Not telling partners abt herpes

[ataglance]

One of myf friends has genital herpes but she doesn't (or won't) tell her partners that she has herpes.  She feels that if they don't ask, she's not going to tell because she doesn't have many outbreaks anyway.  Plus, she says that she doesn't have an outbreak so it can't be passed along.  This has caused a big problem with our relationship b/c I think she is being irresponsible.  Is it true that as long as there is no visable outbreaks, she doesn't have to tell people?  

[stillHurting]

Well, in terms of if she should tell people, that's a moral decision.  But I think the answer is clear if she put herself into their shoes.  Would she like it if they infected her with something?  I'm sure she would not.

About not being able to transmit the virus without outbreaks, that is patently wrong.  It's true that avoiding outbreaks helps, but asymptomatic shedding is very common, and she is putting anyone she is with at risk.

[HelpMomof2]

It is absolutely not true that if she is not having an outbreak she will not pass the virus along.  She is being extremely irresponsible and potentially passing this along to her partners.  Asymptomatic shedding occurs when you do not have an outbreak but the virus is still active.  Most cases of HSV are contracted during these periods.  This means even if she is not have an OB she can still pass the virus to her partners.

[gracefromHHP]

Does she have hsv1 genitally or hsv2?  If she isn't sure - she needs to be pursuing a further work up to find out. It's not always hsv2 just because it's below the belt. Send her the link to the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com so she can further educate herself about her herpes.  If she has hsv1 genitally then it's important for her to know her partner's hsv2 status especially because she can still contract hsv2 which would most likely result in more frequent recurrences.  

If she has hsv2 - studies have found that you are shedding the same amount of virus whether you have 0 ob's a year or 10 ob's a year. A lack of obvious ob's doesn't mean that she is "safer" than the next gal who has herpes.  She's just as contagious as I am and I have frequent ob's if I"m not on suppressive therapy.  If she has hsv1 genitally then she's not shedding as often but it's still a risk especially since she might have hsv1 orally too to think about too.  She should be talking to her partner about that too.  

So yes it's totally her choice whether she informs partners about her herpes or not prior to being intimate. I'm guessing that she's not asking them about their std status and asking them to get tested either. does she know her risk of contracting hiv is 3-4x/higher since she has genital herpes?  It's just as much about her safety as her partner's safety!!  Also there's the whole trust issue - don't tell from the gitgo then you end up potentially having to talk about it further into the relationship and then usually the partner feels betrayed. It doesn't get any easier to talk about it the longer you put it off.  One worst case  scenerio - she's pregnant and in labor and brings it up ( or her doc mentions it in front of her husband ) and there is she needing her partner by her side and he's off pissed all to helll that he's just now finding out she has genital herpes.  

I've tried it both ways and even though it's hard to talk about it before I"m intimate with someone - it's far, far, FAR easier than having to either lie out your *** that you didn't know you had it after you've transmitted it to a partner or have to look them in the eye and tell them yes you knew you had it but didn't tell them about it.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life!!!  It's a lesson I"ve never repeated.  And yes sometimes you will get turned down after talking about it with a potential partner. Just went thru that myself this month for the 2nd time in 21 years but that's the way things go.  It's still easier than trying to deal with it all afterwards with a partner.

grace

[ataglance]

She got herpes from some guy she slept with in college - 30 yrs ago.  He was the 2nd guy she ever slept with.  He knew he had herpes but didn't tell her.  She told me that if she had told the guys she is sleeping with now, she knew they wouldn't have sex with her.  Still, I think she could have made them wear a condom but she didn't.

I thought she was more responsible than this and this is has really changed the way I see her now.  I don't want to spoil a friendship over this if what she is saying is true abt not being able to transmit it if there's no outbreak.

The sad thing is that at least 2 of the guys she's slept with recently were players - they sleep around a lot.  

[ataglance]

Thanks for the great information.  I will certainly have a talk with her now based on this information. At least I feel like I've been educated and can tell her abt that website. I don't know what type she has - 1 or 2.  She says never gets cold sores on her mouth but I guess that doesn't mean that she doesn't have HSV1 genitally.  

I think it's really hard for her b/c she's getting a little desperate for companionship.  She is attractive so gets a lot of attention from guys - even much younger men.

Thanks for this great information.

And for Grace, for whatever it's worth, if a guy doesn't want to pursue a relationship b/c of herpes, he's not worth it anyway. It's such a small thing in the big scheme of a relationship.   At least you were honest abt it.  If he meets my friend, she wouldn't be so honest abt it and he would never even know it.  You should feel good abt yourself for being truthful.  

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

1) Moral issue!  I would make this a legal issue.... if at all possible!

2) for this particular woman, if she got it 30 yrs ago while in college....  that places her at about 50 yrs old right now....   and she is still bedding bucks?!   Sorry but that just churns my stomach.  "I think I just swollowed vommit"

[ataglance]

She is 49.  She is bedding young guys  in their 30's or early 40's because she attracts them.  She is very pretty and has a really cute "fun" personality.  I even like her because she is fun to be around. She is very tiny with a cute figure.  One guy was 30 yrs old and said he liked "older women" because "younger ones played head games".   If he only knew that this older one was doing the same only in a different way.  She doesn't have a problem attracting men and it seems to me that these guys are pretty slutty themselves.  She had sex with them pretty quickly, within a few weeks of meeting them.  She met them on internet dating sites.  She is not setting out to just sleep with them, I think she would like a relationship and even marriage (never married).  But like Grace said, if she did start having a relationship with these guys, she would have to tell them "after the fact that they have been intimate" and how would they feel then?  Betrayed I'm sure.  The thing is that these relationships don't last that long - 1 or 2 months at the most.  I am having trouble staying friends with her knowing that she is doing this.  I thought she was more responsible than this.  If she is lying to them abt this, what is she lying to me about?  

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

There are Herpe Hook Up web sites, she could troll those rather that Web Slut sites. All folks on the Herpes Site are looking for herpe love, and if she contained her behavior with them & not spread her disease around.

This could avoid potential law suits, and a traumatic brain injury.

My opinion of your friend is very very very low

[gracefromHHP]

Oh get over yourself!! Yes us older folks still have sex -  TONS OF IT.   You don't stop being a sexual being just because you turn 30 or something! Geez louise!!!  The thought of having sex with an older woman might turn your stomach but really do you need to put it out there the way you did?

grace

[gracefromHHP]

Thank you for your kind words :)  Yes I know it's all about his rejecting the thought of possibly contracting herpes at some point and not a darn thing about me!  I really can't complain - only rejected twice in 21 years. Usually they find reasons to run the other way long before I get around to talking about my herpes....he he he  ;)

Talk to your friend about how she's not respecting herself with her behavior. It's not that she's out there spreading hsv2 to every man she's sleeping with - it's just that she's really selling herself short by thinking that if she's honest with them that they'd never sleep with her. They really will.  She is so much more than just sex - she's also a wonderful person who someone will want to be with because of who she is - not run the other way just because of a pesky and very common virus that she has. It's really not the deal breaker she thinks it is.  It doesn't even have to change her basic behavior - if she's more satisfied with short term sexual relationships that's fine but she needs to be thinking about her own protection as well as her partners. There are far, far worse things out there than herpes to contend with.  You really can respect yourself and get laid on a regular basis - honest :)

grace

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

Age alone would make me run, then to top it off with an incurable diseas transmitable disease that folks seem to like trivalize is something to make me run in Turbo mode. NOT too mention, having herpers also makes you more suceptable to HIV....

So yea... my opinion of this h0rny grandmother is very low.

Get over myself...  no, act my age is more like it. Accept the things I can not change and be willing to change the things that I can. If I had herpes I would not spread it, I would contain my issues with a partner that already had it. I would not intentionally ask another to have to DEAL with my issues. But I guess that is just my personality.

[gracefromHHP]

grandmother at 49?  Geez louise.

Ok I have to ask - how old are you?

grace

[ataglance]

The thing that bothers me abt her doing this, is that she is taking away the other person's choice of 1) whether they want to expose themselves to herpes and 2) the option to wear a condom which would prevent any transmission if there was shedding or an unseen outbreak.  I realize that her choice was taken from her when the original guy gave her herpes and I wonder if maybe she is trying to "even out the score" a bit.  I can see now why it's such an epidemic.  The strange thing is that none of her guys ever mentioned wearing a condom (very, very stupid on their part) and they never asked her abt STD's and in particular herpes.  I would say this probably happens in abt 90% of sexual events - nobody wears a condom and nobody asks questions.  

She also likes to brag abt her conquests, showing me the profiles of "guys" who are often really attractive, hot hunks!!!  These guys sleep around and could essentially be passing herpes along unknowingly to other women who then in turn pass it along, etc. etc.

When she first told me abt how she got herpes, she said she always told her partners.  Now, I see that she is lying abt that.  It's really not herpes that's the issue (let's face it, it's very common and really more of a nusance than a health issue) but it's the lying and covering up that is bothering me.  As I said earlier, if she is lying abt this, what else is she lying abt?  

I almost feel like I have an obligation now to the guys she going to date to tell them for her but I won't because I don't want to get in the middle of anything.   I will start by talking to her abt this and hopefully at least get her to make the guys use condoms.  It's abt all I can do in this situation.  This has changed my friendship with her b/c I can't trust her anymore.   Character counts for something in this world.

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

What is 49...?  First, I don't beleive she is 49, she sounds like the type that refuses to admitt to anything. 49 is just a convienient number, and beside's round up, she is for sure 50.

Regarding my age, 35 & when I hit 50 or more...  I hope I have the will power to accept that and act accordingly, rather than disgraceing myself.  I don't mean that over 50 people need to hang up on life, but there are certain activities that are "age appropriate."  For example, if I was to play with a set of Ninja Turtles, or play with some Legos, one would think I am not acting/behaving appropriatley for my age. Or trolling high school foot ball games for an easy lay, would also be an unapropriate activity.

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

She already in menapause, she doesn't need a condom.... I mean logically?

[ataglance]

A latex condom will help prevent all STD's, it's not just for preventing pregnancy.  The largest growing number of STD's are in people over 50.   These are people who are out of long marriages and just want to have fun.  People think that just because someone isn't having a period anymore, they don't need to use condoms but that's very stupid on their part.  

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

And I AGREE all the way with you.....   I just don't think this person functions on the train of logic that you & I are on.

[gracefromHHP]

You are so right - everyone just thinks that they aren't dating anyone who could possibly have a std. I've never had anyone EVER ask me if I know if I have something or even ask me to go get tested for std's prior to sex. If I didn't bring it up I truly don't think they would. Scares me quite a bit especially since most of my single friends think I"m just so silly with all this std talk!!  Of course who's the first one they run to with questions - me.

anyways - it's a tough situation you are in - you love the person but you don't love her actions.  That can be hard no matter what the situation is about.  I don't think that it means she's lying to you about anything - it just means that she's taking a different approach than most of us like to hear about when it comes to her bedroom activities.  It's her choice and obviously she is the one who has to live with the consequences of not telling and not asking.  I also know it's incredibly hard as a friend to stand back and watch her do this. It is some destructive behavior from the sounds of it.    I'm glad though that you are educating yourself on herpes and std's instead of just critizing her and walking away!!  I know if you were my friend - that would mean a whole heck of a lot to me :)  

grace