why does he do this?

[kraziekracka]

ok so i know its normal for guys to want to watch porn or look at pictures....i just dont understand why my b/f only looks at it when im not home...that all he looks at on the computer...it makes me feel bad cuz i think hes doing it cuz im not good enough or pretty enough for him....wat do u think??

[luv4child06]

I felt that way when I found out my husband was looking at porn.  Some guys just have a desire to look at it to get out repressed sexual issues or simply because they are curious.  My suggestion is talk to him about it.  While I'm sure it is not because of you in anyway, let him know how it makes you feel.  Inevitably, it may be something you can do together to enhance your sex life.  If you are not into it let him know that it bothers you.

[barn babe]

If your partner's looking at porn is the biggest problem you have, I'd say you've got a pretty good relationship there. Sorry. I myself watch plenty of porn, and I'm female - it's perfectly normal and natural for many people to be aroused  visually by pornographic material. I don't value my partner any less because I look at porn. Sometimes we watch it together, sometimes I watch it when he's not around. Depends on my mood. :)

I'd look at what's causing you to feel so insecure that you feel not valued by your partner. Chances are, it has nothing to do with his watching porn. My guess is that you probably would feel this way whether or not somebody is looking at x-rated material. If you are insecure about yourself in some area, start examining why. The porn might be a "trigger" for your insecurities, but those insecurities are going to be there regardless of the porn.

[barn babe]

I want to add that there are times when looking at porn can be a problem, but that has more to do with it affecting somebody's life to the point that they aren't going to work, aren't paying the bills, spending all of their money on porn or on sex workers, or whatever. It doesn't sound like this is happening in your situation, but only you would know that.

If it makes you feel badly, maybe the two of you can agree that he only look at it when you're not around?  I think the better alternative is for you to examine why it makes you feel badly in the first place, however.

[slow_healer]

I agree with the previous poster. My partner and I both look at porn. We both know we do it and have no qualms. It doesn't create problems because we STILL make time to adore and appreciate each other. IMO humans are naturally promiscuous creatures, and ignoring/suppressing that quality will lead to issues later on down the road.

I would guess your boyfriend does it when you're not home because it's personal and embarrassing (if caught) - not to mention you don't approve of it (which he can probably already guess about you). I don't watch porn when my partner is home because I don't want him to feel rejected, but he knows I do it when he's not home because sometimes I am just plain horny. End of story.

Talk to your partner about it, and think about why it bothers you. Like the previous poster said, it's probably not the porn itself that is the real issue.

[thenextRonaldinho]

i think porn is an addicitve drug that shouldn't be in our world

porn leads to rape..sexual abuse..hoes..slutss..etc
but unfortunately its a money making genious
thats the problem with certain countries
why even have it in the first place

imma dude..
in my culture we're not allowed to watch porn
even if i was...i still think its simply ****** up

[slow_healer]

Sorry but I have to disagree about porn leading to hoes, sexual abuse, sluts, and so on. These things existed long before "pornography" became available on videos, internet, etc. AND cultures in which porn is absent STILL have issues of sexual abuse, sex for sale, etc. That attitude follows the same kind of thinking that says women who enjoy sex are prostitutes and the size of a man's penis is a reflection of female desire (both of which ARE FALSE).

Pornography is built up to be a terrible, sinful, and monstrous thing. While it has an ugly history, its existance reflects OUR nature as human beings. We can't blame something ugly for creating ugly in us - not when it's the other way around.

[BearHitch]

I would suggest if it bothers you, that you should talk to your boyfriend about it and express this.  There is nothing wrong with it bothering you, and if it is unacceptable for that to be going on in your relationship, end it.  There are a lot of people who post about a significant other looking at porn and while plenty of research has been done to show the results of porn, only you can make the decision if you want it to be a part of your relationship.

[barn babe]

"porn leads to rape..sexual abuse..hoes..slutss..etc
but unfortunately its a money making genious
thats the problem with certain countries
why even have it in the first place"

Show us the research. The onus is on you to show us the evidence indicating that porn leads to, well, much of anything. There's been study after study done on the effects of porn (a lot of it quite dated, like from the 1980s, when U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese went on some kind of weird legal bender and was determined to prove that porn was so harmful it should be removed from the market. I still remember that - the guy spent millions of taxpayer dollars to find out that looking at porn leads to...absolutely nothing.)

So, Ronald, show us the  data. I'll be happy to take a look at it.  

"imma dude.."

Good for you. I'm not. And I look at porn - magazines, videos, writing.

"in my culture we're not allowed to watch porn"

That's a shame. Singapore? I'm not familiar with the countries banning porn, but I'd be curious to know where you are.  

"even if i was...i still think its simply ****** up"

Eat sour grapes much? Hey, I'll take your word for it. Yep. Uh huh. But you don't know what you're missing. :)

[barn babe]

"There is nothing wrong with it bothering you, and if it is unacceptable for that to be going on in your relationship, end it."

Now that would be a shame - to END a relationship because your S.O. looks at porn. Especially - especially - if we are talking about a habit that in no way impacts larger parts of one's life, like losing a job because of it, ignoring a partner, etc. If your partner won't have sex with you but ONLY looks at porn, then you've got a problem. Is this what you are talking about?  My guess is, probably not, but you tell me.  I also think you undermine your own argument with this gem:

"There are a lot of people who post about a significant other looking at porn"

Why do you think that is, BearHitch? Could it possibly be that the overall cultural mores around porn dictate a certain attitude that's been ingrained in us? Could it possibly be that we as women are being programmed to feel awful about ourselves, competitive towards other women, and overall flooded with messages on a daily basis letting us know, both subtlely and not so subtlely, that we are simply not good enough in terms of our attractiveness, our body habitus, our looks, or whatever, and porn becomes an easy target of transference (yes, I said it, transference) for our own insecurities?  

If a woman has a problem with a man looking at porn, I would have to say that she better make it clear - very clear - up front before getting involved with that guy, that she won't tolerate it. And good luck to her finding a partner who won't do it on the sly, either, after making such a demand on him. I don't think I've ever known any man who didn't look at porn (except for "Ronald" on this thread, I guess) and I know plenty of women who do as well. Porn is out there, and it's not going away.

You want to talk about porn, let's talk about how sex is used to sell pretty much everything under the sun, and nobody bats an eye about that. Now that's pornographic. Sex used for conspicuous consumption. X-rated film producers are being straight with us about their motives - you want to see people having sex - here it is.

The biggest "pornography" occurring today, of course, is this bloody illegal occupation of Iraq. Now that's violence against women. Over 300,000 Iraqi women have  been killed. That, my friend, is porn.

[slow_healer]

barnbabe, with increasing frequency I agree with you. True "porn" is not just watching videos of multiple men having sex with women. Blaming society for its faults on porn is like blaming a woman who's being beaten by her husband - these things are SYMPTOMS (not causes). If people really want to do away with porn, do away with the demand for porn FIRST (good luck!)

Is it possible that women put too much pressure on themselves and their partners with expectations that we must meet ALL each other's needs?

lol, and let not forget how many men consider porn to be their sexual education. Pornography does serve more than a depraved role in our society.

To the original poster: have you talk to your partner about this yet? Regardless of all the opinions here, how you feel about looking at porn is your own personal choice that your partner should be aware of. Believe him if he says he cares and desires you. Tell him you're afraid it will lead to certain things. He'll probably say he's looked at it since he was in his teens and it hasn't turned him insane yet. Work out a compromise... But I wouldn't let this be the deal breaker if I were you.

[barn babe]

"Is it possible that women put too much pressure on themselves and their partners with expectations that we must meet ALL each other's needs?"

Excellent point, slow_healer. Excellent point. It's part of the "romantic" fantasy that we Westerners have  of relationships. It used to be that relationships served an economic purpose - dowrys, inheritance of land, procreating large families to maintain the farmstead, and all of that. (And I should know about farmsteads, being a barn babe, and all) :)

In the 19th-20th centuries, it was no longer necessary to view marriage economically. We could view marriage (relationships, I guess, even later) through the lens of a somewhat higher order of human growth - emotional growth, sexual fulfillment, individual desire, compatibility on other  levels, etc. Hence, "romantic love" began to define relationships/marriage. As I stated somewhere else, the core definition of a relationship is the exclusive use of another person's genitals. That is the very basic premise on which the majority of Westerners base their partnerships.

Unfortunately, this romantic notion of love (especially during a time when we are living for longer and longer, 8 decades of life, or more) falls woefully short for the majority of people. We hook up, we become disenchanted, we don't know how to communicate our needs (there was no need for this when economics dictated relationships--women were shut out of decision-making altogether and "put in their place), and essentially it's become one huge flail in terms of making a relationship work.

And largely, I think, because of the point you make - our expectations placed upon the other partner are huge. Huge. And wrongfully so. We just can't get everything we need from one person. I would argue that it is humanly impossible over the many-decades-long lifespan we live. People change. How much do you think you've changed just in one decade?  It's mind-boggling, really, that our expectations for our partners are SO high. It's also extremely naive.

I think many relationships are pressure cookers waiting  to blow. Unmet needs, inability to communicate, thwarted desires, feeling won-down and emotionally beaten or unsupported - this probably is an apt description of more relationships than we all care to admit to.

Interesting discussion, slow_healer.

[kraziekracka]

thanks everyone...i dont remember all the questions everyone has asked me...i do remember one...we still have sex...he doesnt look at it all the time...just when im not home and most of the time were always together so its very rare i guess...i just wonder why he looks at it but i know almost every man does...i dont even know why it bothers me really...it jus does

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I am not going to comment on much of what has been said here....

I think the main thing is you and your partner should define what is acceptable in your relationship.  If porn is unacceptable and hurts you a loving partner should be able to accomodate that.  

I personally do not use porn, nor does my husband.  That is our choice based on a shared definition of what marriage should be.  

You must make a decision as to what is acceptable for you.

[slow_healer]

Hey krackie, those are completely fair feelings to have. I'm glad you can acknowledge that it's not something consuming your relationship.

"it makes me feel bad cuz i think hes doing it cuz im not good enough or pretty enough for him"

To be fair a LOT of women feel the way you do (just as a lot of men do to see their partners flirting/ogling/tittering over some other guy). But the porn alone shouldn't determine whether or not he cares about you. A guy friend once told me that it's not big breasts or asses that draw him to looking at porn - it's something *different*. He was very adamant that it doesn't matter which woman he is with - eventually he'll always feel the need to see/experience something different. NOT great words of wisdom if you want to believe in the power of male-female love. I don't 100% agree with him, but I thought it was an interesting perspective to share.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is quite like the guy I mentioned (hopefully not!), but work on a compromise where you can both be happy. I suspect that if you were confident that he is ultimately attracted and in love with you, the porn issue wouldn't matter so much. Good luck!

[baby_onthe_way]

So change the password on the computer and dont tell him it.

[staind2lea]

This is the first time I have ever had to deal with this kind of problem and i dont know how to get passed the porn to get on with our relationship.

[softandsweet]

We just got a computer 4 months ago and have never had the Internet before.  We had been together for 2 years.  Everything was great.  He treated me great.  3 months ago he wanted anal sex for the first time. It seems weird but I did it.  Last week he kept looking at 15 and16 year old girls in front of me in the grocery store.  Last night he called me an old menopausal *****.  I am to young for menopause and not a *****.  I got on the computer and saw that he has been looking at lots of teen porn sites.  Does anything know if something like that might be causing his bad behavior?  I have been crying all day.