what to do?

[Miss_Direct]

I have lived alone for 15 years and met a fantastic partner ive been with him for a year now.  Problem is that he lives with his mother and is and is the only son.  His mother is partialy disabled and he does want a future with me but wants us to live with his mother!what shall i do?

[Miss_Direct]

Yep ur right.  Ive met his mum who is so lovely but i doubt every good persons intentions.  Im having counselling CBT at the moment to put things right in my life thanks for your support you both are really understanding.

[specialmom]

I agree that it is a good sign that a person is so loyal.  I also agree that it doesn't necesssarily mean that you won't be number one.  Have you met his mom?

[jrobertson20]

I don't think your not number one.  Please understand that his mother is the one who gave him life and raised him.  She is going to be a huge part of his life.  Just because he cares so much for her does not mean he does not care about you just the same.  You should see it as a good thing that he does care so much for his mother.  That is a good man that you know cares deeply for the people he loves.  His mom raised him right.  It should show you that he is a stand up guy and will not leave when things get tough.  I understand where your past is making you feel certain ways but don't let your past ruin what could be an awesome future with an awesome man.  Your past makes you who you are.  You just have to learn from your mistakes.  Honestly hun I think this guy is a real stand up guy and won't run when things get bad.  I do agree with specialmom and think maybe some couseling may not be a bad idea.  

[specialmom]

Okay, Miss Direct, don't shoot me because I'm about to be direct.  Sometimes our subconsious tries to protect us by actually keeping us away from people.  We pick wrong partners we could have no future with---  married, a religious barrier, addiction problems and now you've picked another person with a barrier.  Do you think that you pick unavailable men (I mean TOTALLY available to you) subconsiously?  

Again, don't shoot me-----  have you ever talk about this with a therapist?  It might help you very much break out of that pattern.  Peace

[Miss_Direct]

Thanks for your advice guys i moved out off home from an abusive childhood where i was starved and neglected. By 18 i moved out and since i have met so many wrong ex boyfriends who have lied about their marriage, religion or have a substance misuse problem. Anyway the current partnet he has said live in the same home.  Due to my past experiences ive always envisaged been number one in my partners life.  This obviously isnt the case and im starting to resent his Mother?

[specialmom]

I think in this day and age, you will see more and more folks caring for their aging parents.  The baby boomer generation is getting old and balancing their care becomes the job of many adults.  I agree with jrobertson that if you are to continue to have a relationship with this man, that you should partner with him in the endeavor to care for his mother.  This isn't always a bad thing as caring for someone can be fulfilling.  You may grow to love her.  But it is also a sacrifice on your part.  

So again, talk to him and see what he has in mind.

Why were you, by the way, single for so many years?  

[jrobertson20]

Well honestly family should come first.  I am a nurse and see many people not caring about their disabled family members.  It's a very heartbreaking situation and takes a toll on the disabled family member.   My opinion is you came into this relationship knowing that your partner takes care of his mother so he should not be asked to stop doing so.  If you truly love this person you will respect what they are doing for their family and see that as an awesome thing.   Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

[boognell]

He is being honest with you. Ideally in a committed relationship, you would be his number one concern. Be prepared not to be, as his mother will require all the care he has previously given. If you can handle all of this, go for it. It's possible that everything will be ok. You better discuss the particulars with your boyfriend more intimately. Good luck and God bless.

[specialmom]

Oh, that is a tough one.  I commend your boyfriend for taking care of his mother.  That is very admirable, I must say.  


what do you think he means by having a future with you?  I'd ask him if you are unsure.  Does he want to have a home with you and maybe a mother in law suite for her?  Or does he want to live with you and have her in a nearby apartment?  He's indicated he wants a future, so talk to him about what that means to him.  

By the way, congrats in finding a man you are very happy with.