what defines a good and healthy relationship?

[chrisjavier]

i've been through alot, blinded and hurt.
people said it wasnt a healthy relationship.
she took advantage of my selflessness.
i was used, abused emotinally.
its been a 3 year rollercoaster which sent me into a spiraling depression.
i dont know what a good relationship is,
so i'd like to know how a healthy relationship is suppose to be.

i want to love, and to be loved.
i believe in love, and i believe that it will save my soul.

[specialmom]

It makes me sad when someone doesn't think a healthy relationship is possible.  It certainly is but one has to believe and be willing to do the work.  Life is about choices.  We are always presented with a choice---------  if a relationship is unhealthy, we have the choice to walk away from it (and should do so before we commit to marriage) but we also have the choice in the kind of mate we select.  You can change your own patterns to have a healthy relationship.  Often we are our own worst enemy when it comes to selecting someone to tie our life to.  I always encourage people to use their head as much as their heart and to make a thought out decision about what kind of person to be with.  Sometimes people are attracted to the wrong things and you have to see that in yourself and see what you do yourself within a relationship that isn't working to change a negative pattern.  That gives you control over who you are with vs. being a victim (which I believe very few are when they could have made a better choice for themselves).  So . . . I  know I drive folks crazy----------  but we do have more control over our circumstances than you think.  

And a healthy relationship full of love and friendship is definately possible.  But you have to believe.  good luck

[Tab57]

Anything is possible but it requires effort. Marriage is not an easy road but it is like anything else you reap what you sow. In other words you get out of what what you put into it.

[chrisjavier]

i dont think that any of this is possible

[Myown]

Great post!

[Tab57]

A good realtionship is all about compromise and trust. If you have a handle on both of these things you can have a great relationship. I have been very happily married for 29 years.

You have to be there for your mate and be willing to be supportive of each other. You always have to be able to communicate with one another. Marriage does require some sacrifice and a lot of teamwork and love for one another. You don't have to agree on everything but learn to disagree respectfully.

Above alll never go to sleep at night mad at one another.

Love is osomething that you can't force. It just happens.

[specialmom]

oh rats, thought of a couple of other little catch phrases which help a couple be successful-------- appreciation of the other and respecting one another.  Laughing often.  Being serious when you need to be.  Supporting each other when it is hard times.  Celebrating the good things.  A decent sex life.  

All of that is part of a good relationship as well!

[specialmom]

Being healthy as an adult goes in this cycle of evolution.  You start as dependent on your parents.  You move to completely independent of your parents or anyone.  And eventually are interdependent with a partner.  That means that both bring something to the party and things are generally mutual.  You cound on each other for things in the relationship.

I think that healthy can be lots of different things to be honest.  What it sounds like to me is that you've been in a trap of having someone take a lot more than they give.  That is not a good pattern.  You want someone that also gives in the relationship . . . which doesn't mean necessarily in tangible ways.  But they give love, support, trust and their heart.  It sounds like setting boundaries is something that you can work on.  Don't feel alone, many people need help with this.  

I too can give a lot to a partner.  But I expect a lot in return.  So that you are selfless is not the issue so much as your partner was not reciprocating.  

I like a relationship to be one in which both can be totally themselves.  They can have all their quirks and still feel good about themselves with their mate.  I like couples to be able to talk and communicate in positive ways.  Being able to compromise is essential.  Putting your partner before yourself IS important and if both are doing that, wow.  A relationship will be pretty good.  Taking time out for yourself to be just you at times and for your partner to be just them . . . seperate from each other.  But a couple should also have things in common that they enjoy.  A healthy relationship . .. well, things are discussed.  Life's expectations are similar.  Both are on the same page or at least try to understand the other's view point.

So those are my thoughts.  I'm an old married lady of 10 years.  I see my husband as my  team mate, friend and lover.  

Good luck in finding what is a healthy balance for you.

[Samante]

I my mind a good healthly relationship is a balanced relationship, full of all the "good" things we could imagine, fun, laughter, sharing, caring, patience, assertiveness, understanding, faith, trust, honesty, confidence, peace, discussion, debate, respect, organisation, planning and you can probably add lots more things I'm sure...

I believe all these things are things we learn during our lives, some of us learn them from our parents, teachers, friends, or some are learnt from reading, studying, or just from life experience itself, we make a mistake or somebody else makes a mistake and we learn from it.

Our parents quite often make us feel that is wrong to get things wrong, that we should feel angry or guilty because we aren't perfect...or that our lives aren't perfect, but we, as children didn't learn that life isn't perfect and it's okay that life isn't perfect, everybody is in the same boat, even if our parents won't admit it!

Lots of relationships go wrong and it's okay, think about what you've learnt from your last relationship, there's nothing wrong with being angry that it went wrong and you were abused, we have the ability to love every single person we meet, should we choose to, if one relationship doesn't seem to be quite right, there's nothing wrong with moving on.

Your sketch is fab btw, when you drew it, you were expressing care and affection, although you might not be aware of that fact at the time, care and affection is something we can actually experience even when we are alone...

[chrisjavier]

if i take things too lightly, i feel that i wont find that love that i desire.
im tired of playing around, and being playing around with.
i want to be able to have a stable relationship with someone, and i feel that its impossible.
is this is so much for me to ask?
like im really confused, i just want the care and affection missing in my life.

[helpinghousemates]

firstly while love is a big part of your life, it is not all your life.
its good that your selfless, but in this day and age you have to reserve a little for just you, people take relationships so lightly now, that when you give everything in the belief that your doing the right thing, you have to keep something for you, some part of your heart that no one else can touch.
a good relationship, dosent require you to agree on every little thing, just as it dosent require you to be the one to fix every little thing.
a relationship, consists of, affection, caring, compramising, thought for the others feelings, and for both of you to be heading towards the same sort of goals in llife.
th ese are not goals just you has to display, bt your partner should too.
while its easy to be blinded by love, or the idea of love, you cannot trully love someone if they dont show you the proper respect and love that you deserve.