the marriage "talk"

Morning all.

Some of you may know me from my postings but anyway here's my question.  BF is 27 I am almost 25 been together just shy of 3 years - living together for 2.  Anyway he was in a long term relationship before me (highschool romance type thing) that lasted for 8 years.  We have an excellent relationship overall, mainly because I'm a talker and so communication is always flowing.  We've had our ups and downs with everything like any couple but no serious issues, he is the love of my life.
Anyway I don't really want to get married at this point, I mean we already are minus the liscence, live together, have to file our taxes together etc.  My question is, he will talk about anything and everything openly with me - having kids, buying a house in the future, travel plans, our relationship but marriage seems to get him a bit flustered.  I'm just curious as to people's opinions about this - I know all about his ex relationship and I know her as they have a child together so we see them all the time (the ex is now married) and I know there is no want to be with her again they've both moved on and are just being parents to their daughter - they were engaged at one point so I'm guessing that the fact that that relationship didn't work is what leads him to be wary of marriage.  

I just think it's strange that he will talk about future planning with everything except marriage.  We did have that talk and both of us do want to get married to each other (couldn't afford it anyway at this point in time) but do you think it's just because of the hurt from a broken engagement that lingers in his mind?  I mean his ex and him ended 5+ years ago, he's a very sweet and sensitive man but it was only recently that he said the words "yes I do want to marry you" - 3 years into the relationship?  

I'm in no rush just curious as to opinions out there about his mindset?

[mayflowers]

Why do you file taxes together if you are not married?  

[raindelay]

Maybe he likes the relationship as it is and is afraid to jinx it by bringing up the 'M' word.  He also might worry about how you feel about it.

[waringblender]

Good question, mayflowers. Keep your finances separate! And don't ever get married without a prenup. Protect your assets, ladies.  Marriages go south 50% of the time, and you want to protect what's yours so that he can't get his paws on it after the fact.

Since you are so "open" about your communication, why don't you come out and ask him why he won't talk about "everything except marriage?" Stop trying to play mind-reader and get him to verbalize it for you.

[jml1986]

I suppose he could be gun shy after the last relationship. I am not big on people using their past as an excuse. My guess he is a person who does not want a complete commitment. Since your are not in any hurry, I wouldn't worry about it. I do think at some point that it might become a bigger issue. As long as your happy, that is all that matters.

[BearHitch]

Perhaps he wants all of those things, such as kids and a house, but doesn't want to actually commit to you?  Personally, after 3 years, I would expect a man to know if he wanted to spend his life committed to me or not.

[Jaybay]

There isn't any point in speculating until you get an answer out of him.  Some men are just weird about having that little piece of paper.  I know a couple who were together for nearly 10 years before they got married.  The problem was the man.  He just didn't see any reason for getting the paper.  Their relationship is, and always has been, fabulous.

Now that we, and our group of friends, have reached middle age (40's and early 50's) we've lost several friends to accidents, disease, and some simply of natural causes.  Several couples were living together for over 20 years without ever marrying.  The problems for those left behind after a death in this situation were legion.  Relatives came out of the woodwork and stripped the estate bare leaving the remaining partner with nothing and not a legal leg to stand on.  If you are married, there is no question of inheritance issues.  Other problems cropped up regarding medical care for a partner in a coma.  The other partner had no legal rights to determine treatment and was shut out of the decision-making process by the family.

Of course, these things can be addressed legally with wills and various power of attorney papers, but a marriage certificate is more than just a marriage certificate: it offers a great deal of security if one spouse dies - particularly without a will.  There are also Social Security survivor benefits to consider.

Back to our friends - Mr. Reluctant-to-Marry is very pragmatic and realistic.  When he saw how much trouble resulted from people living together without benefit of marriage, he finally got it.  His love for his wife was never in doubt, and he didn't want these kinds of problems cropping up in the case of his death.  He wanted her unconditionally protected.  So they married 2 years ago and even he admits it was the best thing he could have ever done - even putting the financial considerations aside.  It's just "different" when you have the piece of paper.  I don't know quite else how to put it.  It's a public declaration of commitment that truly means a great deal more than simply saying, "I love you."

Maybe some of this story applies to your boyfriend.  You won't know what his objections really are unless you get him to talk.

[becks715]

haha Yea teko you're right.  I was just curious if anyone was seeing anything in it differently really.  I know love is blind so you know trying to keep it all realistic.  His response the other day was "I want to marry you of course but I just don't think we're there yet"  which really is totally honest and I'm fine with.

In answer to the tax question - we have too - here in Canada it's the law if you live common law you must file as common law.  In the eyes of the Canadian government it is marriage, just as same sex common law couples are seen as one in tax terms here. ( i personally think it's the way the government gets more money out of us because more and more people are just living together not married and they figured that out!)  And Jay thanks too :) You are very right, we both got wills done a few months ago actually because I brought up that very point - not that he has much family he's close with but who the heck knows who will come out of the wood work - although I laugh at the term assets being a young couple - we don't have any except our educations lol but a very valid point.

I guess I feel the same way about "if it ain't broke don't fix it" seeing so many relationships end around us with friends married and not married I feel very lucky - it's all my friend's fault! lol She brought it up in a conversation asking when we were getting engaged and I got to thinking.  God even as an adult and an intelligent one I still let friends put things in my head lol I guess that never goes away.  Sometimes it's just good to put things out there and see.  We don't have many friends here to talk too most of mine are across the country and his are up north so getting time to just chat about things "to the girls" is difficult which is why I'm glad I found this forum - some outlet at least.  Thanks :)