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tense relationship w/ parents
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tense relationship w/ parents

I'm still living at home right now as I go through college and the relationship between me and my parents has been pretty tense for the last year or so. I'm not some rebellious person, as I get good grades in school and always have helped out around the house. I'm not a moocher. I got a scholarship again for this next coming school year, to help my parents pay for it. They will pay for schooling as long as I keep up my GPA and I have. I do chores every week, with vacuuming, dusting, bathrooms, etc. At times I feel like the maid at my house, but my parents put it as my payment for living at home. Though what bothers me, is that my older brother also lives at home, but does not get the best grades and does little to help around the house. I was laid off from my part time job a few months back and haven't been able to get another job. I've been trying and have had a few interviews, but it ends up with older people getting the position. My brother works part-time and so my parents use that as an excuse for him to not help out. Though many times he'll say he's at work, when I know he is at his gf's apartment. I feel like my parents have kind of "given up" on my brother, so all of the attention lands on me. I get all of the pressure from them to be some "perfect" daughter, which is impossible to do. I've tried talking with my mother about it, but she doesn't listen and says that I'm not trying hard enough. I won't even try talking to my dad, as he will not budge and he also has a bit of a temper and I don't want to deal with it. Right now, I"m just trying to bite my tongue and deal with it until I graduate, which unfortunately is in another 2 and a half years. But I don't know what else to do. My parents really make me miserable at times. It's summer now for me, and I know I need a job and have been looking, but haven't gotten one yet. Having my parents constantly yell at me and put me down isn't helping, but they won't ever seem to change. Is there something else I can do? I feel like I've tried, but it's not working. My boyfriend and I were talking about getting married after next year, after he graduates. Something really has to change at my house though. I can't stand living at home like this. Any ideas on how I can get a better relationship with my parents?
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303824_tn?1294875001
unfortunately, there probably isn't much you can do. Your parents probably have the view of "My house, my rules." Continue looking for a job and try to move out ASAP. I know you have already talked with your mom, but maybe try again, and at a time where she isn't upset, stressed, mad, etc. Basically, make sure she's in a good mood first.

I'm sorry your parents aren't receptive to your feelings. I know that must be tough!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi.  That is a difficult situation for sure.  Sounds like you are a good girl and a hard worker.  I bet it would feel awesome to have them acknowledge that.  Maybe ask them to.  What if they acted thankful vs. deserving for the things you do around the house?  That would make it a little better.  And I'm sure they'd like to hear thank you's for the money they spend on your education and keeping a roof over your head.  Everyone wants to be appreciated.  

Try not to worry about your brother.  He's doing himself no favors in life because he will finally get out on his own and be a total disaster as he can't do all of the things you do.  He'll surely drive his wife nuts some day!  So, make any discussions you have with your parents about you and you only.  Leave him out of it.

But hang in there.  Think of it as something you just have to get through and try to work on letting them know you are thankful and communicating to them that it would be nice if they were thankful for you as well.  

If they yell, you can stay completely calm and don't play that game.  Then exit to your room.  

Please don't get married just to get out of your house.  That is not the way to start off marriage.  

So . . . long way of saying that communicating your feelings without being defensive will help.  I wish you the very best of luck!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks! It is totally the 'my house, my rules' view that they hold. If I speak up about something, they don't take me very seriously. My brother is graduating this year, in less than a month, and I hate that next year it will only be me and my parents at home. No matter what I do, I can't win. If I do what I'm supposed to, they'll find something wrong with it or some minor thing I missed and I get yelled at. If I don't do anything, I get yelled at. There is no point to do it all right, though I do it anyways hoping that I can avoid some conflict. I rarely ever raise my voice and am naturally very easy going. My dad on the other hand is very uptight and has major anger issue/borderline abusive. I brought up the comparison of my brother and I once, and will never do it again. I got major backlash for saying anything about him. I could compare myself to any older cousin to prove my point, but I don't want to say anything as I doubt it'd do any good. My boyfriend offered for me to move in with him and as nice as it sounds and I'd love to, I don't want to live with my boyfriend. I always thought of that as the exciting part of being married, getting to live with him. The plan to get married after next year isn't for me to just get out of the house. We're planning it then, since it'd have been enough time for us to know each other well enough. Though I feel like I already do know him well enough. He is the only one who keeps me sane throughout all this, as my parents are driving me crazy!
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285927_tn?1380802356
College is very expensive. I have friends that have had to pay for their own by working, living in rat infested housing to get by etc. If your parents are paying for your college education and providing housing and all your needs, I do not think their expectations of you are over the top. It is a very small price to pay for a very short time for you to get what you are getting out of it all. Your brother is a different person with different situations and that is between him and your folks, do not let sibling rivalry get between you and your goals. Your parents are working to take care of you and your needs and they are doing it because they love you. It is not cheap and certainly not easy for parents these days either. When my kids were teens, I had a couple of them stand up and tell me constantly I cannot wait till I get on my own. So when they turned old enough to work I took their paycheck and gave them part of it and saved the rest. When they graduated high school, if they did not plan on going to college, then they got their freedom and the money I had saved out of their paychecks to get an apartment and a start on their own. Hang in, it is worth it.
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks. Though I have a scholarship which basically pays for most of my schooling, so it's not a huge burden on them to pay for tuition. They don't give me money for anything, I pay for mostly everything on my own. And I don't spend much money at all, most all of it goes to my savings account. If only I could get my boyfriend to do the same. haha. My mother is going back to school right now, and I have helped her so much in learning the computer programs that she needs to know, like powerpoint, learning about all the web pages, blackboard, etc. I noticed something last night around dinner. My father was downstairs watching the game, while both my mother and I made dinner. And she gets angry at him for not coming up to eat dinner with us right away since it's not half time yet, and then she turns to me and is angry at me!? I didn't even do anything. As if my dad's actions are my fault. I just sat there silently while she complained about everything that bothers her and didn't say much. After dinner, she was still all upset, so she tells me to just stay in the kitchen and put everything away and clean up. I almost feel like if I acted more like my brother, she might back off more. Though I know that can be a very stupid idea. I'm just tired of taking the brunt of my parents anger. I was sitting on the floor yesterday with my dog when my dad got home from work. He was very frustrated, walked in and grabbed my arm yanking me off of the floor, and then telling me to go do some chore for him. I was talking to my grandfather last night and he's been pretty sick in the last few weeks, so I offered to come stay with him to help out. I want to be there for him, though I also really want to get out of the house. I figure it'll be a nice break if it can work out. I'm just having a very hard time being at home.
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303824_tn?1294875001
Aww, I'm sorry! You sound like such a good girl and it's not fair for your mom to take her anger out on you. Do you ever say anything to her when she does that? Like, "Mom, the person you should be directing your anger at is in the other room, not me!!" Or would that be a bad idea?

Are there any problems, that you know of, in your parent's marriage? It sounds as if they don't get along too well. If you can go stay at your grandfather's, do! It'll give you some time away from home and also time you can spend with him. Hopefully that will work out for you. I'm sorry I wish I had more advice to give!
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Avatar_f_tn
If I can ever get a word in without her cutting me off, I try to say something to defend myself, but it rarely happens. It tends to be easier to just be quiet and take it, then she can get her anger out and move on.

This year has been really hard on our whole family. My mother is now going back to school for her credential to teach elementary school, she's been a substitute teacher for years. So that has stressed her out a lot and it's been tense between my parents. My dad is a manager at his job and had had to lay off people and gets angry that he's been forced to pick up the slack for work that isn't being done now. There's been a number of health problems with grandparents. My grandfather had his heart restarted months ago, and now has been diagnosed with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. My grandmother had a fairly major surgery a couple months ago for a large hernia and other internal problems. These are my mother's parents, so she's been upset. I've been supportive, though it's not like it's only hard on her. I'm close with my grandparents, so it's been stressful on all of us. This last year has been hell, with so many things going wrong. I can't seem to find a break, my parents will not ease up. My grandfather offered the extra bedroom for me to stay there for a while, but my mother flipped out and said if I went there would be consequences.

I don't know what else to do... I'm really at a loss. It's not affecting me physically. I get headaches daily and cramping. I try to stay away from home as much as possible to avoid conflict. My mom gets upset that my oldest brother moved so far away, yet both me and my other brother know exactly why. She's overbearing and we all want out of the house. My other brother is moving out this summer, so I can only imagine how next year will be. Hopefully something will change by then, that or I am getting out of the house one way or another.  
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