Relationships Community
someone please give me advice
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
Blank Blank

someone please give me advice

I am so sorry if this reads like a chapter from War and Peace - to be honest I need advice or I need an outsider to tell me to OPEN YOUR GODAMN EYES WOMAN

First of all, I have to say I am  professional person, and usually will not tolerate any **** in my life, and now I think I am going crazy - do I listen to my gut instinct?  Im over 30, so not too young and I really should know better, but this is turning me insane!  Im very laid back and very tolerant and loving.

Let me be brief (haha its really not a brief story, but the basics are:

Been with my boyfriend for seven years - he's in the army - we live separately due to work commitments and he goes away quite a bit etc but see each other very regularly (he lives an hour away).  

Let me first tell you that I adore this man and I thought he was the one! Really! Never felt like this before.  

A few years ago, I found his computer open and he wasn't home - and yes my gut told me to look at it!  There in front of me was his account for an adult dating site with his account, pics (explicit!) and his profile! NOT ONE but several adult dating sites!!! Arrrrrr when I confronted him at first he lied and said it wasn't him - he said he did it for '***** and giggles' as the boys in work do it too! Okay this be honest I thought he would have deleted it, but low and behold it was there five months later.....he told me 'just don;t look at it then'!!!!! I made him delete it! Yes, I had to make him delete it!!! WTF? He showed no remorse, empathy NOTHING!  I should have thought it funny that he never lets me use his computer etc and always hides it!

Then a month or so later I just finished a late shift, got to his house and he was asleep - next to him on the table was his phone it was flashing - well I just had to look at it - There were texts from another woman, however, the entry was in a man's name, but the text was sexual - I called it and a woman answered - she hung up when I asked who she was!  I saved her number and woke him - At first he lied and said what was I talking about - I confronted him with the evidence and he said it was some old, ugly woman from a pub he goes to (thats news to me) who he talks to and she texts him stuff! He said nothing went on.  The next day I called her - she said there was nothing sexual they are 'good friends' and she has known him for about a year.  He swore he would never call etc again.  Two days later he left overseas for work for eight months!! Again no remorse NOTHING!  During all this, he was gambling - thought he could hide it, but he blew 30 thousand in three months on ???????? who knows......he denies having a problem and I should mind my own business its his money!!

Okay so he's away, calling me, claiming undying love, he's stupid etc etc blah blah.  He returns in November and I was overseas visiting family - there is a week gap between his return and my coming back - everything is good when I return, bliss in fact- he says he can't believe how stupid he's been in the past blah blah ...then Im at his house waiting for him to come home and I'm putting new bed sheets on the bed, under the mattress is a phone bill....okay.....I take a deep breath.....and check it out......Some things didn;t add up - he made an hour long phone call at 0320 in the morning....It was a day when I was on a nightshift.  I rang it...a woman answered....asked her who she was and she told me then I confronted her...she denied knowing him etc....of course!!!  He came home I confronted him...he said when I left for a nightshift he went to the pub and a woman gave him her number and bet him he wouldn't call he did when he got in.....He actually told me that night he was so tired he went to bed really early!! He then proceeded to say 'its not his fault - he didn;t ask for her number' and besides 'he knew it was wrong and he never ever phoned her again after that night'!  WTF??

Okay this is when you all say to me - seriously girl.....are you that gullible!!   Please....thats not the end......

So last week, he's late at work......Im just getting ready for bed at his house and I drop my earring I go to look for it and - lying on the floor just under the wardrobe is his old phone (he bought a new one when he retuned from overseas last November).  Of course I turn it on......Holy ****.....I wish I hadn't!  There were texts from The week we were apart when he returned from overseas and I was away.........Arrrrrr........... 63 of them!!!!! I waited for him to get home then asked him who this person was....he said he hadn't a clue what I was taking about, then I showed him the phone....he proceeded to get a hammer and bash it into tiny pieces - She was a stripper he'd met on his return from overseas - two days after!! his comment was 'I just got back from afghanistan' what do you expect'!!! Seriously.....Ive waited for this man to come home on numerous occasions from being overseas and sometimes its been months and months...I've been asked out by hundreds of men and always I say no.....Okay again, he says nothing sexual went on...they just met and talked......So a few days later (id saved her number) I called her....she confirmed nothing sexual but she had met him for breakfast at his hotel and he had run some errands for her.....WTF??

IN between all this ****......I know he's been gambling....thousands of dollars......he denies it.....

So now....of course he's saying Im the most gorgeous woman in the world...he doesn't know why he's doing this etc....He is such a good liar - I mean REALLY GOOD LIAR!!

Then I sit and think about things....When I'm there his phone is always hidden....or off!??? HIs computer has a password....he has no bills in paper anymore?  

Could I have been sucked in for so long?
Is he a narcicist.
Im becoming very anxious and paranoid (its really not me) I hate it!
I adore this man - WTF?

Okay....any sound advice would be really appreciated.  I can't talk to any of my friends about this....they'll think Ive lost my mind....Ive always been a very loyal, kind, no bulshit person with zero tolerance of anyone who lies


4 Comments Post a Comment
1268057 tn?1452268753
I mean.......YOU state "First of all, I have to say I am  professional person, and usually will not tolerate any **** in my life..."   Why then are YOU TOLERATING this man?  Womanizing and gambling?  REALLY?  

How much MORE information do you need in order to REALIZE this isn't right?  

Do you enjoy humiliation?  Being made a fool of?  That's what he is doing to you.  

Let me ask you this.......have your other relationships been like this one?  

He does this nonsense to you because you ALLOW it hon.  

Then you go on to say you "adore" this man?"  What is to adore?  The lies he tells you?  You need to DROP this quickly and go figure out WHY you are ok with being treated like this.  I would say you have some self-esteem issues.  

You are blocking a good man from coming into your life by hanging on to, he really isn't that in my opinion.  He is something lower.  

You're risking not ONLY your heart with him, but your health.  Who KNOWS where he has been and WHO he has been with.  Do you WANT to end up with God knows what?  Herpes.......NO CURE.  HIV............NO CURE.  He may tell you that he didn't sleep with this woman and that woman, but then again he is a LIAR.  

Find out IMMEDIATELY what's going on with you because this is a PROBLEM more so with you than him.  
Avatar f tn
Thank you. I needed that wake up call!  He just really hurts me - Ive always given him what he wants and been kind and loving and I;m questioning myself why someone could do that to another person.  I know I could not do what he's doing to my worst enemies.  

I have always believed in giving people a second chance, and I always believe there is good in everyone - I have never had to put up with this in another relationship.  

Love is really blind....

As for self-esteem, Ive never really thought about it - I didn't think so....I'm always so confident - mind you, he's knocked that outta me recently.

Thank you....I just needed someone to tell me the bare truth....
Avatar f tn
How many red flags do You need??


You are NOT "blind".  As a matter of fact You've (seen) learned a lot and this appears to be a pattern for Him.  You have "always believed in giving people a second chance" but You've done that several times now.  How many "second chances" are You prepared to give??  If You stay with Him, my guess is it will be more of the same!

You deserve better than this and it awaits You.  Love is a choice - We really do have choice in what We will or will not tolerate.

Regards and Good Luck.

480448 tn?1426952138
Run, as fast as you can.  Not only is a liar and a cheater (in some way...just not sure of those details yet)....but he has a gambling addiction that will NOT be pretty to deal with if you stay with him.

And the biggie, he has NO problem treating you like garbage.  That's just not right.  I agree with the do some searching to find out why you have let this go on.  This isn't "love"'s something else.

Do yourself a favor, a kick him to the curb.
Post a Comment
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources