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should I leave?
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should I leave?

I have 4 kids. Been with my parner for 5 years.  At first it wad great.  He helped me through really difficult times. Now I feel like hes just taking the **** out of me.  He works in a bank. Gives me stupid money each month. I do everything.  I pay for everything.  His excuse is his mum always dif things for him but so did my mum. Its stressful  enough looking after the kids but I then have to pick up after him. Have his dinner on the table waiting.  He doesn't appreciate the small things I do for him. Tonight I was waiting up all night.  He strolls in drunk like nothing happened.  I didn't eat or anything  but then he lies to me alot. I just dont know what to do.  It seems that the only thing hes interested in is his stupid games.  Wheres my break? Am I wrong or should we break up?
13 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
I think a LONG and HONEST conversation should be the first order of business ❕❗ You didn't create the children alone nor should you have to raise them alone. It's time for him to get a reality check. It doesn't sound like your problems are so severe that they can't be worked out if that's what you BOTH want. It takes TWO and you can't fix it alone. Best of luck to you and please keep us updated.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  Do you work?  I'm a stay at home mom myself.  Some days I feel really tired and under appreciated too.  But I also know that I'm blessed to not have to deal with the pressure of an outside job or financially supporting my family.  My end of the bargain with my husband is that I take care of the house and kids.  But this is what I agreed to do.

When you say you pay for everything, what do you mean?  You are working as well?

Anyway, I think it is fair to come to an agreement about some of the household chores.  And I think everyone needs some 'me' time.  Plan maybe 3 or 4 hours on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon (when bank is closed!) and he watches the kids and you just relax or do what you want.  Honestly, I have often spent my 'me' time cleaning.  But that is because I do it best when no one is around.  I turn up the tv or radio and just crank it out.  But when I'm not doing that, I'm shopping, going out to lunch, reading, etc.  You need that time once a week, I think .  Even if it is just an hour.

Do you two ever go on dates?  
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Avatar_n_tn
I study midwifery at the moment . I pay all the bills. U pay for food  I buy everything our children needs. Hes just got rhis arrogant unsympathetic attitude on him like its expected , , everything should be done for him . With four children I guarantee I work harder than him so wheres my dinner?  His face is in his phone.  When I try to talk ro him he just point blank dosnt want ro listen.  The lies are worrying me too lately.  Don't want any of this to have a adverse effect on the kids.  A little appreciation wouldn't hurt.  Just at my witsend. I tthought relasionships were supposed to be fifty fifty. Thanks for replying ladies.  I dont really have friends. Im disabled.  Bit of a recluse. Maybw he knows that?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm, is this with your disability check that you pay for things since you aren't yet working as a midwife?  

I'm just a little confused.  

If you are spending money on raising your family and living costs that is from a disability check rather than your leaving the house and working, I'm not sure why that is a problem for you to be honest.  You'd be doing that if you were on your own any way.  It's not like you are leaving the house and are exhausted from work and coming home to having tons to do.  Or is it?  (trying to understand that part).

Don't think I'm not unsympathetic to you.  I do take care of the vast majority of household tasks and raising of the kids as well.  But I see it as something I want to be doing, part of our deal.  he deals with the pressure of an outside job.  Does he contribute financially in any way?  What does he do with his pay check?

Are you married?  I ask only because it is unusual for a couple to see one person earning more money as using 'their' money for bills.  Most couples combine finances.  ??  I think having some money on the side that is just for you is important but the rest as combined income is probably a good idea.  Because it sounds like you resent paying bills with 'your' money.  

I guess I do agree he should be appreciative though.  You ARE using a check you receive whether disability or pay check and it helps a lot.  That should be valued by your partner.  

How about you give him a list of what you need him to do this weekend.  Don't make it long but put three things on it.  Then schedule an hour to go read your book while he properly handles the kids.  Just tell him he has to.  What would he do?

When you say he lies, what is he lying about??  

anyway, sounds hard and I'm sorry you are frustrated.  Is any of this new behavior?
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Avatar_n_tn
Actually its money that I earn by working when im not studying. I used to be a hairdresser so in my spare time I do freelance hairdressing snd i design baby clothes though its more of a hobbie . If I didnt nothing would get done. Of course I resent paying for everything.  Im not a walk over.  I believe that in this day and age things should be fare. Straight down the line. He uses the water too so he should contribute to something surely.  Lying as in saying he is at a meeting when in fact hes drinking. Talking to certain people people who he said he dosnt ect. He leaved his beer cans and clothes every where for me to clear up. Just so frustrating.  I have brittle asthma, osteoporosis and a few other problems.  I could quite eady be sat on my arse but instead im struggling through it with no help from no one.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, it does sound unfair.  yes, I agree.  I commend you for finding a way to make money--  doing the hair design and some time in the near future you will have your job as a mid wife.  Cool on the baby clothes design.  You sound very creative which is great.  

ugh, I don't know what to tell you,.  Does he have a drinking problem?  It sounds like it.  He doesn't use his money to pay bills??  what does he do with the money he gets for working at the bank??  

I think I'd talk to him and tell him exactly where you are at (which is that you are done waiting for him to help, done waiting for him to work hard and to contribute more financially).  that he either starts doing more or you are seeing this relationship as not working.  

Now you have 4 kids in five years.  Wow, that's a lot of kids really fast.  Is this changed behavior?  I only ask because you will need to think within yourself why you found the way he is acceptable while being with him that amount of time and after that amount of kids.  (As in, if he was a lazy butt after one kid . . .   he would be more so after 4).  You don't want to repeat any negative patterns in choosing men so will need to think about what you saw in him that kept you there all this time and this many kids later.

it's really hard.  do you have any other family support?
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Avatar_n_tn
Well I have triplets who are 1 and my 4 year old.  So that explains 4 kiss in 5 years lol he was great at first.  A real help.  Then he started to get comfortable.  That's how I look on it. I have no iswa where his money goes. I thought maybe on his gaming addiction? combined with drink and extravagant lunches.  I dont like the small lies aa they can easy turn into big ones. He is kind and considerate.  Hw used to make me laugh.  That's what I loved.  I have to basically beg for us to have a houe from the children to talk.  He doesn't initiate anything.  Feel like we're growing apart wich is a shame.  I have no family.  He has his mum . Hw relys on her to do what hw should do I.e if I ask him to change a baby hw will ask her if she's around.  Hes not at all self sufficient.
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4522800_tn?1405696702
Hi..Well this is a sad situation for sure. I would have a BIG Serious talk with him. Tell him you feel like you are doing this all alone and if that is the case then You will.
Sounds to me that if he is drinking and spending money somewhere else then He has a deep serious problem and maybe some kind of addiction. Not sure but the Lies and spending money (other then) and being gone is what we do when we have addiction or a serious emotional issue that we run from. You really need to get to the root of all of this.
I will be married 28 years next month and We Do Help each other. We both would work and split the chores sometimes. He would cook and do the dishes sometimes and laundry. It all depends on what we do at the time. We share the out side chores like in the winter we both do the wood and stack it and shovel off the pouches. I have my gardens and he has the mowing and snow removal in winter. He works hard in our business so I do try to do most of the House Work but he is also a better cook..Ha!
We also both will pay certain bills but it is still considered ONE. 2 accounts and we use them both..I wish you the best and a nice Talk is what you need to do..Try to find out why or what or where he is coming from.
Bless
PS Have him take the Kids by Himself here and there for a few hours a day or on the weekends..
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13167_tn?1327197724
lils,  I read through this and am still confused about the money issue.

You say in your first post that he gives you "stupid money",  which in  my vocabulary means he gives you outrageous huge amounts of money.   People I know say "he made stupid money in real estate",   "I have a daily allowance for travel that's just stupid money",  meaning huge amounts.

That's not what you're saying,  though?  You're saying he works at a bank and he gives you very little money,  and you support a family of 6 by occasionally cutting hair?  I don't get what you're saying - could you be even more specific than you were?

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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi also, i think SMom is on the right track point about this being about you.
Ok hes not the best husband but sounds kinda typical and what your going through happens to most in long term relationships. You loose intimacy and the sweetness that was there when you first met.

Realize that sweetness and gentleness was a tool being used to win  you over and now that he has you, he only uses the tool to get something else from you as he now has your heart and i thing this goes both ways.

If he your man and you love him and he loves you, then focus this latter part of your life on gaining social success and building a strong financial empire. He doing his part at work and if you find something of interest to bring in money then he wont be the crux of your need to get the materialistic things that your heart always desired.

Being a financial success will bring you freedom and independence and not make hubby the center of  your world. You are the center of your world and it offers great things for those willing to go after there dreams.

Its never too late to be famous!
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Avatar_n_tn
I don't want materials first and foremost.  I want fairness.  This is the 21st century after all.  If I wanted to be a single parent I would be but he wanted the kids as muchdas me so it has to be equal.  I'll be successful as im that way inclined without any ones help. I just wsnt fairness and honesty in my relationship.  Is that too much to ask. I don't want my relasionship to die . I esnt the spark to still be there.  Yes amazingly I keep my family going by cutting hair and selling my designed baby clothes.  He pays for the odd dinner.  Dosnt sound fair too me though more than that I just wsnt his time.  Im putting everything in for nothing it seems.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
Its about you realizing your full potential as a person independent of your relationship.
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Avatar_n_tn
I think your missing the point.  I couldn't be more independent.  We never see each other lol I think your idea of a relationship is slightly warped.  I studied counselling once upon a time and being able to empathise is a main quality to have when trying to advise someone. Thanks for the feedback however.
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