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873692 tn?1337275733

want another

so here is the situation we have 1 child together he has 2 with an ex and i have 1 with an ex we get to see them but i want another and he is saying NO!! i want another so bad it makes me cry when i see other babies and a few times i have given it a break but i so desperately want another baby just one more and then i know my limit will be done i dont know why i want this last child so much but i do what would you ladies do would you leave him or just ignore your desire for another child i am so torn with this
Best Answer
Avatar universal
I have a different perspective on this (one more aligned w/ yours, so you may be happy to hear that you're not alone here) and it's just crazy to me that I got on here to post a very similar question, and saw yours before I even had the chance! In my opinion, this dilemma is one of THE MOST difficult challenges a marriage can encounter! You love your partner, you respect their feelings and want to ensure that both of you are satisfied w/ the life you've built for yourself, BUT sometimes, there can be a conflict so great, that neither person is capable of surrendering on. Sound familiar? My husband and I have been married for 7 years (on the 28th of this month), and have 2 children together, but I also had a 2yo daughter when we first met, that he totally embraced, and has raised her as his own. I was only 16 when I had her, and was only 23 when we had our youngest. We have a REALLY healthy marriage and love each other tremendously. When I had my 3rd, we both said we THOUGHT it would be our last, but I made sure to remind him repeatedly throughout my pregnancy and thereafter, that I wanted the door to having more children to remain OPEN, as I was only 23 years old for goodness sake, and knew I ha many more childbearing years ahead of me to build up the hunger for another. He was the one who rushed me to get pregnant again shortly after having our first together, and I had told him that I wanted to space them out more b/c I love being able to give each one more of my attention and enjoyed having only one at a time to love and care for, but he was dead set on having them close together (his thought was that he'd have another boy and they'd be close in age, but that hope flew out the window when we found out we were having a baby girl. Oops!). Anyway, I gave in under the condition that IF I should ever decide I want another baby, he would be open minded about considering it. Ok, so fast forward 3 years. I realized that I DID in fact desperately want one more child, and I had all the dreams of a big family to surround us during the holidays, and lots of grandbabies to enjoy! Well, my husband apparently DID NOT have the same dreams. He said he was DONE, and wasn't in any way shape or form interested in dealing w/ diapers and sleepless nights again. I was heartbroken, especially by the idea that he tossed my feelings out so quickly and didn't even give it an honest thought! So this went on w/ us for a while. Oh btw, what kinda started this whole thing was that I had to go off of my birth control b/c it was causing me a lot of issues, and he brought up getting a vasectomy. I had been experiencing these feelings for quite a while, but was somewhat afraid to talk to him about it in the past b/c of fear of him turning me down, and plus, I knew I had a long time ahead of me to do it, so I wasn't in any hurry. That changed of course though when he revealed that he should get snipped, which made me of course feel eager to get the baby making process underway immediately! Anyway, I told him that I wasn't willing to ignore my desire to have one last child. He said he didn't want one, but here's the thing, he knowingly "let himself go" during sex, again and again even though he was well aware that I was not on BC, and very much wanted another kid! So what does that mean? I don't have a clue! Maybe he couldn't help himself? I don't know, but he did it! He frequently points things out when we see babies acting up on tv or around town, saying "see, do you want that?!!", and I say "YES!". Lol ; ) So here's the BIG issue I'm having today. I'm am quite possibly pregnant!! I have been through this enough to know how it feels, and I'm feeling it like crazy!!! I'm going nuts inside b/c on the one hand, I'm thrilled! But on the other hand, I'm scared sh*tless to find out that I am, and then have to tell him about it! I wanted a baby, but I sure didn't want him to reagent me for it! Like I said, I DID NOT do this behind his back. I was very upfront about it every single step of the way, and he knew exactly what he was doing, but that still doesn't make me feel any better about having it happen, only to have him possibly be very unhappy about it. So there ya go! I know how you feel, and it's not a pleasant thing to go through w/ the person you love, but it's pretty hard to ignore strong feelings when they present themselves. I wish you the best of luck, and keep us posted! I will do the same, and if anyone has any ideas for my situation and how I should go about handling it, if in fact I am pregnant, that woul be fantastic as well!
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Avatar universal
Just as an update on my situation... I wasn't pregnant! I don't know what in the world was going on w/ my body last month, but it was bizarre! Anyway, I did talk to my husband about "thinking" I was pregnant (I really just wanted to be open w/ him so he'd be prepared if I turned out to actually be pregnant), and he was surprisingly way more ok w/ it than I had anticipated him to be! He didn't flat out say "yay, I'm so exciting about the possibility of having another baby!", but he also didn't say "oh no this is absolutely terrible!". He just said "oh really? Don't get your hopes up too high honey. I know how much you want this, but I don't want to see you upset if it doesn't end up happening". I was surprised to hear him be so calm about it, and it seemed like he wasn't so dead set against it anymore. It's like he doesn't want to make it something we're both aggressively trying for, but isn't going to try to avoid it either. I feel like if it happens, it happens, but I'm not going to try to rush it. I think he feels the same way and that's why he's still not choosing to use protection to prevent it. If he truly didn't want a baby and was really against it, he'd do everything to prevent it from happening, wouldn't he? I'm leaving it alone. I don't think he wants to admit that he'd be ok w/ it, so he's just not saying anything. I'm ok w/ that, so I'm not going to push him to talk about it. I just want to enjoy being w/ each other, and if something comes from it later, then so be it! I'll be ecstatic, especially now that I know he won't be angry or resentful to me for it! But if nothing happens (which it may not b/c I only have one ovary now after an infection caused me to lose the other a few months after giving birth to my last child), I will still be happy b/c I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children w/ him already!
Helpful - 0
1587619 tn?1296925035
I think your beautiful, and anyone who wouldnt wanna have another child with you is coo coo
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with specialmom. My husband and I went through the same thing. We tried for 3 years to have children to no avail. We were told I would not be able to ( was on fertility but did not work.) We decided to adopt. I ran a day care and was taking care of an 11 month old child who was in foster care. We went to social service and applied for adoption with the hopes that his parental rights would be terminated ( birth parents were drug addicted and mom a prostitute) in the mean time he was in a foster home. I had to go in for emergency surgery due to female issues and within 9 weeks got pregnant.We as well as the doctor were totally surprised. When our daughter was 10 months old Joey moved in our home. He was going to be adopted by us ( his foster mom had cancer and we became his foster parents b/c we knew the adoption would go through within the year.) We were so excited. Withing 10 months we had two beautiful children. Two months later we found out we were expecting again!!!! This time I was not happy. But after the first kick I was in love. We had 3 children within 20 months. Two years later I started talking about wanting another one. My husband was not on board. But then One day he said ok lets do it. We tried for months with no luck so I went back on fertility shots. Right away I was prego but for some reason I was not happy. I had 3 little ones and our middle child was very ill. I was carrying twins but 11 weeks into the pregnancy I miscarried. I once again was rushed into surgery  I had lost use of one of my ovaries and had a ruptured ph tube. ( I had another fetus in the tube we did not know about).  I was done. I did not want to do this again. We were on vacation a year later and My husband said I really want to try again. I cried b/c when I wanted one he did not when he wanted One I did not and I said I could not keep doing this. The whole vacation I was sick as a dog. 2 days after we got home ( my 30 birthday) I went to the doctor thinking I had mono again. SURPRISE! I was  14 weeks prego. I do not know why I had no clue. I did not get regular periods due to female issues but I never felt a thing except exhaustion ( I was running, teaching aerobics classes and taking a kick boxing course so  I thought that was why I was so tired.) But we are so blessed with our little boy who is now 10. Give it time.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
aly79, this is why I said be patient.  Not right now does not mean never.  I think if you just keep the desire on the back burner, let your son grow a bit (as 13 months and the next several are super busy boys!) and maybe you and your partner can revisit the conversation later.  It would be best for him to not be opposed to another when you get pregnant.  Best for your relationship with him that is.  

And do you think some kind of control thing is going on.  He knows he has something you want . . .  
Helpful - 0
873692 tn?1337275733
now to add to it last night him and my ds (13 months) were playing and elliott bit dh leg my his jewels and dh said to elliott if you want mommy and daddy to ever have a brother or sister for you   you cant be doing that wth i thought he didn't want any
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Here is a trick couples can use for things like this ----------  it is a way of communicating about things we have conflict over.  If you take something-------- anything and assign it a number of how important it is to you-------- and your partner does the same.  So 1 are things you couldn't care less about and 10 are your absolute most important items.  You should only have a couple of 10's.  Then when you discuss something, it gives you a barometer of what it means to the other.  If having another child, for example, is a 10 for you and he is a 5 on it, then you have room to discuss whether a baby would be the right thing for you as a COUPLE (and that is key. We have to think in terms of being a couple).  If not having more kids is 8 or above for him, then it is a tricky situation.  

Lola, I don't know how your husband will react.  I think sometimes a person can be in conflict over it and say they don't want it but then when the woman they love tells them they are pregnant with their child, they suck it up and end up falling in love with that baby.  I think having a child together is a beautiful thing and really awesome when both are truly happy about it.  Is it still happy when one just went along with it?  Well, yeah it is.  Kids are great.  But you do run a risk that having another child will complicate your life and relationship in a negative way.  It does happen. But that is always a risk when you change the family dynamic.  

And please do not think that I don't relate.  I wanted nothing more than to be a mother and have kids.  I married in my 30's though and it took us eons to get pregnant with our first child and then our second just happened right afterward.  I desperately wanted more.  I mean desperate.  I just started getting rid of some of my baby things but still have almost all of the baby clothes and things that I need to start going through and getting rid of.  It makes me very sad.  My boys were very close in age and I feel like I hardly remember my second son as a baby.  But we tried without success to have a third.  And I'm no spring chicken.  My husband is two years older than me and he never said he didn't want another one but talked about how old he'll be when the kids are in highschool/college, etc.  It was a sad time for me to give up that dream and it wasn't long ago that I did.  So, I absolutely know what it feels like to have that strong desire and feel like "this is it!!"-------  the opportunity will be gone before long to have another baby.  It is still hard sometimes when I see pregnant women and babies and having that longing.  I'm getting over it though . . . on the plus side, I was at a function and it was so nice not to have to follow my kids around so they didn't fall and crack their heads open the whole time (you know that tension during the toddler years of having to hover to keep them safe).  That just happened and I thought, oh----------- this IS easier.

I do think for the original poster that I would work on getting your husband on board before you get pregnant.  
Lola, you've written a lot about your relationship.  Mostly good things.  So, I imagine that your husband will pull through and eventually celebrate this pregnancy with you after the initial shock (that he shouldn't have) wears off.  Congrats on the baby.

Okay, good luck

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have a different perspective on this (one more aligned w/ yours, so you may be happy to hear that you're not alone here) and it's just crazy to me that I got on here to post a very similar question, and saw yours before I even had the chance! In my opinion, this dilemma is one of THE MOST difficult challenges a marriage can encounter! You love your partner, you respect their feelings and want to ensure that both of you are satisfied w/ the life you've built for yourself, BUT sometimes, there can be a conflict so great, that neither person is capable of surrendering on. Sound familiar? My husband and I have been married for 7 years (on the 28th of this month), and have 2 children together, but I also had a 2yp
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  Well, a couple of things.  First-  I think that anytime out partner says "NO!" to something as big of a deal as having a child that we have to respect that.  Being on the same page as our spouse regarding having another baby is really important for the relationship as a whole.

The other thing to think about is that sometimes our desire that is termed a 'craving' and is intense about something like this can sometimes be covering up something else going on.  Could you have any depression?  Does your relationship have any issues in it right now?  It can also be almost addictive to be engrossed in the getting pregnant, having a baby, being part of the group that is currently doing that.  Hard to give up if you loved it.  I honestly wanted a 3rd child more than anything and understand the great desire to have another one.  I know that you can just 'feel' that way but the way you write makes me wonder about something else going on with you.  

Your profile says you are in your early 30's which is good.  This means that you don't have to know absolutely today whether you will ever have another child or not.  I would focus on what you have now--------- be the best mom you can be to your shared child, your other child (does he/she live with you) and your step kids as well as an awesome wife.  Let life take its course without as much worry about what is next.  Make it good for the family as it is right now.  What happens down the road happens--------  but try to be at peace and happy with life as it is today.  good luck
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
aly,  I think you need to seriously consider the probability that once you have 5 kids,  you won't be craving a 6th one.  

Since you have one of your children that you live with,  and there is at least one other bio child you probably have visitation with,  and your boyfriend has 2 children he's responsible for - that's a LOT of kids that you're at least partially taking care of.

I don't think this craving will end.  It seems like it might be better to refocus your energy and not break up with the father of the child you have custody of.
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