wife is not interested in me because of my overweight

[robert_chaku]

Hello all, thanks for reading my problem. I am 30 years old and have been married for last 6 years. We have a 6 month old baby..I always have a very strong desire to have sex (almost everyday) after our marriage. However, my wife is not that way and I can really count on my fingertips about how many times she enjoyed sex with me in last 6 years. After she got pregnant last year, we didn't have sex at all since she was insisting that having sex would harm the baby (even though our doctor denied that fact). After delivery, she recovered for couple of months and we didn't have sex. in last four months, we had sex 2 or 3 times and that too I had to insist her..

Now, she is refusing to have sex with me.. The reason she is giving is I am obese.. I am around 210 lbs and little less than 6 feet.. I think I am overweight but I don't think I am obese...every night I request her to have sex but she turns me down giving the same reason.. she also tells me almost everyday (and every chance she gets) as how ugly I have become because of my overweight.. I have always been around 200 lbs and I accept the fact that I am little careless about my food intake and do not exercise much.. She is staying home with the baby and have not worked after our marriage. I am working with one of the biggest firms in US and making six figure salary..

Although I agree with her about my overweight and my non-commitment to reduce the weight.. I don't agree with her about her approach of not having sex at all.. I never had any relationship with any other girls and I am a very straight forward and faithful person.. and she knows that fact..she tells me that unless i loose 40 lbs, she would not have sex with me..

I am not sure how should I handle this....I have lost my self-respect.. I have begged her many times but she does not yield.. I don't know what should I do.. please help.

[Redhenful]

Your wife is not being very nice to you at all.. Thats such a shame.  :o(
Sorry..

[sosas28]

Hello robert_chaku
I agree if everyone here. If your wife really loves you the weight don't have anything to do if you tell me she said that because of your health is something else. Look take time and talk to her about sex ask her what she likes and what she don't like talk about everything like you guys were friends, watch movies together if she like to see them have lots of communication maybe that's the problem that theres no communication in your marriaged. Make her feel special make a romatic dinner, take her flowers do something diferent just you and her. I hope this can help you it did for me. And remember you are a good men and the weight don't make you a less person.
Good luck !!!!

[teko]

I think some people are turned off by overweight people, I do think tht happens more than we know. With that said I think she is giving you a load of crap. Obviously she is not interested in sex with you but obviously it is more than your weight. Are you constantly pressuring her for sex, thereby turning her off with it? Do you spend time talking, having fun, and when you do have sex are you masterful in your technique making sure she is enjoying it before yourself? It could be so many things or even a compilation of things that are going on. How is your marriage other than the sex?

[ak0607]

Try to show her some good films and provide good literature to read. Some stimulation may create your reqirement to her. It seems  either some harmonal problem or she is getting her needs fulfilled from somewhere else.

[AnnieBrooke]

Myenzoorka said "There is a slight chance she's dealing with postpartum depression, causing her to be nastier about the whole thing, I suppose.  And with having a baby of only 6 months old, she could be very overwhelmed by the sensation of being touched - it happens a lot."  If this all only has happened since the baby, I would agree.  I really lost a lot of libido when I was taking care of my infant and breastfeeding ... for some women, it is almost an either-or thing, being a mom or being a sexy wife.  But I still don't think your wife has cause to be so nasty or insulting.  If it is true that her weight puts her off, she could say it more kindly and supportively, and if she's being this mean, it seems like she's really just tired of more than sex.  Possibly of the marriage?  She owes it to you to let you know, if that is what is really going on, rather than simply chop at you with an axe.

[HeatherLF16]

Another thought could it be that she feels bad about her appearance since the baby?  Maybe she does... so she blames it on you for an excuse in attemp to  making herself feel better?

[HeatherLF16]

I don't agree with your wife at all in the way she is treating you.  I am sure there are things you could say about her too no body is perfect she should try to encourage you not make you feel bad about yourself.
I too have been married for 6 years, and there have been times I haven't wanted to have sex with my husband as well.  I would never say the things your wife says to you to my husband.  I try my best to treat him how I would like to be treated, I just had a baby and I am not what I used to be either.... I would be heartbroken if my husband said something about my appearance.  My husband is not in the same shape that he was when we married.  But, that is not really what bothers me.  What bothers me is that he doesn't care for himself anymore.  Doesn't eat right, smokes, and got lazy since we married.  I love him and want him to be healthy... the fact that he doesn't really care to get healthy for me and his son is what turns me off... it's the lack of motivation not the looks.  I tell him that I love him and want him around never mention the weight factor or say anything that would hurt him.  Since I had the baby I told him let's get healhty together.  We have been cooking together, going on walks and encouring each other. Also, with that laziness comes the lack of romance.  Begging for sex is a turn off.  You should try to get healthy for yourself.  Maybe once she sees you trying and sees you gaining self esteem and movitation it will turn her on.  
Also, marriage is a partnership where both peoples needs should be met.  Maybe you could agree to do this for her if she agrees to make an effort for you.  There is always couseling as well =)

[kay2486]

Hi
i dont think its your weight either, my boyf was slim when i met him and 6 yr later hes gained 3-4 stone but that doesnt put me off sex,

i would say its the mood swings and if shes on birth control it could be that, but all women have mood swings at time of the month, i certainly have mood swings at this time and i know it, aswell as abreak from sex this could get her used to not having sex and not want it often, i find this sometimes, and if she has it more often then shed want it more but you gotta find a way of getting it first.

talk to her, ask her why?

she may have fell out of love, its hard to hear but you've gotta look at all the options here, n telling u to loose weight is horrible my boyf is 200 lbs n hes not that big so 200 aint obese duck, do not think u r unattractive by being told by her u need to loose weight, how would she like it if she gained 3 stone baby weight n u told her that, she would feel hurt like u do.

my boyf used to call me a tramp because i couldnt afford designer clothes and i was flipping pregnant, he wont say it now, but i still feel a bit hurt by that,

i hope you resolve your problem and suggest relationship councilling :)

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie,  I don't think it's your weight.   Sounds like you've always weighed about somewhere about the same.

I think she doesn't want to have sex and you could lose down to a buff 165 and she'd still not want to ever have sex.

Is she on the pill?  Sometimes that causes women to completely lose their libido.  

Best wishes.  She sounds cold and cruel.

[myenzoorka]

You're a bigger man than most (in a good way) to not want to hurt our feelings after what she's doing to you.  I agree with Annie - it sounds like your wife is avoiding sex with you (for what reason, I don't know) and she's using your weight as an excuse that could possibly be believable.  There is a slight chance she's dealing with postpartum depression, causing her to be nastier about the whole thing, I suppose.  And with having a baby of only 6 months old, she could be very overwhelmed by the sensation of being touched - it happens a lot.  But, that doesn't excuse how she's treating you.  If you really want to put up with her behavior, try sticking to a better food and exercise plan and showing her you are committed to it.  Try approaching her again when you've lost a few pounds and see what happens.

I went through a similar issue with my husband - he had very little desire, I had gained weight (yes, he's very big on appearances) - BUT he NEVER told me I was ugly or flat out refused sexual contact.  He, at least, had the decency to encourage me gently to lose weight for my health - and only when backed into a corner did he admit that my weight was unattractive to him.  I have since lost about 35 pounds and now he's chasing me like crazy.  So, unfortunately, yes - people can be that shallow (heck, I'd love to see my husband gain some weight - but that doesn't stop my attraction).  Personally, though, I wouldn't put up with how she's treating you.  The ugly and obese comments have to stop!

[robert_chaku]

Thanks Annie for your response.. I am not thinking about break-up at all and that is not an option. I am always about this much weight.. I think she has been telling me to loose weight for years now and since that didn't work, she is now taking an extreme step. I am 5 11 and have a muscular body.. If I ask 10 people about my weight, probably 5 of them would think that I am fine..

I will try not to hit my self-respect. Do you think I need to loose 40 lbs before I go to her for sex ? First of all I need to have self-control not to ask her for sex.. which would be extremely difficult for me.. also would that be the right thing on her part ? I mean you love the person what he or she is.. I can also find 100 problems with her and give all the excuses.. but I accept her for what she is as a whole.. I love her and will love her.. and I don't want her hurt her in anyways.. I don't want to hurt her feelings..and that is the main problem..

[AnnieBrooke]

Try not to let it hit your self-respect, it really just sounds like she just doesn't want sex with you, and the losing 40 lbs. thing is her present excuse.  When you were lighter, did she want sex?  

You could lose the weight and see if she changes her tune.  Weight Watchers could take it off you pretty quickly.  You say you're a little less than 6 feet.  How tall is that exactly?  If it's 5 foot 11, you could lose 40 lbs., but if it's 5 foot 9, then you might need to talk her out of the amount and into perhaps a 30-lb. weight-loss goal.

If what she is really put off about is your physical tone (in other words, soft muscles or a big gut) she should tell you.  A lot of guys look fine at 200 lbs. because their muscles are in great tone.  

Finally, you have a baby.  This is worth trying really hard to save the marriage for, to her and to you, I think.  I'd try counseling, first for you if she won't go, and then couples counseling.  I'd simply tell her that it would be a marriage breaker if you two have such problems that she doesn't ever want sex again, and you want to be able to talk it out in counseling.

Good luck.