Welcome to the STD forum. I'll try to help. The bottom line is that you have some misconceptions about HPV. Even infection with the high-risk (potentially cancer-causing) HPV types should be viewed as a normal and expected consequence of human sexuality. Most sexually active people are infected at one time or another. Therefore, little is to be gained by talking with partners about known or suspected past infections. Having such information does not help protect anyone's health; the main effect is usually just unnecessary anxiett.
To your specific questions (using your own slightly atypical numbering system!):
1) Time from HPV infection to dysplasia: You read wrong. That's the common belief, held by most experts until 10 years ago. However, it is now known that dysplasia can appear within a few weeks of acquring HPV. But your partner could have been infected many years before, or long after the single sexual encounter you had with her. The chance you either caught HPV or infected her during a single condom-protected exposure is very low.
2) There is almost never a valid reason to tell a sex partner about a previous partner's HPV infection. It's not even always necessary when someone has had HPV himself or herself, e.g. if the known infection was more than a year previously. It was a mistake for you to tell the one partner and I suggest you not compound the error by discussing it with the others.
4) Paps don't prevent anything from happening. However, regular pap smears are highly effective in detecting pre-cancerous dysplasia long before it is likely to progress to cancer. All women should have annual pap smears.
5) The phone counselor was right, but maybe for the wrong reason. Whatever the mechanism, some research does indicate that condom use reduces the risk of dysplasia, separate from protecting against HPV infection itself. But whether that is related to reduced penile contact with the cervix isn't known.
6) Hand-genital transmission probably occurs, but relatively infrequently and inefficiently. But it's the likely explanation for most of the occasional abnormal pap smears found in virgin women.
6) This depends on the definition; there are mild, moderate and severe grades of dysplasia. Mild dysplastic changes occur with most HPV infections of the cervix.
All these issues have been discussed many times on the forum. Here are 4 threads that should answer any remaining questions about these issues. The main take-home message is that you need to stop worrying about HPV; the chance you'll ever have a serious health outcome from HPV is very low. And you can reduce that risk to still lower levels by getting immunized with Gardasil, the HPV vaccine that protects against some of the most important HPV types. Regulatory approval for vaccination of men is expected in the US this fall.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/HPV--Informing-past-partners/show/763292
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/Confused-about-hpv-interpretation/show/763984
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/HPV-Transmission/show/761416
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/concerned/show/980849
Regards-- HHH, MD