Partner with Herpes

[WantstoKnow5]

I met a great guy a few weeks ago, that told me on our second date that he has genital HSV-2.  He has had it for about 10 years now and has outbreaks a couple of times a year.  I was recently tested, before I met him, and the blood test came up negative for HSV.  Have spent the last few weeks researching and have a few questions.

1.  He says that he does not have oral herpes, but has had cold sores before.  I have not had a cold sore.  If he performs unprotected oral sex on me, what is the likelihood that I will catch his HSV-2?  Can I safely perform oral sex on him without a condom?  

2.  I understand that there is no such thing as 100% safe sex, but what are the odds of me getting herpes if we use condoms every time we have intercourse?  He is not on suppressive therapy of any kind.  I am trying to learn just some of the basic stats.

3.  If I understand correctly, if he touches his genitals and then touches mine, I can become exposed, is that right?  Is that likely?

4.  Can I become exposed from sharing soap in the shower, towels, showering together, etc?  What about sleeping next to each other without clothing?

Any information you can provide would be wonderful!  I do not want this to stop me from dating a wonderful man, but I have to admit that I am nervous.  I keep reading that I am less likely to get HSV from a partner who has herpes and is honest/careful, then from a person who just doesn't know if they do or do not, is that right?

[auntiejessi]

Hi there -

Good for you for learning all you can first before making a decision.

1 - If he has cold sores, he has hsv1.  Its possible that you could get that from him, either orally or genitally.  Unfortunately, we have no transmission stats for that, so I can't say how likely it is.

Oral hsv2 is rare, and performing oral sex on him should be fine.  I would suggest not having any sexual contact if he has symptoms, either orally or genitally, but of the millions and millions of people with oral herpes, oral hsv2 only accounts for 3% of them.

2 - If all you did was avoid sex during an outbreak, you'd have an 8-10% chance of getting hsv2 from him per year.  If he takes suppressive medication OR you use condoms every time, that would go down to 4-5% a year.  If you used both meds and condoms, it would be about a 2-3% chance.  So if you flip that around, just by avoiding sex during symptoms, you have a 90% chance per year of NOT getting it.  

Some people chose to not use condoms, as long as you both are negative for other stds, and just use the meds, but that is a decision you all can make together.  

3 - Unless he has an outbreak, touching himself and then touching you wouldn't result in transmission, and even then, its doubtful.

4 - None of those things would result in transmission.  There has never been a documented case of transmission from an inanimate object, though using your own towels is a good idea, just for hygeine purposes.  It is possible that MAYBE sharing the same glass, etc., when he has a cold sore might result in hsv1 transmission, but that hasn't been studied too much, and we don't have reliable info.

You are right that you are less likely to get it from someone who knows they have herpes, and knows when to avoid sex, then someone who doesn't know they have it.  1 in 4 have ghsv2, so its much easier to find herpes than it is to find a good man.  ;)

You should also read the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com for some great info, and check out the herpes home page, too.  

AJ

[WantstoKnow5]

Thank you so much!  I am trying so hard to learn as much as I can, I care so much about this man already and am not willing to give him up without a fight.  :)

[auntiejessi]

Good for you!!!

I'm over at the herpes homepage, so I hope to see you there.  :)