Relationships Community
troubles
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

troubles

I'm having problems with outside comments from others about my relationship. I'm trying to decide if I should just cut them out of my life or what to do? I do my best to let negative comments roll off my back. My mother is very close minded and the idea of me with my boyfriend has never been seen in a great light. My boyfriend is almost 11 years older, so that was the first problem. Then also because of cultural differences. He is from Mexico, has slowly learned English(still struggles with it), and has been working hard to make something of himself. He isn't rich, but I am so proud of what he's done. He's really worked his way up to make a better life. I don't think my mom will ever see that. I don't know what my dad thinks, as he is very quiet and doesn't say much. I no longer really talk to them about my personal life and only talk about the bare minimum to avoid conflict. I thought my friends were getting over the age difference, but after talking to a couple "close friends" about how my boyfriend and I discussed marriage, they kinda freaked, saying I am too young and will make a mistake. Not the reaction I wanted. I've pulled back from them and have less contact, but wonder if I am making the right decision. I don't want them to impact my relationship, but also don't want to just drop friends that I've had for over 8 years. Any thoughts?
Related Discussions
10 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Well, no.  Don't cut your mom and dad our of your life.  Parents worry and your mom is scared for you because she is worried.  She isn't trying to be hateful.  She knows how hard life is from a perspective of being older, living through her 20's, 30's and however old she is beyond that, having a marriage, etc.  She's just afraid for you.  

That doesn't make her terrible, that makes her Mom.  I'd just not argue about things regarding your boyfriend, keep yourself upbeat and be true to your heart.  It is okay to also have some insecurities about your boyfriend and your future with him and that your mom makes you think of them.  That is human.

Your friends haven't gotten to know your boyfriend.  They don't know the wonderful things you do.  I think that you just tune out the negativity and go about your life.  You don't have to dramatically cut them out.  You can ask them to be positive about the situation as you love him.

Does it make you question the relationship since key people in your life are so against it?  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
It's caused a lot of stress in the relationship. And sadly, I tend to take things really personally, so I'd break down crying with him wondering if we'll make it. I feel horrible for questioning being with him, as he has been nothing but great toward me. Yea, I know he's older, but don't see why that is such a huge thing to people. I get that my mom worries, but she can be very close minded. I've always been open minded and accepting. My mother picks people apart, and makes me feel bad about myself at times. She is superficial and it drives me crazy. I already have problems with how I look, after having surgery for a medical condition and she makes me feel like crap. I won't totally cut her out, though at times would like to. Not sure if I will with certain friends. My friends claim to be open and non judgmental, but their actions are different. And truly actions speak louder than words.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
parents can be like that my mother is the other way around dont really bother,so it can work both ways they can either be in your face or not bother both very annoying,as for your friends ask them to get to know your bf a bit more before judging him,let them see that he is good enough for you he could arrange a night where you all meet up,i know that they are leaping forward with their decisions but dont ever give up friends,to me apart from my kids they are my rock cause if things do go wrong they are the first ones who i go too and they are always there
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Well, the bottom line sweetpea, this is your life.  You have to live and be happy.  If this man makes you happy and you see a future working out with him, then that is what matters and over time your family and friends will accept that.

Let me say this . . . just thoughts from my heart and head.  How I ran my own life when it came to choosing a husband.  I was older.  I'd long learned that love is not enough for a marriage to work.  You have to have the same goals in life, you have to have the same values, you have to be moving in the same direction.  If you always pictured yourself in a four bedroom house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, you need to marry someone that pictures the same.  If you always wanted children, you need to marry someone who wants children.  If you want to be a two working family, you need to marry someone that wants a wife to have a career as well.  (in my case, I knew when I had kids that I'd stay home with them so I needed to marry a man that felt the same and could support that.)  
None of that is romantic but is the "business" of making a solid choice in a life long partner.  Some may not agree with me, but relationships that have a lot of differences in which they are always at odds are often tumultous and do not withstand the test of time.  
By differences, I don't necessarily mean age, race, background.  But what is at the core.  
A relationship that causes the end of family ties and friendships will often have issues down the road.  You don't want that sweetpea.  If you have problems with communicating with your mother, that is something to address but running away from that isn't a good idea.  Just to get her to not talk about your boyfriend----------  it is not a good idea.  Listen to what she says, stop and say------- ya know, he's a really great guy and I love him.  You'll see.  You'll love him to.  And walk away.  If she cuts you down, stop her and say "mom, that hurts my feelings.  Please don't talk to me that way."  
It sounds like your communication overall with your mom is problematic.  Just ditching her won't solve that because the pattern repeats.  You'll have other people in your life like that.  It is better to try to work on the problem and make it better.

And I just want you to make really sure that you don't have some of the same fears that this isn't the "one" deep inside of yourself and when your mom and friends make a comment . . . it hits that fear.  So you push it away.  

But remember---------- this is your life and you must live it how you see fit to be happy.  I wish you all the best.  I really do.
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
I am assuming that you are an adult, out on your own...correct?  If not, I can understand your mothers concern.  With age comes wisdom, sometimes....  and exerience always.  Your folks are always going to be your parents, and they are always going to be concerned about your well being.  (I know ths because I am a 43 year old man, and my mom still thinks I am her baby.  I too have kids, and know full well that I will always worry about their well being.)  Most parents do that, feel fortunate.

The information above about telling your mother and friends why this guy means so much to you should shine a bit more light on the situation for them.  It might bring a bit more understanding from where you are coming for, or it might not.  Perhaps they are seeing something that your not.

The bottom line is, it is your life, and if you are paying your way through it you should be able to make your own calls on whom you date and or associate with.  If you still live under your parents roof, they are footing the bill, and you're a minor....it'd be wise to listen to your folks.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I've always known to look for compatibility. I've dated a number of guys, but wanted someone who wanted the same things as I do. I met my boyfriend through the Catholic club on my campus. He's super respectful and would never treat me poorly. The way he acts around me is the way he acts around everyone else, including my parents. He isn't fake. He's hard working and we both want the same things. We both want a family, to own a home, etc. I don't want to be a full time stay at home mom and would work part time. He's totally ok with it and we'd make it work. It's all been thought through with the "business" side of it. I am not like people my own age, and I never have been. I'll be 21 in November, though have never been into drinking or partying or anything like that. I see no point in it and have no desire to get involved with it.

When I say my mother picks people apart, I really mean she tears people down. She will take apart the smallest imperfection in a person and make it into a big deal. I see my boyfriend as handsome and the most amazing guy. He's not perfect, no one is, and I can care less. He has some wrinkles, which makes him even cuter. My mother has a thing about teeth, and would hint and flat out say that my boyfriends teeth aren't good enough. As if hers are and they absolutely are not. I hate how superficial my mother is. It drives me up the wall crazy. And she wonders why my brother stopped talking to her except for only a few times a month. People can't stand her.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I do live at home, so I get "free" rent, but pay for everything else. Though my rent is doing chores. I am the house maid. I understand that my mother wants what's good for me, but she's gone way over the line. She can absolutely make my life miserable. I'm 21 in another month, so not exactly old, but no one sees me as being that age. I've been expected to grow up faster and have also had no desire to act like others in my age range. I get annoyed with the immaturity of people even older than myself. My friends know exactly how I feel, though my mother might not. She can be like my brother where she has to have the last word and will talk your head off and not let you get a word in edge wise. And sometimes she won't even listen to what I have to say, so I usually don't say much as I don't want to waste my time. At times I take on her role, and she can act like a child. It's annoying. I would love if she'd take a step back and see what I see, but I doubt it'll happen.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Well, your mom sounds difficult.  It will be better when you move out.  I'd think about a friend that you could move in with.  Maybe someone would let you live on the cheap.  I  know you are in school but maybe if you worked as well, you could swing it.  Maybe you already do and that would be too much for you.  But I think living away will do a world of good.

Okay, back to my old fashioned practical side.  I'd rather see you have a year or so living independently from your parents and your boyfriend . . . as in your own place with a roommate than moving straight away in with your boyfriend.  That would be an easy solution . . . and if you are moving towards marriage, it would be really tempting.  But as I've said before . . . I love for young ladies like yourself to live as an adult taking care of yourself before becoming a spouse, live in love, etc.  It is so good for the psyche and confidence.  

Your boyfriend, frankly, sounds really nice.  It sounds like you've thought about the important things and are headed in a good direction with him.  I've mentioned to you before that two of my husbands best friends married women in the 11 to 15 years younger range . . . and I LOVE these women.  They have solid relationships/marriages.  (I'm also 11 to 15 years older than the ladies . . . age matters not when you like someone.  I get to scare them with all the things that happen to you after 40!  LOL)  Anyway, I think you really have to follow your heart here.  

Don't cut them out but maybe minimize them.  Stay positive and  move foward.  Your mom is your mom.  I really think once you do not live under her roof, you'll hear less and she'll annoy you less.  And if she cuts down your boyfriend, just say right back to her "I think he's great looking" and move on.  Don't argue but let her know that you aren't taking the bait.  You're a big girl and her nasty words hurt you not.  
Wish you luck dear!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
She is VERY difficult. I work part time and then have school full time. I've looked into a couple places, but the rent has been too high. One place was cheaper, but was a bit "ghetto", so I passed on that one. I'm not sure if I can move in with a relative or friend, haven't fully gone looking on that route. Though I'd never move in with my boyfriend. He knows that, as I've always had a rule that I wouldn't live with him unless we are married. I do know full well, that if I needed to I can absolutely support myself. I'm not at all worried about that.

It's just been hard to stay positive when my mom constantly belittle my relationship. She never seems happy with anyone, and would even go so far as to point out other guys for me. I'll ignore that, but it does get old. I wish my mother would move on.  
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Well, hopefully she'll get tired of torturing you at some point (smile).  I think that if you show as little reaction as possible, in fact, ignore her completely she may get bored of the conversation faster.  When she points out a man for you . . . say "he looks more your type than mine" in a joking way.  My point is, if you react with irritation, it may feed her desire to do it.  That sounds sick and wrong . . . but some people are like that.  There is something called secondary gain.  Her cutting on people gives her something.  Power over others?  Feeling of being better than someone else?  Etc.  So minimize it so that her gain does not come from you.  

I think this is a temporary thing.  She'll probably always be annoying but will get under your skin less when you do not live with her.  You are reaching a point in which I am betting you will move out in the near future.  School won't last forever------- once that is over, you will be gone.  
Good luck
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating: What Your Closet ...
Jul 09 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
3149845_tn?1386354841
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
3060903_tn?1398568723
Blank
Nighthawk61
Other