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throw in the towel?
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throw in the towel?

I've only been married for 3 months and haven't been happy....should I try to work at it or get out to avoid wasting each others' time? I don't know what to do...this is supposed to be a happy time and there is no connection, no attraction, no sex, no conversation, and no common goals at this point....i don't know what to do
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Avatar_f_tn
how long were you together before you got married?  are you still in love?
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Avatar_f_tn
we were together on and off for 6 years...he joined the army and was gone for two yrs...he came back in december and we got married and i moved out of state away from everyone I know 2 months ago to be with him...as for "in love"...i don't know...i respect him and care about him, but don't get the butterflies or anything like that. i hardly see him cuz he works a lot and when he's home, he just wants to drink and play computer...we don't really talk or hang out....we don't even sleep in the same bed.
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Avatar_f_tn
Seek marriage counciling.  Ideally with your husband but if he won't go, go by yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Talk it over with hubby and see if he feels the same way you may find out that you both married because it was expected.  lots luck  jo
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408901_tn?1274690798
try and talk to ur hubby first, if it doesnt sort the problem, then go for marraige counselling.
But if u feel there is no love between the 2 of u, then i agree with u that no point wasting each otherz time.
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233772_tn?1297356983
Well you don't get butterflies after 6 yrs. That is just normal. You should be at a comfortable stage where both of you have the same goals, wants and needs and they should be fullfilled at this time. Both of you need to do some major talking. Love is not the butterfly, tingling, head in a cloud kind of love. That should turn into committment, respect, honor, and integrity. At this point you should be thinking about where your life it taking you as a couple, such as children, where to raise a family, jobs, financial etc. All that comes to being a married couple. At this point is where the honeymoon ends and real life begins. If you do not vocalize to your spouse what is bothering you then you can't fix it. You need to communicate what you want from him. At one point he did that or you wouldn't have married him. Men need to be told how you feel. Don't let him guess. Being in unfamiliar territory is hard as well. You may be depressed as well and it is directed towards your spouse as being the cause when in fact it isn't. First thing, communicate all this with him and see where it takes you. After that re-evaluate your relationship and go from there.
Best of luck!
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145992_tn?1341348674
Just a question, not judging.  Why would you get married to him if you didn't love him anymore?  I'm sure you had those feelings even before you decided to get married.  You may be over the relationship, the feelings you once had for him probably dwindled since he was gone so long.  It's hard when you have such time apart and distance, that closeness disipates.  Do you think that you both can communicate and work through the issues in order to reconnect?  Honestly, I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years and I still get excited when I'm going to see him.  I watch the clock to see what time it is and get really happy knowing he's going to come home from work.  So you may not get butterflies but there should be some sort of reaction when you see that person after not seeing them all day.  I think that your problems may be fixable.  Try to work on it and if still after making some sort of effort, it's not working, then I say move on.
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146191_tn?1236881412
yea, it sounds to me like you've already pretty much made up your mind. you dont want to try to make this relationship work. you can pretend like you want it to until the cows come home, but if you ask a bunch of strangers if you should end your 6+ year relationship (3 month marriage) without any background info and without one ounce of effort to try and make it work, you already ended the relationhsip in your heart. some time ago. now all you have to do is accept it. if i were you and realzied 3 months after i got married that i didnt feel the same as i used to, i would try like hell to find out why. you seem as though you can't be bothered, so i dont think telling you to go to counseling would do much difference. good luck. i hope you figure it out soon.
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372900_tn?1315515902
You need to be honest with yourself.  Do you want to make it work?  If the answer is yes, then go to marriage counselling.  If you don't care to make it work and want to move on, leave.  You don't sound too hopeful, which suggests that you don't want to try and fix it.
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Avatar_m_tn
I agree with some of the comments as if you really feel bad about it then either work hard to keep it together or throw in the towel.  Have you talked to him as this is the first step in either direction you will be going.  I know marriage is tough but if you want it to work you need to work hard and get help.  Does he know you want out ??????  have you talked ??  Turn off the computer put away the booze and sit down and get serious.  Did he go to war and has this affected him is this the problem ????  i know millitary people and this is the biggest reason marriages haven't worked as when the war is over sometimes the person is over the war and its phychological effects and may never be the same man before he left.  If the last is the case then yes leave as it may get worse before it gets better..
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your comments...the whole experience of leaving my job, hometown, family, friends, hobbies, regular routine, not getting to have an actual wedding, lack of support from friends and family, our long work hours, and hardly ever getting to see my family has made this experience hard for me. mamai1323 - i never once said or implied that I don't love my husband with all my heart. In my estimation, when people ask you if you are "in love" they are referring to a hormonal reaction in the body or infatuation with another person. I would have never given up everthing I knew and loved if I didn't  truly love him OBVIOUSLY.  So I don't know where you got that from. When your man is military, you have to know that they are subjected to horrible things that civilians would NEVER understand. They live in a different world, and yes the military has changed him in good ways and bad. He's very closed off. Their job is #1 priority...there is no quitting...smiley723- yes he is going to be deployed again for 1 1/2 in a few months. I'm terrified.  My main question to everyone was....keephope???? and how to reconnect? Some of you said yes, some said no, some over-evaluated the fact that I asked a relationships forum. Did it ever occur to those people that I am alone in a strange place and I don't have anyone else to talk to? That I can't afford couseling? Did it ever occur to those people that this is why the forum is here? To share experiences, offer advice, and ask perfect strangers for their input. Sometimes an outside perspective can be enlightening.  So thank you to those who had something worthwhile to contribute.
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Avatar_f_tn
"this is supposed to be a happy time and there is no connection, no attraction, no sex, no conversation, and no common goals at this point....i don't know what to do"

Your original post sounded pretty bad.  "No attraction, no sex, no conversation".  That's making people wonder why you even got married in the first place.    Your 2nd post sounds more hopeful, has more details.  

I got to give military families credit for what they go through.    Don't the military bases have support groups for families that are free?  Maybe try to get involved with some other military wives and see how they cope with everything.  As for reconnecting, find some common ground with your hubby to talk about.  Do things together, anything, just spend time with each other.  How does he feel about the marriage?  Does the want it?  Regardless, you sound stressed and have been through some really huge changes.  That would make anyone question their marriage.  It's normal.  Hang in there and hope things work out for you two.  
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Avatar_f_tn
thank u...and u'r right, it did probably sound bad.  I am stressed....I also forgot to mention that I had to leave behind ahem..."bad habits" when I moved and have been clean for 2 1/2 months now. My old coping skills are gone and I feel like a part of me is too. He says that he is glad we got married, but he is miserable with his job. We're both tired through the week with work, but I can coax him to go out with me on the weekends which usually involves drinking and I'm not a drinker.  He tries to bring people over, but it's so hard for me to make friends. i hate my new job and eat lunch in the bathroom alone everyday.  i will look into the counseling on post. it feels sometimes like it shouldn't be this hard, but then again most things in life that are worth having have to be worked for.  So I guess we'll see...
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Avatar_f_tn
Hello ladies I am 23 years old and I dated my husband for 5 years
maybe a little longer and we have been married for three. I have been with
him since I made 16. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I am with
him. He also works alot I work at a high school in the daytime and he is a welder
works from 2 pm to 2 am almost everyday and now even on the weekends.
It is hard for us to spend time together but when we see each other we make the
most of it. You know what is wierd is that when we were dating we acted like we
were married but not living together or anything like that. Now that we are married
I promise you people think we are dating. Maybe you should go to counseling.
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145992_tn?1341348674
Like I said in the first place, I wasn't judging you, I was questioning your very words that you wrote.

"as for "in love"...i don't know...i respect him and care about him, but don't get the butterflies or anything like that."

It sounded to me as though you weren't in love with your husband, since that is what you stated.  Like Mayflowers said, you didn't give that much detail in your original post.  I was just going on what you said.  I'm not a military wife, nor can I understand how difficult it can be.  I'm sure it is lonely and hard to be away from everyone that you know and love.  I did say that your problems were fixable and maybe if you went to counseling you could work them through.  

I'm not sure why you were so hostile to me but I was just trying to give you some help.  Good luck and I really do hope that you and your husband can work through your issues.
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