it started when i was very young (around 9 or 10 yo) when i realized my mind was feeling foggier and foggier and i told my mom about it. i explained it like i felt like i was walking thru a cloud and the closer to the center of the cloud i got the denser the fog and harder it was to focus on anything that wasn't already fun and even some of those were becoming harder and harder to do because i couldn't force my mind to focus...it was like trying to touch a cloud. well she dismissed it as me watching too much tv (more to make a point and less because i watched it alot) because i was usually begging to watch cartoons. this foggy feeling intensified and i grew increasingly panicked because i could feel myself being less and less able to think past it. this happened at the same time that alot of pressure to preform in school hit me as i never had problems w school before this and i wanted to get awards in school. i went to a christian A.C.E run school. big mistake as they dont have anything for kids who are having problems in school. worse yet my parents just assumed it was me not wanting to apply myself and my attempts to prove them wrong never worked. even today when im trying to get my ged they still say "just apply yourself". math is my worse subject but everything else with a system to it is next to impossible for me to remember enough of to successfully apply it. however im good in music by ear and creating art and learn social sciences innately. im really sensitive to noises and have been called overly sensitive more than a few times as i get upset when things are out of sink for me. im very flowy and need to be able to feel things for them to exist. things feel flat outside of the natural flow. i struggle with depression and have since i realized there was no fighting the fogginess in my head. it is now like one flow of energy and i can use it to read body language and personalities of other people i come into contact with but i can only go along with the flow never thru it. it never clears up. i dont know what it feels like to have a clear mind or how to think with the precision of a needle point pen. i have struggled my whole life with this impairment. but now i really need to get my ged finally but i cant even fill out a medical questionnaire without getting frustrated because i either cant remember my address or i get my phone number mixed up. also i have a problem with the medical questions themselves not being precise enough and therefore confusing/frustrating. i cant memorize anything without using it in practical everyday application because nothing sticks. if i do learn something new then i lose it if i stop refreshing my mind with the knowledge of how i found the understanding in the first place.
I cant focus in complete silence because i fijit but if too loud then i cant focus either. i must have a constant amount of noise that fluctuates a lil constantly so i dont fijit or lose focus. im easily frustrated by people who talk too much or alot or in circles. not as a pet peeve but more as a mental pain. after being exposed to a boyfriend with aspergers i have lost alot of my flow and am now constantly depressed. as you may know people with aspergers are rigid and usually cold out of ignorance or plain o dont care attitude. my ex is very negative as in he sees things only literally and has no subtle-ness or tactful-ness and these things make him appear very negative and puts me in the position to have to deal with a negative and careless personality (even tho he doesn't mean it) im effected by what he puts off and it paints my world like a series of boxes that cant be traversed. i want to move away from my boyfriend. and pretty much everyone i know so i can find my self again... i can lose that too if i am forced to live in someone else's world. i cant do that ill lose myself. literally. i start flowing whatever direction is strongest and most prominent in my life. i have a hard time holding a job. idk why. its just all of a sudden i start slipping and its like im climbing a mud mountain...i just cant reach the top. it may have something to do with not being able to learn new things for long without a structure being put around me to guide me long enough to make it permanent for me for at least a while. so ......what does this sound like? any questions to further your view would be helpful as i dont know what all is pertinent and there's alot i could mention. i really need a place or 5 to start from so i can get help . i dont know where to start so i haven't been able to get anywhere.
also i realize children need guidance to become good people but my 5 yr olds already lying to manipulate me and get what he wants and is very narcissistic. it bothers me so much i have to avoid him at times till his attitude changes. i dont want anything people who do not have integrity, i left his father for the same thing after trying to deal with it for 2 years. i know this sounds bad but i am really sensitive to mental dispositions. if someone is bad in some integral way or another i can sense it and i cant stand to be around them. this has been a source of grief for me for some time. i love my son but i cant stop getting angry when he acts out his narcissism or lyes to me or tells me what i want to hear so he can get what he wants out of me. with a straight and sincere face even... please help.
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