should I stay or leave my girlfriend?

Hi, I would like to use this opportunity to ask for advice from someone who doesn't personally know me or my girlfriend:

I have been with my girlfriend for more than 7 years, and we are both in our late 20's. For five years we had a great relationship, we were good friends and enjoyed a good sexual life. The last couple of years she has lost sexual desire for me. We used to have sex 2-3 times a week, but now little more than 1 time a month! I am not happy with that, and feel very frustrated. I cheated on her once about a year ago, but have not told her, because I am ashamed of it. After some time we finally started talking about the sex problem, and she also feels bad, because she loves me but cannot satisfy me. We have tried wathcing porn together and talking about fantasies etc, but she is plainly not as hungry on sex as I am. I love her too, and we are still good friends and have many things in common.

I am sort of a "one woman guy", and have always thought of her as my life partner and future mother of my children. With the trashy sex life, I am afraid I will lose my control again when I go out drinking and pick up some other girl.
To prevent that, I have started watching lots of porn, smoke more weed than I used to, and aquired other bad habits.

I don't think she  r e a l l y  knows how much sex means to me; I cannot do without it. It is also humiliating to be rejected in bed several times. I know I am attractive and can get other girls, but I am afraid to lose what I have now. Besides, will it be any different with any other girl? I have heard that the majority of women lose their sexual desire for their partners after several years in a relationship.


What should I do?

I look forward to suggestions from both guys and girls!

[kris123]

Leave and find someone who is better suited for you.  You cheated on her, if you loved her as much as you say you wouldn't have done that.  If you can't reslve your issue of sex with her, you never will.  You can try try try, but if you still feel like you will cheat - leave.  It is not fair to her that you cheat.  I wouldn't want to be with a man who cheats or picks up some woman in a bar.  

[vsentz]

my first advice........go to a sex therapyst.
my second advice.......stop that very NASTY habit of doing drugs. Not a true turn on for a woman.......AT ALL.
my third advice......instead of 'switching' a good healthy life you could have with your woman for a nasty lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc.......why don't you just sit a moment to think about what YOU are doing that might cause her to not desire you. Have you ever thought about it?......maybe those habits you have, who knows, maybe the way you burp (an example) in front of her.....or maybe the foreplay is not too focused on her.....or not long enough?? do you romance her??? do you kiss her???

Definetelly, if you want a HEALTHY relationship, you NEED to start kicking the UNHEALTHY lifestyle you have, and after 'fixing' yourself, and seeking couple's help, then you could think maybe it's not meant to be....???

Good luck.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

And you will never have a relationship where sexual desire doesn't come and go.  I have a teenager, a 3.5 year old and am 20 weeks pregnant.  I run a business and serve on a couple of volunteer boards, as does my husband.

Sometime it is a LONG time between romance.  Just makes it all the sweeter when we do connect.

I think you should leave this woman.  You have already cheated on her.  

And I agree with vs, clean up your act.

[matthew78]

I did not watch porn when we had a good sexual relationship, that was something I started doing as a substitute. And yes, I do kiss her and give her lots of attention. What's more, I don't see the reason for going to a sex therapist because I want to have sex more than once a month with my girlfriend?

But you are right that I have to clean up my act in some areas. I am working on it.

anxiousmomtobe: Yes, sexual desire comes and goes. That is natural, and has happened to both of us in the past. Now it seems to have stabilised on a low level, however.

[vsentz]

Oh, i understood that part......but i don't think it's helping.....besides, why do you watch porn for? frustrate yourself even more?
Mathew, at least me, I don't think that's the best decision you can make......and yes, it sounds silly to you, but if you think there's an issue with your sexuality, YES, the best thing you can do (I am assuming you two already sat million times to have a discussion about this and can't get into an agreement?) is go seek professional HELP. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's if you wanna improve your sexual life, if not, then keep doing your drugs, infest your computer with porn-site viruses and cheat on your woman......but i can tell you the outcome for that right now........2 VERY hurt people........and one of them in rehab.....
I'm glad you pay attention to her....and kiss her and romance her......, but really, ask yourself, without justifying at all........what am i doing to keep her away???? or what are the circumstances that she doesn't feel comfortable? maybe the place is too dirty?? (another example.....) or....who knows!...

Have you ask her directly??? what does she say?? if she just says 'i dont know'......i think a sex therapyst will help bring out the issue easier.....
;)

[Trialanderror]

If she is the woman of your life and you always imagined having children with her, I would really not toss that relationship yet. I think you sound pretty responsible, less the cheating and the weed..... While other guys would have a bunch of girlfriends lined up on the side at the first sign that their partner does not fulfill their needs, you have kept yourself pretty much "under control". You have to find out if she has a specific reason for reduced desires. Maybe she went on the pill and that changed her libido, maybe she thinks you have certain phantasies that she can not live up to. You never know - and we don`t know here either. Maybe she has different goals in life now and is not sure if you can be part of it. No idea. If you are happy watching porn for the rest of your life, okay, but try to find answers and a common denominator. It is not that all females lose their desires after a while but you do not often get the perfect package of great sexuality, intelligence, looks, personality, humour etc. in one person. You may have to decide which trait is the most important for you for the next decade or more before you talk to her.

[Haremiliana]

First when you want sex from her asked her if she reject, at least you've tried, try to do other things - good things like reading etc. whenever you feel like it (I know its difficult), don't have it with others its unhealthy because the next time you will have the urge tendency for you to do it again is greater. Don't leave her for another relationship that you won't know wheater it's gonna workout or not. Sit down and have a serious talk with her. Tell her your problems and tell her what you've done, about the part you cheated on her is up to you, you can tell her if you think she's going to be your soul mate (you don't want to have any secret with them) but if you think otherwise then it's better to keep some secret to yourself... Good luck keep posting.

[RockRose]

Hmmm.  I agree with some of  your statement,  that women often don't realize that most healthy men need sex to function,  they don't just want sex as an outside hobby.  I really think many women really don't understand that.

But I'm kind of curious about your relationship in general.  Seven years is a LONG TIME for a couple who intends to spend their life together,  and have future children together,  without getting married.   It's like you're in dating limbo.  I wouldn't put out for a guy who dated me for 7 years and thought I'd be the future mother of his children but didn't marry me.  

One final thought,  has she been on birth control pills this whole time?  Because that knocked my sex drive to zero,  and truthfully,  having sex even once a month would have been a grim chore.    If she's in her late 20's and really has virtually no libido,  and is on the pill,  maybe she should consider using another form of birth control to feel normal again.

Best wishes.  I don't think you should stay in a relationship where your girlfriend has no interest in sex,  you aren't married and there are no kids to think about.  

[Crystal_01]

ok i will give u my situation. I am a girl and have been with my bf for 2 years now..my sex drive is wayyyy low and it is because we never do anything anymore,
he never compliments me or says he loves me out of no where and the passion is just gone, then when it comes to bed time he just says wanna have sex? im like ohh yeah let me tell you you just really turned me on!. but really what goes on outside the bedroom effects what happens in the bedroom and thats why i dont want him lately. but yeah thats my own experience so maybe ur girl is going through the same thing? if i were to give my bf advice on what to do i would say act like we just met, clean ur house before i come over, brush ur teeth when u know im on my way, actually engage in conversations with me.
When we just watch t.v and talk about work all day its not really a turn on.
be cute, say some jokes, show some personality, some interest, show me you love me.

[waitingwithhope]

Your relationship has evolved over time where it is now comfortable. Your gf not having sex with you is not a justifiable reason for your self-destructive behavior (drugs, cheating, etc.). Either you absolutely love her to pieces and you are ok with the fact that this might be how it is forever (or it still could change and get better) or you break it off with her. It all depends on what your priorities are and what you feel you can handle. It is totally unfair to her, though, to go out drinking (and use that also as an excuse) and find someone for sex. If that is what you want, break it off with her. I am sure there are plenty of women out there who would be interested in what you are interested in (just don't make them your gf and you will be able to get what you want all the time). However, if you want a long-term relationship than you must also take with the package that relationships change drastically over time. It could be that after therapy or even just talking your way through this that the sex life will come back. It probably won't ever be as frequent as the beginning of a relationship, but love is so much more than sex.

[matthew78]

Thanks a lot for the comments!

We are going through a tough period, but have decided not to give up on each other yet. It has been interesting to hear your views on this, and some of the suggestions are certainly worth considering. But it is also kind of strange to discuss this intimate topic with strangers, so I will leave it there.

Kind regards,
bbb

[mami1323]

Not everyone's intentions in life are to get married.  You seem to respond to everyone on this board that if they are not married there is something wrong.  Can you give advise without the notion of them getting married.  I do believe in marriage but I'm not going to shove it down everyone's throats.  It comes when the person is ready for it and by the sounds of this poster their relationship is taking a turn for the worse.  It would have been worse if they were married.  They were obviously young when they first started dating and took their time to grow and develop.  People in their 20's change a whole lot throughout that time and although they were close in the beginning, they may have grown apart.  It happens to a lot of people.  Part of sustaining a relationship sexually and emotionally is making an effort.  Try to make the sparks fly again, mention some new things to spice things up.  Cheating is not the answer and neither is drugs.  If there is still no hope, try counseling because 7 years is a long time to let go just like that.  Maybe this relationship just ran it's course.  If you want it to work than the only thing left to do is try.

[vsentz]

there was another thread that became a HUUUUGE stink because of that same thing.
There were people in there with different opinions, but people that were not married were kind of looked down on.....and of course, some of them didn't help fighting back with name-calling and look down on married people as well........and it just turned nasty.

i agree with you tho, even tho i am married, there's couples i look up to that are not married, been together forever and love each other more than a lot of married couples out there....;)

that's just my opinion......eachone their own....

[mami1323]

Thing is I grew up in a single family home and it didn't make me not want to get married.  I'm engaged now and expecting a child and plan on getting married very soon.  I have friends that want to get married but if it doesn't happen than so be it.  The pressure of getting married sometimes forces people into situations that aren't necessarily good for them.  I think that if people took their time to get to know someone and than decided that it's best for them both to make that committment than that's their decisions.  

You are so right though to each his/her own.  I'm sure that this is a very heated topic and it could cause a lot of debate.  Marriage is a beautiful thing but isn't for everyone.  My fiance was married before and it went so bad that when we met he swore he would never get married again...but over time as we connected, fell in love and developed that friendship, his opinion on marriage changed.  My mother never believed in marriage because her parent's marriage was so dysfunctional, she never wanted that for herself but she never forced her opinions of marriage onto me and let me make my own decisions regarding it.  

[vsentz]

awweeeee....you should feel very fortunate, but mostly special about being able to change a man's perspective about marriage.Congratulations on your little bean!!!! I am sure nothing can be more perfect in your life than what it is now.......=))

I totally agree, marriage is not for everyone, and the ones that just get married because 'that's what the society dictates....or church....or fear of living in sin...' is just as pathetic as saying 'baaaaaaaaahhhhh' while following the rest of the sheep......

=)) good luck to ya!

[mami1323]

Thank you for the well wishes.  It's a very exciting time and I have been so grateful to all the ladies here who supported me while I was ttc for over a year.  I look forward to helping others on this post the way people have helped me.

[inmyeyes]

Personally I feel that everyone has been way too hard on Matt.  Speaking from experince being in a relationship with a woman who doesnt want to have sex with you is a living nightmare..espwcialy when you are an attractive man who women are drawn to. I am not condoning the cheating or drugs though.

Some women do not appreciate that for some men sex isnt just about the physical release.  It is also about feeling desired by your spouse.  Condisering that there are billions of people on the planet It is not fair to ask someone to be with you and only you but not fulfill them.  This works both ways (for men and women)

My advice would be yes stop the bad habbits and the cheating and try the advice that the female in the group have given (because i certainly will). As in the compliments, spice things up and all that. If that doesnt work then LEAVE HER.!! because there will only be pain down the line

Good luck

Peace!

[bGldSqr]

Hello my friend,

I am 31 years old and I have had a few serious relationships in my twenties.  I still Love all the women I've been with and it hurts to leave or be left very much every time.  My advice to you is that you should re-frame from ever cheating on her again, and as far as that is concerned I'm sure you can forgive your self, life will, just don't do it again, if you really love her.  *** stay with her if she loves you too and treat each other with respect and maintain that trust because if the trust is ever broken, its over its just a matter of time.  ***Its sounds like this women you love and been with for some significant time now is the real deal so stay with her and be happy together.  Life is about family, children, and many more great things to enjoy besides sex, or good sex.  If your women is having trouble getting excited *** heres the secret try new and exciting things or new creative even unusual things,  along with the fact that you know that you have each other is a turn on in itself despite what each other has been through or done in the past its special cause you have each other and that means allot in itself.  Secondly long foreplay and romantic situations with nice music and maybe even introduce some food or paint into the moment before during or after just to set the mood.  Complement her, plus you
know women have to feel comfortable and secure both emotionally and financualy.  Basic necesities are a must to be met and the least amount to pressure or stress is best.  back rubs, foot messages.  Just hang in there and be a good man for your women, for yourself and for your future children.  You will be ok.  This happens in almost every relationship, and the best way to do it is to just get through is together and it will make a stronger and more true relashionship that ever making it long lasting too.  Good luck, I hope my imput helps

from a Dad of a two year old girl; who cares.

[dudetodude]

weed isn't a drug. lame moms.

[jame1983]

this is a very complicated issue, it's like you guys have just become friends, and she's no longer interested in you sexually.. if that's the case, maybe she wants to leave you also, but thinking that you're a good guy, and she should stay with you.she might be thinking that she might not find somebody better, as you mentioned you said your a attractive guy. there is no problem in the relationship for her, but for you big problem.. also don't feel guilty about cheating, I'm sure she has cheated on you to,

here are a few things you can do, You can talk to her about this, tell her this is a big problem for you, maybe she's bored, maybe you can do something new.. second thing you can do is find someone that has a higher sex drive than you.
Third option which I'm totally against,find someone else on the side..

If she's really worth keeping then I would go with one of those options, but to me it seems that you guys are bored with each other, it's been seven years, that you're both not really in  love, but are just attached to each other, and you guys can't let each other go..

But yes this is a big problem, especially since you're still young

[Drominimus]

I didn't read all the comments here, but I am responding to what I did see. While I think it's reasonable to ask oneself what one is not doing that may be contributing to the lack of sex, the first tendency I see exhibited here is to find blame with the person raising the issue by raising presumptuous questions about this person's character. The guy's girlfriend would be in a much better place to tell him what it is about him, if there's anything at all, that is preventing her from having as much sex as they used to. Instead, the questions presume based on loose, generalized speculations, that the problem must lie with him and not with her. It could be a case where the problem is with both of them, but the tone of some of the comments above almost places all the possible faults with him, and that's understandable since he said he watches porn and smokes weed. Not that one thing logically follows from the other. It's understandable if he resorts to porn if he's not getting satisfied. And to marijuana to soothe his pain. But to imply that it's because of these things that things are not working reverses the chain of causation. So, rather than be so quick to judge and put forth arbitrary moral valuations, let's try to understand his situation and answer accordingly. The suggestions that he should just "leave" her strike me as insensitive and unhelpful. And if he cheated on his girlfriend, it's up to him how he'll deal with that, and not for some of you to say leave because you "cheated on her."

[specialmom]

Hi.  Welcome.  This is a public forum in which people are allowed to give the advice and response that they feel is best.  We try to just give our own without criticizing the advice others have given.  That formula works best when you ask a question to the general public.  Feel free to offer your own advice.

[dap1988]

i feel there are many negative comments here, I myelf have a partner whos sex drive just simply does not match my needs, i myself started to watch more and more porn which i found just made me more frustrated, wich in turn developed in to negative vibes directed towards her, My advice to you would be to sit her down and explain how you are feeling (you have most likely done this allready,) also a friend once asked me if i could eat a mars bar every day ( i love mars) whould I ? the answer is no it would be boring the same thing over and over, maybee you just need to stand by her and figure a way that both of your sexual desires can be met,
there are people saying leave her cos you cheated and thats not fair, i agree on the fair part but not in leaving her, after reading my message back i feel like i am talkin riubbish but do know how you are feeling and hope the best for you and your partner in the future.