what would you do if your fiance dramatically changed?

[emmyn74]

I have been with my fiance for about three years now. I have a daughter (3) and he has two boys (3&5). Everything has been fine for the past three years, except for his extremely low sex drive for the past year. He has now decided to go from being a happy family who spends time together, when we are not working, to being gone lately. His boss talked him into going to church with him and he has been going now for two months. I am fine with that as long as he does not take the kids with him because I don't want any religion forced on them. I watch them and I am okay with doing it while he is at church on Sunday. It did not go so smoothly as that though, there was a lot of arguing over the matter because he told me that I was going to go to hell because I had not asked God for forgiveness. I have my religion and I am happy to have it. I don't go to church all of the time because I know what I believe and do not need to. I know that we do not agree, and I don't make a big deal out of it.
Anyway, he has now decided that he is going to go out on mondays to the church and play basketball. It doesnt stop there, he wants to go running for the remaining days of the week except for sunday when he will go to church. Am I wrong to want him to stay home with his family instead of leaving me at home with the kids to watch while he goes out with his friends though the week? I am by myself all of the time and he is out with his friends. What happened? I tried to talk to him about it and he told me that I was being selfish and he WAS going to go do this. I can find somehting to do he said.

[emmyn74]

Anyway, I am getting tired of it and I tried to talk to him. He thinks that I am making a big deal out of it all and refuses to talk. I am sick of being home with the kids and only going out when he doesnt have anything else to do. I cant take three kids with me anywhere to where it will be a fun experience. Two arent even my kids! What can I do? This may sound kind of minor but it seems like I am a sitter for his kids, a housecleaner, and someone to have sex with WHEN he wants it. I honestly don't know how this sounds so I would like honest opinions please. Let me know if I sound too selfish. Thanks

[pertykitty]

i will be honest not to hurt but maybe to shed some light. i think you are both overwhelmed right now. he has found god and goes to church to better his life. let him take his children, im not sure why you feel he cant. you say in one sentance you want to make the choices of that for them, yet you feel like a babysitter. maybe you both could scout out a church or place of worship that works for all of you to do together. i understand the strain of a combined family. it takes work. when we are the ones who watch the kids, cook, clean, ect it is very overwhelming at times. i have some friends (they dont have children though) that made a chore list. both have their set of chores and that way nobody can say it wasnt done. i think before you both enter marriage you should figure out the path that works out best for everyone. like his running. could he do it early in the morning so it doesnt take time away from the evening? (i dont think you said what time of the day he does this)> maybe there can be a time of the week where you get to go out without children to do errands, or find a sitter and the two of you have a date night. i have one child from a previous marriage. i married again a year ago in a few weeks and he had no children. it has taken work on everyones part to get the new family to feel just like that. i understand where you are coming from, does he? im sorry this is so long and i hope maybe it helps give some ideas just even a bit. i wish the 5 of you the best of luck!

[RockRose]

What does his religion say to HIM about having sex outside of marriage,  living with a woman in "sin"?  It seems mighty two-faced of him to stay you're the one going to hell,  looks to me his religion would put you both in that basket.

What is that verse about pull the log out of your own eye before commenting on the splinter in your neighbor's eye?

[pixijal]

Your right, you cannot do anything with ease when you have 2 three year olds and a five year old.  You didn't mention whether or not you have a wedding date set, but I currently wouldn't get married during this upset.  This HAS to be ironed out, a major difference in religous beliefs will not go smooth in one household while attempting to raise three children.  It absolutely will not work, especially if he refuses to talk.  Is this not worth it to him?

I have seen all too many times that when people get involved in a new religion, that they kind of 'turn off' or 'get away' from the people they were involved with outside of the religion.  I have seen people turn their backs on parents and close siblings when they convert.  If he won't discuss this, and you are not interested in getting involved, I don't feel this relationship stands much of a chance.  He is obviously getting very involved in this religion, and less involved in your personal relationship....not a good sign.

Who cares if he takes HIS kids to church with him, just keep yours with you, and spend alone time with her.  

The bottom line is:  He is spending too much extracirricular time outside of the family and relationship, and that is not okay with you.  Even if those children were all yours, you shouldn't be the one home all of the time while he is out playing.  If you continue to allow him to get away with this, the level of resentment that will build up will make you very angry, and you may terminate the relationship later.  I wouldn't put yourself in this position.  You must tell him that it is not okay to treat you this way, and if he won't talk, you just might have to walk.  I would take this seriously, and I would absolutely not marry under these conditions...

[PlateletGal]

When someone is telling you that you are "going to hell" for whatever reason, they are judging you.

I honestly don't know what to say to you other than he has chosen another path in life. I had a friend in high school who was very religious, loved rock n' roll and then all of a sudden it wasn't okay to listen to rock n' roll anymore. I felt bad for her because she was always conflicted. Religion is a powerful thing.

Perhaps talk to him about these issues. I guess you have to make some very important decisions and whatever you decide, to stick to your guns and do what you believe is best for you and your children.

[emmyn74]

Thank you everyone for responding. I am going to try to talk to him one more time and see if he will talk with me and not just sit there and refuse. We did not have a date set, but I did tell him that because of this, I was calling off any plans that we were making to get married. I do realize what everyone is saying about how they are his kids and I know that I was wrong in that. I will just keep my daughter and he can take his kids wherever he goes. Lately I have been feeling like we are not going to last because of this sudden change so I agree with the poster above. I know that he is going against his religion by living with me and by having a child without being married. I think it is just all to impress his boss and for him to get in good with the crowd that he works with. I don't think he really believes what they say there when he goes. All I can do is try to talk with him and if he won't take it seriously, then I guess I will have to leave and try again with someone else.

[PlateletGal]

I think one thing is important. Just because your fiance wants to take your children to church, doesn't mean that you don't have the right to talk to your children and inform them that some people have other beliefs... other religions, etc.

One thing that happens is if you are a member of a certain religion, chances are your children are going to be a member of that religion as well. I am very fortunate in the sense that my parent's let me explore different options, not pressure me and let me draw my own conclusions.

[ticked]

In my opinion if he continues in the church, you will not get married, and the relationship will not last or work because of the simple fact of religion.  If he believes in something as deep as religon and you dont that is a problem and it will only get worse.  Two people unequally yoked do not last.  What is going to happen is your child will start wondering why she/he cant go and what if she/he asked to go?  Why are you going to say NO when the other two can go? They are brothers and sister and two can go but one cant.  To me that is more trouble than its worth and its not fair to the children to be put into the middle of relgion and what you and he beleive

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I agree with Rockrose that it is odd he judges you while continuing to "live in sin", but maybe he is very sincerly seeking God and is still working things out.

He should run early in the am.  I get my sorry butt out of best 3 times a week and go to the gym for 5:30 as that is the only time that does not interfere with my family.  If he has a night out once a week, you should have mummy's night out once a week as well.

Don't judge his motives for going to church, he may be very sincere as he looks for more depth in his life.  If you cannot accept a religious man, than he is not for you.  Doesn't make either of you a bad person, just not well suited to each other.

In any case, don't be a doormat, speak up for yourself, if you can't work things out, move on without attacking or being hateful.  Bad behaviour only reflects poorly on you and is a bad example for your child.

Finally, you mentioned that you have your own religion, but did not define it.  If it is not completely against your beliefs, why don't you visit his church over the hollidays?  What is probably drawing him is a sense of community.  

I am a church goer, I don't describe myself as "religious" as that implies rules, suppression, etc.  I am just a flawed human being trying to give God the proper place in my life.  Maybe that's where he is.

Good luck to you, I know this is a hard time, but you will get through it.

[turnoppics]

Just another angle - no judgement here, but have you considered just trying church with him once or twice to see what its all about? You seem very angry and suspicious of his motives, but you may be pleasantly surprised by the warm welcome you will receive there.

I'm a Christian, but don't consider myself religious at all. I go to church every Sunday and a prayer group one night a week and its such an important part of my life. The friends I have at church are fantastic and a great support to me and my family. When my marriage split up five years ago, my Christian friends rallied around, babysitting so that I could go out and invited me to join them for meals and outings at the weekend.

I have three children and when they were young I took them all to church. Now they are older they have all made their own choices. My eldest is really involved and comes along every week, my middle boy never comes to any church events all and my youngest comes along occasionally.

I'm not pushing my views on you at all - but I wonder if by joining your partner at church you will make new friendships and not feel so tied to the home and the babies and being part of something together could really strengthen your relationship.

I hope things work out well for you in the end. God Bless.

[jd1419]

I just read your post.  I don't know if you will see this or not-but as a word of caution some religions are cults.  Watch out if he does start to cut you and other out of your life.  Sometimes these religions tell there new followers you must get rid of your old life if they are not willing to join this new life.  Find out if that is the case, that they are counselling him on how to keep his life going.  Or if it is not like that, try joining him it may give you a more common ground and ways to meet new people that can become lifelong friends.

[Liza55]

One of the foundation building blocks in a relationship is religios preferences. You must be compatible in this area whether it's adopting a new religion or simply being comfortable practicing separate or even being 'not religious' together. You are no longer compatible in this area. Not only that, he has now completely treated the woman he is supposed to love with no respect (and thinks she'll go to hell-yikes). I would run...you will find someone more compatible. I also believe the posts about cults...discovering a religion is usually a joyous thing to share w/ a partner, not force it or judge the other person if they don't want to take part. He is literally putting you second and leaving you to go to this church....scary! What religion would condone that? I'm sure your gut too is telling you this probably is not the best for your children.