should i sex other women

[bigz2011]

i love my girlfriend though she has been a drug addict. she is now in prison and vows to get clean.
I have always been there for her doing what nice guys do. As she was on drugs you can imagine the hell i've been through with her. She has had a couple failed relapses but to be quite honest she tells me she was never quite ready to quit but she has now seen the error of her ways now that she has mixed with drug addicts in prison.

She was such a beautiful girl when i met her and i believe she will be once she is clean.

Howeverl only God knows what she did to fund her habit, so she could have possibly cheated on me. Only thing is I don't know whether to date other women whilst she is in prison.

I don't know what should i do?

[bigz2011]

Very valid response. For a long time i would consider myself lacking a lot of the self protective attributes and did mirror traits of co-dependancy. To be quite honest, i am far from a victim. Though i do not smoke or take dugs and drink very little I was quite destructive.

Coming from a previous relationship I lacked trust and was very controlling over her. Though, its not an admission to drive someone to drugs i feel I never started relationship on a even keel. Was very over protective, however the reason why i had doubts was because when i vowed to change she never. So i'm not sure whether so much of the damage had been done already, and be too late to repair. But like everyone says only time will tell and if it don't work again its probably not meant to.

Did go for a full health check though and everything is fine.

Their is very little evidence to suggest she may have cheated but i made the assumption as i know drugs can be expensive and wonder how she funded it.

[specialmom]

Rockrose, I don't know that you necessarily are the minority here.  I'm pretty self protective and would move on as well.

What is hard Big, and this is something to really think about------------  she's had some bad times and you've been a part of it.  There is something called "codependent".  Most people are pretty self protective and limit what they will live with.  I do worry that you are attached to a woman that has this type of drug problem, who is in prison, and who may have supported her habit in a way that I will not mention.  Not everyone would stay for that----------  and I want you to make sure you've addressed within yourself any part of your personality that is codependent.  

I think people respond to the depth of feeling he has for this woman.  I think it will be a very long road for them if she is able to stay clean but I guess I can always have hope and do.  But no, I wouldn't personally stay if I were him.  Love does not conquer all, unfortunately.  But I will always hope that it does work out for Big and his girl.  Peace.

[RockRose]

bigz,  everyone else here is so much more generous than I am.

If I had a partner who was sentenced to prison for  a felony,  if I wasn't married to him and didn't have children with him,  I'd be out of there.

You only go round life once, and in my opinion,  there's no real reason to attach yourself to a felon who's in prison.

When she gets out if you haven't found anything better by that time,  maybe consider her again.  Meanwhile,  try to find a woman who isn't completely messed up.

I realize I'm in the minority here.

[brice1967]

You're on the right track.... you cannot afford to be fooled again.  Specialmom is too correct with the addiction thing, being forced to come down rather than choosing to come down.  I personally think there is a higher chance of a relapse, but who knows what kind of rehab the system is providing.

I think it is worth it for both of you to give it 100%.  Both of you seek a bit of counseling, even together.... and work towards a common goal.  At the same time, I guess you'd have to think about what kind of slip ups will be acceptable, but not allowing yourself to be put in a perpetual tail spin.  Drawing a line is so final, you know.... but with that said, how much can one endure!

Good luck mate!

[bigz2011]

Thank you very much for your wisdom. You just confirmed what I already knew was right.

I'm just glad that others can see my situation and understand that sticking by her is the best thing to do.

I will stick by her, trust her and forgive her for whatever happened in the past, be prepared for the hard work needed inorder to rehabilitate her and myself. However i will not be fooled again. If she cant keep her end of the bargain I will not stay.

cheers everyone.

[specialmom]

Hi and hm.  I have mixed feelings on this.  Most who go to prison and obviously get clean there have difficulty maintaining sobriety when the re enter the 'real' world.  I hope that they have given her proper rehabilitation and coping skills but remember, addiction to something like drugs especially is complex.  People have a physical addiction but there is usually an emotional element to it.  Meaning, if they did not cope well due to depression, avoidance of pain, etc.----------- unless they have tools to handle it, once situated so that she can obtain drugs again-----------  she'll be tempted.  Her best chance for sobriety is to go to a half way house upon release.  

She did not choose to get off drugs this time for her own reasons.  She was forced due to incarceration.  That is different and part of the problem of staying clean upon release from prison.  Of course she says she has seen the light---------- it must be very scary and terrible for her to be locked up and her man on the outside living life.  I certainly can feel for someone in that situation!  

I think that you will have to understand that in order to be with her, she will be in recovery her whole life and at risk for relapse her whole life.  And the tricky part of addiction is that it can switch,  addicted behavior can move to a new substance or thing as the feeling is similar.  That is why treating the underlying issue is essential------ and providing coping skills.  When she gets out, she can not just go back to her life as before.  She will need to work a program of recovery very hard.  Are you in for being a part of that (which requires a certain lifestyle of meetings, sponsers and abstaining from places of temptation) and are you willing to risk another relapse?  Are you willing to forgive her for whatever she has done during her addiction?  I tell you, addicts hurt those they love.  They honor what they are addicted to far more than their loved ones.  Part of recovery includes some important work of acknowledging pain you've caused loved ones.  

So this is why I have mixed feelings.  It is hard work Big to come back from this and she has a long way to go.  If you want to be with her, then I think you should not muddy the water by dating others.  I don't know how long she is in for---------  but I'd try to wait for her.  But if you are unsure, I think you can tell her that you will break for now and when she is released------- based on where you are at in life and her ability to stay clean-------- you'll talk about a reconciliation.  

I don't write this post to you in an easy manner.  I know this is very difficult and painful.  I do wish you luck with whatever decision you make.  Peace.

[RainLover71]

Love is king,if you love her,stand by her,if she,s caused you to much pain move on,its your call.

[AnnieBrooke]

Amen, brice.

[brice1967]

Two things... wait for her to get out before seeing another woman, and secondly... get tested for sexually transmitted diseases.  You mentioned that she may have cheated.... that is more than enough to get yourself tested.

If you have strong feelings for this woman, I don't see the harm in giving her another chance.  Maybe if she is going to be imprisoned for more than a couple of years you consider to move on.  

When she gets out, talk with her and tell her that you are there for her, you will do all you can to help, but if she is going to keep relapsing you will have to move on.  Tell her how her relapses affect you!  IF that isnt enough to get her to fly right, it is certainly time to move on.

[kazakage]

Prison is way different from the military.. And if she is a drug user, you should wait for her.. See what turn arounds you get from her.. if no changes are made you have the rights to go about and do you.. But break the relationship off..

[AnnieBrooke]

Would you date other women if she was away for a different reason, such as in the military and deployed, or on a long job assignment in another country?  If your relationship includes those promises, then the fact that it is prison should not change the promises.  However, that said, drug addicts are really hard to believe.  You might be wise to walk away from the relationship because you could get conned again and again.  Your call.