Ok, so i'm stuck in a situation and have no clue what to do or how to go about doing it, so any help would be GREATLY appreciated. I have been dating a cop who lives with me for about a year and a half. He is a bit on the controlling side (what I wear, where I go, what i'm doing, wanting my passwords to accounts, etc.) I recently discovered his password for myspace and found an email he sent to a girl giving her his cell phone number which is not the cell phone number i have, or his male friends for that matter. I also double checked all the picture messages he has sent me which showed him shirtless and trying to show off his muscles, which if i go into the detail part of the message gives me the other numbers he has sent the pic to, and on the half naked pics of himself he has also sent it to this other cell phone. I just got a "spoof account" and called the cell number which conveniently has no recorded name on the voicemail. I so badly want to get my hands on this cell phone to see all the texts and so forth, but am not sure where he has it, it could be in his truck, in his police car, or locker at work. I just want solid concreate proof before i say anything. Does anybody have any ideas or advice??
First, you are no longer dating, but in a committed relationship if you are living with him. Relationships are based on mutual trust and respect. Many of my best friends are Chicago Police officers and just because you b/f is a cop doesn't mean that you have to live in relationship where you fear that he is a cop. You don't need to have solid proof of your suspiciousness. I would talk to him about your concerns and suspiciousness including feeling controlled. It's best to be upfront with issues immediately instead of sneaking around, which if caught can have consequences. If he finds out that you have been tampering with anything the relationship can take a turn that can lead to legal problems, so just be straight forward and communicate and if he is not ready for an honest relationship, then you both need to re-evaluate it. Good luck.
Wow u wouldn't happen to be dating my soon-to-be ex husband, would u?! LOL jk. My divorce is almost final, but he is also a cop, who had a secret cell phone. When we first started talking I had seen the cell phone and he told me it was a cell phone he only used to talk to his dad on. He gave me some "out there" lame excuse as to why he needed a seperate cell phone for his dad, and he was a very believable guy. One night when we were leaving his apartment, which is also basically where I started staying with him everynight at, we ran into his ex gf out in the parking lot in her car, watching his apartment! Well when she saw me she flipped out and followed us to where we went which was his mom's. He told me to go in while he asked what she wanted. While I was at the door about to go in she stuck her head out of the window and yelled that she wanted her phone back. Turned out, they had different services and he had the 2nd phone to talk to her on so they would get free mobile to mobile.
Here is my advice to u, and I REALLLLLLY hope u take it. GET OUT NOW! Don't stick around and try to prove anything. U know deep down what he is doing...thats why ur posting in this forum. I ended up staying with my cop, married him and had 2 kids with him, only to spend 5 yrs of my life miserable. He cheated on me the whole time off and on and I never knew it. He was controlling and left me at home 24/7 with the kids while he "worked" all the time. He controlled the finances and everything. Even marriage counseling at 2 different times in our life didn't help. I have now been going through a divorce for a year now and have 2 kids with a father who never sees them nor does he even call to talk to them. He has moved on to his next victim and I feel so very sorry for her. He has twins from a previous marriage that he pretty much abandoned when we got together, despite my trying to make him see them. Looking back I'm so glad I have my kids, but I really wish I would've dropped him the first time I found out about his lies. I could've saved myself years of heartache and would be further in my life than I am now. He was very manipulative. So please...trust ur gut instinct and if its telling u he's up to no good, then run away fast and NEVER look back! I wish I had someone to tell me this 6 yrs ago.
Thank you both so much for your advice. I'm just at a point where i feel so lost and don't know what to do. I have never physically seen this cell phone, but the email he sent to that girl through myspace proves he has one, but I don't want him to know i figured out the password to his myspace account. He is always so quick to want to look through my stuff and accusing me of flirting with men at work-which is not the case at all. He is such an affectionate person also and always tells me how much he loves me and talking about the future that it makes me so confused as to why he is doing what he is doing-i just don't understand. I feel so at a loss on what to do. If i were by chance able to find the cell phone in his truck do I take and and show it to him? If I don't find it because he has it work what would i do then? Maybe this sounds a bit childish, but I want to find the phone to see whats in there so he knows that I know that i'm not the one who was acting inappropriately and the whole time it was him, know what i mean. I just want that physical proff to kind of throw in his face.
I know exactly what u are going through. We naturally want the proof. In our hearts, we really want it to work out so we try to give them the benefit. We can't fathom how they could possibly run around on us, because we wouldn't do it to them. In my past relationships, the guy was so quick to blame me and was so jealous. This is because he had a guilty conscience. Just think of it the other way around. If u were doing it, ur mind would start turning and u would be thinking, "well if I'm doing this, then what could HE be doing?". My husband was so affectionate with me also. He was ur classic Romeo. He always said the sweetest things and did the sweetest things for me. When I found out about his lies, I spent all my time wondering what went wrong and why he did what he did, and I also spent lots of time trying to dig up stuff. I eventually realized it wasn't worth my time, and neither was he. It began to consume my life and really drug me down in the dirt. It took me a long time to realize this.
People who do these sort of things, do it because they aren't happy with themselves deep down inside. They may have low self esteem and feel they need constant reassurance from lots of people to fill a void. They will never change. Just look at my situation. Even after my ex was confronted, and he admitted what he did and said he was sorry, and that he wanted to fix things and keep his family together, he STILL couldn't stop what he was doing. He just tried to cover it better. He risked losing his family and children, and in the end, I realized he wasn't going to change. What will u do if u find the phone? Ull confront him about it. Then what? He'll tell u how sorry he is and it won't happen again. You will continue to spend the rest of ur relationship always worrying about what he's doing. Trust me, thats no way to live. As much as it hurt me, I had to tell myself that if my husband truly loved me, he wouldn't have betrayed me like he did. He had no respect for me. I know ur hurting, believe me, I KNOW. And its no fun. But the best thing u can do is respect urself and love YOU, and move on. There are plenty of men out there that would LOVE to have u and treat u right. I am now with the most amazing man, and I KNOW he would NEVER do those things to me. And it feels so good to be with someone that I trust completely and never question his motives. I really hope u do the right thing.
Thank you so much for sharing with me, it means a lot. If i did find the phone and saw that there are nothing but girls numbers and inappropriate texts and so forth being sent/received, then it's time for him to go. All the times when he's made me feel as if i'm the one doing something wrong, and i'm the one not to be trusted, when in actuality i have wanted nothing more than to settle down and be with him. He's quick to look through my cell phone, my pocket book, and even a safe i have in my closet, but i have never invaded his privacy like that. I just so badly want to find it so i can kind of throw it in his face that the whole time we have been together it's been him who has been the untrue and untrustworthy one. I'm just so frustrated and hurt at the whole situation. I can't keep my mind off of it, and it's so hard to try and act like nothing is wrong when he's around so i don't raise any suspicion with him.
trc, why are you playing this game? Wishing and hoping and praying that he isn't cheating, and needing more information than you already have before you force yourself to act is just a game, on your part.
Best not to waste even one more moment with this guy.
honostly...down the road, ur going to look back at all this (when ur with someone else and much happier) and ur gonna wonder why u didn't leave sooner! Been there, done that, wrote the book about it. It ALWAYS ends up the same way!
That cell number could just be a work phone number. Although, he probably wouldn't send those pictures to it. I would somehow figure out a way to make sure he is definitely cheating (i.e. flirty messages) and once you know that, possibly break up with him. He could possibly be cheating on you, and you are better than that.
If he gave a number to a girl on myspace then it's pretty obvious that he's not being faithful. Here's what you do, call that cell number and when he picks up you have your answer. Either way, you have your answers and really don't need solid proof. Although I understand your need for it. Just know that if your gut is telling you something is wrong, then most likely it is. Good luck.
He's a smooth one! I can tell you from experience that this guy is BAD NEWS! Yes he's controlling. He's controlling because he fears you are doing what he's doing! The guilty dog ALWAYS barks first. Go with your gut instinct and do what you think is best.
Thank You for your response, and please dont take offense to when i say this, but i'n not the one playing games or head games. I believe he is the one doing that if he has a second phone, and he is the one telling me he doesnt trust me and thinks im doing wrong, when in actuality it is him. I don't personnaly think that im playing games if i want to have proff that i am being cheated on-i dont think that is to much to ask. Like someone said in a previous post, it could possibly be a work phone and it could have been a coworker he gave his number to and i am paranoid that it is intended for other purposes. I dont want to jump the gun and accuse if there is nothing going on, however i am not naive, i would just like to see the phone and see for myself what is being corresponded, i dont think that is too much to ask.
He may never show you that phone. Have you thought of hiring a private investigator if you really want to know? Or you can just sit and wait it out. It will show itself eventually. Trust me, I'm an expert on that one. It may take awhile and you have to have patience but lies can only remain hidden for so long. Other than that, I don't think he's going to willingly hand over his phone to you. There is also software you can install on the computer which records keystrokes. You can see if he has any email accounts you were unaware of and get a hold of passwords for phone records and social networking sites. I just wish you luck. It's not fun finding out that the one you love is being unfaithful.
I have thought about hiring a PI, but I just dont want to waste my money on him. I have installed a keylogger on the computer which is how i got his myspace password and i have had it since Feb, but i just recently found an email from someone to him with his "cell phone" number on it. That email was dated back in January, so he has had it for a while now. I just saw that email because he apparently was ersing them and then that person sent a reply in had the thread of their conversation attached to it which is how i found out. So he's had it for a while and i have had no suspicion of it at all. I have called the number with a "spoof card" (it lets you put in whatever number you want to show up on a caller id) and the phone is active but has no recorded name on it like his regular cell does. I have called it a couple times with the spoof card, but he hasn't answered yet. I don't want to call to much because i dont want to raise suspicion, but i would like to see when he answers it because i may have an idea of where he might be keeping it. If he answers at work then he probably is keeping it in his police car, etc. It just really hurts to know he is doing this. And we were laying in bed last night and talking about our relationship and he kept saying how he hopes im not flirting with any guys at work stuff like that and then he said and i don't want any secretive stuff going on either. It took all my power not to say something right then and there, but i didn't want to blow anything. How dare he say that when he has a secret phone!!! I feel as if im stuck, i feel as if i have knowbody to talk to and im so glad i found this message board for help.
I remember going thru all of this with my ex. It hurt so bad. I've went thru it in 2 relationships. I'm finally at a point in my life where I have absolutely 0 intolerance for it. And I know someday u will get there. I look at this situation and think is she crazy?! Why does she stay with him?! But we've all done it. It's not a work phone he has because if it was he u would know about it. There's a reason he's not letting u know about it. And the stuff he was saying to u in bed...LOL I remeber those exact same conversations. It's his guilt showing. You will eventually wake up one day and have enough of it. Good luck.
This is just insane! Now one of the new "rules and regulations" i like to call it, is that i'm not allowed to wear my heals until i get to work, i must wear my tennis shoes and then change. Also he doesn't want me to go the hotdog vendor for lunch which is right outside the doors to my building. Plus i smoke (and so does he) and he doesn't want me going outside to smoke, he says its because i work in DC, which i just don't understand. Also, when i came home from work i got in the shower, but before i did i put my cell phone on the charger and set it a certain way on my end table so i would be able to tell if he messed with it-and low and behold guess who was digging through my cell phone when i was in the shower, i acted as if i didn't know he was looking through it. Then he has the nerve to question me about lying and being faithful to him, WTF, i just don't get it. I was also able to call the "secret" cell phone yesterday and he answered it. i'm trying to keep my cool, but it just seems to be getting harder and harder.
Honey, seriously you need to leave this a$$hole right now. No one has the right to tell you what you can or can't do/wear/go anything! He is a controller and it'll only get worse if you stay with him. Pretty soon, he'll try to determine who you can or can't be friends with(more than likely no one will be acceptable to be your friend to him) He may say he's just trying to protect you but it's absolute BS, he is trying to control you and that's signs of someone who may become mentally/psychically abusive!!
As to his secret phone. If it was used for work/family/friends or anything else it would not be a SECRET phone, you would know about it, because there would be no reason for you to not know about it. I hope that made sense lol The fact that you found out about this phone without him telling you about it says everything. He is not being honest with you and is hiding things with you. He could be cheating, and him giving his number away to a bunch of girls is definitely a clue that he doesn't respect you enough to be faithful and he isn't committed to you at all.
Bottom line, get out of the relationship asap. and just some more advice because it sounds like he could be a real a$$hole(and him being a cop doesn't help), try and end it as nicely as possible.
The reason he is so suspicious is because of his guilty conscience. When you have a clear conscience you trust everyone, when you have a guilty conscience you think everyone is guilty as well.
That is one of the benefits of having a clean conscience.
You can talk yourself into believing whatever you want, we all can. But in the end, we will have to face up to the truth. Sooner or later. The question is, when do you want this emotional torment to be over....sooner or later? You don't deserve such treatment.
I know you guys must think i'm stupid, but i just want to catch him to prove to myself that my suspicions were right, and also to show to him that the whole time it's been him that's in the wrong. You just get so tired of being accused and made to feel as if you have to constantly watch your back all the time, that i just want as much proof as i can to bust him and when i confront him let him weave himself a nice little nest of lies that i can whip the evidence out and shove right in his face. You know what i mean? I feel as if i have to do it for myself and in the end i will feel so much better especially when i give him the boot!
Sometimes, though, you just have to decide, it is just not worth the hassle, time, anxiety, etc, that it will take to "get what you are looking for." You are wanting some type of vindication and feel like this would prove it. In the end, what does that get you....just more nervous mess and time wasted.
You might be looking for evidence for a long time if he is good at hiding things. You need to stop this obsession with finding evidence and just end it or it will keep going on and on. Who knows, if he is fooling around then he might bring home a STD. And it is tough to prove who had it first so of course he will blame you.
He is not worth the time or effort...leave him to his other women and be done with it.
Months ago I caught my ex with a cellphone he was talking to a girl he had met at work on it, it wasn't anything intense so I let it go on the condition id break the phone.
We'll here I am months after discovery another one talking to the same girl and also escorts, I guess it's my fault should have learned my lesson. Oh and he's mad cause I won't give him the phone back. Lol I guess I'm the bad guy.
I can't say it doesn't hurt, cause I'm dying inside. But I know I deserve more and I know it'll just continue to happen :'(
Although you may not wish to admit this, your relationship had "trust" issues even before you got his password. It is a dead end. Once the trust is lost the relationship is never the same.
I wish I could make people understand that once you start "snooping" around your partner in a relationship it can only end badly. NOW, What do you do with the info you thought you were so smart for finding IF you confront him with it you will loose his trust, and he has every right to be angry with you.
Put yourself in his place --you do not like him controlling you and if he confronted you with something he found by "snooping" how would you handle that. I dare say you would be furious that he was so insecure in your relationship , he felt the need to go behind your back to find validation for his mistrust in you.
I think it is time to move on. No confrontations are needed , you already know he is not right for you. No adult should "dictate" to another on what they want you to be...period. Once that happens it sets the stage for an abusive, albeit mental, relationship.
You do not have to prove anything to him , he'll know you were much wiser than he thought. Let him find another who will not mind being controlled.
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