what should i do?

[nessadmiller]

So... me and my husband got married in june 2011. In feb of this year we split up because of constant fighting and he got abusive towards me. Here recently about 2 weeks ago we decided to get back together and try to see if we can salvage our relationship.  Well the first week he grabbed me once and I ignored it and now he is asking other girls if they have a problem with him being with me. Ontop of that we barely talk. And I have lost sexual attraction to him... I don't know what I should do..and advice?

[brice1967]

I am having a hard time getting around the suicide threats and the abuse. (I'm trying to come up with something to say that doesn't minimize the situation, because I do see how dire this situation is....)

The threats and the abuse are red flags.  They clearly say that something is really wrong here.  Him claiming to be mentally unstable sounds to be a pretty fair assessment of what's going on with him.  He needs to step up and get help for his instability, and he needs to be accountable for this instability.  this instability is not your fault and he cannot hold you captive for it.

His instability is causing the relationship to be unstable, and that is no place for either of you to be.  You deserve to be treated right and respected.  Threats of violence or suicide is not respectful.

Seek professional therapy for yourself, and for him as well.  If this isn't grounds for you to leave the relationship, I don't know what is.  You do not deserve to be held captive like this.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You should leave before He hurts You.  He was being truthful when He told the Army that He was mentally unstable.  Stable Men don't hit Women, don't push Women and don't throw things.

[nessadmiller]

Today at 5 in the morning he woke me up because he was throwing **** across the house. I was literally scared to get up. I don't know what to do. I try to talk to him about it and he makes me feel horrible. And he has no mom and his father just recently went into prison.

[nessadmiller]

I left him the first time because he turned abusive on me before he was soposed to basic for the army which also put a lot of stress on our relationship. He ended up telling the army that he was mentally unstable so he didn't have to go in.  

[specialmom]

I think she mentioned that he became physically aggressive.  That is good grounds for walking away in my opinion.  ????  but I believe that is what she said.  

[Life360_Dave]

I sense something else is wrong with the relationship that you have not mentioned. Normally when couples get married they dont separate less than a year later. how did  you go from love and marriage to loss of sex appeal and not talking in less than a year? you both seem to be in competition with eachother. What happened?

[TTinKKerBBell]

My first husband kept me tied to him and his serial cheating
(it's impossible for me to tell You how MANY affairs he had which included friends(?) and relatives!!)
for 15 YEARS!!  by threatening suicide if I left him.

I left him 36 years ago.  He's alive and well, has another marriage and just built his "dream home".

Please, don't let his threat keep You in an abusive situation.  If he's going to be hitting Women, He SHOULD carry out his threat but he won't - men who hit women are cowards, they don't hurt themselves - that's why they never hit You in front of others - they realize someone would knock them on their a$$ and they are too cowardly to risk that!!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, it is clear that getting back with him is a mistake.  And being held hostage with the threat of suicide is not reasonable.  No one makes another commit suicide.  And suicide doesn't just happen----  someone that is serious about it will have depression.  Depression is treatable.  I'd suggest to him that he go to a doctor immediately and have his depression treated.  I'd call his mother or father and tell them that he threatens suicide.  You can't stay with him but you want them to know so that they can encourage him to get help.  and then move on with your life.

If you fear that he would potentially include you in any suicide plans and try to take you with him or something horrific like that, you need a restraining order.  and you need to start spending time with people and not be alone with him.  I'm totally serious about this dear.

There is a good chance he is just talking to be dramatic but in case he is not, you need to do the above and get out quick.  

There is no reason for you to stay with him.  You have a life to live and deserve to do so.  He's volatile, he man handles you, you are not attracted to him, he attempts to manipulate and control you through threats of suicide, he is talking to other girls, etc.  Move on sweetie.  good luck

[Londres70]

"Kill himself?"   I am not trying to belittle the situation, but I think this is just some ploy to keep you from leaving.  Well...it's apparent he NEEDS professional help dear and whether you stay or not isn't the BIGGEST problem he has.  Sounds like he is trying to put a "guilt trip" on you by saying you will be responsible for my death if you leave.  My hunch is this is a bluff because abusers, yes, he is an abuser, are MASTERS at manipulating a victim into thinking all the abuse is their fault.....basically everything bad is ALWAYS the victim's fault, i.e. you made me mad so I slapped you, you made me mad so I punched you......get the idea?  

Has he ever gone for any type of counseling?  Have you ever gone for counseling?  I would HIGHLY recommend you get into counseling ASAP as this man has in some way brainwashed you into thinking this is all "ok" and it isn't.  If he isn't going to go to counseling you should.  

I am TRULY afraid for your safety and like I stated in my first post I would NEVER tell anyone to return to an abusive situation to try to make a second go of it.  

[nessadmiller]

We don't have any kids.  And maybe so...but he pretty much if I ever decided to leave him again he would kill himself.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry that you didn't get what you probably expected but often times the reunion has a lot to do with sex, and little to do with change (my experience). Probably not getting help with the abuse the first time, with therapy and marriage counseling set you up for this behavior a second time. If you still think this marriage is worth fighting for, you need to get marriage counseling and have a counselor talk to you both about how to stop any grabbing, pushing, shoving etc. before it escalates (and mine did) to something more serious. The fact that he's getting advice from other "girls" is because he's not getting advice from a professional. The fact that you have lost sexual attraction may be because you are learning that you just don't like him anymore and the way he treats you. You have to make a decision to see a counselor, or not. Intimacy should be put on hold until you both talk to a counselor. If it's too late, it's too late. Don't feel bad about moving on. You haven't mentioned kids, and so, you can make a clean break and learn from this. Hope you're feeling okay....I'm sorry that you're going through this.

[Londres70]

Oh dear.  You're not remarried, correct?  I would NEVER advise anyone to return to an abusive situation.  

Well....I wouldn't be ignoring physical abuse, i.e. grabbing.  

End this and now.