Aa
should I leave my husband?
we are living together for 7 years now and it seems there is nothing about me that attracts him anymore.
we have a one year old son and honestly he is the best thing out of this marriage!
I dont work so financially im dependent on him and I dont have family support ( my family live in Iran) I have just one aunt who lives like 6-7 hours drive from where I live.
he is not the bad guy, actually very charming with strangers and friends but totally different at home. we dont argue that much but he ignores me most of the time, he likes to give me silent treatment instead of arguing and after the baby came he is getting worse and worse. Im home with a baby taking care of everything, all the chores+ shopping + baby,... with NO HELP AT ALL, and if you are a mom you know what im talking about and when he is home he is mostly with computer or make himself busy with SOMETHING there is no talking, not much helping, no sex and no intimacy and in general no interactions. he plays with our son and I know he loves him but Im the one who does 90% of taking care of him...
he avoids me as much as possible. and God knows Im not that sort of bitchy wife , I dont know what I have done that he is treating me like this. I know he doesnt have an affair but cant understand WHY HE IS DOING THIS???sometimes I think maybe its his culture (he is Asian and Im from Iran) I dont know :((
like every other couple we have some issues of course, but he hates to face them and talk about them in grown up ways...
maybe all of it sounds stupid but if you were living with it as long as Im doing yo would get nuts just like me...
If I was secured financially, surly I would consider to separate from him at least temporarily but now that Im not working and I have a baby too, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO that he gets back to his senses...
I know maybe you suggest "get a job, get a life!" but its not that easy right now, Im here in US on visa ( we moved here from europe 2 years ago because of his job) and I need a work permit and Im not sure in this economy if I can
get a job.... feel soooooooooo desperate and alone :(( what would you do if you were me????
we have a one year old son and honestly he is the best thing out of this marriage!
I dont work so financially im dependent on him and I dont have family support ( my family live in Iran) I have just one aunt who lives like 6-7 hours drive from where I live.
he is not the bad guy, actually very charming with strangers and friends but totally different at home. we dont argue that much but he ignores me most of the time, he likes to give me silent treatment instead of arguing and after the baby came he is getting worse and worse. Im home with a baby taking care of everything, all the chores+ shopping + baby,... with NO HELP AT ALL, and if you are a mom you know what im talking about and when he is home he is mostly with computer or make himself busy with SOMETHING there is no talking, not much helping, no sex and no intimacy and in general no interactions. he plays with our son and I know he loves him but Im the one who does 90% of taking care of him...
he avoids me as much as possible. and God knows Im not that sort of bitchy wife , I dont know what I have done that he is treating me like this. I know he doesnt have an affair but cant understand WHY HE IS DOING THIS???sometimes I think maybe its his culture (he is Asian and Im from Iran) I dont know :((
like every other couple we have some issues of course, but he hates to face them and talk about them in grown up ways...
maybe all of it sounds stupid but if you were living with it as long as Im doing yo would get nuts just like me...
If I was secured financially, surly I would consider to separate from him at least temporarily but now that Im not working and I have a baby too, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO that he gets back to his senses...
I know maybe you suggest "get a job, get a life!" but its not that easy right now, Im here in US on visa ( we moved here from europe 2 years ago because of his job) and I need a work permit and Im not sure in this economy if I can
get a job.... feel soooooooooo desperate and alone :(( what would you do if you were me????
COMMUNITY LEADER
Also, as to your question about should you do it forever. Well, it has not been that long yet as this started after you had your child. You owe it to your child to try to make this work. When the time to give up happens, you'll have no doubt. I hope it doesn't come to that though.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, your husband uses passive aggressive anger to manipulate you and get what he wants. Not healthy.
He is, however, indicating that you have not much energy left over for him. He also is indicating that he isn't being heard in your relationship. I don't know about the second one----------- you can't agree every time with someone. But if you feel like your spouse will disagree with you every time. . . that is frustrating. Does that happen?
Here is what I would do. Get a date night going. Every Saturday or Friday, hire a babysitter for 2 or 3 hours and spend some time alone with your husband. Make it a ritual for time for just the two of you. Don't always make it a time for heavy conversation and problem solving but do the things that you like to do together. See a movie, go out to dinner, or have a picnic in a park. Things that you enjoy as a couple. Try to rebuild a connection.
I think at some point when you are NOT in a fight, mention that he uses his silence to manipulate you and that this is unfair. But don't use the word "you". Say, *I* feel as if I'm being manipulated when silence is used as the weapon. Because that is what he is doing. He gets you to make up and take the responsibility by this action. Getting him to express his anger in more appropriate ways is a good goal.
Sometimes when he has an idea that you don't agree with-------- tell him that you hear what he is saying and it is valid. (in fact, repeating back with "If I hear you correctly, you are saying ######". So he knows that his opinion does count even if you don't agree. Then you can ask HIM what a compromise would be. I also think that if you look at everything that brings conflict to your marriage on a scale------- it helps. A range of 1 to 10 is assigned to it. 10 is the things that are the most important and no compromise is acceptable. This should be very very few things in your life. 1 are the things you could really care less about. You probably should have a lot of these. Your husband has his own range to apply to things. So what might be a 10 to you is a 4 to him. That means that you would expect him to appease you for your most important things. But you have to remember that he'll have some things that are more important to him------- and you'll have to appease him. But it is helpful for a couple to think about things in this way to decide when a compromise is needed and who should do more of it on a particular subject.
good luck
He is, however, indicating that you have not much energy left over for him. He also is indicating that he isn't being heard in your relationship. I don't know about the second one----------- you can't agree every time with someone. But if you feel like your spouse will disagree with you every time. . . that is frustrating. Does that happen?
Here is what I would do. Get a date night going. Every Saturday or Friday, hire a babysitter for 2 or 3 hours and spend some time alone with your husband. Make it a ritual for time for just the two of you. Don't always make it a time for heavy conversation and problem solving but do the things that you like to do together. See a movie, go out to dinner, or have a picnic in a park. Things that you enjoy as a couple. Try to rebuild a connection.
I think at some point when you are NOT in a fight, mention that he uses his silence to manipulate you and that this is unfair. But don't use the word "you". Say, *I* feel as if I'm being manipulated when silence is used as the weapon. Because that is what he is doing. He gets you to make up and take the responsibility by this action. Getting him to express his anger in more appropriate ways is a good goal.
Sometimes when he has an idea that you don't agree with-------- tell him that you hear what he is saying and it is valid. (in fact, repeating back with "If I hear you correctly, you are saying ######". So he knows that his opinion does count even if you don't agree. Then you can ask HIM what a compromise would be. I also think that if you look at everything that brings conflict to your marriage on a scale------- it helps. A range of 1 to 10 is assigned to it. 10 is the things that are the most important and no compromise is acceptable. This should be very very few things in your life. 1 are the things you could really care less about. You probably should have a lot of these. Your husband has his own range to apply to things. So what might be a 10 to you is a 4 to him. That means that you would expect him to appease you for your most important things. But you have to remember that he'll have some things that are more important to him------- and you'll have to appease him. But it is helpful for a couple to think about things in this way to decide when a compromise is needed and who should do more of it on a particular subject.
good luck
well, we have always had some issues even before the baby but after the baby I guess Im too tired and too busy to make as much efforts as before so thats why we are falling apart more and more.
there hasnt been ever some big or important problems between us but he kind of likes to sweat on any tiny things and then gives me silent treatment. and Ive always been the one who wanted to discuss our problems and work it out. he usually wont start talking if I dont make up with him even if its his fault, yes!
usually when something happens and it doesnt need to be something big, he is going to be quiet forever, I have tried anything, once I didnt talk for 2-3 weeks either and there was just silent.... but finally I couldnt take it and again it was me who broke the silence....
and usually when I want to make up he listens and usually he says " it doesnt work for us so lets end it, we both will be happier or something like this"
yesterday he told me something very interesting, we were talking about respecting and he told me respect means when he says or asks something I agree with him!!!!!!!
and I assume if I dont, Im acting like the KING of the house! sigh...
Im agreed with sugar thing, and its the only thing that has kept us together but isnt it too much? should I keep doing it forever?
there hasnt been ever some big or important problems between us but he kind of likes to sweat on any tiny things and then gives me silent treatment. and Ive always been the one who wanted to discuss our problems and work it out. he usually wont start talking if I dont make up with him even if its his fault, yes!
usually when something happens and it doesnt need to be something big, he is going to be quiet forever, I have tried anything, once I didnt talk for 2-3 weeks either and there was just silent.... but finally I couldnt take it and again it was me who broke the silence....
and usually when I want to make up he listens and usually he says " it doesnt work for us so lets end it, we both will be happier or something like this"
yesterday he told me something very interesting, we were talking about respecting and he told me respect means when he says or asks something I agree with him!!!!!!!
and I assume if I dont, Im acting like the KING of the house! sigh...
Im agreed with sugar thing, and its the only thing that has kept us together but isnt it too much? should I keep doing it forever?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. you've gotten a lot of comments already but you wrote something that stuck out to me. His comment that you are "king" of the house so he ignores you bothers me. What that says to me is that he feels like he has a life outside the home and no place in it. He may feel like the pay check and that his thoughts and opinions don't count. I could be off base but a lot of men feel that way. Some men are not quite sure where they fit in after a child enters the picture.
So an important question for you is what was your relationship like prior to the baby? Did you talk then, were you close then? Did this start after the baby or was it there before?
So an important question for you is what was your relationship like prior to the baby? Did you talk then, were you close then? Did this start after the baby or was it there before?
I am sorry you are going through this! I am going to have to agree with Teko. Men are very strange at dealing with their emotions, and when we try to talk to them about ours after they have worked all day they see it as they come home to nagging. Men want praise just like we would.
I am only saying this because I have been married for 6 years. Just recently, I have been home (I am pregnant on bedrest from work) and have noticed this already about my husband... if he walks through the door and I start telling him he doesn't do enough of this or that he shuts down right away. So, what I have been doing is what Teko suggested instead of trying to talk about my feelings right away. I will send him a text or call him during the day and tell him that I can't stop thinking about him and can't wait to see him. I will greet him with lots of affection when he gets home and tell him how much I appreciate him (I can't cook or clean or drink because I am on bedrest or else I would). After all of this praise and attention at the end of the night... I will just simply ask for what I want... not have some long discussion just come out and ask/tell him.. and I haven't been ignored once since approaching things this way. Men are much less complex than us women =)
Try the sugar !!!
I am only saying this because I have been married for 6 years. Just recently, I have been home (I am pregnant on bedrest from work) and have noticed this already about my husband... if he walks through the door and I start telling him he doesn't do enough of this or that he shuts down right away. So, what I have been doing is what Teko suggested instead of trying to talk about my feelings right away. I will send him a text or call him during the day and tell him that I can't stop thinking about him and can't wait to see him. I will greet him with lots of affection when he gets home and tell him how much I appreciate him (I can't cook or clean or drink because I am on bedrest or else I would). After all of this praise and attention at the end of the night... I will just simply ask for what I want... not have some long discussion just come out and ask/tell him.. and I haven't been ignored once since approaching things this way. Men are much less complex than us women =)
Try the sugar !!!
I'm not married or anything, but this has been happening with my parents. I would first ask him... have I done anything wrong to hurt you in any way? Maybe get a babysitter and have a night out too. I have noticed that many couples do need to get away together some times go to dinner or see a movie. There's a really funny movie out called Date Night. Definitely recommend seeing it. Very funny and maybe it would wake him up a bit. Has to do with couples, but in a comedy way. If that doesn't work try marriage counseling.
You sound like you live a very lonely life and I dont think you are as alone in this as you feel. I think many marriages are like this. As far as what to do? Well, my mama always told me you get more using sugar than vinegar. So I would start with the sugar. Nice meal, good conversation (stroking their ego helps alot). Do all those things that some stranger would do that makes them feel wanted, understood and needed. If a babysitter is out of the question, then put them in early for bed and share a drink, cup of coffee or whatever. Talk about nothing, everything, his work, everything except your problems for now and see how he responds. C if he starts coming around, keep at it for awhile to see if its gonna work. If this doesnt work after a reasonable amount of time, (days or weeks), then ask him what his freaking problem is! Outright! And then listen if he is talking, if he is not talking, they you talk and tell him everything on your mind and what your guessing is on his! But try the sugar first.
I do try to talk to him and Im always the initiator, but its usually oneside try. he thinks we are different and he doesnt believe in relationship workout and thats the main problem, lack of communication.........
just last night when I started to talk about it, he said you just repeat and repeat, its working or not thats the way it is and we cant do anything about it ... he said I think Im the king of the house and he cant stand it so he ignores me in return!!! its the most rediculous thing that I have heard, he is the bossy one and everyone knows that...
its long time we have lost the spark and having a baby just makes the gap between us deeper
just last night when I started to talk about it, he said you just repeat and repeat, its working or not thats the way it is and we cant do anything about it ... he said I think Im the king of the house and he cant stand it so he ignores me in return!!! its the most rediculous thing that I have heard, he is the bossy one and everyone knows that...
its long time we have lost the spark and having a baby just makes the gap between us deeper
hi i can see you are going through a hard time at the moment sorry to here that it is hard when people won t talk it out .This is wat i think make him a lovely dinner get someone to my the kid for the night and ask him wat is wrong ask him dose he still love you,and tell him your worried for ye"r marriage.
Have you tried communicating with him about your unhappiness? Have you tried being the initiator when it comes to affection? It sounds like he's just gotten all too comfortable with things and makes no effort in keeping the spark alive. You are roommates basically. Ask him if he's happy? Ask him what he needs from you and tell him what you need from him. Do you go on dates? You both need to get reconnected here.
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