together apart and so sad

[getmylifeback66]

in April of this year my live in boyfriend of 9 years had a massive hart attack. it later came to lite that
he had been shooting up meth for most of the 9 years we had been together. shock doesn't cover
what i felt and still feel upon learning this bit of news. we had an OK relationship but had a few
things that needed work. but i didn't think we where close to a breakup in any way. a lot of our
troubles came from my poor heath that had put me in bed for increasing amounts of time. he
was gone a lot of the time and worked late most nites. i thought he is gone because of me.
who wants to be around someone who is sick all the time. and this has some truth to it,
but now i realize it was also this way so he could use and be alone with his addiction. wen he
got out of the hospital he went to live with his father to rehab medically. i was told this was the
preferred location because of our house having steps and being in a remote location. it was hard but
i was supportive of this. after 2 months of this living arrangement i noticed that i had not been asked
to come see him or spend time with him. so i was relegated to 10 or 15 minute visits to our home in witch
he would climb our stairs, come in and sit for a while as his sister stood anxiously waiting to go. we
where never left alone to talk ever. he assured me that he had told his family that i didn't know of his
drug use but it felt like we where being kept apart. after his health stabilized he told me he was
going into rehab. he did this and upon release he moved in with his mother. now i was very upset
and confused. i asked him if we where breaking up and he said "i just cant start a relationship now".
and i replied "your not starting one, your still in one!" i was emotionally crushed and confused as to
what i had done to be abandoned like this. i became increasingly depressed and desperate for the truth.
i was so alone. i have had so many losses in my life i just couldn't face one more.
so one nite i put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. the gun jammed. i am in therapy for my
attempted suicide but so far i am still so sad. he tells me now that he loves me but he can not come
back to this town to live because of temptation. to this i reply OK we can move to another place to
live but he says his medical bills are so high that he can not afford to move out of his moms house now.
so now i see him once a week for 4-5 hours or so. during the week he texts me maybe 3 times on average.
he doesn't seem to miss being with me like i miss him. i miss living with him and being part of his life.
i spend most of my nites crying and miserable. it has crossed my mind that he is not breaking it off
completely because i attempted to kill myself. my question is what do you think is going on here.
is he eventually going to end it? what can i do if anything to bring him and i closer or fix this?        
              

[getmylifeback66]

i have graves disease post radio active iodine treatment. have had to take thyroid pills for years. about 7 years ago i started feeling hypo thyroid and was getting more and more fatigued and a whole host of other physical symptoms that where viable to the doctors i went to for help. most did lab work for thyroid levels and when the tests where in the normal range dismissed me with an offer of antidepressants and the dore. most of my family and i think a small part of my boyfriends opinion was that the doctors where telling the truth and i was being a hypochondriac.  this last year i found a practitioner who let me try desiccated pig thyroid instead of the synthetic i had been taking for years and soon my health was slowly improving. my joints stopped hurting and stiffness and swelling went away.then this revelation happened and you know the rest.          

[Nighthawk61]

Incidentally, did you have a gun permit and was it taken away when you were put in the hospital? Gun violence is s pretty scary deal and I think that it contributes a lot to the reason why your bf has his sister with him, when he visits. I'm so sorry , but often when we scare people in that way, to that degree, we cannot simply take it back. If he used a gun in a violent way towards himself or you, if the tables were turned, I'm sure you understand that you're family would probably keep you on a short leash as well. I think it would help if you were able to understand why this might be a huge consideration for him and his family. In their eyes, he as enough of a problem trying to save his life, without him and them trying to save yours. I think they are representing themselves as a family to tell you to find your own comfort through these trying times, within your own family.

I've made mistakes with people in my life , that ended up to be me "burning my bridges". It's a hard lesson to learn.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sincerely sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.
Do you have access to ongoing therapy since (the possible break up) suicide attempt? I think you need to consider this a break up at this time, and talk to your therapist about it as such. Do you have friends and/or family support ?

It sounds like you and he are two sick people that both need to separate and stabilize themselves.

You've only mentioned relationship problems that were connected to your illness. . So what does that mean ?
1) Can you share what your illness is? Was he unable to support your illness, did he think you could be doing more to support your own illness?

[Nighthawk61]

Now that's what i wanted to hear, that you have family to support you. I'm so glad that this last year you've made improvements and that your joints have stopped hurting and the stiffness and swelling went away.

This is INCREDIBLE NEWS for yourself. Have you been unable to work these last 7 years, and are now possibly able to work? What a game changer in your life to come. Do you need to go back to school or have you already attained a post secondary education?

Do you mind me asking how old you both are?