Aa
Time for more jokes
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Tony.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!' and
the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call
her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits. After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an as..h..le!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'as..h..le'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an as..h..le!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'as..h..le' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone
company..
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an as..h..le!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first as..h..le
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW as..h..le, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house and the cars parked right
out front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an as..h..le!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two as..h..les to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called as..h..le #1. He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an as..h..le!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in
front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, as..h..le,'
And hung up.
Then I called ******* #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, as..h..le,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a..s,'
I answered, 'Well, as..h..le, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd
in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two as..h..les beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
And you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Tony.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!' and
the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call
her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits. After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an as..h..le!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'as..h..le'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an as..h..le!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic
'as..h..le' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone
company..
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an as..h..le!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first as..h..le
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW as..h..le, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house and the cars parked right
out front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an as..h..le!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two as..h..les to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called as..h..le #1. He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an as..h..le!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, '*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in
front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, as..h..le,'
And hung up.
Then I called ******* #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, as..h..le,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a..s,'
I answered, 'Well, as..h..le, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd
in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two as..h..les beating the crap out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
thank you SO much for the hearty giggle!!! I wish Ihad something to contribute but am terrible at telling or remembering jokes.
Keep em coming!
Keep em coming!
my mommy sent this to me and it made me giggle:
An Irish Ghost Story
It is said that this story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true...
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had..
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that fookin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it." !!!!
An Irish Ghost Story
It is said that this story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true...
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had..
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that fookin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it." !!!!
Big giggles from Massachusetts...These jokes are cute and keep me going during the day ;o)
Charley your killing me..:o)
JibJen
Charley your killing me..:o)
JibJen
FUNERAL WITH BAGPIPES
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
cute one Mike
Jib
Jib
elderly woman to senior drugist - " you got that Viagra here?
senior drugist- "yup."
lady- "can you get it over the counter?"
drugist - "maybe if I take two..."
senior drugist- "yup."
lady- "can you get it over the counter?"
drugist - "maybe if I take two..."
Husband : Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife : Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
Wife : Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
Thanks for the giggles :))
The Magical Light
(not as funny as above ones but here we go)
An 89-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally ? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He's taking care of me. He knows I
have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the
night to go to the bathroom, POOF.... the light goes on. When I'm done,
POOF... the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife, Ethel.
"Hello Ethel," the doctor begins. "George is doing fine. But I had to
call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF.... the light goes on in the bathroom,
and when he's done, POOF..... the light goes off ?"
"Oh Dear God !!" 'Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again !"
(not as funny as above ones but here we go)
An 89-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally ? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He's taking care of me. He knows I
have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the
night to go to the bathroom, POOF.... the light goes on. When I'm done,
POOF... the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife, Ethel.
"Hello Ethel," the doctor begins. "George is doing fine. But I had to
call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF.... the light goes on in the bathroom,
and when he's done, POOF..... the light goes off ?"
"Oh Dear God !!" 'Ethel exclaims. "He's pissing in the fridge again !"
Love them..
Maria I heard that one B-4..always makes me laugh..Loved the neuro one too..
Jib
Maria I heard that one B-4..always makes me laugh..Loved the neuro one too..
Jib
LMFAO!!!!!
I dont think I know any jokes even remotely clean enough to post.....
Too funny!! I'll pass that one on.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fu**ed up your hair?"
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who fu**ed up your hair?"
YA DUNNIT AGIN!!
Had me laughing out loud....that's a cracker.!!
Had me laughing out loud....that's a cracker.!!
Ok, here's another joke. I have a huge amount of stress in my life right now. My husband's been out of work for several months and I can't work so you can guess where that us. My sister thinks she might have cancer etc. etc. One way of coping is to find a lot of jokes that make me laugh. This one did.
Two neurologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
hee hee, Charley
Two neurologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
hee hee, Charley
LMFAO!!!!!
ME TOO!
I freak'n loved it...I so wish i could set something like that up...
I read this at work today but could not respond to it...was laughing my butt off...(people were staring)
JibJen
I freak'n loved it...I so wish i could set something like that up...
I read this at work today but could not respond to it...was laughing my butt off...(people were staring)
JibJen
Brilliant.I actually laughed out loud!
This is such an achievement...really. (But what it says about me is quite a different matter! ;-O )
This is such an achievement...really. (But what it says about me is quite a different matter! ;-O )
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A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
