starting over...how have you done it???

[CYW]

well i'm not sure if this is where i should post but here goes...i met this guy a while back, before i met the ex...nice guy...we've always talked...met prior to the past relationship...we've been talking alot lately...he has an ex too as well as a 9 month old son..he's a cutie-i've seen photos...well he would like us to "hang out" sometime to see who knows...i'm up for friends but not ready for official dating...not yet...we've only remained over the internet now..but i fear how to ever get back into anything...hes accepting over me taking my time..he is still getting over the hurt from his past relationship, he is 31 though(will be 32) im going to be 23...age isnt much of an importance but sometimes it is...he is also a hard worker(so am I) he lives on his own and he is a cook as well on top of being a miner...which i think is funny because if you would see this guy you would never expect him to be a type of chef..but he is...he is the one who did all of the baking for x-mas...i think it is sweet. anyways im needing inputs here...im wondering how one goes about ever starting over again...with a child.. i really dont want to ruin my child.. do i wait a while and introduce him or do i not etc etc or what or grrr...see i dont ever get my son babysat and i wouldnt want to get him babysat for dating u know? so...hmm its all wierd.. i never thought id be wondering this predicament so soon...i also have a journal about this...which was 2 months ago when i was curious and wondering...but now im really wondering...thanks ladies

[waitingwithhope]

I read your post and here are a few things to consider....

Age will come into play. That can be in a good way or a bad way. Eventually, your lives will be drawn in different directions and your needs and wants in your twenties change drastically (I didn't believe it until I was older). While he is still young at almost 32, he has lived the twenties and is starting to figure life's path out (or should be :) It would take a special person who recognizes that you need time to grow, to find yourself, to mature, etc. in your twenties and give you space and encouragement to do so.

Next...both of you are coming from failed relationships. Even if you are friends with your ex and/or he is friends with his ex..both relationships failed. Are you both able to be objective as to why they failed and what needs to be improved upon in a next relationship?

The fact that your children are so young, means that the failed relationships happened not that long ago. Plus, you both are looking for filing in that missing piece. It is VERY hard to be a single parent..you are both in that position, both understand the challenges and it is tempting to get into another relationship quickly. Do so very  cautiously. If he is the right one, he will be the right one in six months, nine months, a year.

Don't settle for anything less than what you truly deserve. Figure this out before getting into any other relationship. And now, the bar has to be set way higher than what you deserve because your child comes first. Your child always will. And, his child will always come first in his life. Always will.

Speaking of children, blended families or blended relationships (i.e. in your circumstance if you were not to marry) are incredibly difficult. You have to have clear rules right from the get-go...first off, you discipline your own kids, you don't fill the role as the mother for his child, he can't fill the role as father to your child, etc. You'd be surprised, but child discipline is a huge issue as time goes on. Plus, how do schedule visits with ex-partners? Are you able to facilitate that for both your children, without any bitterness?

What is your hope with the relationship? Gone are the days of "hanging out" or "kicking it" or "let's just see where this leads". That is for couples who are young and don't have children or huge commitments like you do. You need to ask yourself this question and be real with it. Do you want to marry him? Is he a suitable candidate? Can he be trusted with your heart? Will he be kind and loving towards your son? Does he have any issues with anger? How does he talk about his ex? (if it is negative, watch out!) And, what is his plan with this relationship? Men ALWAYS have a plan. Either you are a fish to be thrown back into the sea when he is done reeling you in or you are a keeper. Figure out what his plans are. Be bold and ask it..you might as well know up front.

Next, how is the child support working out? How are the legal issues being handled? Is it all settled? Is he fully divorced? Did he marry in the first place? If he did not marry and you did not marry, while it seems great that there are no divorce issues, there may be commitment issues. Be careful!!

How are you both handling finances? Money is a big issue..and a bigger issue when children are involved? How does he spend it? How does he save it? What are his plans for you if you two were to marry?

Are you both really ready? Both over past relationships? Both have a really healthy outlook on how to maintain and sustain a loving, caring partnership? Guys sometimes want to jump into something because it makes them feel worthy, more comfortable, more loved. Sometimes women can get used this way.

Next..your child...Don't introduce your child to anyone, for a very long time. Guy perfect may have issues you have no idea about. Don't let him babysit your child alone..no matter how tempting it would be. You never, never know! If you want to see this guy, get a sitter, be sure everyone knows where you are and how to reach you and where you will be at and take the relationship slowly.

I am currently remarried but it took a long time to get where I am at and my children's interests were at heart the whole time. Plus, thankfully, he did not have children..which made it easier. Also, we both were around the same age and were both of the same faith and background.

I hope things work out for you..but do take it slowly. Focus on your baby, your work and then allow a relationship to happen once you have really set the bar very high and you totally know what direction the relationship is headed.

Best of luck!

[melimeli]

I think it is much better to get a baby sitter when you date than introduce him to your child.  You don't want you kid to get attached to men that aren't for sure gonna stay around.  I wouldn't introduce until there was a commitment.  Like engagement.. but that is just me

[CYW]

okay so i'm only human to want to take it so slow...all the things mentioned above ARE what I worry about...He used to get along with his ex, well sill does..(none of us were married) however he no longer sees his son, she breastfeeds and his only way to see his son is to visit or she visit and when he offers to go see him she always has plans..i think it is sad.. he said he tried making the relationship work but she didnt.. she has 2 previous children with 2 different men...the oldest is 6 and the youngest well is 9 months so 3 children with 3 different men..i think that's just alot...

he is willing to wait.. well we've only been talking over the net as i stated we have hung out before, he is an old friend whom i met way before i met the ex...ive explained all of these fears with him...he understands because he feels the same..my main thing is i dont want to bring someone into my life if it wont be a commitment...and engagement is a big thing...not something that would happen over night..maybe a 5 year thing..but like i know he has a son..i wouldnt want to wait 5 years to meet his son and i dont think he would either...just an example..he is paying child support to his ex but has no visitation rights.. i know he loves children so why cant he be around his son...anyways i think about alot..

i would never ever ever let my child alone with him...regardless.. i dont even leave him alone with his own father. my relationship didnt work because my ex cheated on me...which to this day i STILL don't understand why because things were good..actually they were great before he began the flirting with girls and i tried extra hard to be everything "those" other girls could be...and then i contracted 2 stds from him...it will be a year soon that my relationship has failed...and during this time i have been getting myself on my feet...i finished college, i got a job, i got a new apartment...and i work hard...and i keep it up because i have to..

we've been discussing alot and he works alot so personally that would drive me insane. well he works in the mines and he works nights.. well 5pm-5am. and he will go working 1 shift and off 3 days or working 8 shifts off for 2...its hectic..its always been this way since i have known him. he has since i have known him bought 3 houses..i know alot of houses right... he had his house 3/4 paid off and when he got with his ex shortly after they bought a 350K house,a new truck and when they split they had to sell the house and split...and now he bought another house and paid off the truck so he only has his house to worry about but i feel kinda bad in that sense...3/4 paid off house to new bank loan:S...so that s*cks for him...but our finances wouldnt matter RIGHT away because with or without this or whether it be with someone else whatever i am sooooo not moving in with anyone right away... there are soo many things to consider...

he knows i work with children and whatnot...we have talked about alot...its funny how he says it because we talk about alot of what ifs...those are things you NEED to know sometimes...and i think these are really good conversation starters(waitingwithhope posted) anyways he knows that of course not right now...not for quite some time.. mind you i would have loved to have my children 4 years apart but that wont happen..not now...not then...i think theyd be more 6 years apart lol..or more..but he understands that i will be 23 and i'm young and i want more kids one day and thats the biggest thing you need to know sometimes...he claims he's getting too old for kids but jokes about that...he is looking for someone to settle down with and just spend the rest of his life with..married or not.. the person you choose to be with should always be your best friend...anyways...i'm not looking to go on a "date" anytime soon...my son doesnt get babysat because i dont trust people...so that would take quite some time...

[waitingwithhope]

Maybe I am wrong, but I have a feeling that your gut is telling you that something might be off or that there are red flags?  His financial situation (house buying) and the fact he is not able to see his son are both a bit concerning. I liked someone once and I refused to see the red flags (even though I did see them, I just didn't want to consider them) and I tried to do all the right things and go slowly with the relationship, etc. Anyway, it didn't turn out great, I wished I had listened to everyone else and I felt pretty down and rejected when it was all said and done. I don't want to dissuade you if you feel like this is a good choice for you but I would hate for you to get hurt or get yourself into a situation that you wished you never got into, especially when there's a sweet little baby involved. Keep your eyes open and I hope you find someone wonderful-either him or someone else.

[Trialanderror]

I would say proceed, but with caution.

I am pretty much in the same boat and have been for almost 7 years now. There was never a good time to start any kind of dating and now I don`t even remember how to do it... The reason I was hesitant was for my son`s safety and well-being. He has a "remote" dad and I just don`t want to introduce a second father figure into his life at any time. So if I were to date, I would stay away from our home - but then again that will never happen because I don`t have any babysitters either or I am at work...
Probably the guy you know is longing to be close to a mom with child to relive what he has lost - but you never know how he feels after a while - and your son will be faced with changes. I think if you want to give it a try anyway, just do things together, all three of you but avoid any overnights. To a child that seems like an invasion of his privacy and threat to the relationship with his mother. I am sure with the cautious approach you already express, you will figure it all out. At your age it would be a pity to put everything on hold. Just remain aware of the dangers us single moms can expose our kids to.

[CYW]

thats my main issue...i dont know anything at 100%.. i thought i did once and i was wrong..like you said...i will agree with you about the financial (house buying) which in his explanations maybe he is right..it kinda does make sense.. and about his son well say if he was telling the truth..it's hard to say.. i mean she has 3 children with the oldest being 6 so how long after into a relationshio did she get pregnant and then seperate. They seperated when his baby boy was about 5 months old and him and her remained good friends until about a month ago, he says he hasn't been seeing his son.. and we were discussing our children and he said and i quote" no offence but dont think for once that i would ever put you or your son before my son" and that's good...he didnt want to go to court and i see his point...like im not in a rush but if we go on a "date" in a year its in a year if its 2 its 2...if he thinks i have a good head on my shoulders and whatnot and thinks something could come out of it he will wait and proove himself too..time will tell and right now i have all the time in the world.. i was just curious as to what do you do..how do you go ahead and stuff like that.. thank you very much for your input...and thats the main thing why.. it would be soo easy if there were no children involved and i dont want to ruin him

[treazzure007]

i dated with my son.  i had to laugh thinking back b/c i felt like i had been a single mother forever but it was really only a couple of years lol.  

i met up with the guys and had my son come along with us.  not for my son to bond or anything like that but b/c i had no babysitter and didn't need one if we were going to hang out at the mall, the fairgrounds, the movies, just riding around, or out to eat.  having one child along doesn't stop the flow of conversation or sparks of chemistry if you just got it, you know?