Aa
things don't add up
i've known this guy for a year. we are dating now. his mom is rediculously over protective. he is 23. in the process of building a house. but living at home mean while. his mom expects him back home for 2:30 every night. well on the day we've known each other a year he acted like it was some kind of aniversary. dunno why but ok. i've been with him when he's talked to his mom on the phone plenty of times. and also even in person. but this particular time it was so quiet in the house that you could hear a pin drop. he walked out the door saying i'm gunna step outside to call my mom for a second ok? i was so shocked i just said ok. it made no sense. absolutely none. why this time out of like 100 million did he have to stop outside a quiet house to call his mom. when i asked him about it he said i just stepped out to call my mom i had to step out b/c i couldn't hear. i know he's lying.
i mentioned he's in the process of building a house. in the beginning i knew he was building and i was happy for him. he'd ask me what i thought about things and i told them it's whatever you want it's your house. next he's all like i really want your opinion b/c hopefully one day it'll be our house. so i see somethings i really like and tell him and his attitude now is...it's too soon for all that..we'll see..one day. that's the answers i get. it's like it's his way or the highway. i don't think he wants my opinion i think he wants to keep me around to play house. i just don't know.
he tells me in the year he's got to know me from what he sees i'm the one he wants to spend forever with so he wants me to go pick out a ring. so i did. he sees the price and he's like well that's not gunna be for awhile b/c i refuse to put it on credit. i told him i'm not moving into that house until i have a ring on my finger and we start planning for a wedding. i'm NOT playing house. he's gunna buy me that ring. we are going to plan a wedding. we are going to wait until after we are married to have kids. I'm on the shot have been for a few years now and i won't do anything unless he's protected. he b****s and moans about that but oh well. i'm not ready for that i really don't think he is either. so he wants to be with me forever but i'm not good enough to put a ring on credit b/c he doesn't want to pay interest. and he wants my opinion and wants all this and that but at his pace. when he's ready. what do i do with that?? play devil's advocate just say no. just to show him hell no buddy it takes two to tango. and you're not always the leader!!
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it just drives me totally crazy how he sits here making all these plans and that's fine but when i give him my input or ask him any questions it's always too soon...slow down...one day. UGH!! anybody knows what's up with this immature little boy??
i mentioned he's in the process of building a house. in the beginning i knew he was building and i was happy for him. he'd ask me what i thought about things and i told them it's whatever you want it's your house. next he's all like i really want your opinion b/c hopefully one day it'll be our house. so i see somethings i really like and tell him and his attitude now is...it's too soon for all that..we'll see..one day. that's the answers i get. it's like it's his way or the highway. i don't think he wants my opinion i think he wants to keep me around to play house. i just don't know.
he tells me in the year he's got to know me from what he sees i'm the one he wants to spend forever with so he wants me to go pick out a ring. so i did. he sees the price and he's like well that's not gunna be for awhile b/c i refuse to put it on credit. i told him i'm not moving into that house until i have a ring on my finger and we start planning for a wedding. i'm NOT playing house. he's gunna buy me that ring. we are going to plan a wedding. we are going to wait until after we are married to have kids. I'm on the shot have been for a few years now and i won't do anything unless he's protected. he b****s and moans about that but oh well. i'm not ready for that i really don't think he is either. so he wants to be with me forever but i'm not good enough to put a ring on credit b/c he doesn't want to pay interest. and he wants my opinion and wants all this and that but at his pace. when he's ready. what do i do with that?? play devil's advocate just say no. just to show him hell no buddy it takes two to tango. and you're not always the leader!!
?
it just drives me totally crazy how he sits here making all these plans and that's fine but when i give him my input or ask him any questions it's always too soon...slow down...one day. UGH!! anybody knows what's up with this immature little boy??
I am sorry I have upset you so much with my comments. If I have leapt to wrong conclusions I apologise. You came here for advice, and I read the situation as best I could from the information you had put up here at the time; if I read it all wrong, I'm sorry. You say I should have asked more questions - well, it's hard to know where I'm reading the situation wrong, and where I should be asking for more information, until you've corrected me for my wrong assumptions. I did ask about his attitude towards money, and how he spends the money he has - your comments about buying an F-150 have given more insight to the situation, so that has helped.
Again, I'm sorry if I upset you. I genuinely was only interested in trying to help the situation, reading it as best I could from what you had already written. I feel like the help has not been appreciated, and I don't really like the confrontational attitude you have come back at me with, so I will butt out of this thread and will not be offering any further advice.
Again, I'm sorry if I upset you. I genuinely was only interested in trying to help the situation, reading it as best I could from what you had already written. I feel like the help has not been appreciated, and I don't really like the confrontational attitude you have come back at me with, so I will butt out of this thread and will not be offering any further advice.
i wanted to thank you for all of your wonderful advice. but yes i do agree that we did jump into a relationship too quick before getting to know each other. i do agree that we need to slow down but i also do agree that this is preface and i really need to get to know him before i accept any ring from him or move into his place. thanks again for everything. take care :)
again someone who didn't even ask questions before giving off accusations.
1 slow hearler is a chick.
2 i just don't agree with celebrating full out the day we met. big whoop. when we've been dating a year then we'll break out the champagne and candles.
3 how do you know how i made him feel about his mom? actually we agree when it comes to his mom. i posted that had he said hey i just want to talk to my mom in private for a while i would have been fine with it. he had no reason to lie to me. and come to think of it i think it had something to do about a christmas gift for me. but still he didn't have to lie. i lie is a lie and i don't put up with it.
4 this is the same kid that HAD to have an f-150 b/c all his friends had big boy trucks when he had a perfectly fine ranger that was paid off. good try though. lol he's just trying to be possessive and tell me i have to get what he's going to get me not what i want. we had this same convo about the suv i want. i want a gmc and he said gmc's are junk and if he's going to be working on it all the time then i can't have it. i said ya know what? i want the gmc i am getting it and that's fine you don't have to touch it if i need anything done i will bring it to a shop. and again he's not my dad. and he will not tell me what i can and can not have if i pay for it. still feel that same way sammy??
5 we did actually make a day out of looking at rings. i got up and dressed early so we could go do something for the house and we planned to go have breakfast and looked around town then i spent the day with him and his family and we spent the night the mine. thanks again for asking ;)
6. what i am genuinely upset about is he doesn't keep in mind what he really wants, saves up and does it. instead he wants to just up and go. settle for less and run with it.
7. you need to ask questions before throwing such bogus accusations around.
8. i really don't think i will be coming back to this forum i feel that i don't get too much good advice but i'm rather judged. which is not what people come here for. what i am going to do is just take my relationship one day at a time. i know how he is and i know what i don't do to him and i know that i don't expect to do stuff like that to me. when he ignores my request i will just ignore him. when he tells me i can't do something i will prove him wrong. and when he wants to talk to his mom i'll but out. but it's his life. his mistakes. he'll learn. hopefully. as will i. all i know is i love him. and i will do what i can to keep our relationship growing. hope all have a terrific day :)
1 slow hearler is a chick.
2 i just don't agree with celebrating full out the day we met. big whoop. when we've been dating a year then we'll break out the champagne and candles.
3 how do you know how i made him feel about his mom? actually we agree when it comes to his mom. i posted that had he said hey i just want to talk to my mom in private for a while i would have been fine with it. he had no reason to lie to me. and come to think of it i think it had something to do about a christmas gift for me. but still he didn't have to lie. i lie is a lie and i don't put up with it.
4 this is the same kid that HAD to have an f-150 b/c all his friends had big boy trucks when he had a perfectly fine ranger that was paid off. good try though. lol he's just trying to be possessive and tell me i have to get what he's going to get me not what i want. we had this same convo about the suv i want. i want a gmc and he said gmc's are junk and if he's going to be working on it all the time then i can't have it. i said ya know what? i want the gmc i am getting it and that's fine you don't have to touch it if i need anything done i will bring it to a shop. and again he's not my dad. and he will not tell me what i can and can not have if i pay for it. still feel that same way sammy??
5 we did actually make a day out of looking at rings. i got up and dressed early so we could go do something for the house and we planned to go have breakfast and looked around town then i spent the day with him and his family and we spent the night the mine. thanks again for asking ;)
6. what i am genuinely upset about is he doesn't keep in mind what he really wants, saves up and does it. instead he wants to just up and go. settle for less and run with it.
7. you need to ask questions before throwing such bogus accusations around.
8. i really don't think i will be coming back to this forum i feel that i don't get too much good advice but i'm rather judged. which is not what people come here for. what i am going to do is just take my relationship one day at a time. i know how he is and i know what i don't do to him and i know that i don't expect to do stuff like that to me. when he ignores my request i will just ignore him. when he tells me i can't do something i will prove him wrong. and when he wants to talk to his mom i'll but out. but it's his life. his mistakes. he'll learn. hopefully. as will i. all i know is i love him. and i will do what i can to keep our relationship growing. hope all have a terrific day :)
I read slow_healer's comments, and they mirrored EXACTLY what I was thinking, and would have said to you. So I was amazed at your reaction to his comments!
I think it's nice that he remembered the anniversary. It's not like he's celebrating the anniversary of every time he met every person he knows, just YOU, the person who really matters to him! I don't really understand why you feel like you do about him wanting to celebrate this?
Yes, I agree with slow_healer that he went outside because he wanted some privacy, he wanted to talk to his mother without being overheard by you. Probably because he realises what your attitude is about his relationship with his mother, and he can't speak comfortably on the phone to her while worrying about you listening to everything he's saying. So, yes, it was not really true that he was leaving the house because he could not hear, but is this really the worst lie in the world? And it's a lie he told because you've put him in a position where you make him feel uncomfortable doing something that it is totally reasonable for him to do.
As for the ring, this is my guess: He's genuine when he says he can see you spending your lives together. When he suggested shopping for rings he was all excited about it. Later, in the cold light of day, when he saw how much it cost (possibly much more than he realised it would be, he may have no idea how much a nice ring costs), he just realised he didn't have the money for it. His attitude to money (while a little unromantic) sounds very praise-worthy to me - while too many people these days borrow money left right and centre to buy stuff they can't afford, then spend the rest of their lives failing to pay it all back (hence the economic s**t-storm the world is going through now), he's being sensible, practical, and looking to a future where he owns the house he lives in and isn't saddled with debt.
He may also have been hoping that you'd go shopping for rings together, which would have been more fun and a good activity as a couple, rather than have you come over one day and just say "I want this one. Here's the bill - cough up!", and it's way more than he imagined it would be. OK, I may be exaggerating for effect a little, but that might be how he feels it ended up.
You seem genuinely upset that he won't spend more on your ring, and more on the house, and more on it's fixtures and fittings. What's bothering you about this? Is he earning loads of money that he's just stashing away and not spending on the house? Has he got a pile of money he inherited that he's refusing to spend? Does he spend most of his income on frivolous stuff, not leaving enough to spend on better things for the house? Or maybe he's just got the sense not to spend more than he can afford, and he's not comfortable (or is just not able to) borrow huge amounts of money that will take forever to pay back?
You two need to sort out some communication problems. Sounds like you both want to be in charge, you both want to set the agenda, you both want to determine the pace of your relationship. You can't drag him through faster than he wants to go - that's doomed to end badly. You need to talk about stuff, and compromise. You appear to me to be just as stubborn and refusing to compromise as you accuse him of being right now. I also get the feeling that you are over-analysing everything he does, reading meanings in that are way beyond what he really means, and hence your idea that he is blowing hot and cold all the time on your relationship.
I think it's nice that he remembered the anniversary. It's not like he's celebrating the anniversary of every time he met every person he knows, just YOU, the person who really matters to him! I don't really understand why you feel like you do about him wanting to celebrate this?
Yes, I agree with slow_healer that he went outside because he wanted some privacy, he wanted to talk to his mother without being overheard by you. Probably because he realises what your attitude is about his relationship with his mother, and he can't speak comfortably on the phone to her while worrying about you listening to everything he's saying. So, yes, it was not really true that he was leaving the house because he could not hear, but is this really the worst lie in the world? And it's a lie he told because you've put him in a position where you make him feel uncomfortable doing something that it is totally reasonable for him to do.
As for the ring, this is my guess: He's genuine when he says he can see you spending your lives together. When he suggested shopping for rings he was all excited about it. Later, in the cold light of day, when he saw how much it cost (possibly much more than he realised it would be, he may have no idea how much a nice ring costs), he just realised he didn't have the money for it. His attitude to money (while a little unromantic) sounds very praise-worthy to me - while too many people these days borrow money left right and centre to buy stuff they can't afford, then spend the rest of their lives failing to pay it all back (hence the economic s**t-storm the world is going through now), he's being sensible, practical, and looking to a future where he owns the house he lives in and isn't saddled with debt.
He may also have been hoping that you'd go shopping for rings together, which would have been more fun and a good activity as a couple, rather than have you come over one day and just say "I want this one. Here's the bill - cough up!", and it's way more than he imagined it would be. OK, I may be exaggerating for effect a little, but that might be how he feels it ended up.
You seem genuinely upset that he won't spend more on your ring, and more on the house, and more on it's fixtures and fittings. What's bothering you about this? Is he earning loads of money that he's just stashing away and not spending on the house? Has he got a pile of money he inherited that he's refusing to spend? Does he spend most of his income on frivolous stuff, not leaving enough to spend on better things for the house? Or maybe he's just got the sense not to spend more than he can afford, and he's not comfortable (or is just not able to) borrow huge amounts of money that will take forever to pay back?
You two need to sort out some communication problems. Sounds like you both want to be in charge, you both want to set the agenda, you both want to determine the pace of your relationship. You can't drag him through faster than he wants to go - that's doomed to end badly. You need to talk about stuff, and compromise. You appear to me to be just as stubborn and refusing to compromise as you accuse him of being right now. I also get the feeling that you are over-analysing everything he does, reading meanings in that are way beyond what he really means, and hence your idea that he is blowing hot and cold all the time on your relationship.
Glo-worm, I think you already know what you want to do. Remember posts can easily be misinterpreted. To me it also sounded like you wanted to rush into things. Do you think maybe you rushed into a relationship so soon after your really bad one? I think maybe you need some alone time to get to know yourself. Only then can you make better decisions about the relationships you are getting into. I think after your last controlling boyfriend you might be afraid to let any man say anything. To you it all may seem like control when in fact it might not be. Or it may be and you're picking the same type of man all the time. Either way you need to do a self analysis to understand why you gravitate towards the same type of man.
ok now sense you didn't read my post before going off at the mouth let me slow it down for you.
for starters i'd count the mark where we were dating for a year an anniversary. b/c if i counted the day i met all the special people in my life i'd be haveing more anniverary's than i can count. and we did spend the night together but no we did not go out b/c i was being considerate of his money situation ;)
and i know he is lying b/c he said he COULD NOT HEAR. now had he said i just wanted some privacy hey power to him the fact that he COULD NOT HEAR in a quiet house is a LIE so yes he did LIE to me.
again you didn't read my post b/c i clearly stated that HE wanted to go look at rings. i didn't demand ****. now if he knew he couldn't afford it and didn't want to put it on credit then why would he take me to go look at rings now? that makes no sense to me. none.
and i have morals i don't believe in moving in without the intent and planning of marrige and kids do come later. but he can sit here and tell me i want to get married here i want to name my little boy this wft sounds like he's the one being obsessive compulsive. now i tell him bae we have at least a year after i get off the shot to have kids keep that in mind. baby where you want to get married there is at least a two year wait. and i get the cold shoulder??? SKREW THAT. he just wants to be in charge and imma slow his *** down right there b/c he doesn't own me. no man owns me. i own me.
this level headed saint you speak of you have no clue about. he did just that by building this house. he can't afford ****. HE CAN'T AFFORD A HOUSE. and he can't put what he wants in it b/c it's too expensive b/c he had to build this house now. he has to put the cheapest diamond on my finger and i said SKREW THAT. he thinks this is his starter house i've got news for him. he will be stuck here. his now now now attitude only applies for him i have no say so. i don't call that level headed at all. and his "me me me attitude" right now + a frustrated lonely pushed to the side girlfriend sure the frick does NOT = a "happy relationship".
for starters i'd count the mark where we were dating for a year an anniversary. b/c if i counted the day i met all the special people in my life i'd be haveing more anniverary's than i can count. and we did spend the night together but no we did not go out b/c i was being considerate of his money situation ;)
and i know he is lying b/c he said he COULD NOT HEAR. now had he said i just wanted some privacy hey power to him the fact that he COULD NOT HEAR in a quiet house is a LIE so yes he did LIE to me.
again you didn't read my post b/c i clearly stated that HE wanted to go look at rings. i didn't demand ****. now if he knew he couldn't afford it and didn't want to put it on credit then why would he take me to go look at rings now? that makes no sense to me. none.
and i have morals i don't believe in moving in without the intent and planning of marrige and kids do come later. but he can sit here and tell me i want to get married here i want to name my little boy this wft sounds like he's the one being obsessive compulsive. now i tell him bae we have at least a year after i get off the shot to have kids keep that in mind. baby where you want to get married there is at least a two year wait. and i get the cold shoulder??? SKREW THAT. he just wants to be in charge and imma slow his *** down right there b/c he doesn't own me. no man owns me. i own me.
this level headed saint you speak of you have no clue about. he did just that by building this house. he can't afford ****. HE CAN'T AFFORD A HOUSE. and he can't put what he wants in it b/c it's too expensive b/c he had to build this house now. he has to put the cheapest diamond on my finger and i said SKREW THAT. he thinks this is his starter house i've got news for him. he will be stuck here. his now now now attitude only applies for him i have no say so. i don't call that level headed at all. and his "me me me attitude" right now + a frustrated lonely pushed to the side girlfriend sure the frick does NOT = a "happy relationship".
He was acting like it was an anniversary because it WAS an anniversary. If you're happy with him, why didn't you celebrate? That would be a red flag for me that this relationship isn't working.
I'd also guess your boyfriend stepped out because he wanted some privacy talking to his mom, given how quiet it was in the house. It doesn't sound like he lied to you. It sounds like he needed privacy.
I agree with mami - slow down! One year is awfully fast to demand a ring. What's the difference between getting the ring now or later? It's not like the house will be done tomorrow. Your boyfriend's finances are probably tight enough with building the house. Who can blame him for wanting to avoid further credit debt? Do you understand that the ring will cost a LOT more if he buys it on credit? Does that money you didn't have to work for mean anything to you?
It sounds like if you moved in, you'd be playing house. I think he'd just be happy to enjoy more time with you. Moving in together does NOT = marriages + kids. Sometimes it just means moving in together. If you really like this guy, respect his feelings to take things slow and, seriously, ENJOY what sounds like a happy relationship. This guy likes you and is obviously thinking about keeping you in his life. He also sounds affectionate (remembers the day you met) and level-headed (wants to think things over, instead of diving in headfirst). If I were in your shoes, I'd relax the obsessive-compulsive future-planning and enjoy the present for a little bit. If you're really this unhappy with him, then just leave. Your happiness is your responsibility.
I'd also guess your boyfriend stepped out because he wanted some privacy talking to his mom, given how quiet it was in the house. It doesn't sound like he lied to you. It sounds like he needed privacy.
I agree with mami - slow down! One year is awfully fast to demand a ring. What's the difference between getting the ring now or later? It's not like the house will be done tomorrow. Your boyfriend's finances are probably tight enough with building the house. Who can blame him for wanting to avoid further credit debt? Do you understand that the ring will cost a LOT more if he buys it on credit? Does that money you didn't have to work for mean anything to you?
It sounds like if you moved in, you'd be playing house. I think he'd just be happy to enjoy more time with you. Moving in together does NOT = marriages + kids. Sometimes it just means moving in together. If you really like this guy, respect his feelings to take things slow and, seriously, ENJOY what sounds like a happy relationship. This guy likes you and is obviously thinking about keeping you in his life. He also sounds affectionate (remembers the day you met) and level-headed (wants to think things over, instead of diving in headfirst). If I were in your shoes, I'd relax the obsessive-compulsive future-planning and enjoy the present for a little bit. If you're really this unhappy with him, then just leave. Your happiness is your responsibility.
I think you really need to see this as what's to come with him. This is all a preface to what life will be like with him. If you are unsure now and his behavior is wavering all the time, then I don't think marriage is what should be talked about for now. You've only been dating a short while. Can't you both just enjoy dating each other without all this added pressure of what is the future going to hold? I think you both need to slow down a little. Good luck.
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