both sound like great advice but they are so opposite!  I am in the same position although I have only been married for 4 years.  I am very happy with my life, but not my marriage.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with my husband he just doesn't do it for me anymore.  I have a great career and a great house - no children.  I love being in the position I am in, I just don't feel like I'm in it with the right person.  I never get the butterfly feeling.  My husband and I have very little sexual intimacy anymore.  I think he is still very much in love with me, I am just not with him anymore.  

I still have contact with a guy I used to date.  That relationship tapered off after he moved.  Now, I would really like to explore what I have with him.  Even if he isn't the right guy, doesn't the fact that I am still looking for the right guy mean my marriage is wrong?  It is hard to think about because giving up my marriage is giving up security.  Yes there are way worse marriages out there.  But, is it right to stay in one when you are always going to wonder if it is right?  I don't think that is fair to either one of us.  Of course I am also really hesitant in making any move towards divorce because I hate hurting other people.  We are going to go to counseling.  Maybe that will help.  Although, my husband has no idea how I feel.  He does know that we have problems communicating and that our sex life needs some serious help.  I just don't want to waste my time on something that isn't right.  Plus, I would like to have children soon but definitely don't want to if I'm not sure about my marriage.  

[jml1986]

If  you choose to leave your husband, you need to do it for you. Not for another guy or for your children. When you are not happy at home any man can be your mister wonderful, but I promise you that if you don't love yourself first you can not love someone else not matter how perfect you think he is. If you decide to leave your husband then you need to take time to work on yourself before you jump into a new relationship. I don't blame you if you choose to leave him, but you need to work your way out of the marriage which means, try everything you can to get through to your husband, if he is not receptive then I say why spend the rest of your life unhappy.

[canman99]

It's very interesting reading all your women's points of view.
They say the secrete of A sucessfull lasting marriage is that your able to fall in love with your mate over and over again.That does go for both you and your husband.Do you make if fall in love with you over and over?

The magic is created by both of you, in the REAL world.
My point is ,you and you husband are actually in controll of you love, you don't have to only count on those special feelings falling randomly down from the sky on you both. It is what you want it to be.
I guess I am an optimist. Unless there is A dealbreaker, abuse is about the only one that comes to my male mind, I believe you both should exhaust absolutly all  means before you both throw in the towel.
If you really respect marriage you know that it's the one of hardest things you will ever do.
ccic, ask youself this... how would you feel if you were in your husbands position, and he was questioning his vows. Would you want him to fight to save the future you always thought you would have together?
As for your husband he as A disease,and needs much help. That part will absolutly be A battle
.He needs your help, but he also needs to help himself.
.It sounds like this is the main underling problem if you ask me.
He is your husband, and father of those children I hope you love.
First he needs to get treatment, and then you both need some good counseling to see if you both have what it takes to save your marriage.
By the way, the guy who is trying to woo you does not respect you, or your present marriage.