Aa
Is it legitimate to fear having sex? Especially in this case…
You need look no further than my history on medhelp.org to find out anything you’d want to know. But, the basics are this:
I had sex one time in my life – 3 years ago, at age 26. I got NGU from the experience. Anxiety and fear ruled my world for quite a long time. No sex before, none since. I was last tested in March, for 7 of the most common STDs, all negative.
Now, being so tired of my lack of a sex life, I have been searching for almost anything. Yet, it’s a major paradox because I doubt I can actually follow through.
A young lady from about an hour away responded to an ad I posted on Craigslist. I basically stated that I was sexually frustrated and looking for some sexual intimacy, in any way whatsoever, with a girl who could prove she is STD free. In the course of our emailing and IMing, I’ve noticed that she is absolutely stunning. And despite that, she seems willing to engage in intercourse with a pretty average guy like me. She says she’d been tested, about a month ago, and would show me the paperwork. She’s also said she’s been with 6 guys in her life, 3 within the last 6 moths and 1 (protected) since testing. She had asked if I would perform sex on her without a condom.
I came clean about my fear and experiences and she actually understood. She said she didn’t want me to do anything that would make me uncomfortable. I suggested that I think if I go slow, maybe we see each other on webcam, then meet in person, then meet another time for protected sex and finally meet another time for unprotected, maybe I could do it. She was fine with all of that. She even plans to go out and buy a webcam just for me. She also asked in a later email if I’d consider performing oral on her and I responded by saying I think it’s safer so I might consider it.
But the bottom line is, I’m still scared. Even if we go though all the steps, I’m not sure I could have sex. I just wonder if I can trust anyone sometimes. But she seems so rare, an attractive women willing to sleep with me, it’s almost unbelievable. And her being so understanding too, far from what I’d expect of society.
Do I have a legitimate reason to be concerned here? Am I out of touch with rational thinking? Am I making to big a deal out of this? Any info would help.
I had sex one time in my life – 3 years ago, at age 26. I got NGU from the experience. Anxiety and fear ruled my world for quite a long time. No sex before, none since. I was last tested in March, for 7 of the most common STDs, all negative.
Now, being so tired of my lack of a sex life, I have been searching for almost anything. Yet, it’s a major paradox because I doubt I can actually follow through.
A young lady from about an hour away responded to an ad I posted on Craigslist. I basically stated that I was sexually frustrated and looking for some sexual intimacy, in any way whatsoever, with a girl who could prove she is STD free. In the course of our emailing and IMing, I’ve noticed that she is absolutely stunning. And despite that, she seems willing to engage in intercourse with a pretty average guy like me. She says she’d been tested, about a month ago, and would show me the paperwork. She’s also said she’s been with 6 guys in her life, 3 within the last 6 moths and 1 (protected) since testing. She had asked if I would perform sex on her without a condom.
I came clean about my fear and experiences and she actually understood. She said she didn’t want me to do anything that would make me uncomfortable. I suggested that I think if I go slow, maybe we see each other on webcam, then meet in person, then meet another time for protected sex and finally meet another time for unprotected, maybe I could do it. She was fine with all of that. She even plans to go out and buy a webcam just for me. She also asked in a later email if I’d consider performing oral on her and I responded by saying I think it’s safer so I might consider it.
But the bottom line is, I’m still scared. Even if we go though all the steps, I’m not sure I could have sex. I just wonder if I can trust anyone sometimes. But she seems so rare, an attractive women willing to sleep with me, it’s almost unbelievable. And her being so understanding too, far from what I’d expect of society.
Do I have a legitimate reason to be concerned here? Am I out of touch with rational thinking? Am I making to big a deal out of this? Any info would help.
I have never dated anyone and I feel the fear of catching something holds me back at times its so depressing
I have never dated anyone and I feel the fear of catching something holds me back at times its so depressing
Thanks for listening and offering advice. I don't know that I agree with all of it but I apprecaite it nonetheless. Sometimes it's just nice to be anble to talk (or in this case type) thing out. Wish me luck. And hopefully, I won't feel the need to come back to this forum again, unless it is in an attept to help others.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't think 2terrified has herpes. I think her situation was a hypothetical one. Not to freak you out all the more, but 1 in 4 people have genital herpes type 2, and 90% of those don't know they have it. They either have very mild symptoms, or none at all. (We used to think that people with herpes got big, bad blisters and pain all the time - now we know that about 10-20% of people with genital herpes get that.)
Herpes testing isn't generally included in std testing. You have to ask for it (don't get me started on that - it makes little sense.) It is perfectly feasible and quite common that someone could get herpes from someone who wasn't aware that they had it, even if they had gone to their doctor and asked to be tested for "everything."
In any case, your low self-esteem and depression are at the root of this. I'm sorry you had it beaten out of you, but choose to give those people no more power over your life. They were wrong, abusive, and insecure themselves. It's not easy - I've been there - but you can move beyond it.
Having sex isn't going to solve your problems. It won't make you feel better, except physically, and that's for a short time. Until you work through all this, all that will happen after is that you will go into a tailspin with anxiety about an std, and what that means for and about you. I'd encourage you to wait.
We've offered you our advice. The rest is up to you. I wish you the best.
Aj
Herpes testing isn't generally included in std testing. You have to ask for it (don't get me started on that - it makes little sense.) It is perfectly feasible and quite common that someone could get herpes from someone who wasn't aware that they had it, even if they had gone to their doctor and asked to be tested for "everything."
In any case, your low self-esteem and depression are at the root of this. I'm sorry you had it beaten out of you, but choose to give those people no more power over your life. They were wrong, abusive, and insecure themselves. It's not easy - I've been there - but you can move beyond it.
Having sex isn't going to solve your problems. It won't make you feel better, except physically, and that's for a short time. Until you work through all this, all that will happen after is that you will go into a tailspin with anxiety about an std, and what that means for and about you. I'd encourage you to wait.
We've offered you our advice. The rest is up to you. I wish you the best.
Aj
Well, I’ve always had a problem with finding a relationship, far before my fear of sex. As for self-esteem, well, it’s hard to have it when it’s been beaten out of you your whole life. For example, my high school years where a living hell.
I don’t really understand how I’m being hypocritical. Saving sex until marriage would be ideal but not realistic. If anyone does that, it’s a very, very low percentage. How would that not be taking sex seriously?
I like to believe the best in people. But it’s so hard the way the world is these days.
As for your example of the “perfect girl,” well, I’d sort of say she didn’t take it seriously, especially since she obviously didn’t mind if her prior boyfriend got tested or not. I’d be hard pressed to believe she’s be “the one”. But if she was, yes, I’d probably screw up and miss out on it.
Yes, it’s responsible to use condoms all the time. I know having had a disease doesn’t make you loose or a bad person. It could mean a variety of things – you where naïve or too trusting, you where abused or molested, you simply had bad luck, or you didn’t take things seriously at the time and made a mistake.
As for your situation – how in the world did you not know he had herpes?
I see what you’re saying about my therapist – who by the way has not gotten back to me since the last message I left her on Tuesday. So right now, I’ve begun seeking a woman in the same boat. There are a few promising possibilities. But, as you say, I’ll need luck on my side.
I don’t really understand how I’m being hypocritical. Saving sex until marriage would be ideal but not realistic. If anyone does that, it’s a very, very low percentage. How would that not be taking sex seriously?
I like to believe the best in people. But it’s so hard the way the world is these days.
As for your example of the “perfect girl,” well, I’d sort of say she didn’t take it seriously, especially since she obviously didn’t mind if her prior boyfriend got tested or not. I’d be hard pressed to believe she’s be “the one”. But if she was, yes, I’d probably screw up and miss out on it.
Yes, it’s responsible to use condoms all the time. I know having had a disease doesn’t make you loose or a bad person. It could mean a variety of things – you where naïve or too trusting, you where abused or molested, you simply had bad luck, or you didn’t take things seriously at the time and made a mistake.
As for your situation – how in the world did you not know he had herpes?
I see what you’re saying about my therapist – who by the way has not gotten back to me since the last message I left her on Tuesday. So right now, I’ve begun seeking a woman in the same boat. There are a few promising possibilities. But, as you say, I’ll need luck on my side.
You have to learn to open your mind. Life isn't straight forward. Honestly, it is because of your lack of esteem and ASSUMING people do not take sex seriously...this is the reason why you cannot get in a relationship. People can sense insecurities. They run from them.
You are actually being hypocritical. Because if you mean that in the sense I think you mean it to, you would not be having sex at all until marriage. And even then only with a virgin. So, in a way, you are not taking sex seriously as well.
The world is huge. No one is perfect. No one asks to get diseases. Even people who are extremely careful end up trusting the wrong people. There are people out there who are good at deceiving others. But there are even more who are trustworthy. They are probably too trusting of others.
What about a woman who gets to know her partner very well for more than 6 months before having sex with him....continues to be in a relationship with him for another 6 months? What if then, she finds out she got HSV from him. They break up. Then she meets you. Tells you of her situation after you both get to know each other and you think she is the perfect girl. Before you have sex with her. Would you say she doesn't take sex seriously? Would you pass up a woman who could possible be the one?
Isn't it responsible to use condoms every time you have sex if you know there are std's out there? Just because you use condoms doesn't mean you are loose. Just because you have had a disease before does not mean you are loose. I got herpes from a guy I dated for over a year. I was exclusive with him and him only. Does that mean i didn't take sex seriously?
I think your therapist is trying to get you to see that you have closed yourself off from the world by thinking the way you do. You will never settle with anyone if you remain in this frame of mind. Unless you find a woman who feels the same as you. But Good luck with that.
You are actually being hypocritical. Because if you mean that in the sense I think you mean it to, you would not be having sex at all until marriage. And even then only with a virgin. So, in a way, you are not taking sex seriously as well.
The world is huge. No one is perfect. No one asks to get diseases. Even people who are extremely careful end up trusting the wrong people. There are people out there who are good at deceiving others. But there are even more who are trustworthy. They are probably too trusting of others.
What about a woman who gets to know her partner very well for more than 6 months before having sex with him....continues to be in a relationship with him for another 6 months? What if then, she finds out she got HSV from him. They break up. Then she meets you. Tells you of her situation after you both get to know each other and you think she is the perfect girl. Before you have sex with her. Would you say she doesn't take sex seriously? Would you pass up a woman who could possible be the one?
Isn't it responsible to use condoms every time you have sex if you know there are std's out there? Just because you use condoms doesn't mean you are loose. Just because you have had a disease before does not mean you are loose. I got herpes from a guy I dated for over a year. I was exclusive with him and him only. Does that mean i didn't take sex seriously?
I think your therapist is trying to get you to see that you have closed yourself off from the world by thinking the way you do. You will never settle with anyone if you remain in this frame of mind. Unless you find a woman who feels the same as you. But Good luck with that.
I'm sorry for being such a pain.
My depression and self-esteem issues seem to stem from the fact that I can't get into a relationship or find a legitimate sex partner.
Maybe my definition of taking sex seriously is just different than other peoples. I figure, if you're a teen having sex, you're not taking it seriously. If you have had sex with everyone you've dated for more than a month, you're not taking it seriously. If you've ever had a one night stand, you're not taking it seriously. I'd say if you've had 10 or more partners before settling down, you're not taking it seriously. Just the way I feel.
My depression and self-esteem issues seem to stem from the fact that I can't get into a relationship or find a legitimate sex partner.
Maybe my definition of taking sex seriously is just different than other peoples. I figure, if you're a teen having sex, you're not taking it seriously. If you have had sex with everyone you've dated for more than a month, you're not taking it seriously. If you've ever had a one night stand, you're not taking it seriously. I'd say if you've had 10 or more partners before settling down, you're not taking it seriously. Just the way I feel.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I take sex seriously. I take safe sex very seriously.
Your therapist is focused more on depression and self-esteem issues because that is why you are in this situation. If you didn't have those, you wouldn't be on Craigslist considering having unprotected sex with some strange woman who might or might not be lying to you.
My concern is that this woman is a professional, and will end up trying to get money from you. When you realize that (if that's the case), then you will end up in yet another tailspin thinking you had unprotected sex with a sex worker. (And no, I don't think that only a pro would have sex with you, and that you need to pay a stunning woman to have sex with you. I just know Craigslist is full of them.)
I ask all my partners to test, and then still use condoms until I know them enough to know they won't hurt me. It's still a leap of faith, but life is full of those.
Yes, HPV does leave the body, and our experts here do not say it's for a lifetime.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/hsv2-and-hpv/show/937252
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/HPV-and-Condoms/show/931132
I know you are sexually frustrated, but having sex isn't going to solve your problems. If you decide to have sex with this woman, use a condom.
Aj
Your therapist is focused more on depression and self-esteem issues because that is why you are in this situation. If you didn't have those, you wouldn't be on Craigslist considering having unprotected sex with some strange woman who might or might not be lying to you.
My concern is that this woman is a professional, and will end up trying to get money from you. When you realize that (if that's the case), then you will end up in yet another tailspin thinking you had unprotected sex with a sex worker. (And no, I don't think that only a pro would have sex with you, and that you need to pay a stunning woman to have sex with you. I just know Craigslist is full of them.)
I ask all my partners to test, and then still use condoms until I know them enough to know they won't hurt me. It's still a leap of faith, but life is full of those.
Yes, HPV does leave the body, and our experts here do not say it's for a lifetime.
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/hsv2-and-hpv/show/937252
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/HPV-and-Condoms/show/931132
I know you are sexually frustrated, but having sex isn't going to solve your problems. If you decide to have sex with this woman, use a condom.
Aj
Where do you get that impression from? I take sex very seriously when it comes to being safe. That is why I am here trying to help people. Giving them answers and the truth.
I think you are letting your mind get the better of you right now. Most people don't have casual sex with different people left and right. Some do but most don't. I did when I was in college but after college I grew up and knew that to have anything good it's more then you need a lot more then just sex.
I think you are letting your mind get the better of you right now. Most people don't have casual sex with different people left and right. Some do but most don't. I did when I was in college but after college I grew up and knew that to have anything good it's more then you need a lot more then just sex.
Damn I wish I could just get over this. I feel like the only one who even takes sex seriously anymore. And I hate feeling like this. I wish I could just be like evryone else, content to hop into bed with little reservation.
You can die walking across the street but you still walk across the street. But if you take precautions by looking both ways you will not be hit by a car...just like sex take precautions.
Yes those things are dangrous but the FDA does not have a say to allow them on the market, but with condoms they do. Today the FDA could but a ban on condoms with they wanted to. It would take an act of Congress and the President to ban beer and cigs.
Yes HPV leaves the body. "In most women the infection will go away by itself without consequence." Quote from Dr Hook in the STD experts forum, "HPV usually goes away without treatment, at least to the point it cannot be transmitted.". Quote from Dr.HHH in the experts forum.
Yes those things are dangrous but the FDA does not have a say to allow them on the market, but with condoms they do. Today the FDA could but a ban on condoms with they wanted to. It would take an act of Congress and the President to ban beer and cigs.
Yes HPV leaves the body. "In most women the infection will go away by itself without consequence." Quote from Dr Hook in the STD experts forum, "HPV usually goes away without treatment, at least to the point it cannot be transmitted.". Quote from Dr.HHH in the experts forum.
Vance, I want sex badly. It’s just to terrifying. Thanks for the info on the condom statistics. I thought the rate was a little more than that but thanks. I’m not so sure about whether or not that would change the way people look at sex tough. People still smoke, drink, and go tanning even though they know it’s dangerous.
HPV leaves the body? Every resource I’ve ever heard of, even the experts forum here, says it’s permanent.
I know Teak well. But it’s not as if he hasn’t had major problems due to his HIV. And like everyone who gets it, it will eventually kill him.
As for relationships with HIV, I just can’t imagine that. I’ve never met a person who (asking all my friends, people online, anyone I’ve ever talked about it to) that would agree to being with an HIV positive person. And, if I where, I couldn’t live with myself if I passed it on. It’s just mind boggling.
HPV leaves the body? Every resource I’ve ever heard of, even the experts forum here, says it’s permanent.
I know Teak well. But it’s not as if he hasn’t had major problems due to his HIV. And like everyone who gets it, it will eventually kill him.
As for relationships with HIV, I just can’t imagine that. I’ve never met a person who (asking all my friends, people online, anyone I’ve ever talked about it to) that would agree to being with an HIV positive person. And, if I where, I couldn’t live with myself if I passed it on. It’s just mind boggling.
Well you have done a great job of convincing yourself never to have sex again.
Condoms do work when used correctly...that is fact. Do you know why you hear stats saying condoms work 98% of the time or something like that? It's because of people who don't know how to use them and break them. Not because they have holes in them or anything like that. If condoms used correctly let you get STD's, do you really think they would be approved by the FDA? No they would not be. And you would be hearing from a lot of people saying that people should nevr have sex until married...more then you do now.
You are very wrong about somethings. To start HPV leaves the body in 6 months to 2 years...fact. You can live very long with HIV...Teak over in the HIV community has had HIV for 25 years and he is still living and doing a great job helping people. And you should see how many people in the HIV community post that there boyfriend or girlfriend is HIV positive but they are negative and what they can do to stay negative.
Visit the anxiety community.
Condoms do work when used correctly...that is fact. Do you know why you hear stats saying condoms work 98% of the time or something like that? It's because of people who don't know how to use them and break them. Not because they have holes in them or anything like that. If condoms used correctly let you get STD's, do you really think they would be approved by the FDA? No they would not be. And you would be hearing from a lot of people saying that people should nevr have sex until married...more then you do now.
You are very wrong about somethings. To start HPV leaves the body in 6 months to 2 years...fact. You can live very long with HIV...Teak over in the HIV community has had HIV for 25 years and he is still living and doing a great job helping people. And you should see how many people in the HIV community post that there boyfriend or girlfriend is HIV positive but they are negative and what they can do to stay negative.
Visit the anxiety community.
Well, if she is actually a he, that’s pretty cruel but it won’t really be an issue since we had agreed to meet via webcam and in person first, he wouldn’t be able to fake that. It’s hard not to let fear control me here.
And I wonder why it seems like everyone believes condoms are full-proof. Every answer has the same theme – wear a condom and you’ll be fine. If only that where true.
As for the committed relationship thing, with all the people who cheat, even knowing that you’re in one of those is difficult to tell.
If her motivation was to get pregnant, I’d be far more OK with that than getting an STD. I’d be a man and own up to my responsibilities as such.
As for the fear itself, I’ve always been germaphobic, far before fearing sex. I think it’s part of my diagnosed ODC. I’m a chronic had washer, check my utensils at restaurants for food that might not have been washed off and other things like that.
And I wonder why it seems like everyone believes condoms are full-proof. Every answer has the same theme – wear a condom and you’ll be fine. If only that where true.
As for the committed relationship thing, with all the people who cheat, even knowing that you’re in one of those is difficult to tell.
If her motivation was to get pregnant, I’d be far more OK with that than getting an STD. I’d be a man and own up to my responsibilities as such.
As for the fear itself, I’ve always been germaphobic, far before fearing sex. I think it’s part of my diagnosed ODC. I’m a chronic had washer, check my utensils at restaurants for food that might not have been washed off and other things like that.
I've actually been doing some therapy for about the last 3 months. Sometimes it seems we're making progress but other times it seems like the therapist is more interested in my depression and self-esteem issues than my sexual frustrations.
I totally understand the "believe no one approach. But then I wonder how I will ever be able to believe them?
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I totally understand the "believe no one approach. But then I wonder how I will ever be able to believe them?
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What about HPV? That's incurable as well. And it's not just the stigma from STDs I'm worried about. Yes, that's part of it. Especially since it would be significantly harder for me to find a girlfriend (which I can’t even do now) if I had one. And if I had HIV, I could forget about anything EVER. I just know that they can lead to other, more serious health problems (like cancer and dementia) and its statistical fact that they can (and will in the case of HIV) limit your life span.
I don't know how people can take things so lightly.
I don't know how people can take things so lightly.
My personal belief is that this girl is probably not a girl, it's a man joking around but that is just me.
Don't let the fear of STD's control your life, but always use protection until you are in a committed relationship with someone. No matter what they say or can prove to you. How do you know that a random girl is not sleeping with 50 other guys at the same time as you and all unprotected? How do you know a girl doesn't want to use a condom because she wants to get pregnant?
Now those statements above might sound a little scary and it was meant to just get you to think about actions before you do them. Using a condom correctly everytime will prevent you from getting a STD. Use a condom when getting oral sex, use a dental damp when giving oral sex to help your fears.
But the most important thing is to see a therapist because you don't want this fear to control you. Stop it before it gets very bad and turns not only into a fear of STD's but of common germs. It can happen even though you might be saying..."oh that will never happen to me". Things start small but quickly snowball.
Don't let the fear of STD's control your life, but always use protection until you are in a committed relationship with someone. No matter what they say or can prove to you. How do you know that a random girl is not sleeping with 50 other guys at the same time as you and all unprotected? How do you know a girl doesn't want to use a condom because she wants to get pregnant?
Now those statements above might sound a little scary and it was meant to just get you to think about actions before you do them. Using a condom correctly everytime will prevent you from getting a STD. Use a condom when getting oral sex, use a dental damp when giving oral sex to help your fears.
But the most important thing is to see a therapist because you don't want this fear to control you. Stop it before it gets very bad and turns not only into a fear of STD's but of common germs. It can happen even though you might be saying..."oh that will never happen to me". Things start small but quickly snowball.
Instead of having sex with the first girl willing, why not seek out some professional therapy to work on the issues that have led you to fear having sex?
Believe no one dear. if a stranger from craig's list wants to have sex with you, still use complete protection until you've built up a relationship with them and know that she really is who she is and you've seen test results and know that you can trust her.
grace
Believe no one dear. if a stranger from craig's list wants to have sex with you, still use complete protection until you've built up a relationship with them and know that she really is who she is and you've seen test results and know that you can trust her.
grace
You have taken the first step in at least considering the steps you two have agreed to. Why are you letting the stigma of std's control your life? The only ones that cannot be cured are HSV and HIV. Both can be treated and controlled. But if you use protection, then there is nothing to worry about with HIV or any others. HSV poses very little risk with condom use.
You go NGU you know what? It is no different from getting the flu, or strep throat, bronchitis. Annoying and sometimes painful, yes. But treatable and curable. You are more at risk for the flu and other common infections than std's with condom use.
Let go of your insecurities and give it a chance. You never know if you don't try.
You go NGU you know what? It is no different from getting the flu, or strep throat, bronchitis. Annoying and sometimes painful, yes. But treatable and curable. You are more at risk for the flu and other common infections than std's with condom use.
Let go of your insecurities and give it a chance. You never know if you don't try.
I just don't know if I should avoid this like the plague at the risk of missing out on probably the most amazing expereince of my life.
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Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
