me and my boyf have been together for 6 years and we have two little boys, the thing is he has never had any of them one night at weekend to give me a break and im fed up of it. He says its his time off at weekend and he needs rest, hes a driver and sits on his arse most of the day, so i said when is my day off? he replied you dont get one.
im that fed up ive packed his stuff and gonna put it on the doorstep, hes damn right selfish, he wont even decorate the house with me he'd rather play on the xbox,
He expects me to leave him in bed at weekend til 10 in morning whilst i go down with the kids and cook a full breakfast for him, when baby is teething hes up every hour in the night and he expects me to get up 7 when baby wakes and do his food!!!
He wont change a nappy, he wont feed baby, he plays on the xbox all weekend
We got engaged last year before i had baby and i mentioned wedding a few months later just asking if he did plan on getting married in life and he said no its a waste of money and dont see the point, so why the hell did he ask me?
i really dont think he cares, hes a selfish git and im starting to hate him now he annoying me that much
i have tried talking to him and he just said "will you shut up im sick of the same crap" basically he wont listen, ive even text him and he wont reply, to me it sounds like he doesnt care and cant admit the truth
Sometimes it is easier to be alone that to be with someone you want to count on and to continually find you can't count on him. If counseling hasn't worked, maybe the box on the doorstep is the thing to do. Have you tried counseling?
I too recommend counseling. Also people treat us the way we allow them to. Why are you making him a full breakfast and such when you are so busy? If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got!
ive had a think about counseling today, that the last resort, i think it would work but if i suggested that then to him he'd laugh, and if he did i would end up locking him out the house.
id have no problem bringing my two kids up alone, ive managed the past five years, infact life would would be less stressful for me.
ive tried talking nicely to him but got no joy so we end up arguing, he says there are things about me that wind him up but keeps it inside, he said he loves me but something tells me he doesnt, i dont know why but it does.
Ive tried asking what things about me he doesnt like that wind him up but all i get is "ive heard it all before shut up",
his problem is hes never done anything himself his mums always wiped his backside, sorry to be blunt but its true.
he thinks i wont kick him out because he reckons id be lost without him, i feel like kicking him out just to prove i arent lost.
Well, I've read your posts and cumulatively, you seem like an unhappy lady . . . overall.
Couple of things that jump out at me. First, you have two children, right? Did he change the diapers, help at night, play with the first child? Probably not. So . . . then you have baby number two with him. He's who he was the first time around. I understand your frustration and all, but you do play some part in this situation. Are you a stay at home mom? Is he the bread winner of the house? That is an important question for a few reasons.
I am a stay at home mom with two boys myself. I used to be a career lady with a lot of say and power within the household and the world (so, I thought . . . LOL). Now, I'm a child care taker, cook and house cleaner. Oh yeah, personal shopper, gardener, fill the car with gas person, etc. There is an uneveness in tasks at home between my husband and I and definitely the burden falls on me. But . . . I'm not out earning the dough. I don't resent my husband for wanting down time and being tired. I do, however, talk like an adult with him (and without anger so that he does not get defensiveness) about specific things he can do to help. Not a huge list of this and that . . . but a few things on Saturday that are his to do. And . . . I've been known to pick up my car keys and say "honey, I'm off to the store. I'll be back in a while, you are in charge of the kids." The list of what they need is on the counter and out the door I go. I do often give a warning for this like a day or so ahead of time. I don't say "can I", I just say "I need to do X and will be gone a couple of hours". I'm also a big fan of getting a little outside help. You mention a mother in law (that I know, you can't stand)----- BUT . . . the lady could come over and hang out with the kids for a bit while you go relax in your bed room or leave the house to be alone for a bit . . . I'm all about making lemonade out of lemons and you could find more lemonade in your life, I'm just sure of it.
But . . .sadly, I'm guessing this is not what this is about. You are just unhappy. Now, I must say---------- I think you will also be unhappy when you leave your husband. I really do. You've done no soul searching or taken any ownership for how your life is and I hear a lot of anger at other people vs. looking at yourself and how you've shaped your own life. That means that you will be the same person you are now but in a new place. That means you will still be unhappy. Just my two cents on that . . . and really it is only meant to help. Do you think you could possibly have a low level of depression?
I think when we have kids that we owe it to them to try to work out a marriage. Counseling helps in many ways (or at least it can if both people enter with an open heart trying to repair a relationship.) Communication and boundaries can be improved. Expectations can be set. Learning to reconnect as a couple again can be addressed. But you have to want it. Do you want it?
Kids when they are little are tiring and frustrating. But in a relatively short period of time they mature and start school. Really, a really short time. In a couple of years, it will be so much easier. So hang in there.
Two other things--------- first, my husband would rather clip his toe nails, stare at the wall, do just about anything besides decorate the house. Playing Xbox would definitely be on the list of other things my husband would do (if we had one . . .). If you are talking about maintenance things around the house-------- threaten to hire it out and hand him the bill. That will probably get him a moving. Second, no. Don't put his things outside. That is uncalled for. You have children together. Even if you don't stay with him--------- you must be an adult and handle a separation with grace and dignity. Never let your kids see the ugly side of your relationship. Keep arguments in private and your disdain for your husband to yourself. They do not need to be a part of this. So, putting his stuff outside is harsh and hurtful . . .to your kids. They will always need their dad whether you do or not. You build him up to them and promote him as the best dad ever for their sake. That is what a good mom does.
Okay, wish you luck dear. Please consider the counseling.
thanks for replying, i know what you mean, i may aswell have mug on my head hadnt i?
hes never done anything for himself, and i blame his mum for treating like a baby when hes a 28 year old man,
the argument started when he went his sisters pick up money she owed him for the camera she bought off him, i asked why dont we all go and he said no you dont need to ill be 5 mins, he was over an hour, he never wants me go his sisters with him or any other family of his,
my dad will do a job on our house and my boyf wont even come and see him with me, my dad says hes a waste of space but wont tell me what to do about the relationship hes not nosey.
ive asked him to move out for a few days but he wont, how can i sort my head if he wont go away a few days?
Hi again. I was writing when you were. It definately sounds like you have a pattern going that impacts things negatively at home. What is really hard when we address things with a boyfriend or husband that are important to us and we are passionate about is doing it in a way that doesn't result in defensiveness, anger and hurt. I'd look like this as a business meeting. How would you talk to say someone you worked for or who worked for you . . . you'd be diplomatic, polite and try to keep emotion out of it. I'd do the same here. I'd also not go into "you" talk and stick with "I" talk. You can fall on your sword and say "sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in kids stuff and need a bit of a break to recharge my batteries! What can we do about that?" Tell him you aren't mad at him (lie, I guess) and that you just want it to be a happier household for everyone and want to problem solve with him on how to do it. Start slowly with a couple of things that are really important to you that he does. Maybe it is get up with the kids on Sunday and you do it on Saturday or something like that. Don't make it big and dramatic and open ended. Small and specific will work better. And what they say about kids is that it takes about 3 weeks to change a behavior. I'd say it takes at least that long with husbands. So be patient. Help him grow as a man and look at it that way instead of being angry about it.
Just some thoughts on it anyway.
oh, and one last thing. Maybe if you really think you need a bit of time to think-------- you could go yourself with the kids to your parents for a couple of nights. You'd be away from it all and maybe could clear your head.
Just an idea, but why don't you hide the xbox from him for a bit, so he can't be preoccupied by it and have to do other things. Try to talk to him about helping out more with the kids and the house. If he wants to act like a child, maybe he can be treated as one..
I must say that alot of the replies to your post have had some good advice within them. I would like to add to that. I understand that he works all day, but when two people create a child, it's up to both of them to equally take care of that child. You shouldn't have to ever ask your partner to watch the kids!! He's not a babysitter, he's their father. That's one thing I can't stand about alot of parents. It always seems to be the mothers that do all the child-rearing, regardless if they also have a full-time job on the side or not! Raising children is not woman's work. I mentioned counseling to my daughter's father (my ex), who was the exact same way, and I was the one working, and he laughed at me. Let me put this very bluntly so that everyone can understand kay's frustration. It doesn't seem fair to me that this man can have the joy of climbing on top and making a baby, and then sit on his *** all day whether it be playing video games, or driving a truck listening to tunes. This guy is always either sitting, or lying in bed!! Kay, you've tried talking to him and being calm. Now it's time to take the children and go to your father's. End of!
While I understand your point . . . I do think there is something to be said for a household set up with a man working outside the home and a woman staying at home. As a therapist for many years, this subject comes up a lot as you can imagine. What works best in that situation is for BOTH to have empathy for the other's situation. A woman that stays at home with her kids all day (particularly when they are very young) will be exhausted by dinner time and when her husband walks in the door . . . their inclination is to say "here ya go, I need a break!" BUT . . . it is important to remember that the working spouse (and it could be the same for a stay at home dad and working mom) has also had a long day and needs a moment to decompress when arriving home. The best thing is for the spouse that has worked all day to come in the house and get a breather for 30 minutes to change, use the bathroom, glance at the mail, read the front page of the paper and then be fully available to the family. Okay . . . I can hear it now "not fair, it takes two to make the kids, etc. etc. etc." But--------- it also is a tremendous pressure to provide financially for a family. That is really stressful. And if a spouse staying home is not cognizant of that, a couple will have problems.
My own husband works really hard to provide for us in a very stressful atmosphere. So, when he gets home . . .he gets a few minutes of down time and I gladly give it to him. Then . . . when it comes to the rest of the evening and weekends-------- he's a hands on dad. I do ask him to take the kids at times because if you communicate what your needs are and schedule is, everyone gets along much better. I'm really big on communication.
And I always recommend that a couple at least try to work it out if they have kids. And isn't going to live with her father doing exactly what she says her boyfriend is doing? Being a daddy's girl is not much different than being a mommy's boy. Going briefly to clear her head . . . sounds good. Going to live there for good, not so much.
All just my opinion, but I hope that she and her boyfriend can find their way through it. And it always helps to address any underlying issues that might be secretly interfering with it all. I wish her lots of luck@
You bring about many good points. I must say though, to clear myself up, that I only meant that kay should go to her father's temporarily, whether to clear her head, or make plans for a future on her own. I was very aggressive in my last post, because this situation sounds so familiar; one with which I can compare my past to. I strongly believe that going to her father's would be beneficial to her, if not both of them. It will either make him appreciate her more or more not. We can only hope for the best.
Yes, she does sound like she could use a breather to clear her head and a couple of days may do just that. Sometimes we have to decide to make things work and it changes our ability to handle certain things. Otherwise, we give in to that feeling of anger at our partner and we walk. We'd all walk out at some point then. So . . . don't know if there is hope for her work this through but hope they try. But heck, who am I? Some stranger. I'm just giving my opinion as all here are doing as well. I honestly think everyone has her best interest at heart no matter what type of advice they give. That is what makes med help great. Different perspectives and ideas to help. All opinions are good ones.
one thing; Do not hide his Xbox as someone said. I really don't think that would be a good idea. I have no level of knowledge in these problems at all, but I do know that when you hide a man's computer games, he will not get more productive, only more angry. I definitely would.
your comment made me think of the italian movie "pane e tulipane", but that doesn't matter right now.
I think you should make him feel that you want the best for him too. Go do something nice with the whole family, so that he knows that he is part of it. Going away may clear up your mind, but I personally think it would be a short-term solution.
i agree that if any two people have kids its a joint responsibility, whether he works or not he should have them for half hour so i can have a soak in bath i dont mean as soon as he gets in.
some people live in the dark ages still, dad works mum has the kids they will think, but that isnt right in my view, its a joint responsibility,
i dont get 5 mins away from my kids and yes its like having three, hes used to his mother doing everything for him and i mean everything, hed say "get me a drink mother" shed run and get it whereas i say "you're 28 get off ur arse and get it urself"! then he spits his dummy out.
i blame her for the way hes been bought up wiped his arse til he left home, his other girlfriend ran off because she was sick of his mum treating him like a kid and putting **** in his head, she tried poisoning him about getting their own place.
why should i run around like a blue arse fly 24 7 when all he does is sit on his bloody arse at the weekend, i asked whens my rest day he replied you dont get one, as far as im concerned im done with him.
he expects me to have the kids when i have a bath, when i cook, when i clean, when i go the loo, and then wake up every hour in the night with an unwell baby, and decorate, in my eyes thats a mans job
does this sound fair?
as for the house if we were to split permanently then id would get the house because im the main carer for the kids, thats the rules for council.
ive asked my mum if i can stay up her house for a few days but she wont let us, she lives her boyf in a three bedroomed house, thats selfish, and my dads there no room because my two sisters are at home still, my boyf should go what would the house be like if i went id come back to a complete dump, his mum and dad have two spare rooms.
im just not happy any more this started when i had my second child it was like we're drifting apart so i said why dont we go out for a meal just the two of us he said ok but it never happened, its always me thats got suprise him, he expects me to book a table and suprise him, i want the relationship to be romantic again but hes not interested unless it suits him, the thing that pisses me off is he spits his dummy out if i refuse sex because im knackered, think its time to call it a day now
ive decorated this house top to bottom and i aint leaving it for him no chance, i might sound like a ***** but ive have rights for this house by law if it came to that, hes promised he going to change with me show he cares more and help more at weekend and im still waiting now.
how do you know someone loves you? i thought he did he says he does but i dont think he does really or am i being paranoid?
I know that what he does doesn't sound fair, but TO BE fair, wasn't he this way when you decided to start a family with him? You can't expect a piece of dirt to become a diamond..it's not coal, it doesn't have that potential and it never will. Not that he's a piece of dirt...
I've got to say..I've got a 22-month-old daughter and a 3-week-old son, and my husband is the breadwinner while I'm the stay-at-home mom. During the week...when he gets home from his very physical job, he helps if he can, but I never expect it. Because my job is 24/7....and yes, I know I know..he helped create the kids he can help with them..and if I ask, he always does...but youv'e got to remember. Being a Stay-at-home mom is a JOB. you chose this job. just like any real job you can't just slough off when you're feeling overwhelmed, even if there's someone to cover your spot for you...however, you should be allowed a break once in awhile. My husband goes 50/50 or sometimes 70/30 with me and the kids on the weekends...he helps pick up the slack on any cleaning I got behind on over the week, and he takes my daughter out and gets her up in the mornings on Saturday and Sunday...but as far as the week goes I'm pretty much a single mom because his job is so physical and hard. but it's the job I chose, just like you, and there's no room for complaint.
You've got to remember that this guy was the same person when you fell in love and started a family...yes you're overwhelmed now, But I am guessing you knew what you were getting into..you said his mom babied him, so it's not like you expected him to be completely self-sufficient, right?
I dunno. I agree you do deserve some down/decompression time, but at the same time you've got to remember that your stay-at-home status is a job, and it's the hardest job in the world because there's no REAL time off.
I think you really should try to work this out with him...ask for compromise. "I'll let you sleep in if you take the kids for an hour or two once you wake up" on saturday...
Good luck no matter what you choose, just remember that you DID choose this life.
WOW!!!!!! HELLOOOOOO DARK AGES!!!!!!!! Hahaha Even if you are a stay at home mom, your work day finishes when your spouse's does. Why should he only have to work a 8 hour or even 12 hour shift, and you a 24 hour one? Yes your husband may have a physically demanding job, but match that up to your emotionally and physically demanding one at home. Especially having two children at home. You have to get them up, get them dressed, make them breakfast, tidy up the house, prepare lunch, do activities with the children, do the laundry,be the referee when they fight (which with most young siblings is every 2 minutes), do the banking, bill paying, make dinner, do the dishes etc.etc. So you know what? I would say that when he comes home, it becomes a joint effort. And then you both can rest when the children are in bed! My man and I have two children. Our one daughter is 6 years old and is handicapped. We have to do pretty much everything for her. She is getting so heavy and is getting really difficult for me to carry her and not be completely out of breath! The two girls we have, fight constantly, and they can really drive us nuts!! We both work full-time jobs also. His is physically demanding, and mine is mentally demanding. So, after work, we are both pooped out! But I know that if one of us were a stay at home parent, we would both be very supportive of each other, just like we are now. He starts work very early in the morning, and I work a little later. I get the girls ready in the morning. So, even when he gets home from work and is very tired, he still takes care of the girls and makes us all dinner that is ready when I come home. But I remember having a man like kay's. He was and still is deadbeat dad and a waste of space momma's boy. He had everything done for him too by his mother. It's been 8 years, and he is still the same. Don't hold your breath kay! You can find better! You can have what I have!
I'd also like to add that this isn't something that kay chose!!! Like she said, things got worse as they progressed. When you get together with someone, while the two of you are still young, you can only assume that the two of you will mature together as you age. Unfortunately in kay's situation, it was a one way street. We have no right to wag the finger at someone when they already understand the situation and are asking for our help. I thought this was a support community called medHELP.
It is! And in my opinion the kindest thing to do is to tell her the reality of the situation, not coddle her because that doesn't help ANYone...she needs to understand her options, which is why she came here...and I think she has 2; get counseling and learn to compromise until they're BOTH content, or leave.
I'm not helping her by sympathizing and offering no options...and I truly do believe that being a stay-at-home mom is a JOB, and it's not your typical 8-hour-a-day, 5-days-a-week job. You have no right to wag your finger at me either, because JUST LIKE YOU I was offering my advice and opinion.
I am sorry that she's so miserable and like I said, I really think that compromise is a better path than ending it, but I don't believe that someone just "gets worse" without us realizing it..somewhere along the way either they started to change and we ignored the change as it occurred, or we ignored the way they were in the beginning. it doesn't make living life any easier, but at the same time you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and realize that sometimes we're just as responsible as the people we're pointing the finger at.
But like I said..that's my opinion. I don't much care if you agree or not, she asked for help and I shared my opinion, just as you did.
I also think that having a handicapped daughter makes your situation different...it means that your spouse DOES have to contribute more...but with two healthy, normal-needs children...it's a bit different IN MY OPINION.
Don't have a go at me for no reason please, I wasn't trying to start a fight just offer my side.
Sorry Ashelen, but I wasn't trying to take a stab at you, directly. I don't agree with alot of comments on this forum. We both just have very different opinions on how a family should be, regardless of whether our child is handicapped or not. I'm not just sympathizing with her, I'm also advising her on what she needs to do. By the sounds of it, she has exhausted all her efforts to communicate and compromise with her partner. You can only help someone if they really want it......and by the sounds of it, he is not ready. He needs a big wake up call. He's taking his family for granted, and that's not right.
You're right, and I appreciate reaching out to me, I apologize for getting so instantly defensive. He does sound like he's taking his family for granted, but I would guess he's always taken HER for granted, she just never realized it until she had so many responsibilities. it's a tough situation, and when kids are in the mix it's NEVER easy to make up your mind...I truly do feel for her.
I don't think it's right for you to come down on others who have differing opinions. Kay can make her own decisions based on varying advice. What works for you in your home, may not work for others in their own homes. Everyone lives different lives and so that's the beauty of medhelp, getting vast amounts of advice. I didn't read anyone saying to her that she has to take what she gets. They are saying "here are your options" and laying it out on the table for her. I also think that being a stay at home is more demanding than two people who work. You are expected to do more because that is what you chose to do. I don't consider that living in the dark ages and I think to a lot of stay at home moms that comment can be quite insulting. I have many friends who do find it difficult because they don't have any time off and it is the hardest job but again, it was their choice to be SAHMs. Not saying the husband can't help or shouldn't help, but this is usually how it is. I agree with specialmom, when she wants to or has to do something, leave the kids with the husband. It's about communication and you can't expect your husband to read your mind or know that you want to do something without your children.
:) No problem. But if I may, I wasn't trying to say that stay at home moms are living in the dark ages. To me, living in the dark ages, is when you have to ask your husband to help when he is at home. He's their father. He's not a babysiter that you have to ask permission from. You shouldn't have to ask for his help on anything. Once he's home, he should be attentive towards the children, alongside with you. Sometimes he asks me if I could do something for one of the girls, and then thanks me. I tell him there is no need to thank me, and that it is as much as my duty as it is his. I find it quite difficult sometimes to express my opinion on these forums, without it coming out the wrong way. I apologize tremendously if I insulted anybody on here. I do realize my opinions can be a bit aggressive. I just have strong feelings about this particular thread because I have been through this in the past.
I understand you, I think it's frustrating for most of us women because we do do the majority of the work and unfortunately we usually have to ask for them to help. I wish most men were as helpful as your husband.
Thank-you so much for understanding!! :) I am very grateful that I have him in my life and he is truly helpful. I had to kiss alot of frogs before him. This is the most security I have ever felt in any relationship with a man.
I have to agree with Got. Just because he works out of the home doesn't mean he can't help. My husband stays home with the kids while I work 8-12 hour shifts 5-6 days a week in a 3 million dollar/year restaurant. Which means I start working before I walk through the door and I don't stop once I leave. But do I just turn on the xbox when I get home and refuse to help? Of course not. That's not what a marriage is. That's not what a parent does. A parent does not ignore their child(ren) because they had a hard day at work or b/c that person is the "breadwinner". A working parent has TWO jobs. One out of the home and the other picks up right when you go back. The sthp (stay at home spouse) isn't the only caregiver. Both parents are. After my long days in the restaurant I change diapers, fix dinner (we still share that), do laundry, dishes (if dh hasn't), give the kids their bath, play with them or watch a movie (if I'm super tired we will just sit in the living room munching on popcorn and watching a movie.) once the boys are in bed I spend time with dh. We watch a movie, talk, cuddle or do other things.
Just b/c one is a stay at home parent does NOT mean taking care of the house and kids is only their job. It's unfair and he should man up and help.
you will know if he loves you ,you aint being para you are just fed up of feeling like this if he loves you then he will change for the best to save your marriage it is a two way thing not just you,i really hope things works out for you
thanks for replying, ive caused abit of a stir here :)
i hope things work out too, when we dont have a row we get on perfect everything's great and when we do row its bad he wont talk back he just sits there listening to me, the thing with men is we cant talk about anything they think we're nagging all the time
id rather work it out than split the kids dont want that at all,
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