should i do it?

[phoenix860]

my girlfriend of 9 months has been with 6 guys in total, of which she had sex 4 times with 3 of them, including 2 unprotected sex, she was also a victim of rape from her last bf, and went through an abortion and stuff and kinda lost all trust and belief in guys until she met me, we are very much in love with each other, and around a month ago we've been thinking bout havin sex ourselves. The thing is she's had anal sex once before about 2 years ago now and she told me that the guy wore a condom and put it back into her vagina after it being in her anus without changing the condom and stuff. Now she's perfectly healthy and has been going to the Gynaecologist for a while, so she's ready to do it, also because she wants to be my first as im a virgin and i'm bit worried that she might have some std picked up during that anal sex that may be kinda dormant and she doesnt know, but she keeps saying she's been tested multiple times and everything seems fine and all. Should i risk it and go for it? and is it ok to do oral sex on her without any protection of sorts?

[Caromar]

I think yeah, finding another person will make things easier, but its not necesarily the option you want to follow since you are so convinced of your love. But think the following, just picture it for a second:

Whole romantic situation going on, since its your very first time and both of you want to make it special, since its also her 'come back' to sex life...you two are making love and she flips out because she had a flash back...now that will sure make you feel like hell, there goes the most precious gift you have, your virginity, and sure it will be a moment to remember...specially if she flashes back to her rape and pushes you away. Not like you can get your virginity back and try it all over again...this time with no pushing and swearing...

Anyway that's just my opinion, she needs help, and if she has started talking to you about marriage and a life together even a little before (I'm not assuming she did it within a month of dating you) you have just gotten your first sign of HELP!!!! mister! Has it occured to you that maybe she is so desperate (23...party age, college years,lets go wild have fun age) due to her rape that what makes her feel secure with you is the fact that you are a virgin...virgins don't rape you know, and they are as close as innofencive men as you can get. What's going to happen when you become a potential rapist for her. 23, just 9 months of relationship, and already talking about getting married...how long have you two lived together?

[PromisedLand]

best of luck to you both!  Write back and let us know how things are going.



Jim

[Judy246]

Good luck ;)

[phoenix860]

I'm 24 and she's 23 for all those asking the age questions and yea i understand what your all saying by the trauma thing, she says its because of me that she has been able to get over it, and financially im doing good, as a networking engineer. As for the std tests, she's had one last month, but i'm drivin her this friday again for another one just in case, and ill get her to talk to a therapist as well. Also Judy we are very committed to each other, it was actually her who talked bout our future together and if i was willing, though i told her at the time to wait it out and see how it works out and we just got closer to each other by the day, so i don't see the problem in marriage now.
Thanks for all of your help though, very insightful.

[Judy246]

one more comment...you wrote that she wouldn't cheat on you. Be very careful, because temptations are everywhere and the flesh is weak. If she has been quite sexually active in the past and you are inexperience....never, say never. Relationships are based on love, respect and communication, so make sure you communicate clearly with her use protection always! Good luck.

[Judy246]

Hi Jim, hope you are doing well and you are too kind and thank you for the complement and "we" here at this board all speak from experience.

Phoenix....please take our advice and listen very carefully, because if you don't, you will be right back here. There is no way she is going to get over a rape in 1 yr. Rape is an act of violence and I know women that were rape 30 yrs. ago and still carry the pain inside. Although she might look like she is in good heal, some STD are dormant or silent and will appear in the future!

You are considering proposing to her? Make sure that you are financially stable to be able to take on the financial responsibilities that come with marriage. Most of us here are probably old enough to be your parents and we speak from experience, so please proceed with caution and don't be blinded by "love" and think clearly and responsibly, before entering into a committed, exclusive relationship. I promise the trauma of rape will stay with her for quite some time, so be loving, supportive and be there for her, but if you are not able to financially take on the responsiblities of a household, just ease up on the idea and wait. You both are young and have your entire life ahead of you so take your time young man, don't you hurry to grow old. Judy

[PromisedLand]

Penswriter has some good advice....don't rush anything..whethere she think so or not she's going to need therapy for the rape and perhaps the abortion...be there to support her until she's ready and you both secure in your relationship.  

But Judy also has some good advice as well...this young woman has been around the block...you haven't been out of the driveway. she's going to need some help...maybe her feelings are genuine for you and I hope they are...but my (naive) experience has been I always wind up watching this woman who loves me so much walking away with another guy as if I didn't exist.

[jo929]

you are young now, why do you not wait awhile and plese do not have sex with this girl back off for awhile and think these things over what theses ladies have said also do not get into such a rush, she may not have changed, you may think she has so heed the advise and wait, but most people think with their hormones and not their head i hope you have a level head on your shoulders jusr wait and date some nice girls before you jump into something you may regret for life, this girl is bad new  luck from someone who knows  jo

[PromisedLand]

How old are you, Phoenix?

[penswriter]

has she received std testing? if not...she should. as far as the rape goes she really should see about going to a therapist. even if she thinks she's fine...she's probably not.

if you truly love her....stay with her. be supportive. don't try to take the relationship fast. let things happen in their own time. if she is REALLY ready for sex (which i honestly think she should speak with a therapist before becoming intimate again)and you are ready to give up your virginity (which you need to REALLY think about that as well. once it's gone that's it...you're not getting it back.)then try it. if there are any doubts in yours or her mind do NOT do it.

[phoenix860]

i understand what judy says, and maybe i wasn't clear enough on the 6 guys total thing. Those are the number of boyfriends she had in the past in her previous relationships. She is not a person who would cheat on me, i know that much because she's very loyal to me.

Now what your all saying is i should leave her and find someone else or make sure she is 'clean' and mentally 'healthy' before i take the relationship any further? just to confirm

[PromisedLand]

my daughters were traumatized (sexual abuse) nearly 20 years ago and they have not gotten over it yet.

Mr. Phoenix, I don't know how old you are but listen to what Judy has to say...there is no wiser person on this board.

How old are you by the way?  How old is she?  My friend, and I mean nothing negative against this woman, but she has a great deal of experience..pregnancy, abortion, several sex partners, and anal sex without pausing to "clean up" before switching.

You on the other hand are a virgin, you've fallen for this young woman who may have just had a string of bad luck, or could be trouble now or down the road.  Believe me..I've been there, and it ain't fun to watch the woman who says she "loves" you go wandering off with some other guy she meets in a bar laughing away and leaves you standing there..

Read again what Judy wrote....then read it again and if necessary read it again...I could be totally of base but I think this young woman is "trouble"

Jim

[phoenix860]

and i forgot to mention i went with her to the gyne a few times so thats ok i guess?

[phoenix860]

well she is actually in good health and is past her trauma, its been over an year since it happened to her, but shes quite strong headed and has gotten over it and i really love her, was actually thinking of proposing to her soon.
But thanx for the response ill get her checked up fully.

[Judy246]

p.s. there is no such thing as oral sex without protection. Don't risk contracting an STD in your mouth and live to regret the moment for the rest of your life.

[Judy246]

Wow, do you have a lot going on and unfortunately, because of her rape trauma, your girlfriend is "damaged goods" and is not good for anyone at this point in time. If she is sexually permiscious, she is acting out in destructive behavior and high risk for an STD and infidelity.  Also, an abortion is also a traumatic event and decision that she might not realize it now, but will come back to haunt her in the future.

I'm going to be honest with you. Although you state that you both are in love, she should not be in a committed relationship with anyone at all until she seeks the proper counseling, because all this past trauma is only going to continue to overflow into your relationship and please DO NOT have sexual intercourse, until she has had a full physical and you "accompany" her to make sure she has not contracted an STD. Using a condom to have anul sex and then transfering it into the vaginal will spread bacteria and can result in her having a serious infection and spreding it to YOU!  Don't put yourself at high risk for an STD and a broken heart. Insist that she get's counseling first, physical to assure you she is in good health and then you can continue a stable, exclusive, committed relationship with her.

You are a virgin, please DO NOT put yourself at risk with someone who has had many sexual partners and is permiscuous and absolutely NO oral or unprotected sex, until she can prove to you in writing or doctors not that she has been to a gyne.

There are sooo many beautiful, young girls out there that have never experience intimacy and you would make a great guy to have someone where you share purity and don't have to worry about someone who is way too sexually experienced than you in a negative way and not bring all the drama into your life. Please think with your head and don't do anything that you are not ready for or never, ever, put yourself at risk for just a moment of "love" or lust. Her drama will continue.