Going out of my mind

I am 32 years old and have been married for 10 years.  My husband and I have a 22 month old son at home.  My concern is this:  In February of 2005 he began an internet affair with an ex-girlfriend.  I didn't find out until May of 2005 and he said it had been over basically "before it began."  I called the other woman at the end of May and asked her if really was just an internet thing and she said no that in fact she came to my house one day while I was at work and "screwed my husband all over my house!"  To which I replied "did you use a condom because if you didn't, how do you know you didn't catch something, or how do you know I don't have something?" (which I don't) and she said "Well if you do, he didn't get it from me because I am clean.  I had cervical cancer and get checked all the time."

When I confronted him about it, he says nothing physical ever happened and that she was lying to drive a wedge between us.  I asked him to please get tested for STDs/HIV and even our marriage counselor asked him if he would do it to quell my anxiety and he told us both, as he has on many occassions, there is is not reason to be tested because he didn't have sex with her.  He maintains this story to this day.  

I am mainly concerned because in March of last year, right before I had surgery for a tubal ligation, my preop labs showed a white blood count of 4.5, which being in the medical field all my life, I know is very low.  Also right after my surgery I developed a sinus infection which turned into bronchitis and an ear infection which lasted until May of 2005.  I have also developed something called Lichens Sclerosis which my OB assures me has nothing to do with an STD, but I am still worried that my husband has made me sick.

I have always been healthy with the exception of my recurrent sinus problems which have occurred frequently over 10 years.  When I was biopsied for my LS by my OB, I asked her to run other tests and when she did a vaginal smear in the office, she said it didn't indicate any type of STD and that everything was "fine" down there.  I asked her in confidence about the HIV testing and she said she wouldn't worry about if she were me because the risk was low if ANYTHING did occur.

If the risk is SO low then why have I been so sick?  You cannot begin to imagine what I have been going through for close to a year now.  And my husband plays so dumb!  HE says if we were sick, we would both look sick, which he doesn't understand that people don't LOOK sick with HIV.  I am so scared I could just die right now.  My main concern is leaving my son behind.

Should I be right to worry or should I take my husbands word for it and move on?  This is literally ruining my life and all enjoyment of it.  I know the wise thing to do is get tested myself, but I am scared of the results.  The timeline of my infections just seemed to fall to conviently in the timeline for seroconversion.  

I am just terrified....could someone help me?

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

None of the symptoms you describe suggests HIV infection or any other STD.  And of course there are thousands of things other than HIV or STD that could explain why you have "been so sick".  Further, from your description, I agree the risk seems low even if your husband's friend is the truthful one.  (Of course I cannot venture a guess as to who is telling the truth.)  For what it is worth, you are wrong about your white blood cell count; counts on average are somewhat lower in women than men and 4500 is no big deal, assuming the differential--the distribution of white cell types--is normal.

In any case, if STDs and HIV are on your mind, you can be tested.  Your doctor's judgement about your risk sounds right, but he seems to have a condescending attitude; if it will relieve your anxiety by being tested and having negative results, which is what to expect, it should be done.  You need to bring it up again with your doctor.  Or find another provider; a Planned Parenthood clinic or your health department's STD or family planning clinic would be good sources for expert, nonjudgmental care.

Bottom line:  Get tested for HIV and common STDs (gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis); expect negative results; and try to relax in the meantime.

Good luck--  HHH, MD

[thiskilling]

man im so confused now..i dont know what to say or do....some people tells me to get tested after 8 weeks some tells me to get tested after 90 days, some tells me get tested after 6 months, and some tells me get tested every 3 months...k now who should i listen to..i do not have a doctor....why cant they have certain time line....going crazy..failing my classes, cant concentrate on any thing...maybe my risk was low.....i do not know????

[H. Hunter Handsfield, M.D.]

It's really not that complicated.  The longer you go, the more reliable a negative test.  Consider it 100% by 3 months, slightly less (maybe 99%?) by 6 weeks.  But 99% often is plenty of reassurance.  If someone has only a 1 in 10,000 risk of having caught HIV, a negative test with 99% reliability means a 1 in a million chance of missing the infection.  Good enough odds for most people without OCD or other anxiety disorders.  But if any particular person is not reassured by such a statistic, s/he should be tested again at 3 months.

HHH, MD

[thiskilling]

Thank You Doctor for your reply...i hope this help lot of people to understand the timing of this thing...thank you for you reply and good luck to everyone..i have been test 64th(9th week) came out negative day after questionalbe exposure first time unprotected ever..but thanks ..take care

[thiskilling]

well i got tested today 10th week and the lady who perform the test she told me the same thing as you Doc....virtually everyone shows positive after 6 weeks and she has been doing this test for past 20 years....she seem preety confident that..i will test negative after 2 more weeks and i feel the same...and so good luck to everyone and thank you Doc

[logansmomma]

Thank you for your advise Dr. HHH.  I have since seen my OB again and she assured me all was well when she did my pap and subsequent biopsy/culturing the last time I saw her.  I do feel alot better now and things are shaping up between my husband and I.

Sadly though she find the source of the horendous abdominal pain I was feeling last year around the same time and knowing me who thought it was PID, it was something much worse....It seems that after having a 9 pound kid, my uterus just seemed to give up and has now been slightly prolapsing over the last year or so.  My cervix finally prolapsed the rest of the way into my vagina and opening about 3 weeks ago and I thought I was going to die!!!!  I am scheduled for a hysterectomy in a couple of weeks and hopefully the pain and anxiety which I have been feeling the last year (which ultimately led to our marriage problems) will be quelled a little bit....although menopause at 32 may be a trip!!!


anyways, thank you for your advice, it is greatly appreciated.