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second chances.
Do you think everyone deserves a second chance? I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago and he really wants a second chance. I am unsure as to whether I should give it to him or not. He's a nice guy, though we had problems before with him keeping secrets. He said the reason he hadn't told me was because he was embarrassed, though I told him I'm his gf and should have told me anyways. He's promised that he will no longer keep secrets. He said he knew he was needy before and said he'd back off, he wants me in his life. I care about him a lot, he was my best friend and my boyfriend. Though I don't trust him like I had before and that is what gets at me. I know he's told me over and over that there are no more secrets and that we'll do better this time, but I just don't know what to do. Do I give him a second chance? The breakup was very hard and I cried all the time. I don't want to go through that again.
Thanks. I told him today that we would try again. We went out to lunch and it was really nice being with him. He's so easy to talk to. :) I really hope that it all works out...
Let your heart guide you and your natural instincts will never let you down. These experiences will make you stronger, wiser and grow. If it just doesn't feel right it will only get worse with time, but only you can decide what is best for you. Re-read you own feelings within the post as we have and the answers are right there. Best wishes....
well my instincts aren't very strong, as I really am not sure what to do. I'd ask my mother for her opinion, but she doesn't really want me to be with him because of the age difference, so I won't get a very good answer out of her. I have thought about that saying about "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". It would only be a second chance, I definitely wouldn't keep going back to him if it doesn't work out. I had done that once before, being immature and stupid, and will never do that again! I think that's part of why I'm hesitant. I messed up in the past with the whole second chances thing, and got back with a loser who was abusive. I don't want to repeat mistakes. I told him if we give it a second try, that we'd have to go slow and that things had to change. I wasn't going to put up with what was before, and if he wants it to work, we'll both have to put in effort.
COMMUNITY LEADER
When it comes to dating, I just don't think second chances are required. You can think someone is perfectly nice and not had a major issue with them to decide to break up and not get together again when they ask. That is just my opinion. It is hard to leave someone that we care for but if our gut says they are probably not the future spouse I'm looking for . . . then what is the point? I think sweet pea will have to listen to her own instincts on this one. Good luck!!
What type of world would this be if we didn't learn how to forgive and give second changes. Everyone deserves a second chance, but that is an individual choice. I also believe in, "First time shame on you, second time shame on me, third time you had it coming", so if you are will to give him a second change do so, but make sure to tell him that he has to earn your trust and that if he fails you again, there will be no third change. Good Luck.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh no. Then I change my opinion!!! We can NOT disagree!! LOL I feel like I must have something wrong if I feel differently than you do. I just worry because it isn't really stuff that he can change easily and is more just who he is. ... and if you aren't super in love with someone and are just getting back together because he is a nice guy and deserves a second chance . . . that there won't be enough glue to make it stick. But I am serious when I say this-------------- I could be totally wrong. Mami gives awesome advice and I'd trust her to guide me through things. Sweatpea--------- I'd trust her as well. I guess this is one you should do what is in your heart to do.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay . . . here I come at the end. . .. But, when dating, I don't often think second chances are worth it. Here is why . . . dating is for finding out what you like and dislike about someone. If you like enougt to make it worth being with him, that is the direction to take. When a relationship ends because the list of things you don't like then I think it prolongs the misery to date them a second time around. You can really care for and even love someone and know deep down inside that it wouldn't be the greatest "forever" relationship. Relationships are really hard work----------- without going into it with that history. Once you have kids, well that is a different story. Then second, third, forth chances are a good idea because a lot is at stake.
But from the sounds of what you write here, there is this and that and a little of that which says in my mind that somewhere inside of yourself, you don't feel like this is "THE" relationship for you. But since he didn't do anything totally terrible you are having a hard time justifying not giving him a second chance. I just think you'll end up in the same place down the road and he and you can go on to meet someone else sooner that is a better match.
Could be totally wrong----------- this is JUST my opinion and nothing more. I wish you the best of luck!
But from the sounds of what you write here, there is this and that and a little of that which says in my mind that somewhere inside of yourself, you don't feel like this is "THE" relationship for you. But since he didn't do anything totally terrible you are having a hard time justifying not giving him a second chance. I just think you'll end up in the same place down the road and he and you can go on to meet someone else sooner that is a better match.
Could be totally wrong----------- this is JUST my opinion and nothing more. I wish you the best of luck!
It's always a gamble but I feel like if I did something wrong or there was something I would do that would bother my fiance and he broke up with me, I would hope that I could get a second chance to make things right.
Thanks! It is hard work, though I wish I would feel like he's putting in a lot of effort, too. It's taken months for him to feel better about smiling fully, because he had been so self conscious about his teeth. I love a lot of the qualities that he has and I want it to work. I'm just nervous about getting back into the same problems.
This is part of life. Even years from now you will be working on some sort of relationship issue. They are hard work. You have to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and see if it is worth your time. Funny because this guy I work with says that so many women take years to mold their men and then give up right before he's about to change. Then the next woman gets to benefit from the last woman's hard work...lol. I think part of that is true. Stick with it if he's worth it. There could be so many other issues that could be wrong with the relationship, I don't think his are that horrible.
I know he is really trying now, though I wonder if he'll keep up with it or will he go back to how he was before. I have reassured him many times and have helped him with a number of things, like finally moving out of his parents house. He's 30 years old. I know he had some legitimate reasons for not moving out a few years prior, but he's had the opportunity the last couple years and hadn't done it till I kind of pushed the idea. I feel like he's grown up a lot since we had been together. It hadn't been easy and when we broke up I had talked about how I felt I was putting in so much more effort than he was. He has acknowledged many of what I had been bothered about. Though he can be lazy, and I just hope that if I try again with him, he won't fall back into how he was before.
It sounds like he's got some really good qualities and the relationship wasn't all bad. It seems he's got some insecurity issues. Perhaps he was burned in the past and that's why he is so needy and controlling. He's got severe anxiety about losing you. Those are issues that can be worked on though. So if you feel like he is worth putting in the time and effort with, then give him a chance. He will have to prove himself to you over time. Maybe work with him on his issues. Don't enable them but work through them. Make him feel comfortable but continue to live your life. He will need to work on himself. No one is perfect but if he acknowledges the behaviors that drove you away, perhaps he will think twice about doing them again.
oh, no, I didn't break up with him because of it. I broke up with him because he overly worries about everything, having to constantly reassure him, and because he was so needy. He'd make me feel guilty if I went out with friends and not him, or if I couldn't go out one night, he'd get upset. The only reason I found out about that secret was because he felt guilty about hiding it and confessed about it when I broke up with him. I have never yelled at him. We'll argue, but neither of us will ever raise our voice. Which is one of the reasons I really like him. I grew up with a father who would yell at the top of his lungs and he would scare me with that anger. Most people say that I am easy to talk to. I have people I don't know that well confide in me about things. Though my own boyfriend wouldn't tell me everything. He says he wanted to be looked at better and not some loser. He didn't want to be looked down on by my parents, as they tend to have high expectations. They want me to be the straight A student, which I was until about this last year. Though I've told him so many times, it's about me and him, not us and my parents. He can't always worry about them.
Ok, please don't get upset but sometimes people aren't completely honest because they are embarrassed. To me he lied about getting kicked out of school and although that is a big thing, it really is his business. You aren't married so therefore it really doesn't have much effect on your life as it does on his. He wasn't lying to you about cheating on you. It sounds like he didn't want you to look down upon him. And I sort of don't blame him for not telling you because when you did find out about it you broke up with him. So maybe look towards yourself and wonder if you handle things in an appropriate manner. Do you blow up at him? Are you easy to talk to? I'm not saying him lying isn't a big deal but what he lied about may not be construed as something you needed to break up with him over. I know a lie is a lie and either way it damages his credibility and it ruins trust but again, I think you have to look at the bigger picture and understand his reasoning behind it.
When I'm with him, I'm happy. I am worried about it being temporary, which is why I'm hesitant. When I've talked to him, he seems really sorry and has really thought about what he has done wrong. We hung out as friends over the weekend and I do miss being around him. I just don't want to repeat problems we've had before. Right now, I don't trust him fully, which makes him upset, but he lost my trust. He kept the secret about him getting kicked out of school for low grades and was doing extended education through the same university though. But that's not some small thing. And I was mad he couldn't just tell me that. I asked him when he was planning on telling me this if I hadn't broken up with him, and he didn't have an answer for it. I'm really not sure what to do. I really do care about him, but I'm not not sure if I can go and try it again.
I believe in giving second chances to those who show positive and constructive change; and, therefore, truly deserve a second chance... but, only "1" second chance! And, 3 weeks after a painful break-up seems too soon to go that route. I think that you should give the idea more thought and wait to see signs of change before you decide whether or not to take him back!
Well I think it all depends on the reasons for the break up. Trust is a very sacred thing and once broken it's hard to get back. Although, it is possible to. It's hard to say, because I do believe people do deserve second chances but they have a lot to prove the second time around. You want to make sure it is not just a temporary fix or it will go back to exactly the same relationship you had before. People can change but you will have to give him the chance to prove that he has done this. It really is up to you. You can try to give it a shot but have a bit of a guard up just in case. But if you are totally over him then I don't know how worth it it is to go back and open up your heart again. It may be easier to keep moving forward. What do you feel in your heart?
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