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work it out or divorce
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work it out or divorce

I have been married with my wife since Feb.21,2000 and we have four adorable kids. I notice a change in her attitude and her behavior in Mid AUG.2010. She started to leave early for work and stay late at times saying she was working a little late and she would not lay her cell phone down for anything. I did a little investigating into the issue and found out during labor day weekend she was cheating on me with a 24 year old, I'm 34 and she is 31. We both sat down and talked about the situtation and agreed that we would try to work things out which look promising for about a week until i found out she was still calling and texting the guy telling him how much she missed him. I also found out that the guy works with her and she would pick him up from his house and drop him off in the morning. Which is why she would leave early and get home late. Regarless of the situtation i said to my self i love this woman with all my heart and im going to fight for our marriage and its 10 years we been married im not going to give up that easy. I kept trying to work things out some days were good others werent. One day she would tell me she did want to work things out but other days she would say no. Once i found out where the guy lived i would see my wife at his house when she would tell me she was somewhere else but i new it was a lie. Just 2 weeks ago i stop at the guys house and had a long talk with him about what the hell was going on, dont know if it was a good or bad move but i just did it. He told me that he had been telling my wife to stop coming over and that he did not want to see her anymore once he found out that she was married. He said at first he did not now she was married but once he found out he did not want to see her as he did not want drama or problems. He said she kept coming, calling and texting him that she wanted to see him. I dont really believe any of it to tell you the truth but while i was there my wife was sitting outside in a car. He told me that she had been there for about 1 hour and she wanted to see him but she would not leave. Later that day she took the kids to our house, which by the way should moved out about 3 weeks ago and left me and the kids. She drop the kids at our house and told them she didn't love them, needed them, they would never see her again and for my kids to stop calling her or texting her. She told me to take care of them and we would never see her or talk to her again. I was totally in shock when i heard her say that to me and the kids. She ask me for a divorce and i went ahead and filed for it which she got served about 2 days ago. She broke down and ask why i had filed so i replied that she is the one who requested it and i ask her numerous times before i did if she was sure and she said yes so i filed. Now she is blaming me for getting a divorce and gots me so confused as to what she really feels and want. I know its not my fault as she is the one who created this mess but do i need to get a divorce or just give her time to think things thru.....need someones input.
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Avatar_f_tn
get rid she is unstable,she left you thinking the grass would be greener on the other side and has found out that it isnt,she has treated you and your kids appaulling,and the other guy has probably dumped her so now she is alone thinking i will just go back to the man that will let me do anything and still loves me,until the next time,you or your children do not deserve this in your lives let her sort her own mess out,she created it,she can fix it,get the divorce,you have been through enough.
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18 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Ugh.  Your post makes me sad.  I will tell you that I almost always tell couples with kids to try to work it out.  I'm not going to do that here.  This is just my opinion, of course.  Your wife makes me ill.  I know there are always two sides to every story and maybe there were things going on in your marriage that weren't great that you don't mention here------------- but frankly, her choices show her extreme lack of character.  All of her pity time she spent pining away for some other guy---------- where were her kids (4 of them age 10 or younger????).  Some mother.  And to then drag those little innocent children into things and say the things she did to them---------------  she is toxic.  

I'm possibly having an emotional reaction to this story so forgive me.  But I'm pretty disgusted by your wife's actions.  If she showed an ounce of remorse or tried her best to make it up to you and the kids------------  I'd say intensive therapy was the way to go and to work on it. But she isn't.  To be honest, I wonder if she is clinically depressed.  Do you think her mental health is intact?

I think you need to just make sure these kids are provided stability.  Since she left you, make sure you document everything.  She may later go after custody.  I think your job is a tough one here----------- you also must remain neutral in what you say about her to the kids.  Every child needs both parents------------  so encourage a healthy relationship between them and her.  But protect yourself legally in the mean time.

I'm really sorry this has happened.  I wish I could say----------  fight for the marriage, work it out and everything will be okay.  I wish you peace of heart and strength.  good luck
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Avatar_m_tn
Well we have had small arguements just like any other marriage but nothing serious. We had a good happy relationship atleast in my eyes. Everything look find until the day i found out she was cheating and then it seem that her attitude and her thought of me changed from good to bad. She told me she was not in love with me anymore and she didnt know if she still wanted to be with me. But like i said then she would tell me she did want to work things out. Some times i wonder if the guy got her on drugs or if she's having a nervous breakdown. I just that the is not the woman i married or in love with.
I also feel bad for my kids because they are the ones hurting the most right now. They dont want us to split up.
Like i said she is the one who requested the divorce and moved to her sisters house but she still comes to the house and stays there just about every day. I told her the other day she need to make decision as my house was not a hotel where she could just come and go as she pleases and i would not allow her to disrespect me or our home like that.
She went with me to see a psychogist 3 times but then she refused to go and says she doesnt need help.
I have been taking my son 10 and daughter 9 to see the psychogist as they are the ones who really know what is going on and are hurting the most. My two other daughters 7 and 5 dont really understand what is going on.
I really appreciate your opinion as i need a different point of view from someone else. THNKS....
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13167_tn?1327197724
Dad, I agree with what Specialmom said but I also think she needs an eval from a psychiatrist,  not a psychologist.  A medical doctor who can diagnose a medical problem if there is one.

For her to tell the kids she doesn't love them or need them and they won't be seeing her ever again is bizarre,  given that she's now surprised you filed for divorce and is coming around all the time.  

Best wishes.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm with both ladies. Your wife needs some help. As a wife and mother...even IF I did cheat on my husband (which I never would) I could NEVER in a million years dream of telling my children I didn't love them or want them.

As far as the divorce goes, I'm not sure what to tell you. If you think it's what's best for you AND the kids do it. If you want to wait and see if she would go see a psychiatrist first...do that. Just look at what you think would be best for your children. Right now...your wife is toxic to them. If there is indeed something mentally wrong and she's willing to fix it...who knows.
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Avatar_m_tn
Well i'm leaning more on the divorce even thou that is not what i really want since i love this women but at the same time i have to do what is best for both of us and the kids at this moment.
The way she is acting is very strange and im pretty scared of what she might do to me or our kids if im not around. I did tell her that she need to get help and straighten her life out but she denied that she needed help. i try not to argue or get her upset as at this stage i dont know how she would react.
As far as the divorce i feel same as you i dont know why she is suprised that i filed if she requested it and i ask her numerous times within the last 2 weeks if she was sure and she replied to me as yes.
At the same time thou i feel i have some sort of responsiblity to help her and i worry about her so i guess that is another reason i try not to get her upset. But i do belive she needs some sort of help. I have tried to talk to her sisters but they said she wont open up to them either so they are in the same situtation as me i guess.
Any suggestions?
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973741_tn?1342346373
There is no doubt about it.  Seperation and divorce is painful and kids have a really hard time with it.  I also think she is doing loads of damage being around them at this point as well.  I think when it comes to custody and visitation, I'd request a psych eval.  I'm really guessing something clinical is going on and it will need to be treated for her to be a stable and safe person for the kids.  

I understand that you feel a sense of responsibility and really respect that.  You've been asking her to get help right?  You set up appointments with a psychologist which I agree with Rockrose---------  she needs to go one step further.  But often times the psychologist can be convincing in the argument to do that more so than our spouse.  

You can only do so much.  You need to protect your kids.  I say that just because her behavior is so eratic and at their young ages, they will not understand this.  Heck, I don't understand it.  So---------  you can encourage her.  YOu can tell her that the divorce will be filed unless she sees a psychiatrist with you present.  She may get mad but she IS making a choice at that point.  

Ugh.  I feel so bad for you and your kids.  wishing you peace.
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Avatar_f_tn
Is she using drugs? Because her behavior and attitude are off the charts! To actually say those things to her own children! Its over dude! Not gonna work, ever! And since she is the mother of those children, it will never be over. There will always be drama. Make her own up to her responsibility for those kids too! Whether the marriage works or not those kids still need taken care of and since your used to 2 paychecks, she gets to help like it or not! You my man are better off without her, and those kids surely deserve so much better than what they are getting! That just plain child abuse! You need to leave her butt sit and spin and go on with your life. She sounds psychotic! Sorry.
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Avatar_f_tn
get rid she is unstable,she left you thinking the grass would be greener on the other side and has found out that it isnt,she has treated you and your kids appaulling,and the other guy has probably dumped her so now she is alone thinking i will just go back to the man that will let me do anything and still loves me,until the next time,you or your children do not deserve this in your lives let her sort her own mess out,she created it,she can fix it,get the divorce,you have been through enough.
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Avatar_m_tn
I made plans to go with my kids today to the kids museum today with the school and she decided to tag along. I really dont want her to go or do things with us as if nothing ever happen, i just feel very uncomfortable around her right now and dont know how to approach her without getting her upset or making her think im trying to keep the kids from her. She is very unstabble right now so i try my best to keep the situation calm and try not to talk about any of it. She stays at my house but does not live there but she seems as to always have a bad attitude towards me so it makes me very uncomfortable in my own home. How do i approach her to ask her if she could leave the house or what do i do or say to her....need some help?
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Avatar_f_tn
For starters she needs to see a psychiatrist. Not a physcologist. You have every right to be unsettled. Her behavior is predictable at best and if she goes off on another tantrum you need to call the police and have her removed from the premises. At this point you need to decide what is best for all involved and make decisions accordingly. If you do have to call the police, a restraining order will be issued and you can request thru the court, mandatory counseling if she refuses to cooperate. She does not get to rule the roost or control everyone around her. She sounds like she it totally unstable and selfish and yes, in serious need of mental help. It sounds like she could go off at any time. ***** to be you bro!
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Avatar_m_tn
I actually called the police which was the day she moved out of the house and left me and the kids. She got physical with me by hitting and scratching me and biting me. She tried real hard for me to put my hands on her, which i really got pist off about but it was hard not too but i did it and just walk away from it and police where called out and asked her to leave and i dropped the charges.

She moved in with her sister but still comes everyday and stay's at the house and leaves around 9:30 at night to go to work.

I'm totally shock about this whole mess im going thru never expected and just caught me by suprise i guess and since i never been thru something like this or seen her act this way since i knowed her its just crazy....

Trust me i dont wish this on anybody it is very stressful as i have lost about 28 pounds in the last 1 1/2 months since i found out.
Everyone keep me and my kids in your prayers.....or by the way pray for her too regardless of what she has done she is still person just needs help..
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Avatar_f_tn
Is there any possibility that she is playing with drugs? If not, she is seriously on the verge of a mental breakdown. Especially if this is a new personality for her with no previous warning. My son was with someone for years but she did meth. It finally killed her and now he is raising 4 kids all by himself. Im just saying, dont sit on it too long, get the help now if at all possible.
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Avatar_f_tn
Just tell her,if she is not willing to help herself then what more can you do,she is a risk to you and your children get her out,stuff being calm i would of gone nuts by now,she is playing with your emotions because she knows you area kind loving understanding guy.
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Avatar_f_tn
I would be sure the kids are in their rooms with the doors shut and\or locked then sit down with your soon-to-be ex and tell her how you feel. Let her know she wanted a divorce you gave it and now it's time for her to move on and get help.
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Avatar_m_tn
After everything my wife has put me and my kids thru she finally said she doesnt want to work things out right now. She say's she love me and always will because of the children but it's not the same feeling or love she had before. She said maybe after being apart and even thou we are getting divorce if our relationship is meant to be than we can get back together. I just dont see that happening since she fell in love with the other person. There relationship has ended but since she said she loved him i just dont see how we can work it out later.
She want's custody of the kids when we go to court but there is no way im giving her that after what she has put us thru and said what she did to my kids. Am i being selfish or doing the right thing of fighting for my kids and being worried she might react that way again.
I finally feel a little better and in peace now that i know how she feels and i dont have to try or stress myself out to work things out as i keep hitting a dead end. I'm going to move forward with my kids and try to be happy.
I appreaciate everyone that has posted there comments and advice on here it has help me alot to deal with this situtation.....i cant thank ya'll enough.
I will keep in touch!
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Avatar_f_tn
OMg! You are not being selfish, there is no way she should get custody of the kids and if she is granted visitation make sure you fight for supervised visitations! Make sure you have the police report and also I would have the kids see a child psychologist for two reasons: 1 - their health and well being and second for expert advice on what she said and did to the kids.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hello everyone! I just want to let everyone know that me and my kiddos are doing pretty good. We have our bad days here and there but more good than bad.

We finally went to our first court date for our divorce but she wants custody of the kids now. Man that was a big suprise to me as she abonded them about 3 weeks ago and told me to take care of them which i have everyday.
She comes around and does things with the kids but she didtn start doing this until she got served with the divorce papers and the other guy left her. Now she want to be around the kids and wants custody of them after the other guy left her.
Other than that me and the kids are doing good!
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Avatar_f_tn
Marige is not like a car you can not traid it in wen something gos rong wirh it. I dont bolive in mantol ilneses. I bolive that satan is ataking you throw your wife and you should stand your ground in this storm. God loves here to and she is the mother of your children. You dont live your spous behind. God dusent abanden those he loves and need healp. Truest me she dusent want a divors shes just lost. Pray for her and be there for her.
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